“Good afternoon, Doctor Cross. I am in severe pain.”
Doctor Red Cross of the Rainbow Falls General Hospital (possibly the most reinforced and indestructible building in Equestria) looked at his latest patient. Arcane was covered in soot, his lab coat was slightly ripped at the sleeves, and a few strands of his mane was on fire.
“It got away again, didn't it?”
Arca sighed, his ears drooping. “Yeah… that floofin’ bird always gets the better of me. Any other avian creature, I've caught one or two, but that blasted duck… I think it's still on the mountain, too. Anyway, do you have anything for having a giant anvil made of smaller anvils dropped on your head?”
“I'd write you a prescription for a pain relief potion, but you supply them. Just go home, take a potent pain potion- that's a pain RELIEF potion, not one that just causes pain, and get some rest. Oh, and take this too, and look it over before the next time you volunteer at the hospital.”
“Ooh, they updated the list? I love those, they're filled with fun memories! See you later Doctor Cross, and good luck with your patience!”
Cross watched him leave, grumbling to himself. “I swear, that colt. Ageless, never sick, and still causes me more of a headache than most of my patients. I hope he takes his time reading…”
THE LIST OF THINGS ARCA MAY NOT DO AT THE HOSPITAL
-Am I allowed to edit this list?
-No, Arca may not edit this list. He may only suggest things to add, and they must be approved by the hospital board.-Arca may not use the medical liquid nitrogen to make ice cream.-Arca may not use the medical liquid nitrogen to make nitroglycerin explosives.
-Arca is no longer allowed near the medical liquid nitrogen.
-Hospital blood drives are not actually run by ‘the secret vampony society’.
-Or any secret society.
-Laughter is NOT the best medicine, especially when it involves slapstick comedy in the intensive care unit. Even if Arca is the one getting hurt, it just kills morale.
-Arca is not allowed to make reference to death, such as ‘Oh, you are killing me over here!’ when laughing.
-Do not suggest patients do dangerous things because ‘YOLO’.
-Arca may not instead suggest such actions because ‘YOLF’ (You Only Live Forever), as the few beings that applies to are not often hospitalized.
-No racing stretchers down the hall in the building anywhere.
-’I got a splinter’ is not a reason to run to the ER, Arca.
-Yes, Arca has PhDs in both Alchemy and Advanced Magical theory, but his Doctoral status does not make him a medical doctor.
-Not allowed to steal laughing gas to cheat at open mic night at the comedy club.
-Blood plasma and actual plasma are not interchangeable, except maybe for Princess Celestia.
-'We need to amputate’ is a last resort, not the correct procedure for a broken hoof.
-Arca may not hijack the hospital laundry room to clean his lab coats.
-The hippocratic oath does not involve actual hippos.
-Despite how useful it would be, there is no ‘The Duck-ectomy’ procedure to remove it from Arca's life.
-’I stepped on a pebble’ is not an excuse to run to the ER, Arca.
-Not allowed to rap to the beat of a heart monitor.
-Fictional diseases in comics are FICTIONAL, and even if they were not, Arca has access to a (very expensive) cure for all illnesses anyway.
-The grand panacea may only be prescribed with permission from the crown, due to the secrecy surrounding it. In the event it is prescribed, it is not to be referred to as such.
-Arca may not request a tonsillectomy with the intent of bypassing his daily limit of ice cream.
-No fridge magnets near the MRI.
-Arca is permitted to use only one pump of soap to wash his hooves per visit to the restroom, unless he brings his own.
-No disassembling the X-ray machine to try and get the X-ray glasses Arca got from a cereal box to work.
-The basement is off limits to Arca. The morgue is down there and he's seen one too many zombie movies.
-Yes, most ponies aside from a select few die at some point after drinking dihydrogen monoxide. That does not mean Arca may destroy the water cooler ‘to save the world’.
-Surgical masks are not ninja gear.
-Scalpels are not throwing knives.
-Suggesting an IV drip for potions to test injected potion effects instead of simply drinking them is not allowed.
-'Juniper won't let me have any more cookies’ is not an excuse to run to the ER, Arca.-The operating theater is not a place for popcorn.-Or sodas.
-No food or drink in the operating theater.
-Arca's suggestion of ‘Arca is permitted to ignore these rules at his leisure’ has been unanimously rejected.
-Using the magic mirror pool to create two patients and give one a placebo ‘for control purposes’ is a bad idea.
-Letting Arca anywhere near the magic mirror pool is also a bad idea.
-There is no uncommon cold, holofoil cold, or limited edition cold. Diseases are not trading cards.
-Arca is forbidden from going anywhere near the maternity ward, as he freaks out and/or gags. Seriously Arca, you are over a millennia old, it's nothing you haven't seen before.
-Juniper Berry’s reminder to the board that Arca has never even had a marefriend, let alone gotten intimate with one, has led to the rescinding of the above comment. Also, somepony please contact princess Cadance, a significant other might mellow him out a bit.
-Arca may take one lollipop OR one sticker per visit, once a day, and only if said visit is for a legitimate reason.
-Arca is not allowed within 50 hooves of the coffeemaker.
-Doctor's orders are not ‘Simon says’.
-'I dunno, I just felt like running to the ER’ is not an excuse for running to the ER, Arca.
-Whichever doctor volunteers to give Arca his annual physical receives an extra two weeks of vacation time, no questions asked.
-Ballgowns are not hospital gowns.
-‘My Boss told me to’ is not excuse to run to the ER, Juniper.
-The above rule does not apply if Juniper actually needs medical attention.
-Arca is requested to refrain from commenting on anypony's bedside manner, as Lead Pediatric Surgeon Dr. Bedside Manner gets offended by it.
-'I thought this was Hayburger’ is not an excuse to run to the ER, Arca.
-'Are you sure this isn't Hayburger’ is not an excuse to run BACK to the ER, Arca.
-No, the cafeteria does not serve hayburgers, Arca.
-Arca's request to build a Hayburger next to or inside the hospital has been unanimously rejected. There's already one three blocks down the road.
-More band-aids is not the correct solution to any problem.
-Ultrasounds are not the same as megaphones.
-Arca may not read the encyclopedia of diseases, as he tends to think every itch is a symptom.
-Do not use any hospital equipment as an impromptu drum kit.
-Arca is no longer permitted to access the hospital storage without supervision ever.
-The IV drip bags are not helium balloons.
-Wheelchairs are designed to help impaired creatures move around. Arca is not to use them for any of the following: Conga lines, Racecars, Mechas, Catapults, Miniature mobile potion shops, Dioramas, Barricades, Weapons against The Duck, Music videos, Roller coasters, and any idea involving the words ice, mayonnaise, or cyan.
-'Zzzz’ is not an excuse to run sleeptrot to the ER, Arca.
Arca: "Hmm... They never said anything about rare cold..."
Those lists are always hilarious
9408324
I was gonna write a more substantial chapter but I was sick so...
SO, does Arca have any enemies? He's immortal, he must have gone adventuring at some point. Surely he p***** off a lich or some other immortal thing somewhere down the line.
Anyone else have any ideas for our dear writer?
9408398
Do you seriously not remember the Duck? It was in the previous chapter
I wonder...
9408324
EVERY entry on these lists has to be linked to a potential chapter for this story.
-Arca is not allowed to bring his own soap unless it was purchased from a store that he has no financial stake in.
This one is my favorite, though:
Fun fact: "I got a splinter" was an actual excuse to go to the ER one time. My dad got a splinter in a finger joint that made it hurt to move his finger... at 3am when nothing else was open. So against his wishes, my Mom dragged him to the ER, where he sat next to some guy with like a walker and an oxygen tank and a gravelly voice. Dude looked like he was on death's doorstep. And he turns to my dad and says,
"What are you here for?"
"I got a splinter."
"Oh." He coughed a few times. "I bet it hurts."
"No, not really."
9408437
Why not a love interest? I would love to see someone like that little panda girl from FMA Brotherhood as like a vampony.
Who is head over fangs in love with that lab coat wearing, fluff obsessed stallion. But hates any and all rivals, even if they are only rivals in her own head.
-"But that's the way we did it when I was a foal." is not an acceptable argument for any medical procedure.
9408673
HOW DO YOU KNOW THIS???!!!
(thank you)
9408663
You know what? I think an immortal with a crush might be funny. I'd need a few days to work out the details, but one thing's for sure...
Arca's gonna be the densest material on the planet.
9408673
I am an expert.
9408678
Brilliant, and I'll be honest, I tossed around a few tries on how to word that before scrapping it entirely. But you nailed it!
-Also, Arca is not allowed near his old bloodletting kit in the museum. Use medically approved methods. Please.
9408683
I've researched this stuff before. For the average adult, an unhealthy amount of caffeine is more than 400mg/day. The average American adult drinks 180mg/day. The best I could find for an overdose limit is based on a few case studies that ranged from 192mg/L to 567mg/L.
Typically, a fatal overdose requires ingesting over 5g of caffeine.
9408699
-Arca is also forbidden from visiting the hospital immediately after a trip to
Hayseedany swamp. We don't use leeches anymore, Arca.9408690
It wouldn't be funny if Arca wasn't denser then Osmium and Plutonium combined.
I just thought it would be even more funny that she would lash out at other mares who try to get close to her little Arcy Warky. Poor Juniper would have to double her headache potions, and Emerald... Heh heh heh! I'll leave that up to you.
The only mare that would be "safe" would be Meadowbrook, for she is more like Arca's mom then anything else.
I dunno, seems sound enough to me.
You know what, fair enough.
I fail to see how this is not an insanely awesome idea. Why wouldn't you want to pilot a mecha instead of rolling a wheelchair? Actually, how do pony wheelchairs work anyway? Do they just sit in the Lyra pose? I can't imagine that being good for their spines.
9408905
And who says Juniper isnt the pony in disguise?Not really, though. My editor and I agree that wouldn't make sense as she already has a family and has a different, non-intimate kind of relationship with her boss.
Hold on, is this a Basket Case reference I see? It’s probably not, but hey.
(Context: in the music video for Green Day’s Basket Case, Tré Cool is drumming at his kit while sitting in a wheelchair.)
9408906
I guess you never seen a little show by the name of The Kids Next Door. That had a group of villains Senior Citizen Squad! They had a Mech by combining Maurice's wheelchair (referred to as "Gentitron") to form legs, Sheldon's walker (referred to as "Sahpilator") for the body, and Lydia's walking stick (referred to as "Grandmachine") as the arms.
Also they had on the show both kind of wheelchairs, the normal one all hospitals have and the more personal walking wheelchair.
9408958
It's actually a family guy reference tho
9408917
Nonononononono! Juniper is fine as she is. I was kinda thinking the love interest would show up in like um... more like THIS. (But with far less blood and absolutely no death.) Then she sees Arca and the cute switch be flipped!
9408959
Arca: but my limb restoration potion works much faster than my bone mending potion plus free limes
9408769
huh, and as a caffeinated pinkie pie, how much is your O.D.?
Or make everything even more interesting if she is the right mare.
i.pinimg.com/236x/34/94/46/34944642bc5cd171474d46564ea76590--rubiks-cube-the-cult.jpg
9408678
Nobody can argue that leeches were ineffective though.
I remember seeing one documentary showing a kid actually having leeches used on him for his ears after her got mauled, I believe.
9410712
...
lulusoso.com/upload/20120310/Inflatable_Jagermeister_bottle_inflatable_MillerLite_Chair_inflatable.jpg
I’m going to need a bigger Jager bottle to handle that last thought...
9410712
Hey, I know! Let's ship Arca with pony Mrs Frizzle.
Could you IMAGINE how many new potions he could make with ingredients that you can only gather with a shrinking, transforming, time-traveling, all-terrain-including-space school bus?
"SEATBELTS, EVERYPONY!"
"LABCOATS TOO!"
9410980
Which is why I didn't specify 'for' or 'against'. Simply that it wasn't a valid argument.
And, yes, leaches are still used in certain cases. Most notably in re-attachment surgeries to increase blood flow to and prevent blood pooling in re-attached or transplanted extremities. Certain fly larva are also used to help remove gangrenous tissue from wounds.
Edit: Okay, I used the word "for", but in the context and with brevity in mind, I felt it was the best wording. The point was that the argument itself isn't valid, even if the procedure being argued over is. Sorry that wasn't clear.
9411194
Ew ew ew ew ew no
Gross
I don wanna think about that... I'm so glad we have modern medicine
9411248
But that IS modern medicine!
9410983
But wasn’t there an episode of TMSB where Frizzle was dating someone already?
9411248
Those actually are modern practices. Transplanted and re-attached extremities have trouble returning blood back to the body so it tends to pool and stop circulating. The old method to deal with this was literally blood letting by cuts. This way the old blood can be removed, making way for fresh blood to supply the area. Unfortunately this method is only good in one spot one time and so you end up with LOTS of cuts and the ensuing trauma. You can extend that time by using anti-coagulants, but that comes with a whole host of other issues since any other places the patient is injured (like, say, the point of a recent transplant) will also continue to bleed instead of heal. Leaches solve this beautifully. First, they don't significantly damage the tissue they attach to so you can use them in many locations all at once and 'full' leaches can easily be replaced by hungry ones on the same location repeatedly. They also draw blood (relatively) slowly over a long time so the effect isn't as shocking to the tissue and blood flow remains more constant. They naturally use a localized anti-coagulant so they can keep feeding without the host becoming a hemophiliac. Lastly, if properly cared for, they are FAR less likely to cause infection due to their own natural defenses and the aforementioned reduced damage vs. cutting.
As for fly larva, certain species excel at eating dead flesh but won't touch living tissue. In certain situations they are much better at cleaning a wound than a surgeon with a scalpel could ever be. This is for many of the same reasons leaches work better (less trauma, reduced infection risk).
Of course, we should remember that science marches on. These practices fell out of use in the past because we didn't understand them and so were used in unhelpful ways. They are coming back into use because we are finding specific instances where they actually are beneficial (as opposed to the previous "for everything").
-Blood plasma and actual plasma are not interchangeable, except maybe for Princess Celestia.
-‘My Boss told me to’ is not excuse to run to the ER, Juniper.
-The above rule does not apply if Juniper actually needs medical attention.
Nice secondary catch clause
-Yes, most ponies aside from a select few die at some point after drinking dihydrogen monoxide.
Well EVENTUALLY they do.
Arca is a gift that keeps on giving
9408398
Peeved
9412200
But I thought Juniper was to be his new marefreind. . .
You know, it's actually quite annoying to try to make nitroglycerin with pure nitrogen. It tends not to want to react. You have to reduce it down to nitrogen dioxide first and then bubble it through a concentrated hydrogen peroxide solution.
After which you need to perform distillation to concentrate the resultant nitric acid and then react it with glycerin.
(Alondro knows chemistry... the world is doomed.)
*Pulls out Pinkie Pie*
Here's the PERFECT marefriend for him!
9427513
Are you serious?! Do you KNOW what would happen if you introduced those two together?! It could end up destroying reality as we know it!!!
....or it could turn him Sane.
9454613
Pinkie Pie would enlist him in her Prank Wars. Can you imagine what potions he'd make?
Arca is not allowed near the X-ray Machine after he got curious about weather or not it could fit out the window.
9542444
Nah that was the helium tanks. He's not allowed the X-ray machine after the 'treasure hunt incident'. Cooincidentally the hospital has permanently canceled 'Dress Like A Pirate' day for the forseeable duture.
Not has access he is the cure to any illness
Not a bad idea
The format could need a work over...
Seriously... That guys needs to get laid...
Hippo means hourse.
Insightful possibility!
The obvious connection is obvious, in addition to the possibility of him animating them, he could get spooked and destroy them as a preventative measure.
Well, that explains why he doesn't have any noted descendents? Well, that and the limited supply of persons willing to date, let alone marry him... that is small, but I would imagine Juniper, Celestia, and Twilight would otherwise be plausible if unlikely, thus proving the availability of more.candidates by statistical inference... well, mostly the first one as the others are themselves too much of outliers to be reasonable sample members to extrapolate from.
A valid alternate interpretation of the data!
How much of this is because of his physiology (1) and how much because of his personality?
(1) Read a fic where Twilight went in for her first post-ascension physical without knowing why the royal physicians are such an elite group. Her reactions to the tests anomalous to the tests were so divergent and strong as to present a... strong hazard to the doctor.
If it was not for the date, I would think this was a G5 reference... Although I could be wrong about when the movie came out.
9408772
I wonder if they will make a comeback in Equestria, the way they did IRL? No, I am not joking, and this is mainstream medicine, albeit for treatment after reattaching severed bits I think? Maybe other things, and only labs raised leeches are used, but...