Memo to the bank
Today was a very important day for Dreamy Sparks and her stallion Air Flare. The unicorn and pegasus couple had just saved up enough money to move out of Flare's family's house, and they had long dreamed of saving up enough bits to move to the picturesque town of Rainbow Falls. After all, the town was gorgeous, the locals seemed friendly, and they were surprised to learn that the houses were cheaper than expected, especially closer to the market.
And so, the pair found themselves in the Rainbow Falls branch of the Crown Royal bank, discussing ownership of what seemed like the perfect house. Bottom Dollar sat across from them, looking over the paperwork with a slightly concerned face. "Are you certain about the location, you two? Properties closer to the Arca limit tend to have a bit more collateral-"
"Collateral?" Dreamy Sparks asked. "I thought Flare's parents agreed to be guarantors on the payments, do we really need collateral?"
Dollar sighed, adjusting his tie. "You two must be from out of town. I don't mean collateral as in something we take if you can't pay your debts, I mean…" he looked off out the floor-to-ceiling window and his eyes went wide. "Collateral damage. DUCK AND COVER, EVERYPONY!"
Dollar dove under his desk with a speed that his middle-aged body should not have been able to manage, and it was at that moment that Dreamy Sparks and Air Flare heard a commotion approaching. They looked up the street, and were met with the most terrifying thing they'd ever seen.
For starters, the first thing they saw was that a timberwolf was charging down the street, straight for the bank. That much alone would have been cause for alarm, but the timberwolf had a long chain attached to its neck. And that chain was pulling something.
Juniper was clinging to the outside front wall of Alchemiracles like her life depended on it. Mainly because her boss's pet houseplant was towing the entire front wall of the building behind it. She had been just about to walk in and start her shift when Mister Splinters had jumped through the window, his chain leash having snagged on Arca's cauldron, which had gotten wedged in the window. With Arca and Princess Luna stuck inside it, having had no time to dodge the sudden projectile pot. This of course tore the whole front of the building's first floor off, as Mister Splinters was rather strong.
"BOSS! DO SOMETHING!"
"I WILL AS SOON AS LUNA MOVES HER RUMP OUT OF MY FACE SO I CAN AIM!"
"ART THOU CALLING US FAT-FLANKED?!"
"SQUIRREL. SQUIRREL. SQUIRREL. I AM MISTER SPLINTERS."
Thankfully, just before the third building-building collision this year, the squirrel Mister Splinters was chasing took a sharp left. The timberwolf dashed after its prey, and that sudden shift in force was enough to dislodge the cauldron from the window. Unfortunately, it caused the cauldron, with Arca and Luna still in it, to go flying into the side of the bank like a wrecking ball. Juniper, meanwhile, shakily stepped off the front porch moments before it collapsed into a pile of debris and sadness with the 'sorry, we are closed' sign drifting down on top of it.
Arca woke up to the sound of alarm klaxons and red lights flashing, most likely due to the fact that he and Luna had just smashed into the vault and were currently half-buried in a pile of bits. "Ugh, wha happened… oh! Wow! Look at all the bits! And flashing lights and sounds! Moon-princess-boss, wake up! I think we hit a jackpot! We must be in Las Pegasus!"
Arca suddenly found a sheet of paper skewered on his horn by none other than the bank manager, Blank Check. "No, but you are in trouble. Help me patch this hole, then you need to reread…
THE LIST OF THINGS ARCA MAY NOT DO AT THE BANK
-Arca is, ironically enough, permitted to access the vault of bits with manager approval.. This is due to the fact that there are less bits in the vault than Arca's net worth, so as long as he makes a note on how much he took, it is technically his money.
-Arca must be accompanied by at least two staff members lest he tries melting all the bits into raw gold again.
-If Arca is in the building, guarding the free candy stash is considered a higher priority than guarding the vault.
-The ATM machine is not a slot machine.
-Nor does it mint bits on the spot.
-There is no cheat code for the ATM.
-And even if there was, Arca has enough 'cheat codes' in his life already.
-Never, under any circumstances whatsoever, is Arca to be given a loan for anything ever.
-Ever.
-Not even if Celestia herself approves.
-'Collateral' does not mean 'Collateral Damage'.
-There are laser sensors, but they are invisible to the naked eye. This is not a spy movie. Arca is discouraged from using any and all acrobatic maneuvers to reach his safe deposit box.
-Arca is discouraged from brewing a potion that allows him to see the lasers, as that may lead to other ponies using it.
-Bring your laser to work day is officially cancelled forever.
-All employees are required to carry a collectible coin at all times. If Arca must be distracted, throw it.
-The above rule is rescinded as Arca began causing problems on purpose.
-Safe deposit boxes are not for depositing safes in.
-Arca may not place any of the following in his safe deposit box: Potions, Potion ingredients (perishable), entire safes, th scond vowl of th alphabt, ANY letter of the alphabet, the last bag of cheesy chips, leftovers, Celestia's regalia, explosives, and a fully functional 1:50 scale model of Alchemiracles, now with potion brewing action.
-We do not have dubloons. You are not a pirate, Arca. No matter how many eyepatches you wear.
-Arca is forbidden from purchasing Arca insurance due to conflict of interest.
-Arca is not allowed to set up an observation room in the vault to try and watch his money multiply as it gathers interest, it doesn't work that way.
-Nor does interest mean a fascination with something.
-After the 'Big Suck' incident, the vacuum tubes used to send things around the bank have been replaced with pneumatics.
-After the 'Big Blow' incident, all things are to be delivered by hoof.
-Not allowed to take bets on whether a loan will be approved.
-Arca is to be reminded that his pin number does not mean he needs to actually bring sewing pins to the bank.
-Just because Arca is nobility, and technically Lord/owner of the entire Chroma Mountain Range, does not mean he has 'dibs' on any foreclosures.
-Loans and I.O.U.s are not the same thing. Arca is allowed neither regardless.
-When Arca barges in once a year panicking about forgetting to do his taxes, please remind him that Celestia's accountants have been filing it for him for the past 600 years.
-When Arca returns in a fresh panic roughly ten minutes later, remind him that as the crown-appointed royal alchemist, his business is tax exempt.
-If Arca continues to panic, distract him with candy and call for a supervisor.
-There is no 'money pit' in the back, and if there was, Arca would not be allowed to swim in it.
-'Bank-mandated repossession' does not mean 'getting possessed a second time', and we do not need an exorcism potion.
-And for everypony's sake, never try to explain the concept of compound interest to Arca. Once was enough.
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List chapters.
The implications of what happened in the past is funny as the list itself.
I smell a Hitman reference since in those games, collectable coins are used as distraction devices
11300463
Kinda? It's actually a self reference, though. Arca is based somewhat on myself, and I like collecting bicentennial quarters.
i'm starting to wonder if arca and bright might be crazy in they're smart minds for the same reason.
Goodness, you're really on a roll lately. Good to have you back.
Always a good time to see what you can come up with for the lists
I'm starting to wonder. With arcane being so old he must have traveled outside of eq, so do the other country's have similar incidents in there history and similar lists?
11300473
Immortality and the boredom thereof?
Arca may deposit the Duck into his Safe Deposit Box. If he can catch him.
11300470
Ah yeah, I remember those. Tried collecting them as a kid, but them immediately got distracted by other things.
Oh, and randomly, I thought of a couple other things for Arca as an addendum
Lmao!
I wonder if there's a list of places that have list.
11300451
We all love a good Noodle Incident. Especially if it comes with sauce~
Why do I feel like he brought in enough sewing pins to match his pin code? Like, his code is 1234 so he brought 1,234 sewing pins with him?
11300645
Exactly what I was aiming for.
If Arca manages to catch The Duck in the the presence of Fluttershy would he be severely reprimanded with the Stare only for The Duck to vouch for him as a friend
11300646
Perfect!
And now I'm picturing Arca with two eyepatches, effectively blind, bumping into things and spinning around too fast when someone behind him says something. All while speaking in an exaggerated pirate accent.
11300727
2 eyepatches, 4 fake peglegs (plus a pake peg-horn), loudly singing "You are a Pirate" while trying to chug a lemonade labled 'grog'.
The Duck is there, dressed as a parrot.
I’ve missed this story. It’s good to have you back, Ashfur.
- By royal decree, under no circumstances is Arca allowed to cash treasury bonds issued a over a thousand years ago.
- If Arca shows up looking to deposit funny looking bits, call the branch manager in to verify if they just old currency or chocolate wrapped in tin foil.
- By royal decree, under no circumstances is any bank allowed to accept a 20 bit gold coin dated 937 from Arca except for storage in a lock deposit box.
- By royal decree, the exception from the above rule is struck.
- By royal decree, Arca is not allowed to withdraw and close out any of his various bank accounts in a single visit.
- Arca is not allowed to work for the bank.
- Arca is not allowed to apply for a job at the bank.
- Arca is not allowed to volunteer at the bank.
- Arca is not allowed to loiter in the bank lobby.
- Or on the roof.
- Or in the bathroom.
- Arca is not allowed to dig under the bank.
- If Arca comes in looking for the duck, tell him it’s not here.
- This goes double for in the unlikely event the duck is in bank again.
- Triple if he’s looking right at it.
- You’ll be fired and liable for the collateral damage if you tell him it’s here while it’s quacking.
11300991
"What do you mean I'm not allowed to cash these old bonds! You know I'm forgetful!"
11301015
-Arca is to be reminded that treasury bonds from the bank don't work like coupons at PetMart and the Hayburger in the sense that you can still use them long after they expired.
(This one came to my mind after that remark reminded me of my mom's habit of keeping around expired Bed, Bath and Beyond coupons. Turns out venues like Petsmart and Burger King still accept expired coupons as long as it's their own)
Yar har fiddle dee dee, being a pirate is alright with me
11301222
Oh... Don't know why I forgot about Twilight, Cadence amd Flurry.
Thanks!
11301015
Princess Boss: “…be that as it may, Equestria stopped using dragon scales as currency 995 years ago.”
Ahh, it's been too long since we got a "list of things Arca isn't allowed to do" chapter.
11301463
Yeah, I wanted to do the tings Arca shouldn't do at the concert hall, because
-Arca is not allowed to enchant the Piano to play Rush E until it breaks
...but i couldn't pass up the wrecking ball cauldron gag
11301478
Good to know you have some rules ready for the concert episode
I miss reading the long list of rules. Great way for a couple to experience Rainbow Falls
The bank list was entertaining but ultimately in this situation is meaningless. He broke none of the rules with the closest being the slot machine. Nothing on being launched in a cauldron through the wall
On is mister splinters a TMMT reference/joke?