• Member Since 23rd Mar, 2016
  • offline last seen February 2nd

The Bricklayer


Slow down, you're doing fine, you can't be everything you want to be, before your time... -Vienna, The Stranger: Billy Joel. (Any Pronouns)

E
Source

It's been one year on the dot exactly since Rainbow first adopted Scootaloo, and Scootaloo intends to show her gratefulness towards the pegasus in spades. So, she gets the best idea ever, a cake from Sugarcube Corner! Trouble is, getting it home. How hard can it be?

(Wait, featured? How did this happen?)

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 28 )

Awww, great fic, a shame you had to leave out the blood relation thing, but I'll take it anyway. Its sweet, adorable, and just overall great. Thank you!

8922795
You're quite welcome. Was an absolute pleasure to write.

I didn't listen to the warnings. Didn't listen!:derpytongue2:

Short and sweet I like it!

8922872
Hey, that's how I like to do my oneshots.


8922856
Worth it though right?

8922918 Well, yeah of course. :rainbowdetermined2:

Stories rarely get me to tear up. You achieved that with Scootaloo losing the cake and Rainbow comforting her.

I love this story, short and simple and so heartwarming, this was worth the read.

Nice, it got featured. That would explain how it overshadowed me although we published around the same time lol.

8923405
I'm honestly not sure exactly why it got featured, really. Maybe I have more followers, might have something to do with it. Or it's just the simple fact of the matter that people love Rainbow and Scootaloo centered stories.

8923411 All of that is pretty much true. You have more followers and the ironic part is I did a story with those two on fathers day and it had a 18-5 ratio(although it was rushed since I wrote it in 2 weeks and had a week worth of editing). Nevertheless, congrats

8923433
Thank you. Do you want to know the really funny thing here? And I'm sorry if I sound like I was bragging, but this was a bit of a rush job, written mostly yesterday and in the early hours of today. I was surprised this turned out as well as it did.

8923435 Then you have natural talent. I wrote mine back in November and had to re-write it, edit it and go over it 3 times each. But who knows? Maybe it'll change since it hasn't been 12 hours yet and it has a good ratio so far.

Featured, congrats!:yay:

8923486
Which was a surprise to me honestly. This fic was one of those rush jobs. I honestly wasn't expecting anything of the sort.

Well duh. You ask in blissful ignorance why the story is featured...
Its cuz it's a great one shot. Well done

Oh my goodness I just absolutely loved the pure loving feelings in this!

Which one of the Abyss's stories is that one?

8923674
This one.

TI'll Always be Here for You
After Rainbow finds Scootaloo trudging beneath her house in a vicious snowstorm, she takes her in, only to discover something shocking.
The Abyss · 92k words  ·  4,155  179 · 59k views

This was adorable.

This was great.

Alright, I liked this fic overall. But let's break it down, shall we?


She’d been meaning to get her mother (Well, adoptive mother) a gift for weeks now, and for various reasons -Mostly crusading related- she’d been putting it off.

This is a stylistic choice, but I find that parantheses and other displaced punctuation can make a paragraph look clunky. Not wrong, just a note I wanted to give my two cents on.

“Surprised?” Scootaloo parroted, looking up at the tender-hearted mare. “How surprised we talkin’ about?”

I like your voice for Scootaloo here. I was going to say she's a little hamfisted dramatic, but kids are sometimes. No worries there.

“Is this really happening?” Scootaloo asked, crying as she buried her face into Rainbow’s leg. “Am I about to get adopted by you? For realsies?”

“Yep.” Rainbow nodded. “Just gotta sign my name a couple times, then we’re gonna head on home straight away. Sound good?”

This is very cute, but seems a little... forced. Like, almost too convenient. But, very adorable nonetheless.

Lining the hallway were the many trophies and ribbons Rainbow had earned during her career with the Wonderbolts amongst various other accomplishments, each a specific point of pride for her.

Your use of detail is nice here. Simple, sweet, and gives us a taste of the environment. Well done.

Just a quick note, your detail in describing the dessert is nice, but a bit long-winded. If you shortened it up a bit and maybe worked it into a more active scene, like when she would give the cake to Rainbow, it'd have more oomph. Just my opinion, though.

“Scoots, while I do appreciate the sentiment, I really do, you really didn’t have to go through all this trouble for me. Just knowing that I have you is the best gift a mother could ask for.”

Your voice for Rainbow is really good overall, but this seems a little too fancy for her. But like I said, good voice for her overall.


Okay, this was a cute piece and did its mission well. I've never been a huge fan of Scootadoption stories just because they're a bit overdone, but you really did well here. It was simplified and focused on just a cute moment as opposed to dragging out the emotions.

Well done!

I loved the story. That ending was so beautiful and sweet. Good work. :scootangel::rainbowkiss:

9267943
Thank you! I tried to aim for a bit of tearjerking, but still very heartwarming at the same time.

9267949
Well good job with that. It pulled at my heartstrings.

A short, simple and sweet story. Glad I got to read it. Also, didn't mind the reference at the end though.

Login or register to comment