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Having been hit by the rainbow caused by Twilight and the girls; Sunset finds herself cursed and abandoned in the human world. Not wanting to deal with both the inevitable retaliation of the students and the curse, Sunset makes the decision to transfer. Now she has to deal with the rest of her school life in a new environment until the portal opens once more. All the while dealing with problems the curse has created for her along with unwanted memories of her past.
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Interesting start so far. I actually had this idea in reverse awhile back, where Sunset was originally male (probably named Dusk Shine), but partly due to all of Twilight's friends being female, and partly to strip him of part of his identity, the Elements turned him into Sunset Shimmer, maybe rewriting everyone else's memories, or maybe not. Curious to see where this one goes.
What does Sunset look like very femine looking still?
If I recall he could tell the difference when he spoke, so his voice must sound the same still, that points to being femine looking as well.
7761762
Yea, I did make Sunset seem like that but It's mainly because when I read stories that have gender swapping and stuff like that it seems like the MC just goes full girl or guy right off. I wanted to keep the same kind of appearance for this one as I'm thinking more along the lines of the curse just changing her gender and not much else. Whether or not she'll grow into being a guy or stay true to how she's lived is something I don't really know yet as I usually just write on the fly.
Must everyone swears like that? I got no problem with the concept, which I think is really cool, but its a bit distracting with Sunset uncharacterically cussing everyline.
7774217
I get where you're coming from but it's a kid's show which means no one actually swears anywhere on it. It might not be an exact duplicate of the one on the show but I'm trying to make it seem as realistic (despite it being EQG) as possible. Hence, I think, given the way Sunset's character is (the bad girl) she'd more than likely swear a pretty often in her daily activities. I'll try to tone it down if it actually seems like it's every line but I'm not going to change it if I think it fits the character.
That said, I'm happy to know you enjoyed it thus far. Thank you for that and the critique.
Insert a comma before “not” such that it reads …“out of trouble, not be”…
Interesting concept, I shall be following it.
I still have yet to find a way to get this site to accept interobangs; it's annoying. However, whilst the site continues to fight the proper usage of punctuation I would urge you just of use a question mark. It's not proper form to use more than one set of punctuation at a time.
Aside from that the story continues to be interesting. I feel that you are moving slightly too fast (an offence which -admittedly- I have been accused of myself), but the character development seems to be progressing along just fine. I await the next chapter.
7778814
7778831
I'll make the correction for both. I'm still struggling to get punctuation down correctly but I'm a far cry better than I used to be way before I started to write. As for the progression, I'm guilty of doing it and find it hard to notice when I do it. Mind giving an example for where I do so? Please keep in mind to keep it spoiler free. Thanks in advance.
7778872
I think the largest one is how quickly you jump to Sunset starting at her new school. The other one that really got me was how quickly she moved through her classes; she went straight from the dean's office, to her class, to an argument with her teacher, to having to fight off touchy-feely girls, to the library. While it's not terrible (I'm probably guilty of way worse), it does hurt your ability to show how she is reacting to each situation and to really get in her head. My efforts to change this have been largely just cutting the number of scenes for each chapter in half while maintaing the same word count, this increases the description that I do of each scene, by reducing the scenes per chapter, thereby making each scene more important.
7778951
I get it now. Yea, I can see how that can be the case. I'll try to do as you suggest and see how it comes out as I'm currently working on the next chapter. I want to continue this bout of writing for as long as I can because I want to finish and continue my other stories as well. Thanks for the advice and for enjoying it thus far. If you have any more suggestions like this feel free to let me know.
7778992
Sure thing, I'll be watching.
Gee I wonder who Samantha Shy is related to?
7856483
Oh man, I can feel the sarcasm through the internet. The profile pic helps with that too.
7856496
And I thought I was being subtle.
Sheesh...what an asshole.
Oh snap!
She's definitely going to try something that's going to bite her later on.
That was sadly predictable. Sunset was out of line in his actions and reactions, but he was dead right about what Cadance did, as opposed to intended, in setting up the situation.
She knowingly put a vulnerable girl into the way of someone with a history of bullying, who she knew had previous reason to dislike her, or rather her mirror image. Either Sunset was still a bully, in which case SciTwi was put into a position that risked her wellbeing and safety, or he was trying to change, in which case putting him with SciTwi was effectively rubbing his face in his mistakes and not allowing him a chance to heal and move on. Guaranteed disaster waiting to happen either way.
Edit: Corrected gender pronouns.
Was never really a fan of the gender switch with the exception of maybe scoots being a male wile every on thinks he's female and Aria blaze but now it seems sunset will be added to this really short list
Why is it every time I fine a great story I burn through the story in 1 sitting?
8403801
I agree. Even for Dash this is a bit more like spite-revenge for everything Sunny did and not really going with her element.
More pls
Favorited and following
, just in case it is ever concluded.
Love the hat/love relationship between Sunset and the landlord.
This is sooo good omg.
So like...new chapters happening? I got attached to the story.
Sunset just had her sex changed against her will and they think putting a shadow of the person who did this on her/him is a good idea. Are they nuts?
I hope for more!!!!
so its 2021 no news update and are you still there
You dont know jack
Favoritism much?
Oh hell, you can never escape
Who are you to judge, pride bitch?
interesting start
well this really does have legs.
wow Cadence sure set Sunset up to fail.
well time to remeet Fluttershy
WOOOOO! I found this living!
I’m with rainbow dash on this one.
FINALLY!!! Someone did it.
Bonnie is officially my favorite character.
I hope someone put sunset in her place.
I’m pretty sure it’s you.
Technically, the old sunset didn’t die. There were just some modifications.
That’s not so bad.
Maybe a little bit of both.
Technically, you did it to yourself.
Why is he blaming everyone but himself?
11112058
Everyone favors someone.
I enjoy bonnie.
She’s not wrong.
Again, not wrong.
Are you gonna give sunset a sob story?
11112067
Technically, she’s not wrong.
8551596
Honestly, I don’t blame her.
11311136
You know what? You're right. *presses button*
Tactical nuke! Incoming!
11312895
Is that a nuke for everyone?
11315493
These nukes are rated E for everyone.