• Member Since 23rd Apr, 2013
  • offline last seen January 9th

Fervidor


The Tomorrow King.

T

Comments may contain spoilers. Scroll down at your own risk.

Scootaloo never had an easy life. Not only was she orphaned at a very young age, but she is also a pegasus doomed to never attain flight.

But her life changes forever when she meets Fang, an eccentric magician who is not what she seems. Fang keeps many secrets, but Scootaloo will soon discover that she too carries one – a dark and terrible secret, hidden away in her own heart. One that even she herself was not aware of.

As the two grow closer and more secrets are revealed, Scootaloo must find the courage to open her heart, learn the mysteries of magic, and discover what it means to be a familiar.

Act 1 completed. The story is on hiatus for the time being until I have more chapters written.

Chapters (10)
Comments ( 420 )

OC, Scootadopt, Mysterious Past, Fang?

I'll pass.... Er wait.

It's Fervidor.

Hell with it, I'll give it a go.

--Curious Spade

It should be interesting to see what Twilight has to say!

Oh, and:

A very feint faint shudder seemed to run through the entire building.

The writing's generally pretty good. I just happened to notice that one sentence...

--Sweetie Belle

8659843

You know you can't go wrong with Fervidor. :ajsmug:

8659877

I was almost positive I'd caught all the errors this time. Oh well.

Thanks!

8659976
No problem!

This seems like the type of error that might have come about when fixing another error or doing some revising. Changes after you've proofread are the easiest to miss mistakes in!

--Sweetie Belle

Now this is some top quality pony waifu right there.

Engaging story so far.

"Oh! I totally forgot to tell you guys! Rarity and Twilight arranged for me to get magic lessons from Starlight Glimmer! Twilight said it would be a good learning experience for both of us."

What have you done. You have doomed us all.

Your story was just added my group Magical Familiars, we always need more stories that can fit into the group, and as such I thank you for your love of magicly entwined beings.

Nah, she was born that way

:twilightblush:

Okay, so at this point I am REALLY interested in Fang as a character. I'll be following this story now. Good work; keep it up!

8660412

I... I'm sure it will be alright...

...What's the worst that could happen? :unsuresweetie:

8660603

It's not an especially common theme these days, is it?

8660801

Thanks, I'm glad you find her interesting.

8660412
I personally think it's kinda cool.

Intersting start so far! You've earned a tracker, Fervidor!

8660982
I also consider impending doom to be cool. Scary, but cool. Awesome in the old meaning of the word.

8660844
Famous last words right there.

I have a condition, okay? It's called Rince Wind Syndrome. We pegasi fly by using our natural magic to lift us up, but my body doesn't produce enough of it.

"Also, the doctors said I'd probably save the world by accident a few times. And that I should be careful around orangutans."

"By the way," Fang said, "are you a boy pony or a girl pony?"

I take it Professor Fang will be welcoming Scootaloo to the wondrous world of Ponymon?

In all seriousness, very intriguing start indeed, especially the tease about Scootaloo's magic. I'm not normally into Orphanloo stories, but between this opening and the hype, I'm more than willing to give this a try. Eagerly looking forward to more.

8661145

"Also, the doctors said I'd probably save the world by accident a few times. And that I should be careful around orangutans."

:pinkiehappy:

I'm not normally into Orphanloo stories, but between this opening and the hype, I'm more than willing to give this a try. Eagerly looking forward to more.

Thanks. Like I said, I have a bit of a conflicting relationship with them, but as usual the story takes priority over my personal opinions on the matter. Anyway, I hope it won't disappoint.

Yeah, I'm really liking Fang so far. Can't wait to see what adventures she and Scootaloo are going to get themselves into!

And by the way, that line about her forgetting her horn actually made me laugh. When I first took a look at the cover image, I didn't see the horn at first for some reason. But then I read that line and I looked back and there it was.

So either I just missed it on the first viewing, or something weird is going on with my life...

I don't know your work, but I definitely enjoyed the first two chapters of this story. I hope you post more soon!

I don't really buy into the Orphanloo fanon either, but I've seen it done well a good number of times too, and this fic's certainly got my attention, so let's see where it goes next. :twilightsmile:

I have a condition, okay? It's called Rince Wind Syndrome.

Hm. I suppose that explains why she gets such good horizontal speed. Perfect for running away from the inevitable monsters, villains and disasters that will inevitably try to make your life terminally interesting!

All right, this is off to a promising start. Fang had a lot of typical "Mary Sue" traits, I did notice that while reading, but on the whole I feel she works as a character. Good execution can make all concepts work.

Looking forward to more!

It looked at her and opened its mouth, letting out a sound that wasn't quite a roar nor quite a shriek.

Que the sound effects!

Also we better get Red Like Roses pt II at some point, :derpytongue2:

A tiger, a turtle, a bird, and a coiling snake-like dragon.

Great now I want to play Guild Wars...

She lit a spell with her horn, spraying the machine with a cold stream of gas.

... Aaaaand I laughed way harder at this than I should have, :rainbowlaugh:

8659843 My thoughts almost exactly.

"It's called Rince Wind Syndrome." -- Yes, she can't fly, but she can run like *anything*

8662217

"It's called Rince Wind Syndrome." -- Yes, she can't fly, but she can run like *anything*

I had the exact same thought, but I couldn't think of a witty way of wording it.

8661807

Fang had a lot of typical "Mary Sue" traits,

It's kinda hard to write powerful, accomplished characters who don't, is the thing. :unsuresweetie:

I don't even consider it to be a matter of "traits", really. It's just that people want an easy, immediate way to spot a problem, so they just focus on symptoms rather than looking at the big picture.

8662097

... Aaaaand I laughed way harder at this than I should have, :rainbowlaugh:

Always make sure to have a fire extinguishing spell memorized in case of emergency.

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8661804

Thanks, glad you're liking it so far.

8662217
8662641

Obvious reference, I know, but I couldn't help myself. :twilightsheepish:

It was huge, at least twice the size of the largest pony Scootaloo had ever seen. It resembled a dog or wolf in build, but only vaguely. It had no fur and the skin was dark bluish grey, almost black. It shimmered strangely in the dim light like oil on water. The body looked emaciated, little more than skin stretched over bones. It had no visible ears or nose, save six small holes along its snout that may have been nostrils. The tail was long and tapered like a snake or lizard. The creature stood on four spindly legs ending in three-toed talons with long curved claws, more like those of a bird of prey than the paws of a canine. Its eyes were just two round holes, glowing with a pale blue light.

It looked at her and opened its mouth, letting out a sound that wasn't quite a roar nor quite a shriek. It had no tongue, only rows of sharp icicle teeth and a gullet like a dark hole into nothing.

Scootaloo fled. It wasn't a conscious decision, her body simply moved on it's own, turning her scooter around and – powering through the numbing chill – flapping her wings harder than she ever had before. Her scooter raced down the street like a rocket and she heard the creature wail again behind her, distressingly close. She dared to throw a glance behind her and saw to her horror that it had left the alley and was pursuing her with mighty strides. The terror made Scootaloo push herself even harder, ignoring the strain, her wings a buzzing blur.

DAMN. That is bucking TERRIFYING.:twilightoops:

Also,

8662652

I get what you mean. As I understand it, the "Mary Sue" phenomenon mostly originated as a result of certain patterns emerging in fanfiction way in the early days of fandom, where an association sprung up between writers using characters with certain traits (usually, they were self-inserts, were named after specific patterns varying from fandom to fandom, belonged to whatever species or organization was considered special in the work of origin, etcetera etcetera. The laundry list varies between fandoms) and various issues with bad writing (shallow and poorly developed ocs who were given every trait that made other characters special for no real reason, ooc behavior on the part of the canon characters, badly developed plots, poor to nonexistent respect for canon lore, setting, characters etc., and so on). So an association developed between those traits and the bad writing. The issue is, I would say, was that people started focusing on those traits alone rather than on the actual bad writing, so people started throwing about the label "Mary Sue" every time they spotted one of those traits and, as you said, focused on the shallow details rather than paying attention to the more important stuff going on.

I think the most obvious way this happens in the MLP fandom is with the all-too-common knee-jerk hatred towards alicorn ocs. I've heard a lot of reasons and justifications for this, and none ever really convinced me. There's the argument that they're too powerful and you can't write plots that challenge them, which is nonsense. People have written books about literal gods without running into this issue, and even then there are plenty of problems you can't clobber your way out of with brute force. Or the idea that alicorn ocs are bad because it's conceited to portray yourself as something the show presents as paragons of perfection who have achieved their fullest potential, which is even worse nonsense which makes the huge and unfunded assumption the oc in question is perforce a self-insert and anyway ignores the show has consistently portrayed its alicorns as being just as fallible and capable of growing as anyone else.

Or, heh, remember all the drama when Tempest Shadow's design was released and half the fandom decided they knew all they needed about her and that she was going to to be an awful character because she had a black-and-red color scheme and a broken horn? And now she's one of the movie's most popular characters, because she was very well-written and well-portrayed, and that turns out to not be something her character model's colors affect much at all.

To get back to your actual fanfic and characters, what I meant to say (and what I guess I should have actually said) was that Fang does indeed have a number of traits that people have come to associate with Mary Sues, for all that that term has been used, reused and abused into meaninglessness by now. "Edgy" name, really powerful sorceress, is friends with important characters, probably a human, made her entrance effortlessly saving a canon character from a massive threat they couldn't themselves have done anything about, she knows all sorts of stuff canon characters are not seemingly privy to, etcetera. Those are things people have come to associate with bad character writing. Now, those aren't issues here in this story -- Scootaloo couldn't reasonably have saved herself from the wolf thing whose name escapes me anymore than she could have from a dragon or maulwurf or tatzelwurm, for instance, and given Fang's evident profession and lifestyle it's perfectly reasonable that she knows what she does -- but the associations remain.

Now, traits aside, I liked what I saw of Fang and the story you're writing in these two chapters. The writing has been good, and I while I can't give you any meaningful analysis of Fang until I've seen some more of her (because, you know, just two chapters and all), she seems an interesting and likable character whose development and eventual struggles I could develop some genuine interest in, with some more exposure. Like I said before -- I'm eagerly looking forward to more!

8663304

You're mostly right, which is refreshing.

Though, I would define Mary Sues specifically as proxy characters that the author uses for personal escapism. That in itself would not be too bad, except the authors who do this tend to suffer from low self-esteem and associated issues. I've known a few of them, and they were usually pretty broken people, so I think I've come to understand the general psychology.

Basically, they use their characters as a kind of coping mechanism, providing those characters the gratification and vindication they feel they are owed. This tends to warp the entire narrative into something that is distinctly not meant to tell good stories or entertain others. This is also why those authors tend to be extremely sensitive about their characters. These problems are usually exacerbated by the severity of the writer's neurosis.

If anything it's more accurate to say that Mary Sue is a problem with the writer, not so much a problem with the character.

The "traits" are just symptoms, and aesthetics that this type of personality generally tends to find appealing.

The issue is, I would say, was that people started focusing on those traits alone rather than on the actual bad writing, so people started throwing about the label "Mary Sue" every time they spotted one of those traits and, as you said, focused on the shallow details rather than paying attention to the more important stuff going on.

Pretty much. Worst thing is, many label perfectly decent characters as Mary Sues as basically a knee-jerk reaction, and conclude that this makes them bad arbitrarily without really considering if the character works in context.

I personally think those people are a bigger problem when the ones who actually write real Mary Sues. The latter is unhealthy and kinda sad, but the former is actually damaging to reading and writing in general.

Or, heh, remember all the drama when Tempest Shadow's design was released and half the fandom decided they knew all they needed about her and that she was going to to be an awful character because she had a black-and-red color scheme and a broken horn?

Nevermind that she was the main antagonist. I don't even think antagonists really can be Mary Sues - it's sort of inherently a protagonist thing.

"Edgy" name,

You know, originally I was just going for something similar to Howl, as in Howl's Moving Castle. The name has taken on a bit of a different meaning since then, however.

Scootaloo was starting to feel less hungry now. "Um, ponies don't eat meat," she pointed out.

Though IRL ones do if they can get it.

8663766

For ponies, I generally presume it's more a cultural thing than a biological one.

8663775
Eh. Maybe. Still doesn't explain why they raise pigs and some go fishing.:ajbemused:

It was huge, at least twice the size of the largest pony Scootaloo had ever seen. It resembled a dog or wolf in build, but only vaguely. It had no fur and the skin was dark bluish grey, almost black. It shimmered strangely in the dim light like oil on water. The body looked emaciated, little more than skin stretched over bones. It had no visible ears or nose, save six small holes along its snout that may have been nostrils. The tail was long and tapered like a snake or lizard. The creature stood on four spindly legs ending in three-toed talons with long curved claws, more like those of a bird of prey than the paws of a canine. Its eyes were just two round holes, glowing with a pale blue light.

That creature... Looks like hound of the wild hunt from witcher 3. Did you base it on that or it's a coincidence?

Then, all of a sudden, something changed. The air in front of her quivered for a moment, and in the empty space between the trees a structure seemed to appear out of nowhere. It was a small stone tower, old but well maintained, bizarrely out of place in the middle of the wilderness. Scootaloo didn't know if it was a mirage or a dream, but mustering the last of her strength, she reached out with her numb, frozen hoof towards the tower and tried to scream. All she managed was a pathetic croak.

OK that is definitely from witcher universe. And I love it.:twilightsmile:

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8664971

Actually, I know almost nothing about the Witcher series, so that's pretty much a coincidence. :twilightsheepish:

8665013
:rainbowhuh: Well, still it's cool no less. I bet creators of Witcher universe get inspiration somewhere else too. Speaking of which, did thought of this on your own or base on something? (If it is not a secret)

8665039

Well, all stories are influenced by something, and good stories will take influence from many things.

This one was mainly inspired by Howl's Moving Castle and The Sword in the Stone, though it's also has a lot of Doctor Who and general anime influences as well. As for the gaunthound specifically, it was inspired by The Hounds of Tindalos by Frank Belknap Long.

Introducing my OC, Fang. As I'm sure you can already tell, she's totally a blatant Mary Sue.

Not really. Usually Mary Sue have weak character, loved by anyone else and never made mistakes. And Fang has a distinguished character traits (somewhat Doctor Who alike, but not just copy cat), Scootaloo had fight with her and Fang blow her cover to twelve year old filly. Only one thing she is lacking a purpose.(what and why she doing in her live.)
But I get a feeling we get to that in next chapters.

8665118

Yeah, I was joking, pretty much. That and I figured someone would call her a Sue sooner or later, so I might as well show that I'm self-conscious about what I'm doing here.

8665121
That worked. Someone (me) started defend her before such comments.:derpytongue2:

8665272
There really aren't a lot Trust me I looked but here https://www.fimfiction.net/group/212995/magical-familiars If you can think of a way to encourage more familiar realated storyes tell me, I relly cant do a rwighting prompt with only eight members.

8665428
Sure I'll make a thread announcing it latter today.

But, isn't Fang a boy's name?

Ooooh, I'm liking this a lot already. :pinkiehappy: Looking forward to the next part!

8669644

Glad you like it. Next part should be along the day after tomorrow.

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