Memo to the holiday help
Hey, Juniper insisted I wrote something here so I wrote a haiku.
Welcome to the team
We have lots of potions here
Juniper help I forgot how many syllables it is
Singed, Arcane Catalyst
Ignore the above, please. I just wanted to give you an idea of what you're going to be working with. Welcome to Alchemiracles. If you're reading this, you've been hired as temporary extra help during the holiday rush. Honestly the Boss can do everything himself, but he doesn't handle customers well. Or at all. He tried experimenting on one once. So, seeing as you already read the policies on how the retail aspect of the job is handled, I have prepared a list of guidelines to help you not get hurt, and help you understand why this 3 week long job pays 100 bits an hour. Please, do not ask why these exist, and expect to do something during your stay that will be added to this list.
-Arcane Catalyst responds to being called Arcane, Arca, Boss, and Captain Noodles.
-The customer may think they are always right, but if they get fussy refer them to Arca and move on.
-Arca is not allowed to roll initiative to see who talks to the customers first, nor roll charisma to make a better sale.
-Keep clear of the lab door, Arca opens it fast and without warning.
-Keep a potent healing potion on you at all times.
-Keep a potent fire resistance potion on you at all times.
-Keep a potent explosion resistance potion on you at all times.
-Keep a potent electricity resistance potion on you at all times.
-Do not ask Arca to combine the three resistance potions into a single, more manageable potion, or you will immediately require all three and the healing potion.
-Yes, potions can be flavored upon request, but Arca hogs the grape flavoring to himself.
-And the strawberry.
-Arca is not allowed to restock the shelves without supervision. He can and will get distracted.
-If something stains the wall, alert the hardware store what color the stain is so they can arrange to be out of that color paint. Arca would rather repaint the shop than deal with a stain.
-Do not call any of the couches ‘sofas’.
-Under no circumstances are any mane growth potions to be mentioned, ever.
-Keep Arca away from the decorative presents. He will open them and be disappointed they are empty.
-Don't let Arca near the sugar.
-The shop being on fire is the bare minimum situation that you may disturb Juniper during her coffee break for.
-In case you are from out of town, ‘get floofed’ is the same as ‘buck you’ in this town.-Arca is amazing and cool you should give him all the potion ingredients you have and let him try new potions on you
-Arca is not allowed to edit these guidelines.
-Juniper may be given a sympathy hug at any time she is not in the middle of something.
-Arca is not allowed to play with superballs in the shop again, ever.
-Even if he asks nicely.
-This applies to any sporting equipment, actually.
-Any and all potion prescriptions are to be reviewed by Juniper for tampering by Arca. He tries to ‘improve’ the formula sometimes.
-If Arca offers you a beverage, odds are he spiked it with an untested but mostly harmless potion for a field test.
-The above rule does not apply if the cup is the one that changes color based on temperature, he likes that one.
-If you have to question a strange behavior, ask Juniper first.
-Pretend any strange noises, vibrations, and flashes in the shop are not there.
-Do not go near the locked door in the back of the lab. Arca keeps his emergency stuffed animals back there.
-Do not question Arca's choice of attire. He has never been seen without his lab coat, or similar clothing, and likely never will.
-Saying ‘What could go wrong?’ or anything similar will result in something going wrong.
-Don't ask about the duck.
-Seriously, DON'T ASK ABOUT THE DUCK
-If you hear Arca say ‘Whoops’,’Oops’,or ‘Uh oh’, you are legally permitted to evacuate the neighborhood at your discretion.
-If you hear Arca panicking and telling anypony in earshot to run, you are legally required to evacuate the town immediately, no exceptions.
By following these guidelines, you should have an easier time working here during the holiday rush. Happy Hearth's Warming, New Year, and welcome to the team! Good luck.
You're gonna need it.
Signed, Juniper Berry
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Eh, better than my first job.
Singed Arcane Catalyst
Signed perhaps?
Also, this is by far the best chapter, at the moment
9355083
Nope, singed. As in burned. Had to make a note there when writing so my editor wouldn't fix it.
Good eye though!
What's this about a duck?
*yes, I'm directing this to Arca*
9355148
Arca went silent, a thousand-yard stare adorning his face.
"Never again."
When Princess Luna comes to oversee the next Rainbow Falls Traders Exchange, she plans on setting her throne directly in Alchemical's front door. Why? As a bit of payback for all the nightmares Arca has caused.
Oh fuck, Arca is totally the doctor bright of this universe
except unlike doctor bright, Arca seems to care about people. And I'm not sure if arca is immortal or not9355182
pics.me.me/oh-come-on-13987608.png
This is just as bad as the mystery around SCP-447-2's effect on dead bodies!
I just want to know!
9355316
Hey, someone who actually understands the reference! Yeah, I got inspired by "Things Dr. Bright is not allowed to do", including editing the list
9355318
Fine, new rule:
Don't ask about the duck until Ashfur figures out a backstory that actually gives a valid reason as to why one should not ask about the duck.
Because I intended it to be a JOKE
I wonder what would happen if arca got ahold of some weed or maybe even SCP-420-J
It would be quite something for sure
9355328
Consider the following: it's Arca. Arca is a very silly pony, who has very silly triggers. In all likelyhood, the Duck Incident was completely and utterly ridiculous, and most likely involved a new potion, and possibly a duck.
9355339
A high Arca
Dear Celestia, I think everything within a 10-mile radius of Rainbow Falls would get ruined
Waiting for the inevitable "potion seller, I am going to battle and need your strongest potions" reference/homage chapter
I would sooooooo work here! I mean really! It's not just a job, it's an ADVENTURE!
res.cloudinary.com/teepublic/image/private/s--ZCBUdQRm--/t_Resized%20Artwork/c_fit,g_north_west,h_954,w_954/co_ffffff,e_outline:48/co_ffffff,e_outline:inner_fill:48/co_ffffff,e_outline:48/co_ffffff,e_outline:inner_fill:48/co_bbbbbb,e_outline:3:1000/c_mpad,g_center,h_1260,w_1260/b_rgb:eeeeee/c_limit,f_jpg,h_630,q_90,w_630/v1488659049/production/designs/1290994_1.jpg
9355634
Juniper says "I give him 3 days."
I don't suppose you still have an opening?
9355413
Ha, like Arca would refuse to sell a potion to anypony for any reason. It'd probably go like
9356048
Nah, it would be more like
"Potion seller, I am going into battle and need your strongest potions!"
"OH BOY CAN I COME?"
9355339
Great and Horrible things, I imagine. Maybe some Horrible and Great things as well.
9355227
I may borrow this but in a different way. It is funnier the way I imagine it.
That is to say, Luna has not met Arca, and blocks his shop to spite him, only for Arca to... well... be Arca about having buisness obstructed.
I think this just helped me realize why I already love Arca as a character... he reminds me of Dr. Bright, and his list of things he is not allowed to do... and if you haven't watched/read the list... I highly reccomend it! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uygl9SOxJQU
9359078
Where do you think this chapter came from?
SCP now stands for: Specially Concocted Potions.
Sooo much win on the SCP reference. I've just had a worrying thought... Him and Dr Bright.. and Dr king... Or Dr Kondraki...
I'm going to go listen to soothing music now..
9359867
-Dr. Bright is no longer permitted to use [Data Expunged] to contact the entity known as "Arcane Catalyst."
-Dr. Bright is banned from asking SCP-294 for 'a cup of Arca's strongest potion', as he could not handle it and needed a new host
I think Arca and Dr. Weird would get along splendidly.
I wish I could work there and use the
couchSofa fortresssOhhh! It did both! Again!
I got a quarter of the way through this and I couldn't breath. And now I want to question the duck.
9393130
6 days
Yeah, when the crazy wacko without self preservation gets spooked you better run!
9398186
-If Arca says "Stand back", "I got this", or, Celestia forbid, "hold my cider", the Arca limit is temporarily considered to cover all of Equestria until he finishes doing whatever he plans to do. Your best option is to get on your knees and pray.
-If Arca says "Hold my lab coat", there is likely nopony left to do so. This has apparently happened once and only once, and all records of said event have been purposely destroyed by Celestia herself. Via teleportation to the sun.
(Not really that powerful, but I couldn't resist. Consider this comment non-canon.)
I think if a store ever handed me a list like that for employment I'd be contractually obligated to the universe to work there for the season
I think I would take this as a challenge and make a request for frobscottle to send home to the folks
100 bits an hour?! They could be sacrificing foals and I would sign up in a heartbeat!
9408666
Yes, guards, this comment right here.
...I kinda wanna see Arca meet Schadenfreude.
Ps if he say's "Well that's New" or some variation prepare to die.
Fun fact: To properly end that haiku in a 5 7 5, Arca would’ve needed to end his third line at “I”.
This reminds me of the ,things doctor Bright is not allowed to do, list for the scp foundation
9534694
OH MY GOD THAT WOULD BE THE AWESOMEST/EVILLEST THING EVER! Wait, why is Discord running for the hills shouting "Nope, I'm out!"
I just started reading this. I absolutely love it. This guy is all the best parts of Dr. Bright.
9659224
Doctor bright and arcane meeting would probably be a lot worse than if pinkie met arcane considering the huge list of things Doctor bright is not allowed to do and don't get me started on what arcane might try to make using things from scps
Good lord, I would never let her go. I'd literally never set her down and just cuddle her all day. Would be awkward to work like that, but Sacrifices must be made in the name of hugs and sympathy!
"I made you coffee with... stuff! Drink it. It'll make you feel better. Or turn into a pigeon for a few hours."
Wait.... so was the coffee going to turn her into a pigeon? Or was it going to become a pigeon itself, with the way Arac is I can't tell
9984409
Yes.
Sign me up!
9398186
Considering that a volcano of Arcane's making on his land (again) required a government official telling him to clean it up before he so much as said 'minion, get the broom', I shudder to imagine what would make him say 'uh oh', much less full on telling people to run.
Is Lyra a relative of this Stallion?