• Member Since 10th Sep, 2013
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Justice3442


Horrifically Fun

T

Pinkie wants Starlight and Maud to enjoy brunch with her. An idea that Starlight dismisses out of hoof. Too bad Pinkie won’t take ‘no’ for an answer.

Inspired by a conversation and helped along with Tired Old Man!

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 60 )

Okay, story checklist time.
Justice3442...check.
Pinkie...check.
Comedy tag...check.
Random tag...check.
Slice of Life...check.
Sex tag...check.

...yup, I knew exactly what I was getting into. WTFs all around. I definitely enjoyed this.

Some mistakes near the beginning, also Maud's sex jokes changed the tone so quickly I got whiplash, but damn if this wasn't the most entertainingly hilarious thing I've read in a while! And so quickly after the new episode, too! Excellent work! XD

Im only commenting on that cover: holy DANG Pinkie what happened to you? top stupid face of 2017 lol

Starlight groaned. “Okay, well why am I in bed with Maud, then?! Do you know how jealous this would make Trixie?”

She can learn to share.

“We’re not,” Starlight said, “But Trixie… Trixie is a very clingy Pony.”

Ah.

“Honestly, if she thought I was just sleeping around with random ponies I just befriended, no offense Maud—”
“None taken.”
“—she’d wonder why she wasn’t top of the list!”

Of course she would.

“Should I go find Trixie and bring her here? I mean… I don’t have a rock name for her…”
“Flinty,” Maud suggested. “Or ‘sand dune’ if you use her last name.”

Flinty is a bit of a stretch.

Maud turned towards Maud.

Uh, how?

Maud nodded. “We used to work together.”
“Huh… Small world,” Starlight quipped.

Indeed.

Pinkie narrowed her eyes at Starlight. “Is that so, Ms. Equalizer?”

She has you there.

Pinkie narrowed her eyes slightly. “You mean like a dozen bland muffins someone cooked up without their cutie mark, disgusting?”
Starlight threw her forehooves up into the air. “Okay! I get it! I was a terrible pony who did terrible crimes.”
Pinkie scowled at Starlight. “Not just any crimes! Food crimes, Starlight.” Pinkie leaned in closer to Starlight. “Food crimes…” she whispered darkly.

... I'd say you need therapy, but no therapist in their right mind would take you on.

"Set your boundaries on shifting sands.”
"...What?"
"It's an expression. Expect them to change every day."

I see.

Starlight guffawed. “Like what? I’m going to wake up to the top of a giant strawberry-mushroom-and-egg cupcake in bed next to me as it oozes gross filling over everything?”

If Pinkie ropes Discord into this, most likely.

“Ugggghhhhh…. NO!” Starlight shouted. “And ‘no’ to any of your terrible cupcake ideas either!”

I do not like green eggs and ham, I do not like them, Sam I Am. I would not like them here or there, I would not like them ANYWHERE.

“Where are the other customers?! Or like… The ponies that actually work here?!”
“Oh, I knocked out the other customers and employees and locked them in my fungeon!”

You, what?

“Uh-huh!” Pinkie said. “Fun-dungeon! It’s a play on words!”

I gathered, yes.

The unicorn mare turned towards the Pegasus. “Dandy has a point, Bliss. I mean… Ignoring the dozens of posters on the wall asking us to ‘Smile!’ and the fact we can’t leave, this place seems perfectly safe. And it’s full of such cute cuddly animals!”

You make a valid point.

“No,” Wallow replied, “Bugcat kinda made a mess in there.”
I MADE A DOODY!

Delightful.

"Come on, girls!” Pinkie continued with a huge smile. “I’m making orange jello paprika hash browns! They're, uh..."
"An affront to my palate?" Starlight offered.
"Inedible?" Maud suggested.
"Better than whatever this café was going to give you by a million gajillion percent!" Pinkie declared.

Whatever helps you sleep at night.

Pinkie’s lower lip began to quiver. “But… but… I got all the ingredients for maple-mustard cabbage baked cupcakes!” she whined.

Pinkie, I'm sure they're edible, but you have to understand how utterly disgusting that sounds.

What?” Starlight exclaimed. “It’s not like Pinkie can kidnap and imprison all of Ponyville!”
Maud said nothing.
“… I mean… she can’t, right?”

You clearly have no clue of how truly powerful she is.

“No, she wouldn’t,” Maud said as she tapped Starlight on the shoulder and pointed towards a restaurant that was completely engulfed in flames. Pinkie standing innocently in front of it with a rectangular metal red canister.

Goddammit Pinkie.

Uh-huh!” Pinkie said cheerfully. “Why do you think I made an ‘I’m sorry’ stamp for all my cakes, silly?!” Pinkie shook her head. “No one ever presses charges because they had too much fun in my Fungeon! I just pay for the damages, give them a few ‘I’m sorry’ cakes, and everything is honkey-dory!” she said with a massive grin.

“… Seriously?” Starlight asked.
Pinkie giggled. “As serious as I can be!”

Oh my Celestia.

Pinkie grinned widely. “You ever lose a bit to a couch cushion and wonder where it went?”
“Well, kind of,” Starlight answered, “but…” Her eyes shot open wide in disbelief. “Noooo…”
Pinkie grinned from ear to ear. “Yes!”

Oh my Celestia and Luna.

“It was stormy, so the papers I was cataloguing rocks on kept blowing away. Boulder helped me weigh them down.”

Well, for someone who cares as much about rocks as Maud does, that, makes a certain amount of sense.

"I'm sorry, kitchen. I know I helped make you, but now I must unmake you,” Pinkie exclaimed as she emptied a translucent liquid from her red canister all over all over a crystalline kitchen counter. “Drastic times call for drastic measures, crystal kitchen!” Pinkie tossed the canister off into the kitchen causing a cacophonous sound of breaking glass and banging metal. She produced a gold lighter from her curly mane, lit a flame, and lowered the lighter to the liquid were a fire ball ‘wooshed’ to life. “Your sacrifice today will never be forgotten!” Pinkie declared. She closed the lighter and put it back in her mane then pulled out a set of bagpipes where she proceeded to play ‘Amazing Grace’.

... What the fuck?!

Dang it!” Starlight cried throwing her forelegs up in the air. “Why does my life have to be so ironic!”

Because your pain is funny!

Pinkie giggled. “Would you like them here or th… Wait, what?” she cried in surprise.

Nice try, Pie, but I already made that joke.

Pinkie put on a pout. “But I had this whole thing ready!” she whined. “With rhyming and everything! I mean… I had to borrow a boat, someone’s goat… I was going to get Rainbow Dash to make it rain. I hijacked a train…”

All for the sake of a Dr Seuss joke?

"... I detest the fact that I liked that,” Starlight uttered.

You have moments like that.

Maud nodded. “I felt the exact same way the first time I tried anal.”

Whoops! Hehe,” Pinkie said. “Sounds like that went down the wrong hole!”
“… Too easy,” Maud commented.

Agreed.

Starlight coughed again and thumped her chest. “What the heck, you two?! Can’t a girl eat her green tea flavored eggs and hash brown cupcakes without things getting weird?”

You realize what you just asked, right?

“Ugh, whatever…” Starlight said as she took a bite out of the cupcake, cringing as she chewed and swallowed. “That was completely bizarre and sort of painful and somehow I found myself enjoying it.”
Maud nodded. “I felt the exact same way the first time I tried BDS—”
Maud!” Starlight snapped. “Not another word!”
“—M,” Maud finished.

Technically, that was a letter.

“Oh, noooo!” Princess Celestia wailed unconvincingly as she took a cake cutter in a canary yellow glow and sliced off a heaping portion of a neon green cake with a red outline of a sad pony stamped on the top. “I seem to have been trapped in a fungeon again! I’m going to miss alllll my boring meetings for the day!” she moaned with a smile and an eyeroll. She served herself up a slice of cake and floated over a fork. “Oh whatever shall I do?!”

You could at least pretend to be sad.

8132611

Got that error. Thanks and thanks for reading! :twilightsmile:

‘Mr. Bean's Magic Café’

Sometimes I wonder how I make one remark about the episode, then a day later you write something like this.

Six or seven or so instances of this situation later, I've learned to stop wondering and accept that's just a thing you do.

...Okay, seriously: what drugs are you using when you come up with such batshit insane and completely hilarious story ideas, and where can I get some?

"... I detest the fact that I liked that,” Starlight uttered.

“YES!” Pinkie said pumping her hoof into the air.

Starlight shook her head. “That was the weirdest, strangest thing I’ve ever put into me and somehow I enjoyed every second of it and I kind of hate myself for it.”

Maud nodded. “I felt the exact same way the first time I tried anal.”

*SPITTAKE*

Starlight began to cough and sputter.

“Whoops! Hehe,” Pinkie said. “Sounds like that went down the wrong hole!”

“… Too easy,” Maud commented.

:facehoof::ajbemused:

“Ugh, whatever…” Starlight said as she took a bite out of the cupcake, cringing as she chewed and swallowed. “That was completely bizarre and sort of painful and somehow I found myself enjoying it.”

Maud nodded. “I felt the exact same way the first time I tried BDS—”

“Maud!” Starlight snapped. “Not another word!”

“—M,” Maud finished.

Starlight let out a growl.

....

I give up. _-_

Twilight, diamond and some quartz are carbon-based and can burn like anything else made of carbon.

man.. ur just pumping these out lately O.o

Starlight shook her head. “I can’t believe you’re causing all of this damage and destruction and no pony is even going to punish you for it!”

I love you Starlight but...yeah.

“Oh, noooo!” Princess Celestia wailed unconvincingly as she took a cake cutter in a canary yellow glow and sliced off a heaping portion of a neon green cake with a red outline of a sad pony stamped on the top. “I seem to have been trapped in a fungeon again! I’m going to miss alllll my boring meetings for the day!” she moaned with a smile and an eyeroll. She served herself up a slice of cake and floated over a fork. “Oh whatever shall I do?!”

I can see all of this happening far, far too clearly. But especially that last paragraph. Well done!

:pinkiecrazy: If there's anyone out there who thinks they've seen it all, just show 'em this lovely little twisted gem.

Question: If it's a fungeon then does it contain bags of Funyons? I need to know for.... reasons.

I can't believe it took me until almost the end to realize that I was reading fucking Green Eggs and Ham.

8134284

Would you read it in a box?
Could you read it with a fox?
In the rain?
Or on the train?
You see my friend
It's not in vain!

You may like it.
You will see.
You may like it
In a tree?

And somehow, the only question I have is: Why does Spike care if the castle is sweltering? He's a dragon.

A wonderfully entertaining story. Though Pinkie Pie is beginning to scare me.

You know if she really wanted to win, Starlight should have just locked herself in the fungeon. Then Pinkie couldn't burn it down, because that's where the arson and kidnap victims are being stored and if she can't pacify them, then she's definitely going to end up in another sort of prison.

Let me get this straight! Limestone's a sadist, Marble's a masochist, Maud's into rocks and Eroticism, and Pinkie's a perv?

Dear Starlight Glimmer,

I regret to inform you that you have been given an extremely deadly poison that is said to be exceptionally slow and painful. The antidote has been mixed into one of the dishes that Pinkie Pie is serving at brunch, which starts at 11AM sharp. For every 5 minutes you are late, she will consume one dish at random. So you have to ask yourself now, do you feel hungry, or lucky?

Signed,
Pin Jig An anonymous third party

Any way we can get Maud trying anal and BDSM?

Maude's sex jokes made a surprising amount of sense, and the first one caught me off guard. Had I been drinking water that may have been a spit take. Much like her comments about the right rocks letting you rule Equestria, you can never be quite sure that she's serious. With the rocks one, she probably was, though, so...

Random suggestion:

"It's an expression. Expect them to change every day."

It would sound more Maude-like imho if you removed the second sentence. Maude sometimes has trouble telling when people don't follow her logic.

“We’re not,” Starlight said, “But Trixie… Trixie is a very clingy Pony.” Starlight shook her head. “Honestly, if she thought I was just sleeping around with random ponies I just befriended, no offense Maud—”

“None taken.”

“—she’d wonder why she wasn’t top of the list!”

I like the idea that Trixie would object to being left out, regardless of whether her sexual orientation matched the scenario.

“Just… just…” Twilight motioned towards the kitchen. “How does she manage to get crystal to burn, Spike?!”

*Maude voice* "Inclusions of phosphorous." *Pause for stares.* "It's a type of rock that burns."

Sooooo....How do I get stuck on Pinkie's Fungeon? Not that I would want to:twilightblush:...but it would be nice to know exactly, in detail, what I would need to do.:scootangel:

"You Haven't Lived Until You've Tried Her Hot Picante Sauce and Pecan Pie Cupcakes!"

Only because that which has died can be said to have lived.

“Pinkie!” snapped Starlight. “You can’t just kidnap ponies!”


More like promising, "I can make all of your life's problems go away if you just ditch that piece of your soul shining on your butt."

Maud spoke up. “I enjoyed the muffins of Starlight’s village.”


Why am I surprised? Why?

fungeon

Maybe it's made of fudge?

“Excuse you, Ms. Sourpuss, but at least my fungeon is slightly less brain-washy and a lot more fun than that cramped room you stuffed me and our friends into!”


It's just a DIFFERENT kind of brainwashing.

“Bugcat kinda made a mess in there.”

Bugcat?


Pinkie Pie is more season 1 bonkers than usual.

This reminds of the time Twilight locked ponies in her lecture hall.

The animators made a boo boo, Fluttershy in one scene looks like she's shoved on, rather than walks on.


Forget muffins, after this, Pinkie Pie DESERVES to have a full course equalized meal!



“I seem to have been trapped in a fungeon again! I’m going to miss alllll my boring meetings for the day!” she moaned with a smile and an eyeroll. She served herself up a slice of cake and floated over a fork. “Oh whatever shall I do?!”

And this is the result of that:

Princess Blueblood, "And as the new ruler of Equestria..."

Seems like pinkie owes starlight a few now

8145523 Bravest Warriors is a Canadian-American animated web series created by Pendleton Ward, the creator of Adventure Time, and directed by Breehn Burns. The series is produced by Frederator Studios for their Cartoon Hangover YouTube channel. Fred Seibert, Burns, and Will McRobb and Chris Viscardi are the show's executive producers.

Set in the year 3085, the series follows four teenage heroes-for-hire as they warp through the universe to save adorable aliens and their worlds using the power of their emotions.

8183879
"Set in the year 3085, the series follows four teenage heroes-for-hire as they warp through the universe to save adorable aliens and their worlds using the power of their emotions."

I almost said "that sounds like a terribly shitty concept for a show", but then I remembered that I'm on an MLP site.

8133082
Diamonds do indeed burn quite nicely, but there's no such thing as a carbon based quartz. Quartz is by definition principally made of silicon dioxide, and silicon dioxide has already been burned to hell and gone. I mean, it'll burn in the presence of fluorine, but so will everything other than helium and neon so I don't think that counts.

Wow ... so Pinkie's kinda super insane about forcing people to do what she wants them too. At least where friends of her family are involved. I kinda knew it, but thankfully the fungeon puts off any legal trouble. At least outside Manehatten.

8238773
There are some composite quartz that naturally occur that contain carbon, or have carbon in them. Not lots, but yeah. Normal quartz is one part silicon, and two parts oxygen and silicon dioxide.

8384032
Well, yeah. But I wouldn't call it carbon-based, and if it were in sufficient quantities to sustain anything you could call burning there would be enough to make it a different mineral with a different crystalline structure.

8384050
True. I mean quartz can melt, and if fire hit the bubbles / inclusions, then maybe. But yep. True quartz doesn't burn, and if it did, it'd be a different crystalline structure.

Comment posted by Starlight Glimmer1 deleted Sep 24th, 2017

Pinkie!” snapped Starlight. “You can’t just kidnap ponies!”

Pinkie narrowed her eyes at Starlight. “Is that so, Ms. Equalizer?”

Starlight’s right eye twitched. “Alright, you got me on that one, but now we’re even!”

Okay the problem with that exchange is that Starlight never kidnapped anypony.

Starlight frowned. “So… I should just put up with Pinkie breaking into my room and whisking me away when it suits her whim?”

No, no. No you should not. She needs to learn to not break into anypony’s room period.

8446361
She captured the mane six and held them in a brainwash room for a couple days. Even if we call that "imprisoning many ponies against their will", the point is Starlight doesn't have much of a hoof to stand on morally.

8448539
The point is that Pinkie can’t hold kidnapping against Starlight because Starlight didn’t kidnap anyone. The fact is that Mane 6 willingly went to Starlight’s village and locking them in a room is the closest she came to kidnapping. Honestly most of what Starlight did was likely only morally wrong whereas everything Pinkie did here is legally wrong. So really Starlight has more of a leg to stand on then Pinkie in that regard.

8448564
She ripped off their cutie marks then imprisoned them inside a room for two days. They only got out when they made an attempt expose Starlight as a fraud. WHERE this happened shouldn't matter. Even disregarding the fact that this story is marked as [random][comedy] and not really meant to be taken that seriously, I find it troubling that anyone would consider Starlight having an iota of justification, legally or morally, for anything she did outside her own misguided attempts at bettering society.

Edit: I mean, if your problem is with Pinkie's behavior, a much BETTER thing to point out would be that Starlight's past wrongs shouldn't be justification for Pinkie's current wrongs. I certainly didn't write this with the intention that people should assume what Pinkie is doing is RIGHT.

8448781
I’m really starting to doubt your knowledge on kidnapping but I don’t care because you just blew your chances of me taking you seriously on this subject.

8448828
Sweet! Thanks for cutting short what I thought was going to be a long and increasingly pointless conversation about the merits of kidnapping vs. imprisonment and brainwashing! Enjoy your self-proclaimed internet victory!

8448842
I want to apologize on behalf of starlight glimmer fans, not all of us are whiny jerk about detail and confusing things (I imagine Starlight to be glad she avoided all that mess with journal cause she realize she either going to be hated and defended) and i approve the way you handle said argument. well done.

You do know that what Starlight did was justified. The Mane 6 were threatening to destroy what Starlight thought was the right thing to do. From her point of view, they are a danger to the village. It's all a matter of perspective.

I see it as no worse then stuff the Mane 6 are guilty of. Like sabotaging a certain weather factory because her pet was sleepy. Or brainwashing three young ponies (then the town) because they were late with a lesson. Or cloning yourself multiple times because you don't want to miss out on any fun, resulting in widespread chaos and destruction. Or committing bodily harm in the name if prank ing somepony.

Seriously, the Mane 6 have caused more problems than Starlight ever did.



Sorry, you just don't have a leg to stand on.

In this story, Starlight imprisoned the Mane 6 because they were a threat to the village. Here Pinkie kidnapped them because Starlight wouldn't try her gross cupcakes. Starlight has way more of a leg to stand on than Pinkie.

One thing about this that amuses me is that the basic outline of the plot actually feels like an episode of the show. Specifically it feels like "A Friend..." with Pinkie stalking Cranky Doodle.... But even as it turns into your style of crack fic, it still largely parallels things I'd see on the show. Remember when it turned out Pinkie had a secret lair under Ponyville? It's only a hop skip and a jump from that to fun-geon.

Lots of good lines in this one but my favorite might be
“Dang it!” Starlight cried throwing her forelegs up in the air. “Why does my life have to be so ironic!”

reading this fic was like eating one of pinkie pies random cupcakes, it was made up of perfectly reasonable words that i never expected to go together but somehow came out to a reasonable and delicious whole. at first one is like "ohh cupcake, a delicious treat (reading their banter over starlight waking up in mauds bed) but then hearing the ingredients (realising pinkie is kidnapping people now?) antipicating how awful the combination surely must be (pinkie committing arson??) but then you eat the whole thing and despite those weird textures you find yourself enjoying the experience. especially maud's monotone sex jokes. XD

I have no words. Pinkie is a psycho. Maud has apparently done every act in the world, and Twilight is trying to solve the impossible riddles of pinkie pie logic. This is funny.

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