Extra Virgin Olive Oil
"And here's the escape hatch to the cellar in case we ever get robbed."
"With all due respect, Juniper, I can move the sun across the sky. I think I can hold my own against a common mugger. Besides, I'm twice your size, there's no way I'd fit through there."
"Don't tell that to Arca or he'll be spending the next week excavating a bigger tunnel. And then he'll remember he needs a permit to do that, so he'll spend another week fixing it." Juniper shook her head, letting out a mix of a sigh and a giggle. She had spent the better half of the morning showing Celestia around the shop and teaching her to work the register so she could work at Alchemiracles part time, and it had honestly been a lot of fun to have somepony to talk to that wasn't as crazy as her boss.
Celestia glanced at the door to the lab in the back of the shop. "I do hope he's alright. He's been locked in there for hours ever since I gave him some tail hairs for an experiment he wanted to run." As if on cue, the door swung open, and the pony in question sulked out.
"I don't get it! I've been at this for six hours, and I keep bucking up!" He trotted over to the water pitcher behind the counter and poured himself a cup, downing it in a single gulp. "I get the finest ingredients, laser sharp focus on my craft, nothing! Celestia, I hate to ask, but I need more tail hair."
"Why, exactly?" Juniper inquired. "Trying a new potion, boss?"
"An old one. Like, really really old. 800 years old, as a matter of fact, from a travelling zebra I met. I got a special order from the hospital for a patient with a rare eye condition, and I specifically need the tail hair of a virgin mare to make it work! Stupid old-fashioned recipies," he grumbled to himself. Celestia, meanwhile, was actually blushing red. Juniper was surprised, she had never seen the princess like this but…
"O-oh! Sorry Arcane, I know what the problem is. I'm a bit too old for that recipe. You'll just have to improvise something. I know you can do it!"
"Well, if you won't fit the bill, I guess it's time for plan B."
As Arca trotted to the front door, Juniper leaned toward the still blushing solar princess. "P-princess?"
"Hush!" She whispered back at Juniper abruptly. "It's not exactly a national secret, but don't tell Arca I've been around the block a few times. I don't think he could handle it."
"Got it. But while I'm fine with that, if I know my boss, it's time to teach you about the hardest part of the job…" Juniper watched with a sigh, knowing she was in for a long day, as Arca kicked the front door of the shop open, and called out loud enough that ponies could hear him on the market street at the end the Arca limit.
"I REQUIRE A VIRGIN SACRIFICE!"
"...damage control."
Unlike most towns, when a crazed pony in a labcoat barges into the market street asking for a virgin sacrifice, nopony really paid Arca any mind. Yes, the tourists and new residents ran screaming, but that was inevitable. Most simply gave Arcane a polite greeting as he blatantly wandered around requesting his rather peculiar ingredient. Celestia and Juniper were following close behind, in case anything went wrong-
"Hi miss, are you a virgin?"
SLAP
"Ow! What was that for? It was only a question! Do you have a sister or someth-"
SLAP
"OW!"
As the orange alchemist teleported away in defeat to another part of the street, Celestia and Juniper dashed off after him. "Ah, this takes me back, I remember having to deal with this centuries ago! The stories I could tell you, Juniper."
"I really don't wanna think about what he was like before modern laws were in place."
"Pretty much the same, but he got in trouble less."
SLAP
"Why do ponies keep hitting me today?"
"Eh, you can tell me more later. Now follow that alchemist!"
Razzle Dazzle was in the middle of a very important press interview with members from a top-rated fashion magazine when suddenly, a familiar pony in a familiar lab coat came crashing through the window. To her credit, Razzle was the only one who didn't even flinch, having known the culprit for longer than most ponies could trace their lineage back in time. "Arca! While I do appreciate your presence, I would appreciate it if you didn't startle the cameraponies."
"Oh! Hi Razzle! Happy slap-ponies-in-the-face day, I think. I really need to keep track of my holidays, that last Earth pony tossed me through a window!" Arca got up and brushed himself off. "How are you?"
"Busy. What are you up to? Don't you have a shop to look after?"
"Nah, Celestia and Juniper have that covered. I'm busy chasing tail!" He cheerfully started walking out as Razzle frantically stood up from her seat.
"Wait, it's finally time?! Oh Arcie, I've saved my first time for this moment! I'm all yours!"
"Yeah, I need a virgin mare to help me with a… problem in the lab, as it were. Hold up… Razzle, are you a virgin?"
"Yes! And you can do whatever you want with me~" she replied with bedroom eyes.
BZZZZZZT
Razzle Dazzle's eyes went wide as she felt a magically powered razor sheared off her entire tail at the base. "Gee, thanks Razzle! You're the best, this is just what I needed for my potion! By the way, you're like 600 years old, you need to get laid. I think that's how the saying goes, anyway… well, have fun with your interview!" And in a flash of teleportation, he was gone.
Celestia poked her head in the window not a second later. "Excuse me, did an orange pony in a lab coat come crashing through here- oh. Razzle. I… see Arca got what he was looking for. Is he still as dense as ever?"
"No, he got worse."
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Oh, Arca, never change!
"SEND ME YOUR VIRGINS"
9961555
Unless it's his labcoat
Well that went from zero to sixty in ten seconds flat... Even worse is the fact that he can't see that asking ponies about that is beyond inappropriate.
Never change, Arca. Never change
Can I upvote twice?
9961571
"I don't see what the problem is! Doctors ask their patients about thier sex lives! I'm a doctor technically!" -Arca, being told why there's a new item being added to the lists
Applause, many many applause!
9961582
That would just only tempt many ponies (myself included) for him to show proof.
Of course, knowing Arca... he probably hasn't had his doctorate (if he has one) renewed in... like hundreds of years?
"I REQUIRE A VIRGIN SACRIFICE!!"
Ponies:
"What? It's just to use you for making an ancient potion recipe I got from an evil enchantress who does evil dances!"
Ponies:
This is going to end in another Hairpocalypse, isn’t it?
"Hey Arcane, I've looked at that recipe of your's. You do know that the olives has to be not just fresh, but "just picked off the plant" fresh. Otherwise, well it be a lot easier and less time consuming to just sell Poison Joke juice. As for the hair one, there was a misprint. Supposed to be 2 teaspoons, not tablespoons, of shaving cream."
9961629
The whole point is that he doesn't see the problem with any of that.
9961739
Referenced that already. Might do it again. Maybe.
Oh you poor innocent.
btw
rather
startle
9961768
Fixed, thank you verymuch
Ey, I just realized, you got your cover picture done by the same person I did! Sweet!
Arca, why? Surely you didn't need the entire tail.
9961833
its arca. if its crazy enough to work he will do it with out a second thought.
9961833
"But what if I need more later? Better to just get it in bulk now, it's not like hair goes bad. Unlike cheese. Found that one out the hard way..."
9961563
VRGINS FOR THE VIRGIN GODS
POTIONS FOR THE POTION THRONE
"No, he got worse." is the best part. Great chapter as usual.
9961993
FTFY
9962132
what dos FTFY mean
9962234
Don't feel bad, I had to look it up as well.
It stands for "Fixed That For You".
It would have been far easier for Arca to have taken a gender swap potion and got the hairs from himself
Wait, Juniper isn’t a virgin... interesting.
Also, this chapter is great.
9962314
No, she is. Arca just knows better than to do that to her when she can easily rat him out to his adopted mother.
9962468
How old Juniper is? Little older than teen?
...*Sighs* There are no words Arca...
9962767
Mid 20s
9961580
Forget upvoting twice how about upvoting for every chapter. You are truly a master of comedy ashfur
9963039
I have been referred to as "the alicorn of comedic writing" in the past. But you wanna know a really ironic, twisted, secret about my stories?
I think they suck.
9963138
It seems the majority disagree
Razzle just got screwed. And not the way she wanted.
9962234
Fixed that for you
Well, that was hilarious.
9963138
I beg to differ, kind sir!
Is it though, will a succupony's tail hair work?