• Member Since 10th Jul, 2014
  • offline last seen Yesterday

naturalbornderpy


Just a nice, polite Canadian.

T

Ponies at school say that there's a cave full of treasure close by.

All you have to do is go in and get it.

And make sure the Bug Queen doesn't catch you while inside.


A semi-sequel to "Don't Let The Bed Bug Bite".

Artwork by MnstrMthd.

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 53 )

Cave Bug needs hugs, I think. :fluttercry:

Great read! This particular sentence was the creepiest, dark-tag-earning one I've read in a while:

And, somehow, she had more teeth in her mouth than Miss Cheerilee ever had.

Something that stuck out to me was the abundance of italicized/emphasized words--not Golden Oats's inner commentary, which is fine--at the beginning; there are so many that with each one I read, its intended emphasis dwindled, and finally I reached the point where I started emphasizing them only because they were italicized and not because the content necessarily called for extra attention. Granted, the following examples have been plucked from their original positions in the text and formatted to illustrate a point, but still:

“I dare you to go inside,” the smaller colt chirped.

“I… I double dare you to go in!”

This cave, on the other hoof...

“Why would I even want to go in there?”

“Now you, like, have to!”

“Does that mean I could quadruple dare the two of you to stand on your heads and sing for me?”

In return, the smaller colt kicked him in the shins. “ Yes! Remember?”

“Oh, now I remember! Yep! Totally!”

"I have to help him find that yearbook he lost, anyways.”

“You’re sure you lost it out here?”

Other examples (I did not list them all) of unnecessarily italicized words and phrases include:

“I have my memories. My many, many memories! There is only one other thing I need in this world...”

Not Cheerilee smiled down at her. “Now what is your wish, little mare?”

This could be made even creepier if you removed the "Now" and just had this:

Not Cheerilee smiled down at her. "What is your wish, little mare?"

However, some of the italicized words work quite well contextually:

“Umm… do you live here?” she asked her timidly. “Like… in here?”

“Have you thought about not living in a spooky, dark cave?”

By the way, the following passage made no sense to me; I read it several times and could not understand it:

Not Cheerilee stepped to her right, causing Golden Oats to do the same, relocating her placement on the wall. She lowered herself to her, and the rippling on her skin ceased, leaving only a blackened, smooth figure before her. It seemed Golden Oats had been talking to the bug inside the cave all along.

So Not Cheerilee steps to the right, and Golden Oats steps to Not Cheerilee's right...right? Who is lowering herself to whom? All the "hers" are a bit confusing. Did Not Cheerilee stop changing and transform into a non-holey version of Chrysalis? What does "It seemed Golden Oats had been talking to the bug inside the cave all along" even mean?

Watch out for passive voice, as well--

"...I've been standing here for--" Her sentence was cut short due to Golden Oats launching herself into her chest. For over a minute, Golden Oats tried to explain exactly where she’d been, all the while burrowing herself more and more into her mother’s chest. Muffled gibberish, basically.

You could rewrite this into something like:

"I've been standing here for--"
Golden Oats launched herself into her mother's chest, burrowing her muzzle into the soft hair and trying to explain in muffled gibberish what had happened.

The "shrunk" below should be "shrank":

Her pupils shrunk as her eyes widened.

Also, I forgot to mention this earlier, but near the beginning of the story, the "passed" here should be "past":

...the larger colt wouldn’t have even made it passed the cave entrance...

Overall I liked this story--it's quite well-written and has a certain macabre charm to it. I could easily see this as being the first in a kind of timeless, lesson-teaching "Aesop's fables" for young ponies ("The Tale of Golden Oats and the Cave Bug," perhaps), or maybe a "ponified" and less dark version of some original Brothers Grimm tale (the kind Disney scrubs of the graphic materials). The story just needs a bit of polishing in the areas of grammar and syntax, but other than that, nice work!

I now really want to see a full story on a runaway Chrysalis told from the perspective of foals she interacts with. This is really good!

What. The. Taco

From the time Oaks found the changeling down there I just felt...pitty.

I would know for a fact that she is potentially hostile and dangerous, but nearly as much as her psyche would be by then.

She "has her books. Has her pictures" and that is what she needs.
totally not real conpany.

Her mentality was slipping. And she was beginning to get tired, and not in the sleepy way either.

But seriously, by the time she brought that picture up to her face, I would put on a brave facade and start trying to ask her if she wants weekly visits.

Instead of stupidly running for the wall, which automatically marks you as preY to any predator, I would try to remain calm and negotiate diplomatically.

Chrysalis is smart. Incredibly so. But she also feeds on love and uis obviously lacking.

Like I said, I would feel sad and sorry for her, and...maybe even try to make a Freind of her.

If she isn't too instantaneously hostile, there would totally be a chance to nurse her back to health and make a powerful freind.

8269254
Something has been bothering me for a while now, why the hell are you everywhere in fimfiction? It seems that I see your comment everywhere I go. (Sorry for the rude language, but how are you everywhere?)

Wow so much feels for Chrysalis

8269331
You are literally the second person to ask me this in this week.

My answer: who knows?
let's just say I get around a lot and always have something to say.

But if it bothers you so much I can conplete the picture by dropping random and meaningless comments in every story in your library if you share with me.

How does that sound, hmm?


...kek, I jest.

I really don't have an answer for you, sorry.
I just like to read a lot and I exclusively read from fimfiction, so every time I finish a story it is one from this site.

I love these bug stories!

I hope this storyline continues and Chrysalis gets a regular visitor :fluttershysad:

Where did you wonder off to?

I like to wonder off to. I think you meant wander.

8269183
Well, to spoiler, there should be a myriad of options at the top of the text box. One of them is three bars, which creates a drop-down list of more options when you click on it. The spoiler button is the Sp inverse.

8269401
FOXTrot2 is watching you 5 hours ago :raritycry:

Well, the dark tag is certainly appropriate, what with how dark it is inside the cave!

The young stallion let out a dejected sigh and dropped the archived news paper on top of a haphazard stack of other papers, tabloids and explorer's journals. He'd been through every public archive he could find, and this was the last of them. Still, it held nothing beyond re-hashed stories of boogiemares and ghosts he'd already read in countless other archives in countless other towns. His head didn't get lowered to the table so much as dropped in defeat. "Ten years" he muttered to himself. "Ten years, every spare bit I ever had, and most of my sanity."

"Maybe I can help."

The stallion didn't lift his head from the table, simply opening an eye to look up at the source of the voice.

"My name is Golden Oats. I believe we have something in common."

Between her "The very last of my kind, in fact." comment in Bed Bug and Cheerilee currently being a school teacher, these stories would have to take place after S6E26 but not by more than a few decades at most.

Ponies at school say that there's a cave full of treasure close by.
All you have to do is go in and get it.
And make sure the Bug Queen doesn't catch you while inside.

Pffft! Piss easy! In fact I literally have a can of bug spray on my drawers right now. So long, suckers in the comments below and above mine! I'm off to get that treasure!

Well, it was... something

IMO I don't think this story could be considered dark. If it had ended with Chrysalis doing something really nasty to Golden Oats *then* I would consider it dark.

Let her rot until she earns her redemption.

8269822
Ah, thank you very much (although, given the rest of the comments, I'm not going to bother putting the spoiler tags on this post).

But when Golden Oats spun around again, she found she was completely alone. Shivering, she reached for her bag, noticing something happily twinkling inside. She opened it.

Ten golden bits.

Some treasure, after all.

Aww... :applecry:

Menacing, yet still manages to be heart-warming and cute. Sooo much Roald Dahl here...

I really love this series collection of little short stories with Chrysalis here. Reminds me of some of the stories I read growing up.

This picture seems apropos here. The Tim Burtonesque creepy/cute atmosphere really fits IMHO:
derpicdn.net/img/view/2012/6/23/16421.jpg

8269669

I hope this storyline continues


The Clown Bug

Chrysalis sighed as brushed her floofy orange wig out of her eyes and bent down to retrieve the red rubber nose that had fallen off her muzzle. She plucked despondently at her bright, friendly blue and yellow jump-suit with the large, friendly orange buttons.

Off in the distance she could still the panicked screams and wails of terror of the stampeding colts and fillies.

"I have made a grave mistake"


:facehoof: :derpytongue2:

Chrysalis scares hands out life lessons to fillies and colts is a very interesting little side project. I'm enjoying it heavily. Though now I can't help but wonder. We've had two good little ones. What happens if she runs into someone, not so good.

“Sure, we’ll stick around.” The colt paused, eyeballing his friend. “I have to help him find that yearbook he lost, anyways.”

Yeah, My brain really started going in overdrive once I read that line. Keep up the amazing work man.

I've never felt more terrified yet eagerly curious of Queen Chrys--erm, Cave Bug. Just what has she been up to? :trixieshiftright:

Oh this sounds like a classic school playground ghost story. I totes gotta read!

8269064
To be more precise:
Cave bug needs hugs, badly.

Thought this one turned out a bit darker

Not in the slightest. The tag is unwarranted. If you want dark, go read Eyes Without a Face.

If she wants to scare foals, just wait till Nightmare Night. Whooo-boy, the mischief she could get up to on that holliday, not to mention gorge on sweets (because bugpones love sweets). On the other hand, how long till she screws up and gets cornered by the Elements? Kind of hoping it'll be them and not the guard as they tend to shoot first and shoot again before asking questions.

Curious. She scares them yet she likes them?

Ri2

Ten bits?! What a rip-off!

Great fic. I hope Chrysie finds some peace someday though! Not necessarily as a neon deer mind you, but I feel like our filly friend was spot on in her observations here. Bed Bug needs a happy ending, eventually. Hope there's more to come!

NBD, you've done it again :pinkiehappy:

I did briefly wonder, when Golden Oats' mother turned up and was obviously Buggywug in disguise, if this might have a twist ending revealing itself as a prequel to The Mother Of Many Faces, but then I quickly realised that Golden Oats and Nightingale didn't really line up in age, personality, or one of them having a name.

The rippling skin was a very cool idea, as was the hands holding the yearbook changing colour.

I really hope you find a way to continue these stories that isn't just repeating the same thing - I thought you did really well completely differentiating this from the first story, I just can't think what other scenarios might be narratively available :twilightoops:

Still, if anypony can fill a cave with treasure, it's the one who commits identity theft professionally, right?

Also, the Twysalis fan in me needs to point out that to some ponies, a cave of books is filled with treasure :twilightsmile:

8273254 Glad you enjoyed it. :twilightsmile: Yeah, I know a lot of people were wanting more "bug under the bed" type stuff, but... there's really not a lot left there. This route seemed somewhat interesting. Dark, too.

The most I could see would be two more stories. Another random child one and a final one involving the colt from the first story some twenty years later. At the moment, both are just a thin idea and not a full story, so I'll keep'm on the backburner and see what happens. The third one would most likely be "heartwarming" and the last just plain "sad". Spoilers! :unsuresweetie:

8272612 I think it's a power thing. She likes being in control and since the Mane Six have really just kicked her to the curb, any power trip to her is a good trip. She likes tricking others and being manipulative. I actually really like her characterization in the comic books. She loves her kids, but has no problem throwing them around, yelling at them, or just hating them.

And she's funny. :derpytongue2:

8270651 Someone not good? Like someone wanting to turn her in? :fluttershysad: That's an interesting idea.

Yeah, I hoped that part got people curious. My biggest worry was that at 1k words into the story, we still hadn't gotten any Cave Bug. But the thing is that we still had to set up everything and convince Golden Oats to actually go in the cave. Not just, "Get in there, you!" "Okay!"

Also... another DARK story featured? :pinkiegasp: I must be popular enough to get away with stuff now! Coming up next... the clopiest of cloppy clop involving ten thousand Sombras! :pinkiecrazy:

8270607 That picture is great. Maybe it'll show up in another story. :trixieshiftright:

8269669 Everyone wants a happy ending. :rainbowlaugh: Haven't you read my past work?

8269064 I would say you are correct. :eeyup:

8273471

Everyone wants a happy ending.

This seems apropos:

Reverend Peyton's Big Damn Band - We Deserve a Happy Ending

8273464

Like someone wanting to turn her in?

Hmm yeah that could work. I was meaning more along the lines of we've had two nice kids. Now what if it was a bully or something of that nature.

Also, don't even joke like that mister. I need my mysterious, dark and thought provoking fix. My other writer for that left a few months back.

may I make a suggestion have Chrysalis actually meet with Cheerilee in the third one a week before Nightmare Night and have her actually show up on Nightmare Night to scare the crap out of them when they go to the nightmare statue to offer up the candy have chrysalis reveal herself to actually be the statue this would be after Starlight glimmer and all the others changed Thorax and the rest of the changelings into whatever they are now it could be said that Cheerilee already knows who Chrysalis is and that's why Chrissy looks like Cheerilee in this one if you've placed this after that episode.

8273464
She sounds conflicted and self contradictory.

Because of shapeshifters, my family would bleed each other every time we got separated! Cuz changeling blood is green! And so is alien blood from those aliens in "Strange Invaders"...

Anyway, it worked pretty well until the anemia started... :twilightoops:

So Chrysalis is a top tier prankster? I'm actually ok with this.

Boo!

You know, Chrysalis, can only keep this up for so long before, Luna, comes after her for messing with the children.:moustache:

You know, I think she is just a huge troll, but slso lonely as hell. And note she got her wish, and the treasure she sought.

Has 10 bits become a symbol for a tragic ending?

:trollestia:

Long story made short: Chrysalis manipulated the colt into pouring out a large quantity of love, and in return paid him 10 bits.

8286726
The exchange rate between Equestrian bits and USD comes out to around one bit to .35 cents, or 10 bits to about tree-fiddy.

8304513

That's what Equestria gets for letting Celestia print bits all willy-nilly.

Set

These are amazing, please dont stop!

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