When a student with a bad attitude returns to Crystal Prep, expected to compete in the Friendship Games. Not too thrilled about it, Dark Steele puts up with the new students he is grouped with. Although, he finds interest in one particular he relates to. Follow Dark as he goes through a life changing experience and feelings… Love and friendship.
Great thanks to my friend CosmicAlchemist for being my editor
A huge thanks to UnscrewedUnicorn for the new cover for this story. Her artwork is AMAZING!
All Ocs belong to their proper owners (Mostly POME Members). I do not own MLP EG, that belongs to Hasbro.
Chapters (13)
This I think is the start to a great story...excellent work and welcome to the group.
Just when I thought my desire to shoot principal cinch right between the eyes couldn't get any stronger, she pulls this shit. But on a different topic I don't know who you are dark but you seem like my kind of person.
7665055 Thank you very much Celtic
7665077 no problem man! If you ever need help with anything, feel free to let me know.
7665080 will do
Good job! This story, I like!
A very great start for a story, I have to say I think this will be a very great story, and I wish you good luck.
Good start dark. I see a good story starting. Light: good luck in the games. If you need any help here I'll be glad to assist that is if you're not a jerk like most CP students. Rapid: hey dark.if you need a friend I could be one to you. I'm not like the other students at this school.
Welcome to the group Dark! Great first chapter, I like it how Dark Steele stands up to the Principal.
Lone: I like him already, I have only one thing to say to him:
data.whicdn.com/images/238278825/large.gif
I enjoyed reading that. I'm looking forward to seeing where you go with Dark.
7665222 I will try to keep the language to teen rating.
Dark: No promises
You will do as I say so. Or else
Okay, so I've taken a look at what you have so far and while it's certainly not bad, I do have a couple of critiques:
1. Character name - seems needlessly edgy to me. I mean, Dark Steele? Just to make sure, we're not talking about the Magic: the Gathering archetype, are we? Now, I have a friend with Steele as his middle name, so that's not difficult to digest, but literally naming him Dark? I can't say I'm a fan of that. I'd aim for something a little more subtle but that's just my opinion.
2. Dark's design - this...
...just seems over-the-top. The style suits his name for sure but both kind of slap me in the face with angst and edginess. Kind of off-putting but that's just me: I prefer a more understated character. To me, that makes his triumphs seem much more meaningful. Because of that, he doesn't seem believable, which in turn doesn't make him relate-able.
Also, unless the situation absolutely demands it, descriptions of what a character is wearing isn't that helpful to the narrative. Just sayin'.
Besides that, I think the most interesting aspect of the story so far was that fact that he was languishing in Saddle Arabia. Make sure you expand on that a lot, otherwise it'll seem like an arbitrary factoid thrown in simply to make Dark distinguishable from a lot of similar characters. You might think that what you've done so far is enough to do that but I would add some traits that a reader might not expect. Make him colorblind or something, anything to make him stand out for better reasons than he likes to brood a lot, which is a trait that a lot of writers seem to default to when writing characters. Just a word of caution.
Other than that, keep going and we'll see what happens. Have a great evening.
Haven't read it yet, but just seeing the name Dark. Just makes me think of this.
img07.deviantart.net/26d2/i/2014/307/f/0/darkiplier_by_sibbies-d856pdg.jpg
7667506 well then... okay then.
7667712 IDK, I watch a lot of Markiplier. Watching Jack, Mark, Bob and Wade play Prop Hunt and walk around like idiots.
7668066 lol I love those guys
7668112 Yeah, watching the cornfield episode on Jack's channel.
I'm interested to see where this goes.
Oddly sexual. Other hhan that I love it. Cadence is cool, and Shining is in character. Dark Steele is a well established and relatable guy. Cinch is great...overall, I love it!
Huh, it's only the first chapter and I already want Cinch to rot in Hell. Excellent start.
7708929 thanks
At least their conflict didn't escalate too quickly.
Seriously, that would've been really bad.
So does this take place before Friendship Games?
It didn't go as crazy as I expected it to be. Now I'm much more excited for the next chapter!
Lone: Wow he has guts! Standing up to Sour Sweet. Why can't I be like him?
Because you have patience and you try to stay more polite to others. Cool chapter BTW. Curious for the next one.
Great chapter man! I guess you could say that was a sour-sweet ending....
Booo!! Get off the stage!! But seriously props Dark for not slugging Sour, even if it is long overdue. But then again, my solution for my problems either ends up in me needing bail money and/or hospitalization for the other person.
7712291 Yes it does
7713527 He probably would have if I didn't try to stop them from fighting.
7722345 Lilac: He would not. He hasn't struck a single girl in his life.
Dark: Anything can change
7722357 From what I saw before I stepped in, it looked like a fight was gonna happen.
7722360 Well you saved that girl from a beating
You wouldn't have done anything no matter what happened.
7722368 I may not like to fight, but I can finish one if I need to.
7722373 You wouldn't dare fight me.
Boys, knock it off. I don't want to have to listen to another fight today.
7722403 I don't want to fight you, Dark. I hate fighting. All I'm saying is I will fight if I have to.
7722427 Dark rolls his eyes and walks away: And you'd lose!
Sorry Eclipse. He's just in a bad mood... Well technically he always is.
7722454 *sighs* Just be glad he doesn't know the Satsui no Hado. He'd be like Akuma in no time.
7722460 I'm gonna pretend I know what you just said.
7722510 It means the Surge of Murderous Intent, and Akuma uses that power to kill his foes.
7722516 Once again, I'm gonna pretend I know what you just said.
Wow this story is starting to get really interesting already
Drayce: Tch I like that attitude of yours kid you teach Cinch a think or two.
Great chapter best part about it about when Dark completely owns Sour Sweet
Drayce: Tch this is why people do not ever make Dark angry
Wow this is surprising! Two people who hate each other are starting to come around. Well done with this chapter man!
Lone: I always wondered why Sour Sweet was acting so agressive sometimes. Maybe you can help her Dark?
7810460 Or rather, they help each other. But thats not working out so well right now.
I don't know, you're both hot-headed, you both tend to cause trouble wherever you go, and you both have mental issuess; you're perfect for each other!
All for humor.
7810507 That's the idea. Neither of them want to admit it though.
Dark: I meant every word I said
7810663 Sour Sweet: Yeah! It's not like I like him or anything! Dummy!
So when are you two going to kiss?
7810663
7810779
Oh God why do I have the feeling these two are going to compete against Gaige and Flash as the most toxic relationship
Damn this is getting interesting I wonder what's Dark reaction when He and Sour Sweet are partners for the Friendship Games
Drayce: So it looks like You and Sour will be partners together in the Friendship Games I wonder how will this work out for the both of you
shouldn't that be shut in?
Aaaaannnnd, here come the-
BOOOOMMM!
Fireworks...
What? I like tnt.
Come now, Krad, surely that was uncalled for?
Uh... Just ignore them...? Totally not shards of my mind that I have no control over that are named Krad and Th'gil! *nervous laughter*
7810968 Well I know they aren't kissing anytime soon. Way too early. Oops.
Dark hates me at the moment, more than he hates Sour Sweet.
Dark: Hmm I wonder why. No way am I ever going to like her, nevermind kiss
You will if Cosmic and I have anything to say about it.