- Member Since 9th Nov, 2014
- offline last seen Jul 21st, 2022
Mr Dorito
Anime is Japan's revenge for Hiroshima
Mr Dorito
Joined 9th Nov, 2014 ·
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Well you have my attention, do go on.....
oh goodie twilight gets a star destroyer
i cant wait also i hope the Imperials stumble across twilight absolutely destroying the command crew that ejected planetside from the equis ship
you have my attention i shall be watching
8388839
....Twilight is banished. She doesn't get a ship.
Later on, maybe.
This is a Pro-Empire fic by the way.
You're gonna see Imperial characters way more than the Rebels.
Okay, MORE DA...RN IT! MOAR!
Also, I hope you have them burn the Holy Solar Empire to dust. Along with the rebellion.
If to make you story work you need that everyone behaves completely and utterly OOC then your story have problems...
It only my opinions of course.
Oh god...
I WANT MORE!!! WHEN CAN I READ THE NEXT CHAPTER?!?!?!?
Ok after reading from what involves my favorite duo now.........................you have my attention
I hope I get to see them became pupils of the one and only, Darth Vader *excitment thoughts*
Oh joy. Pro-Empire..... goodie.
Well this is interesting
I'm not familiar with the different timelines of the star wars-verse in this fandom,
Pro-empire means that the rebels in episodes 4,5 and 6 failed and the empire reigns supreme or something like that?
........
8389293
Pro-Empire, but almost the same timeline up to this point.
Yavin 4, Hoth, and Cloud City still happened. This is between 5 and 6.
8389314
Tx!
Yeah, alright. I can get behind that.
Not really.
Hey Palpatine! Should Lord Demolitions keep writing more chapters?
"Do it"
is twilight to mentor under admiral thrawn? the emporer? vader?
8389384
You'll see
8389381
Hmmm, an excellent opening so far. I can hardly wait until next chapter. Are our heroes anthro in this one though? Just checking.
8389486
Yes
You must be new because you have no fucking clue as to whom you're dealing with, do you?
Too much telling, too little showing.
You had a good opportunity to show how Twilight came to the decision to oppose the invasion with force of arms.
Instead you used a Wall Of Text.
I hope you will showing more instead of telling in the future. Marking the fic into the "Read later"-slot in the hopes things improve.
Interesting concept, though I think you need an editor.
s does have its perks. It's usually quite,Â
You mean quiet? Also you should only use numbers 1234 if you are doing percent however if you are saying there were 5 ships you should say five instead. Just a little gramatical thing.
As for critique I would say slow down a little, add a little more description and break up your paragraphs more, other then that im hyped for more!
you have my attention and tracking, good job
Huh... Well butter my buns and call me bread! This fic is actually getting me excited about the next following chapters!
This is pretty good! Don't let the quick feature get to your head though. I have seen a couple fics start strong to fall to the term "quantity over quality". Keep with this story, but don't rush anything for me k?
love the premise, but there is only one glaring problem in my opinion. Don't use numbers in speech, story telling sure, its fine. but with speech it needs to be spelled out.
Nice. Meesa lika yousa's bombad story!
8389840
Thanks for that. I really got confused because a lot fics use numbers, and others doesn't. At that point, I didn't know which is right.
great fic, could use a bit more story and dialogue in scenes though
This.
I like this.
Glory to the Empire!
You sir have done something many have tried and failed at before, getting me to like the Empire, not including Thrawn because is already too awesome to not like. I like this, keep it up. And I honestly wondering if Twilight will join the Empire, because if I remember correctly The Emperor dislikes/hates non humans, but he has some exceptions IE Thrawn.
8390142
Glory to the dark side of the force I look forward to further chapters
8390180
Well, the Emperor IS sith though, and xenophobia is kind of one of the Sith's big things.
If you ask the average Imperial citizen or and they probably don't give two shits what species some is, the xenophobe side of the Empire, in my opinion, comes from and is spread by the Sith, and former pro-CIS elements.
Is the Vendetta a Super Star Destroyer class Dreadnought or an imperial Class?
8390312
Vendetta is an Imperial-class Star Destroyer. You'll see more about the Vendetta later on.
It's an actual ship from the Legends universe. I made up the Pride of Corellia and the Shadow of Bastion.
You'll see them in the next chapter soon.
to garner is to gather or collect (especially information or approval) a garter is a band worn around the leg to keep up a stocking or sock. Was this mistake in your story description accidental? or is it meant to lead into some joke later on?
Good chapter. Good fic. Hope to see more.
68.media.tumblr.com/5f05335e19458714a502595b1f79b979/tumblr_inline_nkt6hnvTQX1t1h372.gif
Also if you do have plans to kill off the ghost crew, I'd ask you spare Kanan and Hera, as they really seem to be the only two likable characters on the show. (In my own opinion I wish the show was just about them.) Zeb, Sabine, and Space Aladdin I couldn't give a shit less about though.
8390426
It was suppose to be garner. Thanks for that.
Interesting. Tracked and looking forward to more.
8390444
Possibly. I haven't made plans for them yet, though I've already thought out the fates of many Rebel characters.
Hey this is a good start. I love crossover fics.
I would suggest you find an editor/proofreader. Lots of small typos and punctuation errors throughout.
The pacing also seems way too fast. You should add padding and exposition to slow it down a bit. For example, apparently Equestria is a space-faring civilisation in your fic, but you never really say how that came to be, we just start with Twilight's exile. It's good to get a good hook at the beginning of the fic to draw the reader in, but things are moving way too fast. You could have gone into more detail about how Twilight started to doubt Celestia's leadership, how she gained allies in order to ensure her fleet followed her lead in treason, and how she planned to defend the Chiss, as well as the betrayals by friends and family mentioned. The trial could also have been elongated to give us a chance to see her friends and family ultimately reject her in court... giving a reason for her reject them in turn (as you show her doing) which could plant the seed for her ultimate turn to the dark side (not sure if that is your intention here but that's how I interpret it).
You may or may not plan to reveal more backstory later, of course, but I think a bit more should have gone here.
Also I assume the Chiss are not known by the Empire, I do not know much of the EU though so I would suggest you be sure to spell anything important like that out. It is made more clear later in the chapter but it should be made clear at the beginning that they only control X planets and don't know much about the wider galaxy; makes more sense why Twilight would argue that there could be anything out there. You do do this in a few places, such as explaining Thrawn's origins. The cliffhanger you made is another example. I have no idea of what importance that ship is but I have a feeling you expect me to already know.
The way you switch viewpoints is odd. I suggest removing the names and place names (the 2 years later can stay) and just replace with horizontal rules or similar ornamentation to indicate a switch of viewpoint. And then just make sure the first line or two provides enough context for the reader to figure out who's viewpoint it is and where they are (or to assume they're still where the reader left them).
Also I would suggest eliminating the first couple of Thrawn's sections. They don't add much and it just gives me whiplash switching viewpoints. It would be neat to see everything from Twilight's viewpoint through the probe exploding, and then to switch to Thrawn's viewpoint to see his reaction, him ordering Echo Squad down (and no need to see what they're up to yet since they don't do anything interesting this chapter) and the space battle. This way it adds a bit of suspense since the reader is as unsure as Spike and Twilight about what is going on, until the reveal that it's Thrawn and his fleet.
Also a few odd things: Why does Spike or Twilight need clothes anyway? Wouldn't a probe droid be smarter than to just shoot anything that moves? Why would Twilight even worry about that, just bubble it!
Be careful when naming things; we have the Celestial Alliance, which you call Alliance in many places, which can easily be confused for the Rebel Alliance. Twilight's fleet is called the Rebels with similar potential confusion (it's only around for a few paragraphs so it doesn't even really need its own name).
Of course I've only dabbled in fic writing and never published anything so take all this with a grain of salt. If nothing else take it as indication that I really enjoyed this and want to see it get better. May the Magical Force of Friendship be with you! Or something.
8390581
I planned to have Twilight explain the Celestial Alliance later on and what she did. I didn't want to drop the entire backstory right off the bat.
8390180
8390303
One thing to keep in mind about the Empire's xenophobia, is that the Chiss are one of the few alien species that are almost entirely loyal to the Empire; as far as I can tell, the Chiss have always sided with the Empire, and as such they are not regarded with as much hate/disgust as other non-humans. And in regards to the Sith being xenophobic, isn't another one of the Sith's "big things" that if you are force sensitive, regardless of species, you are allowed a shot at becoming Sith, so long as you prove yourself capable of being one? My main source of Star Wars knowledge, outside of the movies and the multiple TV series, is Star Wars The Old Republic. Not sure if the Empire in that is comparable to the one in this story, but that is where I got the information about the Chiss.
To the author: Speaking of Sith and their practices, Will there be any mention of the Sith Code? You know,
Peace is a lie, there is only Passion
Through Passion, I gain Strength
Through Strength, I gain Power
Through Power, I gain Victory
Through Victory, my chains are broken
The Force shall free me
8390933
True, while force sensitive aliens CAN become Sith, at least in the SWTOR era, they faced great discrimination from their human and True Sith counterparts, and few ever even survived to graduate the sith academy on Korriban, if memory serves.
So yea, alien Sith are near non=existent.
8390947
True, but you know that weird monkey-like alien from Jabba's Palace in Episode 6? The really lanky thing with the screechy cackle? Apparently in one of the Star Wars videogames, I don't remember which one, one of those things was not only force-sensitive, but it wielded a lightsaber, utilized force lightning, and was capable of speech. That's right, ONE OF THOSE THINGS became a Sith. If something like that can do it, then I say anyone force-sensitive can.
8390933
There will be other force sensitives besides the main Star Wars characters, some, many people have never heard of.
Vader and Palpatine after all, aren't the only force sensitives in the Empire.
(Disney Inquisitors are fucking pussies compared to the Legends Inquisitors)