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It was a night just like the one before, Spike was cleaning and Twilight was studying and beginning another letter to Celestia. Another letter detailing something she had learned, another letter that asked the princess questions, another letter that went unanswered.
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Quite impressive. Are you going to continue the tale, maybe using hillbe's clever suggestion?
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7009221
Well, it really is just a one-shot kind of story. Though I do have something along the lines of such a plot but, it involves different characters completely. I might continue it if it receives enough positive feedback.
There's only one reason I can think of why Princess Celestia hasn't been answering. Something bad must've happened to her.
7010452
Well, that is certainly a possibility, however, my whole thought process for the story is that Celestia did receive the letters and read them as well but, never bothered replying.
For once, I'm not sure what to think. The potential of the story is very interesting. I mean, having Twilight being suddenly blocked by Celestia and trying her best to understand what happened or if something happened at all. And all the time, keeping the reader from knowing the reason, allowing a strong identification with Twilight.
To be honest, the concept is so awesome to me I'm kicking myself for having never thought of it. It makes a perfect parallel with the teenagers' tendency to interact with social media, making a huge deal out of a change of status or the lack of immediate answer and such.
But when it comes to the execution... please understand that I'm giving you my opinion in the hope it might help you. Otherwise, ignore anything I'm going to say. I'm not even in any real position to "give advice" on a story.
First: the tone transition felt very abrupt. The whole beginning was pretty joyful with many little jokes here and there and I guess you had the intention to make a good contrast with the ending, But the transition happens just after Twilight explains something about her friends and how she herself is going back to thinking the way she used to, and then comes:
The "this is happening" instinctively refers to "I'm going back to thinking the way I used to" and I imagine you wanted to show to the reader she is revealing the true reason of her sadness. Yet as a reader, I needed more hints or information to really understand what was going on. I blocked there because I was trying to find out how failing Celestia could have any impact on her relationship with her friends. Even now I'm not sure to fully understand how the whole situation began.
If you had told me at the beginning that the situation had begun since Twilight had sent a letter to Celestia, even as a hidden hint, I would have probably understood the whole thing better. I could have made the connection or even just discovered the hint through a second reading...
Second: I admit it, I simply don't understand Spike's last words for Celestia. It's not bad. I like the attitude you are giving him. But as much as I always enjoy someone having the balls to speak his mind to someone else (even more when that someone else is incredibly powerful), I can't sympatize with the feeling. I mean, I have no reason to think Celestia did anything wrong. I would have understood if it came from Twilight, but Spike is shown through the whole story as reasonable, so watching him suddenly cry and hating Celestia for no apparent reason (because I still can't see any reason that was given to me) is pretty weird. I guess you wanted to have him react because he would hate to see Twilight in such a state, but you never showed he didn't realize there is little reason to blame Celestia. In fact, you showed him in more of a "Seriously Twilight, you're taking this whole thing too seriously" attitude. Like in lesson zero.
In both cases, what I'm saying is that I would have needed more information to fully understand what you wanted to say and make me feel.
Basically an information about the fact Twilight had sent a letter at the very beginning of the whole thing and an information explaining Spike's reaction. Maybe some hints that the situation is hard for him to endure. Or more details on his reactions through the story, showing how Twilight's state is affecting him. A few adjectives here and there, in a gradation through the story.
I mean, just before the transition from the fun tone to the sad tone, you write:
There is no indication that Spike is weary, or worried, or tired. You do say it's going to be the last time, so there is that idea of giving up, but it's more in a "there is no point in talking to a stone wall" way than a "I can't stand what his happening to my friend" way.
Well, those are the two main points I wanted to give you. It's just my opinion, maybe everybody else will tell you there is no problem whatsoever, but that's how I "lived" reading your story. A lot of good idea and a heck of a good concept, but a lack of information that prevented me from staying invested in what was happening.
I truly hope you won't take my remarks too badly. My precedent experiences tend to show it's a bad idea to try to offer criticism on someone else's story...
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Well, damn man. I seriously didn't think anyone would analyze the story this much. Though since you did I can say that I really appreciate it. I understand where you are coming from as far as more information is needed. I wanted to re-write the story so many times before having it post but, in the end, decided against it. I mean, it's really supposed to be a one-shot kind of story with few details. I wanted to entertain while showing my views as to how Twilight might respond to Celestia simply not answering. I do get that I ended it without explaining much of Spike's views but, I wanted this mainly for Twilight. I might re-write it at some point in the future but, right now I have several other short stories along with Paradox Scholar to work on. Not to mention research for Scholar is taking some time. In the end, though, if I happen to have some free time I'll work on the re-write and maybe make it into a full-length story. Thanks for reading it and your comment.
Good story, nicely written.
But...
It makes me wonder why Twilight wouldn't be just as concerned if something might have happened to her since she isn't replying to her.
7010995
Well, my thoughts on that part are that Twilight knows the Princess is fine since the Sun keeps rising and no one has come to tell her that Celestia is in trouble then she must still be fine. In my head since lesson zero, it seems like Twilight has way too many insecurities that it clouds her mind. The usually panic mode she has would be curbed a bit since lesson zero but, that doesn't mean it gets rid of anxiety and racing thoughts that I think she already has in the first place. Again, thanks for reading and these comments are really starting to make me want to re-write it/ make it a full story.
7010512 Okay. I'm curious about why not.
7014663
Well, the way I see it is that with the tasks of taking care of a nation, politics, treaties and keeping track of possible dangers. Friendship reports would really not be as important when you think about it. I mean, if you kept getting a letter each and every time on a weekly basis then I would think it would get old real quick. The fact that in "Lesson Zero" she tells them to send a report when it happens just leads me to believe that it really isn't at the top of her list to respond. I mean if the only times she contacts Twilight is to inform her of big events or incoming evil then it just makes me think she doesn't respond otherwise.
7014826 Okay. While I don't agree with you there, it does make sense.
In the show, Celestia only writes Twilight when she has to. She seldom sends replies unless they're necessary. That said, I would think that Celestia, unless she is away dealing with diplomatic duties, would have wrote something before the first twenty. Even then, unless she had no way of receiving a letter or for some reason unable to send a reply, she would have written her back after the fiftieth one. Now, over four hundred and fifty letters lately and STILL no response? What the hell is Celestia waiting for? Letters or visits from Twilight's friends/family to rip her a new one and/or kick her flank all the way to Ponyville?