• Member Since 10th Sep, 2013
  • offline last seen May 2nd

Justice3442


Horrifically Fun

T
Source

Starlight and Trixie go to the store to buy groceries. A task so mundane there’s pretty much no way they can mess it up.

Note: Part of my “Twilight, Spike, Starlight, Trixie, Tempest Shadow, and Grubber all hang out at Twilight’s Castle continuity” which I should maybe think up a name for… 3TsG2Ss? It’s Always Sunny in Ponnyville?

Thanks to
Tired Old Man,
Nova Quill/Firimil, and
Steel Resolvefor their edits and suggestions and cloudyglow for the adorbs vector!

Chapters (4)
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Comments ( 95 )

Twilight’s School of Friendship Doctorate

"Please, have a seat, I'm Dr. Light.

And sensible isn't in Trixie's vocabulary Glimmy, you just doomed yourself to shenanigans.

Part of my “Twilight, Spike, Starlight, Trixie, Tempest Shadow, and Grubber all hang out at Twilight’s Castle continuity” which I should maybe think up a name for…

Pony Teen Hunger Force.

I'll read the actual fic in the morning when I can see straight.

Starlight’s frustrated grimace only deepened. “What the living crap is ‘smeet pichies’?!”

Ask Twilight.

Trixie raised an eyebrow. “And you didn’t think to ask her why?”

Apparently not.

“One, they’re not secret if you let everyone know about them, Starlight,” Trixie quipped.

A fair point.

Starlight chuckled. “Well, if she wanted anypony to find out about them, we’d know about them, wouldn’t we?”

... I guess.

Trixie just sighed. “I know that look. That was a nice day in Ponyville mostly devoid of ponies screaming we were having today.”

Which will never do.

“It’s a test… Afriendshiptest!”

Dammit Starlight...

Trixie’s face tightened. “Every word you just said made Trixie want to smack you in your stupid smug face.” She tilted her head slightly. “Now consider the source of that for a bit.”

She has a point.

Starlight hummed thoughtfully to herself. “No, no… that’d be too easy… This has got to be an advanced friendship field test of some sort…”

That'd be too easy, she even adresses the stupidity of what she's doing and goes with it anyway!

Trixie frowned. “Well, you certainly spend more time with her, but I spend more time secretly reading her journals, notes for various things, and mail that’s sent to her… Not to mention sifting through her garbage and shouting things about how spankable her flank is and how her hooves are just begging to be feather tickled.” Trixie grunted in displeasure and stared at the tiled floor. “Things she mostly doesn’t see or hear because she’s too busy reading, preparing for classes, or ‘not being a creeper’ as Spike puts it.” Sighing heavily, Trixie starred up wistfully at the ceiling. “Why don’t you notice my hate for you, Twilight?”

... You two need to hatefuck at some point.

Starlight patted Trixie’s shoulder. “I’m sure Twilight will notice and hateciprocate someday soon, Trixie. You just have to keep on riding that horse until she breaks under all the annoying things you do.” She frowned slightly. "Just make sure to let me know when she does; I want to be far, far away when that particular flood hits." Starlight paused and stared unseeing into the distance. "I don't want to be stuck with the mop up."

I'd have gone with reciprohate, personally.

Trixie smiled at Starlight and nodded. “Thanks, Starlight, that sounds likereallyunhealthy life advice, but it’s exactly what I wanted to hear, so I’ve decided to agree with it.”

This is why I adore their dynamic.

Starlight nodded. “First we need to find a pony to cast Ward of Omen’s sight-beyond-sight spell on.”

I get it!

“No, no, no!” Starlight replied shaking her head. “I’m not going to cast it on one of us! I mean…Hah!How psychotic would that be? We’ll find a blind pony who we’re far less emotionally invested in and cast it onthemso they can read the message and we won’t be the ones to potentially go insane!”

I see.

“Oh, that makes more sense,” Trixie said with an agreeing nod. “However, I can only think ofoneblind pony… and she’s not really fitting for times of the year other than Hearth’s Warming… also, she’s very dead.”

That is a fair point.

“Oh! Heya, Trix,” Vinyl replied. “How’s tricks?”

For kids.

“Whoa, whoa, whoa!” Vinyl replied as she shuffled back a few steps. “Are you a nark?!”

What?

“HAH! You got me there!” Vinyl shook her head. “After that night in Las Pegasus with your pops, that bucket of E,allthat ketamine, and the jefferys we smoked, anyone who hangs out with you has gotta be cool by proxy.”

I'm increasingly confused and alarmed.

“Shh!”Trixie hissed out harshly from behind a forehoof. “What goes on in Las Pegasusstaysin Las Pegasus.” Trixie sniffled slightly. “Like my dad…”

You, need a hug there Trixie?

“Yeah, yeah,” Starlight said in an unamused tone. “We’re all super impressed by you living life on a particularly debauched edge.”

I love how Starlight's inherited Twilight's snark.

Starlight swatted at Vinyl a few times. “Oh, just go away! Go find a therapist or something to fix your crazy! And mention my name! You’ll get a group discount that way.”

... I don't doubt that.

Trixie nodded. “Trixie’s body is ready, but I suspect things will not improve.”

I suspect you're right.

“She’s not blind!”

Yet.

Trixie let out a short, loud laugh. “Are you kidding? This is pretty much an average Tuesday for Vinyl!”

...

“Okay then… Oh!” Starlight looked over her shoulder. “Remember this is somethingTwilightwrote, so grab sensible items only!”

This is not going to end well.

Five Bits says Twilight just wanted some sweet peaches. Also that either the ending or the sequel to this features an unreasonably upset Applejack.

8956017
....what irony? *reads first few paragraphs* Oooooooh...heheh.

This is going to end in at least one pony ascending to draconequushood. My money's on Vinyl.

“I think it says ‘smeet pichies’,” Trixie suggested as she averted her gaze from the index card held aloft in an electric blue glow.

Starlight’s frustrated grimace only deepened. “What the living crap is ‘smeet pichies’?!”

Sweet pickles, obviously. Duh.

“Two, how do you know Twilight even has secret magic experiments she doesn’t want anypony to find out about?”

Starlight chuckled. “Well, if she wanted anypony to find out about them, we’d know about them, wouldn’t we?”

The absence of evidence is not the evidence of absence! :pinkiecrazy:

“Twilight must be wondering how a friend would handle this situation…”

“Teleport back and ask a friend, like Twilight Sparkle, what she meant?” Trixie suggested. “It would take like… 30 seconds. A minute tops.”

When TRIXIE is the voice of reason, things are about to go desperately out of control.

“Well, you certainly spend more time with her, but I spend more time secretly reading her journals, notes for various things, and mail that’s sent to her… Not to mention sifting through her garbage and shouting things about how spankable her flank is and how her hooves are just begging to be feather tickled.”

GAAAH! :twilightoops: RESTRAINING ORDER, RESTRAINING ORDER!!

“First we need to find a pony to cast Ward of Omen’s sight-beyond-sight spell on.”

Or a manticore...

Starlight quickly scanned the isles of the store and pointed with a forehoof. “Oh, what about her? She looks blind enough!”

Starlight Glimmer, you are a horrible pony.

“Allow me,” Trixie said as she motioned to herself. She cleared her throat. “Dubstep is for pussies!” she exclaimed.

Ouch!

“Uh, yeah, sure,” Vinyl said, “name it!” She took a moment to take a couple cough syrup bottles, one orange, the other purple, in her magic and looked back and forth between them as she floated them up and down. “But first… do you think they sell these in gallon jugs?”

Oh god, Vinyl's cooking meth.

“Cast the spell already! We’ve got ice cream waiting in that shopping cart!”

Okay, who's pregnant?

Ri2

Who's the blind pony from Hearth's Warming Vinyl was talking about?

Also, this looks to be great.

Starlight and Trixie grab only nonsensical things

Standard you then.

“My cabbages!” went the distressed stocker as the aforementioned fell backward into his display.

I get it,

Starlight turned and shot a glare at the new arrival. “That depends, does this store carry knife powder?!”

What?

“Woo-hoo!”Trixie’s voice rang from elsewhere in the store. “Trixie found the whips, hoof-cuffs, and ball-gags in the ‘gently-used’ bin! ”

DAMMIT TRIXIE!

“Well Trixie doesn’t actually have a compelling counterargument!”Trixie exclaimed.“She just thought yelling would solve her problem!”

So Tumblr.

“Okay, well where does common sense fit in there?” Trixie asked.

Starlight blew a dismissive gust of air. “In thegarbagewhere it belongs is the answer tothatquestion!”

That explains so much.

Starlight chuckled. “I thought they would really raise spirits around the castle!”

No.

Trixie held up a forehoof to stop Starlight. “Trixie also doesn’t care.”

Accurate.

“You forgot Grubber!” Trixie exclaimed.

“… Who?!” Starlight replied in confusion.

And that si how superfluous he was to the movie.

Starlight smiled and smacked her lips. “Nope! I have a better idea!”

This is going to end poorly.

“Ma’am! I pride myself on stocking my store with everything the ponies of Ponyville might need!”

“Woo-hoo!” Trixie’s voice rang from elsewhere in the store. “Trixie found the whips, hoof-cuffs, and ball-gags in the ‘gently-used’ bin! ”

:twilightoops:

Also, knife powder? Seriously? :facehoof:

Starlight squinted. “Some sort of wiggly… phallic… thing that smells like a burrito…”

Beanis in the morning, beanis in the evening, beanis at suppertime!

“Taco spray…

Sonata attractant and/or repellant

Cool wrap…

Now 20%...wrappier!

Ouija flakes…

T H E Y ' R E G R R R E A T . . .

tick acid…”

Kills even the most stubborn deer ticks.

“Emo Dip…”

...I got nothin'.

Trixie sighed, picked up a mostly empty bottle of beer and mostly empty jug of cough syrup and quickly quaffed their contents.

You're learning!

There is something seriously wrong with you.


.....
....... liked and faved
when's the next chapter due:facehoof:

8958138

And that si how superfluous he was to the movie.p

Mmhm. I felt they added him because they required by law to add a tedious "comedy" sidekick to the bad guy and did the most perfunctory job possible, without doing what pony is (well, has been in the past, not, unfortunately quite so good about in the last couple of seasons) good at and doing something different or clever with it,

Knife Powder. So a stiff breeze is the next thing to threaten Ponyville.

Knife.
Powder.
Knife powder.

And now you know the basics of CQC.

In any case, the hilarity continues. I didn't even know Beanis Inc. was exporting products to this worldline. Looking forward to the further misadventures of Tsunderixie, Starlight Alchemiter, and All The Drugs.

8958217
Emo Dip is clearly what to use when you want your chips to taste as bleak and meaningless as existence itself. (It's actually just plain hummus.)

A task so mundane there’s pretty much no way they can mess it up.

8959068
The knife powder reminded me of a weapon used in one of the sword of truth novels where as a means of striking at an invading army they crushed glass into a powder, magically refined it, and then used a combination of wind magic and spreading it across the battle line to cause most of the frontline of the invading army to either go blind or cough up their lungs depending on wether they inhaled it or got it in their eyes. Basically the effects of fiberglass dust amped up to 11. As for knife powder in general your guess is as good as mine on that one.

Ri2

8959308
Ugh. Sword of Truth. Once upon a time, I thought those books were cool. I regret those days.

No joke, I actually wrote "Smeet pichies" on a piece of paper to try and figure it out. So far, I'm stumped.

8959537
I wouldn't spend much time on it. Honestly, like many things in this particular story, it's more incredibly obscure reference than anything else.

8959511
I still think it’s a decent series, but after the third or fourth time this exchange came up:

Richard-“This is what’s happening.”
Any other person-“That is impossible, you don’t know enough, give up on this lead.”

Several chapters later

Previous other person-“Oh god Richard was 100% right! Now everyone not in the main cast is dead and on fire!”

I came to the conclusion it was starting to drag. Dalton is still in my top 10 villains though.

Ri2

8959818
And then there was every woman constantly being threatened by or actually getting raped, the increasingly blatant objectivism, Richard's interminally long rants, the rising number of atrocities they justified by claiming they're the good guys and the other guys aren't, the Gollum knockoff, oh, and lest we forget...THE EVIL CHICKEN.

Which one was Dalton again?

“Well, you certainly spend more time with her, but I spend more time secretly reading her journals, notes for various things, and mail that’s sent to her… Not to mention sifting through her garbage and shouting things about how spankable her flank is and how her hooves are just begging to be feather tickled.”

First, the offscreen Sirens snuggle/threeway, now this? You're a tease, ya know that?

8959825
Minister of culture to Anderith. Only thing I liked about the book Soul of The Fire.

Ri2

8959948
Oh yeah, that guy. I liked him. He got a raw deal. Also, his country totally wasn't thinly-veiled anti-semitism and Holocaust denial.

Trixie frowned. “Well, you certainly spend more time with her, but I spend more time secretly reading her journals, notes for various things, and mail that’s sent to her… Not to mention sifting through her garbage and shouting things about how spankable her flank is and how her hooves are just begging to be feather tickled.” Trixie grunted in displeasure and stared at the tiled floor. “Things she mostly doesn’t see or hear because she’s too busy reading, preparing for classes, or ‘not being a creeper’ as Spike puts it.” Sighing heavily, Trixie starred up wistfully at the ceiling. “Why don’t you notice my hate for you, Twilight?”

Nice reference to “home again, home again, jiggity jig”

Vinyl may be All The Drugs, but I want to know what Starlight is on.

Have I said how much I love your writing style and sense of humor?! Because I do! I really do!:rainbowlaugh:
Great job!:pinkiehappy:

I can't wait to see where this is going.

“I mean… that’s gotta be at least partial friendship credit!”

Friendship with Trixie: 15 points
Ruining store with Trixie: -84 points
Angry make-up sex with Trixie: 69 points
Confessing today’s sins to Twilight: pointless

Not everything has to count toward a goal. But for those big accomplishments, there’s Mastercard.

You know you need to reevaluate your life when both Trixie and Discord are better metrics for normalcy.

Starlight smirked at Trixie and shook her head. “Trixie, Trixie, Trixie… There are basic tricks that even ancient unicorn wizards have understood in these situations.”

Excuse me?

“If you’re stuck with a problem you can’t solve, shove it into another dimension until a solution arrives or you forget about it!” Starlight exclaimed, then shook her head. “Twilight can’t get upset if we left off an item due to unforeseen—but natural—weather phenomena!” Starlight continued as she tapped the side of her head in a ‘think, think’ manner, her smug smile remaining.

...

Trixie frowned slightly. “No, no, you’re right… I would probably shunt an entire store into another dimension if I was able and in a mood.”

I believe that.

Heeeeey, what the actual eff?!” a female’s voice called out, or more accurately, pondered in a vexed tone.

“Crap! It’s Tree Hugger!” Vinyl dove into the mess of bottles and boxes in her cart. “For Kids! Hide me!”

That answer your question, Vinyl?

Trixie put on a manic grin. “Honestly? Trixie thrives on conflict! Without a constant stream of ponies stressing out around me, I feel empty. And knowing I’ve helped cause the stress gives Trixie life!”

You are amazing.

“I love you, too,” Trixie said as she leaned forward and gave Starlight a light smooch on the lips.

Trixie is best pony.

Starlight smiled. “Yes! Much! I can finally think straight.” She frowned. “A thought occurs that I’m pretty hosed here.”

Doesn't sound too different from your usual state.

Trixie clenched her eyes shut and smiled wide as she suddenly shivered from horn to hooves. “Good!” she replied as she resumed following Starlight.

You are a frightening individual.

So, Inconvenient Trixie is canon in this ‘verse?

Trixie is half Changeling now. Another fun chapter, great job!:moustache:

Trixie put on a manic grin. “Honestly? Trixie thrives on conflict! Without a constant stream of ponies stressing out around me, I feel empty. And knowing I’ve helped cause the stress gives Trixie life!”

This explains so much...

In any case, the spell's called Star Swirl's Universal Solution for a reason. After all, booting it out of the universe does count as a solution! Now to see how Twilight reacts to this transcendent failure...

Trixie narrowed her eyes. “ Stop using smart words to justify being stupid! Trixie knows you are LITERALLY the cause for all of these!”

"Stop using smart words to justify being stupid"... there's a phrase I'll have to hang on to. You put it quite succinctly.

Also, just to point it out:

Starlight and Trixie turned as the light green earth pony mare trotted up. She wore a yellow banana with a design of daisies over her mop of reddish burnt orange dreadlocks as well as a slightly glazed over look on her lilac-colored eyes.

A yellow banana? Either this is redundant (since bananas are usually assumed to be yellow unless otherwise specified) or a hilarious spelling error. I'd like to see Tree Hugger wearing a banana, in place of (or in addition to) her usual bandana.

Really hoping “smeet pichies” is the name of a new brand of cereal or something. I think that would send Starlight into a supernova of rage.

Jeez... I would have just given Starlight some Abraxo or something when she asked for "Knife Powder". Then again, I'm also the guy who'd already be dead or insane because I'm enough of a "good sport" to let crazy girls experiment on me sometimes (typically because I've grossly underestimated their harm potential). Word to the wise: do NOT let an individual not actually trained in the art to apply makeup to your face. They will tell you AFTER the fact that they are incapable of coordinating the motions because applying it to their own faces is enough of a struggle and for you they'll have to reverse the motions and learn how to gauge distance and pressure applied to something that is not themselves.

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