• Member Since 1st Feb, 2015
  • offline last seen Dec 13th, 2019

Spartan889


Just a normal dude who loves making fics

T

Once banished for a crime she didn't commit until she was rescued by Delta Squad. Now Twilight Sparkle must adapt to her new life serving the Grand Republic Army as a commando with Delta Squad. What does the future holds for Twilight and her new family. Will she ever return to Equestria again to face her past.

This is my first fanfic. So please go easy on the criticism please and enjoy.

This take place after a month of the battle of Geonosis but will not relate to the novels.

Chapters (5)
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Comments ( 134 )

Great start! Loving it!
Xd honestly this is way better than my first attempt at writing.
Little grammar tip, though:
Start a new line with each dialogue:

"Let's go home Deltas." Boss said and enters the ship with the others except for Scorch who waits outside for Twilight. The unicorn looks back and see Canterlot and PonyVille with boiling anger.
"Buck Equestria." She said with venom and malice and boards the ship with Scorch. Once they boarded the ship, it slowly lifts into the air and takes off to the sky and towards to space. A few minutes past as Twilight looks out of the window and sees her homeplanet which amazed her and sees the stars the stars shining brightly through the void of space. "Its beautiful."
"Hyperdrive is ready sir." Said Fixer.
"Good. Hit it Fixer." Boss anwsered and Fixer hits the hyperdrive thus sending the frieghter through the void of space. But little did Twilight know a new bond of friendship and family has been created.



I may be wrong on when to create a new line in terms of having action, though. I don't know if making a new line is for both action and dialogue or just dialogue (I use both, xd)

5576337
Damn straight marine!

5576377 you know it and also because i see that you're from Singapore

no hate:pinkiehappy:

Do you have in plans explain why Delta squad was in Equestria in first place?

Wait, im confused. Does twilight have her wings?

Comment posted by Spartan889 deleted Feb 2nd, 2015

5577504
Nope she doesn't have her wings.

Keep going man, this has promises!

what the heck happen!? how the heck twilight friend just accused her for the crime she even didnt commited?

oh well they figure it out eventually

What was the accusation? I'm sure, that If Equestria joins the Republic, Chancellor Palpatine could officially pardon her of this crime, and there would also be a Judicial Investigation.

5583908
Well, it's all speculation of what happened which is what some like Spartan889 and I think or what others think as it's up in the air.

duragan had one theroy which is this and I've used on a couple of fanfictions I'm working on (I've given proper credit to him by the way) which comes him after he saw this image: http://fujin777.deviantart.com/art/Banishment-309901278 and this story: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/42467/1/Irredeemably-rejected/Irredeemably-Rejected

5584174 I just read the story, BUT WHAT WAS THE ACCUSATION?

a piece of advice, separate the dialogues. It will be more easy on the eyes later.
also, i may not like the argument, but i want to see where this is going. So here, have a fav, and spend it wisely.

good story, can´t wait for next chapter, it keeps me intrigued

I'm enjoying this series of it but I felt it was too soon for Twilight to become a commando I can't help but think that or desperate need to help others would have allowed boss to invite her to the squad at least that's how I would have Done it but still I'm enjoying it very much

5587303 maybe she is a commando, but she needs training and I think that´s how his roll is going in the story , thats´s my opinion, i don´t know, I hope I've been helpful.

great way to get some explaining done. also pretty funny that everyone was startled to see Windu getting hugged lol :rainbowlaugh: can't wait for the next part it sounding great. :pinkiehappy:

i got the feeling this story may take a while before twilight friend wanted to see her again

then again i sense while twilight do the spell she mention it i think somepony sabotage it instead

but im sure they going to missed her but who cares twilight doesnt forgive them for hating her

but interesthing enought this is going to be a great day

An accidental explosion? That's why everyone even her closest friends turned on her? That's pretty harsh? I hope that if her name is ever cleared and her friends, family, and mentor beg for forgiveness and ask her to return, Twilight will not only say no but will also sock Celestia in the face, and threaten to kill any of them if they try to stop her from leaving. And to add insult to injury, she can say to the mane 6 their dead to her.

I like it so far keep it up

Is it just me, or there are a lot of Halo references here?:rainbowhuh:

But, good story though:pinkiesmile:

"Men, here is where we show those dumb, squid-headed sons-a-bitches that they could not have picked a worse enemy than the 35th Marine Corps! We are going to blow the hell out of those dumb clankers until we don't have anything to shoot them with, and then we will rip their heads from their circuits and toss 'em into the scrapheap LAUGHING! Am I right, marines?"

"Sir, yes Sir!"

"Mmm-hmm. Damn right I am. Now move it out! Double-time!"

"That's right you mothers! Run!" Johnson shouted

XD That was a Halo references!

Completely unrelated to the story, but that was a hard ass game.

Clone trooper Sgt. Johnson know that was very funny

With stories, it is generally accepted that you type in full past tense. Compare this:

The Super Battle droid sees a squad on clone troopers coming in. It aims it's cannon and shoots out a grenade which explode on contact thus killing most of the squad while those were lucky were killed by the B1s blaster fire. One of trooper corspe landed infront of Twilight causing her to shriek.

to this:

The Super Battle droid saw a squad of troopers arriving. It aimed its cannon and shot a grenade, exploding on contact and killing most of the squad, aside from those who were lucky were killed by the B1s blaster fire. A clone's charred corpse landed in-front of Twilight, causing her to shriek.

There, the mistakes are fixed up and it generally flows better. Learn to use the comma, and don't care about word count as long as the story flows well. Also use some descriptive words, and the story will feel more alive. Do a similar thing to the whole story or get a Beta Reader. Good luck writing.

Great story can't wait to read more. also nice choose in song for that seen lol :rainbowlaugh:

Very good so far. Only a few mods and it would be great:

1.) Slow down.

It started off with Twilight being banished for an unknown reason, to her being rescued by Delta Squad (for whatever reasons for being there), to her joining them and flying away into space with only a good-hearted, "Buck all y'all!" to be said. A slower plot build up is really good for these kinds of stories.

2.) Break up the dialogue.

A bunch of the dialogue between multiple characters was included in the same paragraph, which makes it harder for one to keep track of who's talking. Starting a new paragraph for each new speaker would fix this, no problem.

All-in-all, it was not bad, and has a lot of potential. Republic Commando was one of my most favorite games growing up, and am excited to see someone write a crossover for it, and it's not bad, considering it being your first story and all.

I love the idea, and you can make this work with some adjustments, so keep it up! :heart::moustache:

P.S. Delta Squad are clones, so Sev wouldn't have a mother, if you don't count the lab-coats on Kamino anyway...

Good rising action, however, I noticed that you use a lot of run-on sentences. You should start breaking up your longer sentences with commas and periods when appropriate.

Despite that, another good chapter. :moustache:

Oh boy, prepare for hell Twilight.

I love Republic Commando a lot. Thank you for making this story.:twilightsmile:

Vau... I have the books, she's screwed

They better figure it out or else I get an army of A.S.T Goliath and fuck everything up

This is Admiral Hood of the RAS Forward unto Dawn.
Funny reference :rainbowlaugh:

I hope they figure it out that it wasn't twilight fault

This story makes me want to smack you in the face with my fuckin keyboard! The idea is somewhat solid. The execution is bad. The pacing is bad. While I read this, I feel like I'm playing a new Call of Duty game. I look at it and say "Oh hey! A new Call of Duty! Let's hope it redeems itself and is as good as the first two!" but end up being left high and dry. Star Wars, in my opinion, is the absolute fucking shit that will forever be adored and Republic Commandos was one of my favorite fucking games! I kick myself in the ass for not buying any of the novels. I look at the Star Wars series and see a well thought out universe that is near flawless. I look at Republic Commando and get all nostalgic about the good times I had playing the campaign and facing my brother in a 1v1 local multiplayer. Don't get me wrong, I like the story- fuck, it's worth the likes it gets! It just comes short in the aspect of it trying to be a Star Wars crossover fanfic with MLP. But all that is in my opinion so to shorten all this down to something simpler, not saying you're stupid and need things dumbed down, I really like the fic and what you're trying to do... Except for bringing in Sergeant Avery Johnson from Halo, fuck you for doing that.

5688168 So I wasn't the only one, this story is fast paced but not bad. I've am writing a fanfic about a Clone ending up in Equestria. But I've included one more.. Spoiler, it's Sev from Republic Commando. Perhaps you would de interested in giving it a read.

Can't wait to read more:pinkiehappy:

I'm going to take a guess and say that Trixie was the one to cause that explosion.

5578613 loving it so far you should have one chapter where she meets the chancellor and returns with a battalion of clones and have her explain to Tia what really happened.

Just a thought.:pinkiehappy:

How is she holding/firing the weapons? Don't skip out on details!

Scorch hugging Twilight! :pinkiehappy:

Somebody commission an art piece for that!

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