• Published 30th May 2018
  • 3,794 Views, 102 Comments

A Simple Errand - Justice3442

Starlight and Trixie go to the store to buy groceries. A task so mundane there’s pretty much no way they can mess it up.

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Starlight and Trixie mess up buying groceries

Two sets of eyes fixated on a single a point. A point, that if one squinted at quite hard and tilted their head one way then the next, might look to contain words scrawled out haphazardly on an index card that was slightly charred. The lilac pair of eyes was focused curiously on the words, shifting here and there quickly; the inquisitive orbs constantly attempting to see what was presumed to be letters from different angles as if a new perspective might unlock the hidden message. The deep amethyst eyes simply stared on with a deep frustration as if this mystery message had wronged the owner personally.

“I think it says ‘smeet pichies’,Trixie suggested as she averted her gaze from the index card held aloft in an electric blue glow.

Starlight’s frustrated grimace only deepened. “What the living crap is ‘smeet pichies’?!”

Trixie pondered this question for a moment then pointed at the index card. “It’s the thing that Twilight wants!”

Starlight let out a groan. “That’s not a helpful answer, Trixie!” She began cycling through the pile of cards held aloft with her magic. “I don’t get it… Not only are Twilight’s grocery lists usually super predictable, her writing is crazy legible! I mean, it pretty much puts typewriters to shame!” Starlight cycled back to the odd card out. “Yet, somehow she wrote down something completely garbled that also looks like it was on fire at some point…” Starlight thought about this for a moment. “Like… I don’t know… she was having a seizure while accidentally casting fire spells!” She let out a frustrated groan. “And I’m usually great with barely legible writing!”

Trixie took another glance at the list. “Yes, it does looks like that word or words found a ledge then jumped off it as soon it was able.”

Starlight let out a small groan and raised a forehoof to her forehead. “Trixie, let me be your friend… Don’t make it difficult!”

Trixie simply replied with a chuckle. “Alright, fine… Serious mode…” Trixie’s smile morphed into something a bit less jovial. “Serious mode activated.” She pursed her lips in concern. “Did Twilight seem alright to you when she gave you the list?”

Starlight shrugged. “Well, she wasn’t actively fire-spasming when she gave me the list if that’s what you’re asking! Her mane looked a little singed, though.”

Trixie raised an eyebrow. “And you didn’t think to ask her why?”

Starlight shrugged. “Hey! Twilight has her secret magical experiments she doesn’t want anypony to know about, I have mine.”

“One, they’re not secret if you let everyone know about them, Starlight,” Trixie quipped.

Starlight nodded, “That’s a good note.”

“Two, how do you know Twilight even has secret magic experiments she doesn’t want anypony to find out about?”

Starlight chuckled. “Well, if she wanted anypony to find out about them, we’d know about them, wouldn’t we?”

Trixie furrowed her brow at Starlight. “As always, your logic is impeccable, Starlight Glimmer.”

Starlight’s eyes lit up as a catlike smile crossed her face.

Trixie just sighed. “I know that look. That was a nice day in Ponyville mostly devoid of ponies screaming we were having today.”

“Logic! That’s it!”

—“No houses or streets on fire…”—

“Logically, Twilight wouldn’t give me a random item out of the blue like this unless…”

—“Hospital mostly empty.”—

“It’s a test… A friendship test!”

Trixie squinted at the index card. “You think Twilight would just test you out of the blue like this?”

“Why not?” Starlight said with a smile. “Opportunities to learn more about friendship don’t just happen in classrooms, you know.” Starlight thought for a moment. “In fact, they almost never happen in classrooms.”

Trixie gave Starlight a sour look. “Trixie still doesn’t understand why you’re proud of being Twilight’s friendship student.”

Starlight smiled. “I’m a graduated friendship student. Really, this is more like getting my master’s degree in Friendship Studies.”

Trixie’s face tightened. “Every word you just said made Trixie want to smack you in your stupid smug face.” She tilted her head slightly. “Now consider the source of that for a bit.”

If Starlight heard, she made no indication. Instead, her face was once again looking over the mysterious index card of mystery. “Twilight must be wondering how a friend would handle this situation…”

“Teleport back and ask a friend, like Twilight Sparkle, what she meant?” Trixie suggested. “It would take like… 30 seconds. A minute tops.”

Starlight hummed thoughtfully to herself. “No, no… that’d be too easy… This has got to be an advanced friendship field test of some sort…”

Or it’s just a note hurriedly written!” Trixie exclaimed. “And not a test at all!”

Starlight smirked at Trixie. “Whooo here knows Twilight better?”

Trixie frowned. “Well, you certainly spend more time with her, but I spend more time secretly reading her journals, notes for various things, and mail that’s sent to her… Not to mention sifting through her garbage and shouting things about how spankable her flank is and how her hooves are just begging to be feather tickled.” Trixie grunted in displeasure and stared at the tiled floor. “Things she mostly doesn’t see or hear because she’s too busy reading, preparing for classes, or ‘not being a creeper’ as Spike puts it.” Sighing heavily, Trixie starred up wistfully at the ceiling. “Why don’t you notice my hate for you, Twilight?”

Starlight patted Trixie’s shoulder. “I’m sure Twilight will notice and hateciprocate someday soon, Trixie. You just have to keep on riding that horse until she breaks under all the annoying things you do.” She frowned slightly. "Just make sure to let me know when she does; I want to be far, far away when that particular flood hits." Starlight paused and stared unseeing into the distance. "I don't want to be stuck with the mop up."

Trixie smiled at Starlight and nodded. “Thanks, Starlight, that sounds like really unhealthy life advice, but it’s exactly what I wanted to hear, so I’ve decided to agree with it.”

Starlight grinned. “That’s the spirit.” She held up the index card. “Now help me out with this!”

“For the record, I think asking Twilight is the smarter play, but your ideas are far more likely to irritate her, so sure, I’ll help.”

Starlight nodded. “First we need to find a pony to cast Ward of Omen’s sight-beyond-sight spell on.”

“…Trixie is unfamiliar with this spell… most spells, actually.”

“Now, Ward of Omen’s sight-beyond-sight spell, if you recall”—

“I do not. Trixie just explained this to you!”

— “works best if the target is blind! Otherwise, there’s a fair-to-middling chance that the target will go mad.”

Trixie frowned. “1,2, 3 not it!”

“No, no, no!” Starlight replied shaking her head. “I’m not going to cast it on one of us! I mean… Hah! How psychotic would that be? We’ll find a blind pony who we’re far less emotionally invested in and cast it on them so they can read the message and we won’t be the ones to potentially go insane!”

“Oh, that makes more sense,” Trixie said with an agreeing nod. “However, I can only think of one blind pony… and she’s not really fitting for times of the year other than Hearth’s Warming… also, she’s very dead.” Trixie pondered the issue a bit further. “Maybe we can find a nice, fiery-hot mustang for this spell.”

Starlight raised an eyebrow. “Does it have to be a hot mustang?”

Trixie shrugged. “Well, if he’s blind, I’d hope there was some trade off.”

Starlight quickly scanned the isles of the store and pointed with a forehoof. “Oh, what about her? She looks blind enough!”

Trixie followed Starlight’s hoof with her eyes, her face reflexively scrunched up when she saw who Starlight was pointing at. In this case, a unicorn mare white a white coat, two-tone electric blue mane and tail that looked like they were always partying if even the mare they were attached to was taking a short break. However, considering the mare was bobbing her head up and down and wearing headphones with a purple two-quarter note mark that matched her cutie mark and big black rimmed glasses with a dark purple tin to complete the ensemble, it seemed likely that ‘short break’ simply wasn’t in her vocabulary. “That’s Vinyl Scratch,” Trixie said dryly. “She played the music at your graduation party? She’s also visibly reading the labels on those cough syrup bottles.”

“Shoot… I just thought…. You know… with the glasses…”

“She wears those all the time,” Trixie informed. “Daytime, nighttime, outdoors, indoors, doesn’t matter to her.”

Starlight smiled at Trixie. “So, you’re telling me she’s most likely messed up her vision at this point.”

Trixie frowned. “Well… that’s not unlikely, but—”

Starlight nodded. “Good! I can work with that.” She trotted over to Vinyl, Trixie following close behind. “Hey, uh… Vinyl I need your help with something.”

Vinyl said nothing, instead opting to continue head bobbing and reading the labels of medicine in front of her.

“HELLLOOOO! VINYL SCRATCH!” Starlight yelled. “We’re talking to you!”

“Allow me,” Trixie said as she motioned to herself. She cleared her throat. “Dubstep is for pussies!” she exclaimed.

With a soft lilac flow, Vinyl’s headset was off in an instance. “Whoa… The eff?! Who said that?!” She demanded as she looked around. “Dubstep never dies!”

“Hello, Vinyl,” Trixie greeted.

“Oh! Heya, Trix,” Vinyl replied. “How’s tricks?”

Trixie once again motioned to herself. “The Grrrrrreat and Powerful Trrrrrrrrixie is doing quite well, thank you,” She motioned to Starlight, “but her lovely assistant here could use your help.”

“Uh, yeah, sure,” Vinyl said, “name it!” She took a moment to take a couple cough syrup bottles, one orange, the other purple, in her magic and looked back and forth between them as she floated them up and down. “But first… do you think they sell these in gallon jugs?”

With an electric glow of her horn, Starlight shot two rays of magic that hit both bottles. Both grew several times in size, as well as Vinyl’s pupils which became visible as her glasses nearly slid off her face. “Whoa-ho-ho! Now we’re talkin’!”

Starlight nodded. “Right, well… I just need to blast you with a spell that’ll let you perceive on a different plane of reality as your mental state ascends beyond the understanding of this world with its pitifully few dimensions.”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa!” Vinyl replied as she shuffled back a few steps. “Are you a nark?!”

“Me?!” Starlight scoffed. “A nark?!” she scoffed a couple more times for good measure. “I don’t even know the meaning of the word!” She turned to Trixie, buried her muzzle in the blue unicorn’s ear, and whispered, “Seriously… what’s a nark?”

Trixie just chuckled. “Vinyl, it’s me! Trixie! Do you really think I’d hang out with a nark after all the things you’ve seen me do?”

“HAH! You got me there!” Vinyl shook her head. “After that night in Las Pegasus with your pops, that bucket of E, all that ketamine, and the jefferys we smoked, anyone who hangs out with you has gotta be cool by proxy.”

“… The heck is a jeffery?!” Starlight exclaimed.

“Shh!” Trixie hissed out harshly from behind a forehoof. “What goes on in Las Pegasus stays in Las Pegasus.” Trixie sniffled slightly. “Like my dad…”

Starlight tossed a forehoof into the air. “I don’t need details! I just don’t know what a jeffery is! That’s not even a word!”

Trixie placed her forehooves on Starlight’s shoulders. “That’s not important!” She directed Starlight to face a Vinyl-ward direction. “What is important is you have a willing subject for your spell.”

“Yeeeaaah! Give me a hit of that magic carpet ride, baby!”

Starlight motioned towards Vinyl. “Is she always like this?”

“Yes,” Trixie replied. “Cast the spell already! We’ve got ice cream waiting in that shopping cart!”

“Okay, fine!” Starlight snapped. She refocused her attention on Vinyl. “Just to warn you, you might experience brief bouts of permanent madness.”

“Dude! You do not need to gild the lily here!” Vinyl said happily. She looked straight up presenting her chin to Starlight. “Hit me!”

“Alright, here it goes!” Starlight said as her horn glowed electric blue. “You might want to close your eyes.”

Vinyl glanced down. “Oh, cool magic color, by the way, bra!”


For a moment no pony said anything as the buzz of electrical energy seemingly swirled around Vinyl. Suddenly, a massive smile broke out across her face. “Wubba-lubba-dub-dub!” Vinyl exclaimed. “I can see forever!” she waved her a forehoof in front of her. “And forever is totes-mcgoats psychedelic!” She giggled to herself. “Just like being at the club!”

“Yeah, yeah,” Starlight said in an unamused tone. “We’re all super impressed by you living life on a particularly debauched edge.” Starlight held the index card in front of Vinyl’s face. “Can you tell us what this says?”

“Yeah, totally, dude!” With a soft lilac glow of her horn, Vinyl lifter her glasses and squinted at the card. “It says, ‘smeet pichies’!”

“Hah!” Trixie said smugly.

Starlight smacked a forehoof against her forehead. “There is no way it says ‘smeet pichies’! That’s not even a real word!”

“Of course not!” Trixie said. “It’s two not real words!”

Starlight groaned in displeasure. “What is it with you two and making up things?!”

Vinyl magically nudged her glasses back in place and nodded. “Well, maybe it doesn’t mean anything in this dimension, but you see… in the dimension of Wubs, it means something entirely different!”

Starlight let out a disgruntled grunt. “Like anything at all?!”

“See, they generally only speak through music—” Vinyl lifted her glasses with a forehoof and waggled her eyebrows at Starlight. “—and physical contact.”

“Well, can you come up with a better translation then?!” Starlight snapped.

Trixie rolled her eyes. “Starlight, you’re wasting your time! She’s just going to start ‘wubbing’ at you or—”

Vinyl leaned forward, stuck out her tongue all the way out, then dragged it up across Starlight’s face much to the purple unicorn’s surprise and displeasure.

“—uh, that…”

Vinyl smacked her lips. “Dude… you taste like cereal! Uh… like… uh… those colored loops with magic marshmallows… Manifest-Os!”

Starlight swatted at Vinyl a few times. “Oh, just go away! Go find a therapist or councilor to fix your crazy! And mention my name! You’ll get a group discount that way.”

“Alright, alright,” Vinyl said. Her horn glowed a soft lilac once more as she lifted the two giant bottles of cough syrup. “But I’m taking these pair of nice jugs with me!”

“Yes, fine! Just go!”

“Catcha later, For Kids!”

Trixie waved. “Bye, Silly Rabbit! Have fun!”

“Oh, you know I will!” Vinyl said as she walked directly into a shelf full of antihistamines that fell and formed a mound with her at the center. Her head popped out, her glasses hanging askew on her face. She looked around. “Hahaha… Oh man! My liver is gonna be maaaaaaaad at me tonight!”

Starlight let out a groan as she dragged both her forehooves down her face. “Okay, new plan!”

Trixie nodded. “Trixie’s body is ready, but I suspect things will not improve.”

“We both split up and grab whatever it is we think Twilight wrote down!” Starlight rubbed her forelegs together as a mischievous smile crossed her face. “Then I’ll graduate magna cum laude from Twilight’s School of Friendship Doctorate program for sure!”

Trixie rolled her eyes. “Now who’s making stuff up?”

Starlight shot Trixie a quick glare. “‘Magna cum laude’? That’s real!”

“That’s not what Trixie was talking about,” Trixie clarified.

“Look! Just grab some things and we’ll meet up here by the wasted blind pony!”

“She’s not blind!” Trixie exclaimed as she looked down at Vinyl as she began to enjoy the bounty of non-prescription medicine about her. “Well… Not currently, anyhow. Also, how do you know she won’t move?!”

Laying in a pile of non-prescription medicines and mouthwash, Vinyl held both cough medicine jugs over her mouth and let the orange and purple liquid pour into her mouth. “Gulp-gulp-All for Vinyl!” She said, cough medicine splashing onto her face. “Gulp-gulp-gulp-All for Vinyl!”

“Yeah,” Starlight said. “She’s not going anywhere…”

Trixie smirked and shrugged. “Fair enough! Meet you back here!” she said as she turned.

Starlight also turned and began to walk off. “You know you’re pretty blasé about your friend maybe OD’ing.”

Trixie let out a short, loud laugh. “Are you kidding? This is pretty much an average Tuesday for Vinyl!”

“Okay then… Oh!” Starlight looked over her shoulder. “Remember this is something Twilight wrote, so grab sensible items only!”