• Member Since 22nd Mar, 2016
  • offline last seen 7 hours ago

The Bricklayer


Slow down, you're doing fine, you can't be everything you want to be, before your time... -Vienna, The Stranger: Billy Joel

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Okay, so Twilight and Twilight -the other one- decided to meet up with their respective marefriends. Do a double date. What could possibly go wrong? Well, if Sunset and Tempest have their way, there's going to be a lot of blushing and a lot of snark going around really. ...Poor Twilight may never live this one down.

(I blame the cover art for making me do this. And the Stratovarian. Yes, him as well.)

(Featured through 3/20/19 to 3/22/19)

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 17 )

Hehe, I love it!:rainbowkiss:

Fluffy, flirty, and funny. Ya earned a thumbs up and fav :raritywink:

9518629
Thanks. Personally, I didn't know if it was going to turn out as funny as it did, and there were some bits that got cut simply because I didn't know how to fit them in, like Sunset admitting that Sci-Twi confessed her love to her over Discord in a hugely embarrassing manner. Just couldn't find a way to fit that in.

So what shipping wars brought this out?

9518666
None, actually. I just saw the cover art on DA, and then came the ideas...

Love it, <3

After talking about similarities and differences between Celestia and Discord, I imagined this:

Princess Twilight tapped under her muzzle, "So, out of curiosity, there was a serious threat a little while back from, oddly enough, a filly. Her name is 'Cozy Glow.' Do you have anyone by that name over there?"

Sci-Twi looks back at her blankly for a moment, then chortles. "Have I ever heard of someone named Cozy Glow?! She's one of the richest people in the world! She runs a service sort of like Discord called 'Flankvolume.' People are constantly trying to get friends, sometimes competitively." After Princess Twilight blanches, Sci-Twi asks, "What?"

What would happen when Tempest and Princess Twilight severely made out in the Headmistress room unbeknownst to them the intercom was on full volume and everyone in Ponyville hears it?

9520738
...Twilight would probably never leave her house again, no thanks to the papers.

The idea is sound, but the execution is lacking. A lot of overwrought prose, describing rather than demonstrating personalities, and just stopping the story rather than bringing it to a satisfying conclusion. That said, there's definite potential here. Tighten your prose and focus on the events themselves rather than reviewing them, and you'll be well on your way to greatness.

9575637
Okay, what I'd actually like now is clarification on all of this. I'm not exactly sure what you mean by A lot of overwrought prose, describing rather than demonstrating personalities, and just stopping the story rather than bringing it to a satisfying conclusion and such. Guess I'm a little miffed you expect me to know these things, and yet you don't go in-depth to explain where I went wrong. Seriously, PresentPerfect -which is how I do suspect you were even aware of this story, to begin with- said I made fandom jokes and yet he didn't say what jokes I made.

9575779
Sure thing. By "overwrought prose," I mean a lot of run-on or hyperextended sentences that seem like they're trying to demonstrate advanced skills and just feel awkward. Consider the following:

“You’re overreacting Twi,” Tempest continued to reassure, it was her Celestia given duty -at least in her mind- to keep her marefriend from having meltdowns every other day, even over as something as simple as misplacing a book and shouting to the heavens how the library had always been good to her.

This is one sentence. It should be two at minimum; moving from dialogue attribution to Tempest's duty means you're moving to a different thought. Really, it's the lack of commas that kills it. Your attempted use of em dashes is commendable, but overall, you need to pace out and break up your thoughts a bit more. As is, your prose comes out as a breathless ramble.

With describing rather demonstrating personalities, consider the titular marefriends comparing notes on their respective Twilights. We rarely if ever see the competitiveness mentioned here in either Purplesmart in canon, and you never actually show the milk bottle toss "onscreen," so we just have to take the characters' word for it rather than witnessing it firsthand. Same principle applies for, say, pony Twilight's comic collection. In the end, it feels like you're just slapping labels on the characters rather than letting them actually show the audience who they are. Some of that is an unfortunate consequence of the story—people are going to describe their girlfriends when asked—but it still feels like lazy writing.

Finally, stopping versus ending. The story ends on a bit that works for the end of a scene, but not the end of a story. This feels more like a first chapter than a complete tale, with plenty of potential left to explore. Now that the characters better understand one another, they can actually start to interact beyond introductions... or they could, if the story wasn't marked Complete. They say to always leave your audience wanting more, but this isn't how to go about doing it. At the very least, keep going until the end of the carnival!

Sorry for the unhelpfully brief criticism. Hope this is more useful.

Adorable interactions among all parties. Love the teasing too

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