Starlight does not come clean
Pushing in a grocery cart full of items, Starlight Glimmer trudged into the foyer of Twilight’s large castle looking like an earth pony foal who had just been caught with its hoof stuck in the cookie jar. A rather specific look in the land of ponies because an earth pony had no reasonable way of grabbing a cookie from a jar and would realize jars where an utterly preposterous way to store cookies unless one was a unicorn or had prehensile wings. Likewise pushing a cart, in stark contrast to Starlight’s gloomy and irritated behavior, Trixie walked in looking like the pony who had stood and watched while laughing at the cookie-jar pony’s misfortune.
Twilight Sparkle, Spike, Tempest Shadow, and Grubber where already waiting inside, the group gathered around a disoriented Vinyl, in her odd pile of bottles, who was going on and on about worlds of shifting colors, disappearing buildings, and how it was kinda unfair filly’s and colts didn’t just let this one rabbit have some cereal.
“Twilight, Spike,” Starlight greeted, adding, “other pony who just kinda hangs out at the castle like she lives here…”
Tempest raised an eyebrow. “Seriously? You’re going there right out of the gate? To say nothing of your predicament, Trixie is standing right there.”
Trixie frowned. “Sorry Starlight, but Tempest has a point, for once.”
“What was that?!” Tempest growled as she opened up her eyes widely as a few angry sparks hissed out from her horn in Trixie’s direction.
Trixie worriedly eyed Tempest’s lightening maker and scooched closer to Starlight. “You should vet your ‘sick burns’ with me before saying them out loud.”
Starlight frowned. “But I’ve been working on that one for like a week!”
“Really?” Trixie said in surprise. “You really can’t tell…”
“Yeah, I’m also with Tempest on this one,” Spike informed. “Also, aren’t you forgetting someone?”
“Trixie?” Starlight replied in confusion. “She was with me!”
“Not her!” Spike cried.
Starlight scanned the ponies present once more. “… Twilight’s wings?”
Trixie smacked a forehoof against her face.
Twilight spoke up, “I don’t think that’s what Spike meant, Starlight.”
Starlight’s attention focused unto the hedgehog in the group who was impatiently tapping a foot on the ground.
“Ooooh, yeeeeeaaaaah… Hello… you!”
Trixie groaned.
Grubber narrowed his eyes. “You sthill don’t remember my name, do you?!”
“Of course I do! It’s uh… uh… Flubber!”
“It’s Grubber!” Trixie snapped. “We’ve been over this today, in fact.”
Tempest smirked. “Wow. Some friend you are.”
Grubber began to sniffle. “I… I can’t beliethe even after all this time you barely remember me.”
“…Me neither, to be honest,” Twilight chimed in.
Starlight pursed her into a tight frown. “Grubber, if I gave you some taco spray right now, would that make you feel better?”
Grubber inhaled as his face lit up. “And how!”
With an electric blue glow of her horn, Starlight fished out a spray-can labeled “TACO SPRAY!” with festive lettering a text and floated it over to Grubber. Grubber immediately began to spray the contents into his mouth.
“Whoa!” Vinyl chimed in from her piles of sophomoric and mind-altering substances. “You’re giving away free taco spray?! Hook me up!”
Starlight complied by handing out another can.
Trixie gave Starlight’s cart a scrutinizing look. “How many of those did you make?”
Starlight shrugged “Enough.” She turned towards Twilight. “Sooo… as you can see we brought back the groceries you wanted… and several more that didn’t exist until this morning.”
“I can see that,” Twilight said. “Er… Was it really necessary to bring the shopping carts… And teleport Vinyl here?”
Starlight swallowed. “Well… you see… there was an accident at the grocery store…”
Twilight nodded, “Yes, Vinyl had some rather interesting things to say about that.”
“That grocery store fell into an alternate dimension all on its own, I swear!” Starlight exclaimed.
All eyes suddenly fell on Starlight.
Trixie sighed and shook her head and turned back towards Twilight. “… Aaand, did you understand any of it?”
Twilight frowned. “Well, unless we’re really going to be invaded by the pony-eating frogmen of Omicron Persei 8, no!”
Trixie nodded. “I thought as much.”
Twilight looked at Starlight and raised an eyebrow. “What the heck happened to the store?!”
“Uhhh…” Starlight swallowed.
Trixie just chuckled and shook her head. “You’re your own worst enemy, Starlight Glimmer… too bad you’re also everypony else’s worst enemy too.”
Starlight sighed. “Look Twilight, the truth is… The truth is I had trouble reading one of the items you sent me out to get and…” She took a deep breath. “Rather than risk disappointing you, erm… well… One thing led to another, and before anypony knew it, the store was gone!”
Twilight and Spike glared at Starlight expectantly.
“Erm… because of a dimensional teleportation mishap…”
The double-glaring intensified.
“… That I am the direct cause of.”
Twilight’s expression softened. “There, was that so hard to admit?” she asked.
“Yes,” Starlight said. “So hard that I struggled to not also send you and Spike to another dimension rather than continue this conversation…”
Spike cringed.
Twilight just smiled. “Well, I’m glad you successfully conquered your urge to do that!”
Tempest found herself glaring daggers at Starlight. “Plus, if you did, I’d probably have killed you.”
Starlight smirked. “I’m confident there’s no problem that can’t be fixed through liberal use of dimensional portals…” Her eyes shot opened widely. “Wow, I really see why Star Swirl favors this tactic.” She frowned. “Too bad it couldn’t help me identify the last thing on the list!” Starlight lamented as she produced the singed piece of paper in an electric glow of her magic.
Twilight took the paper with her own magenta glow. “Well… I guess I was in a hurry when I wrote this considering all the fire…”
Spike nodded. “Yeah, there was an awful lot of that going around…”
Twilight looked at Starlight. “So, what did you think it said?”
“Smeet Pieches?” Starlight offered with a grin.
“What?!” Twilight replied. “Why would I write that?! That’s not even anything!”
Starlight thought for a moment. “In hindsight, I suppose we could have tried getting items that sounded like it… Like… sweet peaches…”
Twilight winced. “No! No peaches! I overindulged on peaches years ago and never want to eat them again.” She shook her head. “The stories I could tell…”
“Well, what was it then?” Trixie asked.
“Fire extinguishers!” Twilight informed.
Starlight and Trixie examined the list again, squinted, and tilted their heads slightly. “Oh, yeeeeaaaaah…” they uttered as Spike let out a belch that which engulfed a pair of green window drapes.
“Whoops, excuse me,” Spike said as Tempest and Grubber immediately set about taking down the banner and trying to stamp the fire out.
Starlight rubbed the back of her head. “Look Twilight… I’m… I’m really sorry that I over-reacted by teleporting a store full of ponies to another dimension. You must be disappointed in me,” she added dejectedly.
Twilight sighed as flashing otherworldly lights poured in from the newly exposed window, “Well, yeah I’m upset you shunted the store into another dimension, but I’m even more upset you didn’t think you could just come back and ask me what the last item was without me getting upset!”
Spike interjected. “Especially when it would have taken you like… 30 seconds… a minute tops.”
“That’s what I said!” Trixie griped.
Starlight grunted in protest. “But that would be too easy! I was going for advanced friendship points here!”
Tempest’s lips contorted as she mulled over Starlight’s response. “Well, that just sounds… crazy…”
“I also said that!”
Tempest glanced at Trixie. “And yet you did nothing to stop any of this!”
Trixie sat on her haunches and pointed to herself with a forehoof. “Trixie just likes saying ‘I told you so’s. I don’t actually want to have to do something about the trouble Starlight causes.”
Twilight let out an irritated growl. “I see there’s more than one pony in here whose behavior we need to address.”
Tempest raised an eyebrow. “Do you… do you all realize you sound insane? Starlight sent a grocery store to another dimension and we’re mostly focused on how she needs to be better at friendship!”
“Hey!” Twilight protested. “Friendship is important! Remember how it saved you?”
“Yes… and I also remembered participating in conquering, raiding, and subjugating! Learning a lesson is great and all that, but does just ‘becoming a good friend’ really just make up for all that?!”
Twilight thought for a moment then smiled. “Yes, Tempest…” Twilight assured as she patted Tempest on the shoulder. “Yes, it does. And as long as you continue to be a good friend, I’ll always be there for you!”
Tempest raised an eyebrow. “Twilight, I’m eternally grateful, but really think you and the other princesses need to have a long talk about the Equestrian justice system, or lack-there-of.”
Starlight cleared her throat. “Now, let’s not bicker and argue over who should be punished for this-or-that crime against Ponykind… the important thing is that I’ve learned a valuable lesson of about asking for help when I’m in over my head.”
Twilight smiled. “Well, that’s all anypony could ask for!”
“… I can think of quite a few other things,” Tempest said.
“Yeah!” Grubber piped up. “Like… Where are we gonna get food if the sthore is gone?!”
“Where will Vinyl get her brown party liquor?!” Vinyl exclaimed.
Trixie looked over at her friend. “You know you could maybe just buy wine and cider and ruin yourself like an adult, right?”
Vinyl glared back at Trixie. “Hey! Do I judge you for your dumpster diving for your Twilight ‘mane pile’?! No!”
“Wait, what?!” Twilight exclaimed.
“Trixie has an idea!” Trixie exclaimed. “Let’s all go back to talking about the bad, naughty stuff Starlight does!”
“Like maybe getting ponies hurt or killed?” Tempest chimed in. “I mean, as much as I don’t think we should just put a pin in this mane pile thing, I kinda agree that what happened to the store takes precedence.”
“Oh, that!” Starlight said. Sher shook her head. “Look… It’ll be back in a few days! And aside from a few encounters with abyss-horrors like Flesh-renders and Scalp-chewers, the ponies will be fine. Some might even have bonus appendages!”
“Uh, Starlight?” Spike interjected. “That doesn’t sound very ‘fine’ to me! In fact, Tempest might be right! Ponies could be in dang—”
A melodic voice wafted into the room from outside, seemingly permeating everything and everypony. The group all stopped what they were doing and listened intensely.
“What is that?!” Starlight cried as began to quiver uncomfortably in place.
“That’s gotta be Tree Hugger!” Vinyl said. “I’d know the sounds of ‘sonic bliss’ anywhere!”
“Well, It sounds like a bunch of squirrels being slowly murdered by a heavy rolling pin.”
“I know, right!” Grubber agreed excitedly. “But, like… in a good way!”
“… Really?” Starlight said.
Grubber smiled. “Hey, this music somehow speaths to my soul!”
“Hey!” Spike called out from the window that was now missing a drape. “Something’s happening outside!”
“The dimensions are re-aligning!” Twilight quipped as the psychedelic glow from outside abated.
“The sthore is coming back!” Grubber exclaimed.
“Yep!” Vinyl said. “Sweet, sweet savior of status-quo!
Tempest chimed in. “A thought occurs that any one of us could have been keeping an eye on Starlight from any number of windows in the castle…”
Trixie smiled widely. “And all the ponies in the store are fine!” She said as ponies began to pour out of the store. Some crying while others trotted out in a near cationic state and a few flung themselves onto the ground around the store and began to kiss it as if they had taken it for granted in the short time they had been away. “Mostly!” Trixie added.
“And because everything fixed itself,” Starlight began, “nopony has to be punished and we can drop this subject entirely!” She punctuated her statement with an excited “Yay!”
Twilight gave Starlight a knowing smirk. “Well… You still need to pick up some fire extinguishers.”
“Hah! You got me there!” She said happily. “Guess I can’t win for losing!”
“You just did…” Tempest commented. “You literally just did!”
“Haha! Nope!” Twilight said to Starlight at the two mares shared a quick embrace.
Tempest looked at Twilight and Starlight in bewilderment. “Really? That’s… that’s it? Reckless endangerment gets a hug and a told ‘try better next time’?!”
“I hear ya,” Spike said. “But you get used to it after a while.” He said with a shrug. Spike shook his head. “I mean… You shoulda saw what happened the last time somepony messed up Starlight’s hayburger order.” He chuckled to himself. “Sooo much ketchup pumped out of sooo many stomachs!”
Something behind Tempest’s eyes snapped. She took a deep breath, then let it out. “I’m just going to… I don’t know... Commandeer a zeppelin and tell everyone the Storm King is gone for a bit… I’ll be back… Uh… Whenever I feel I’ve put enough time in between myself in this event to interact with Starlight again without my mind immediately jumping to violence.”
“See! You’re getting it!” Spike said happily. “Have fun! Have Grubber send us postcards!”
Tempest smirked. “Will do! And showing up in places in the Storm King’s zeppelin is bound to freak everyone out, so fun won’t be a problem.” She looked at Grubber. “Come on, Grubber.”
“No! Don’t take my personal masseuse!” Trixie pleaded.
“Sorry, Trixie!” Grubber said. “Duty calls!” He looked up at Tempest. “Can I at leasth take as much Taco Spray as I can carry?”
Tempest sighed. “Oh, Grubber… Of course!”
Grubber pumped a fist into the air. “Yes!” he shouted before climbing up into and diving into Starlight’s cart. He came out with two arms full of spray cans and leapt out of the cart.
“Okay… Can we now grab some bandages and disinfectant?” Grubber asked. “I think I cut myselth pretty bad on some knife powder in there.
Tempest just chuckled knowingly. “We’ll see Grubber… We’ll see…”
“Why must Trixie suffer even though she did nothing wrong?! Whhhhhyyyyy?!”
Vinyl took a moment to look at the events around her. “So, uh… Can somepony like… teleport me home? Or like… Go tell Octi to bring a wheelbarrow for me? I pretty much have no idea what’s going on…”
The End
“No seriously… Put those big floating words in the sky away! I’m too wasted to know what’s going on and I wanna go home!”
The End!
“Awww… diss.”
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Somehow, references to "The Peachening" get me every time.
Sounds like what she'd do.
Ouch.
You know how to play him.
Not incorrect.
You have a horrifying mentality.
HAH!
Makes sense.
*sigh*
I like her.
...
*Nods head*
Ah, I see.
...
...
I have no idea what just happened.
Tempest should learn to live a little. She’d feel much better if she sacked a city or two and forced one of the inhabitants to draft an apology for her.
Unless that earth pony was Pinkie, who could either reach through the jar or simply command the cookies to exit it. Of course, you did say no reasonable way.
In any case, I feel kind of bad for Tempest. This is not a good universe for straight man characters. Sunset needs to teach her the ways of the rolled-up newspaper once she gets back from the Storm King's Dead world tour.
In any case, thank you for this.
I loved this. I really did.
Damn, I love your writing!
Another funny and great story! Awesome work!
Or about who killed who.
Awww... diss.
9164940
And Sunset needs to give Tempest a Training Montage. Like God Tiered.
This is a magnificently bizarre story. Straight onto my "WTF" bookshelf of Weirdly Twisted Fics. There were many lines I giggled helplessly at, such as the suggestion that Starlight's breakfast cereal of choice is Manifest-Os. I enjoyed this very much: thank you!
9185433
I think I see it. As written by a Twilight on fire:
fire extinguishers
[scribbled f does look like an s][scribbled cursive i and r can be an m] e [pen left paper and Twilight wasn't looking so missed a space] e [distracted Twilight missed the paper writing the x] t [pen went down instead of across to do the i and attempting the cross and/or dot closed the t into a p] [Twilight missed some letters while assuming any reader would follow her obvious to her logic that charred paper clearly means "fire extinguishers" no matter what's written on it]
smeet pichies
I'm willing to believe Spike would have gotten it if Twilight had left the paper blank, which proves to her that anypony else would.
Love the silly Trixie and Starlight shenanigans
Tempest makes a wonderful straightman character but lack the fortitude and rolled newspapers to endure Starlight's nonsense.
Good meta humor in this chapter.
Dude. I love how you brought Trix into this story! And every bit was excellent!
I was right! A joint made this story a lot better! Also, interesting to note that I'm not the only pony writer who often writes while intoxicated... Except I quit drinking and I smoke chronic instead, now...
I honestly have no idea what I just read