Returning Home
“Attention passengers, we are now arriving at Canterlot station. Those planning to exit the train please gather your belongings and exit through the door.” The train conductor said over the intercom.
As soon as that was said, a young man stood up and grabbed a large suitcase. He had peach skin, piercing dark blue eyes, blue and black striped hair. He was wearing a black leather jacket, a white t-shirt, blue jeans, black shoes and a blue ring on his right hand. He had a symbol of a dark blue gem with a cursive D on his shirt.
“Finally, home sweet home.” He said in a low tone. He then walked over to the train doors and waited for them to open. “Hmmm, I wonder how much has changed since I’ve been away?” He asked himself. Soon the train doors opened and he began to walk off the train.
“Oh Dark, over here!!” The boy now known as Dark turned to see Dean Cadance waving at him. Dark gave her a small smile and walked over to her.
“Hey Cady, how are you doing?” Dark asked.
“I’m doing fine, how have you been?” She asked.
“Same as always.” He said.
Cadance smiled at him and gave him a hug, “Welcome home, Dark.” She said.
“Come on Cady, we’re in public.” Dark said trying to push her away.
“What you’re not happy to see your old babysitter?” Cadance asked giving Dark a sad look.
“Cady I just got here, don’t start guilt tripping me until I’ve settled in.” Dark said walking past her, “Besides, that was years ago.”
Cadance pouted for a bit before putting a smile on her face, “Ok ok, I’ll leave you alone. Come on, Shining Armor is waiting for us out front.” Cadance said.
Dark nodded and began to follow Cadance.
“How’s Midnight and Lilac doing?” Cadance asked as they walked.
“Mom’s doing ok. And so’s Lilac.” Dark said.
“Where are they anyways?” Cadance asked.
“They’re back at home finishing unpacking at home.” Dark explained, “They sent me instead.”
“Oh ok. How was Saddle Arabia, I bet you had a great time.” Cadance said.
“Eh, it was... alright.” Dark said shrugging his shoulders.
“What no details?” Cadance asked.
“Nothing to tell, I moved, I went to school there for two years, and now I'm back.” Dark said.
“You haven't changed one bit, you always got to keep to yourself.” Cadance said rolling her eyes.
“That's just how I am Cady.” Dark said, “So how's Twily doing these days?” Dark asked.
“She doing quite well actually, still a bit of a shut it though.” Cadance said.
“Really now, I fully expected her to crack under the pressure of being around so many strict stiffs in that prep school of hers.” Dark said with a chuckle.
“Well you know Twilight, she likes to keep to herself. Not only that she's thinking of going to college early.” Cadance said.
“Why?” Dark asked curiously.
“She….feel that Crystal Prep doesn't have anything else to offer her.” Cadance said looking down
Dark raised an eyebrow at this, “Did you talk to her about this?” he asked.
“Um..well-” Cadance started
“Dark, Cadance over here.” Someone called.
Dark and Cadance looked to see Shining Armor waving at the two from his car.
“Hey Shining! Look we can talk about this later. Right now, let’s just take you home so you can get settled in.” Cadance said with a smile.
Dark wanted to to press the subject, but decided not to, “Whatever, let’s just go.” He said walking to car.
“Hey Dark, long time no see.” Shining said as Dark got into the back seat of the car.
“Good to see you to Shining, how have you been?” Dark asked putting his seatbelt on.
“I’m doing good, Welcome home buddy.” Shining said with a smile.
“Thanks.” Dark said looking out the window. Cadance got into the front seat of the car and put on her seatbelt.
“Alright next stop Crystal Prep.” Cadance said.
“Mhmm.” Dark said still looking out the window.
“You could at least sound more enthusiastic Dark.” Shining said starting the car.
“Whoo hoo, extra hoo.” Dark said boringly. Shining rolled his eyes and started the car.
“You haven’t changed one bit.” Shining said.
“Nope.” Dark said with a smirk. Cadance smiled at the two.
“Just like old times.” She said to herself.
Timeskip
“Alright we’re here.” Shining said parking his car. Dark looked out the window to see Crystal Prep Academy in all its arrogant glory.
“Alright let’s go.” Dark said getting out of the car. Cadance and Shining did the same and they all walked to the school doors.
“You ready to see Principal Cinch again Dark?” Cadance asked.
“Oh yea, seeing Ms. Reputation again will surely brighten up my day.” Dark said sarcastically.
“Dark I know you and Principal Cinch didn’t see eye to eye during your freshman year.” Cadance said putting her hand on his shoulder.
“That’s putting it mildly.” Dark growled.
“But you need to be the better person and not let her get to you, believe me I know how irritating she can be.” Cadance sain with a smile.
Dark just took a deep breath and shrugged his shoulders, “Fine whatever.” He said.
“Good now come on, Shining we’ll see you later ok.” Cadance said opening the door.
“Alright good luck Dark, you’re going to need it.” Shining said.
“Gee thanks.” Dark said following Cadance. As they were walking, Dark looked around the school and saw so many prim and proper students walking around.
“Ugh I hate this place.” Dark said to himself. The two soon found themselves in front on Principal Cinch’s office.
“Ready?” Cadance asked.
“Let’s just get this over with.” Dark said.
Cadance nodded and knocked on the door.
“Enter.” A voice on the other side said.
Cadance opened the door and walked in with Dark right behind her. After they entered the office and Dark closed the door behind him, Cadence gave him a sign to take a seat in front of the desk of Principal Cinch. Dark nodded and went over to the seat.
“I know you’re trying to intimidating with the whole ‘Dark Office’ thing, but it’s just coming off lame.” Dark said as he sat down.
The chair turned around, revealing the Principal with her arms crossed. She had light blue skin, her hair has many different purple streaks all tied up in a bun, except for one curl in the front, fuchsia eyes and red glasses. She also wears pearl earrings, a necklace around her neck, a dark blue blazer including a dark blue skirt with long dark pink stockings and dark blue high heels.
“Mr. Steele.” Principal Cinch said.
“Abacus.” Dark said crossing his arms.
“Dark behave.” Cadance said.
Dark rolled his eyes, “It’s good to see you again, Principal Cinch.” he growled.
“Yes I’m sure, now then on to business. Do you know why you have returned to Crystal Prep?” Cinch said.
“I’m guessing because your school’s precious reputation is at stake.” Dark said.
“You could say that, you see the Friendship Games are coming up and we need someone on your….. Caliber to compete.” Cinch said.
Dark knew this was coming and took a deep breath, “Let me get this straight, you kick me out of here during my Freshman year, force me, my mother, and sister to move to Saddle Arabia, and now you want, no expect me to compete in some stupid game?” Dark asked angrily.
“In a word, yes.” Cinch said. Dark then got up and walked over to her desk.
“Well I got three words for you, GO TO HELL!” Dark yelled.
“Dark!” Cadance said going over to him only to have Cinch stop her.
“If that’s how you feel then Mr.Steele then I won’t stop you, but tell me how was your time in Saddle Arabia?” Cinch asked.
“Like you give a damn.” Dark growled.
“Oh but I do, that’s why I’m offering you a choice. If you join the Friendship Games I will give your mother back her job at the school and you can move back to the city. But if you don’t I have to use a few of my connections to move your family to another place hmm….how’s Vanhoover sound Mr. Steele?” Cinch asked with a smirk. Dark was about to lose it not only did she threaten him, but now his family too.
“Principal Cinch, that’s taking things too far.” Cadance said angrily.
“I’m only doing what is right for this school Dean Cadance. Now Mr. Steele make your choice, I know your mother can’t handle another move much less find a new job.” Cinch said.
Dark was completely snagged, he couldn’t risk his mother moving again.
“Fine, I’ll join your little game.” Dark growled in defeat.
“Excellent, Dean Cadance please give Mr. Steele new uniforms for him and his sister. And contact his mother. She may return to working here again.” Cinch said as she pulled out some papers from her desk.
“Yes Principal Cinch, come on Dark.” Cadance said.
Dark gave Cinch on final glare before leaving with Cadance. As they left Cinch’s office, Dark and Cadance both walked in silence for a bit.
“Are you alright?” Cadance asked.
All Dark did was shake his head and cross his arms.
“Look I know you're angry but-” Cadance was saying, but was quickly cut off.
“Oh I am beyond angry Cady, I am borderlined pissed right now!” Dark growled, “She knows I put my family before myself! She’s using my family against me!” He punched a locker, causing a loud bang.
“Calm down, Dark.” Cadance said putting a hand on his shoulder, only to have Dark smack it away.
“Screw that! As soon as these stupid games are over i’m-” Dark began.
“DARK! Tone and language!” Cadance yelled cutting him off.
Dark only growled.
“Look I know you hate this I really do, but you have to do what I told you and not let her get to you. She knows you care for your mother more than yourself so she’s using that against you, remember what happened the last time you let her get to you?” Cadance asked. Dark glared at Cadance for a few seconds before taking a deep breath.
“Yea I do...sorry.” Dark said looking down. Cadance then gave him a small hug.
“It’s ok, come on let’s go to my office and eat something.” Cadance said. Dark raised an eyebrow at what she said.
“Don’t you mean let’s get something to eat then go to your office?” Dark asked.
“Nope. One of the perks of being the Dean, I get my own personal refrigerator.” Cadance said with a smile.
Dark looked at Cadance for a few seconds before giving her a small smile, “I’m not even going to ask why you would even want a fridge in your office.”
Cadance giggled and the two proceeded to her office.
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This I think is the start to a great story...excellent work and welcome to the group.
Just when I thought my desire to shoot principal cinch right between the eyes couldn't get any stronger, she pulls this shit. But on a different topic I don't know who you are dark but you seem like my kind of person.
7665055 Thank you very much Celtic
7665077 no problem man! If you ever need help with anything, feel free to let me know.
7665080 will do
Good job! This story, I like!
A very great start for a story, I have to say I think this will be a very great story, and I wish you good luck.
Good start dark. I see a good story starting. Light: good luck in the games. If you need any help here I'll be glad to assist that is if you're not a jerk like most CP students. Rapid: hey dark.if you need a friend I could be one to you. I'm not like the other students at this school.
Welcome to the group Dark! Great first chapter, I like it how Dark Steele stands up to the Principal.
Lone: I like him already, I have only one thing to say to him:
data.whicdn.com/images/238278825/large.gif
I enjoyed reading that. I'm looking forward to seeing where you go with Dark.
7665222 I will try to keep the language to teen rating.
Dark: No promises
You will do as I say so. Or else
Okay, so I've taken a look at what you have so far and while it's certainly not bad, I do have a couple of critiques:
1. Character name - seems needlessly edgy to me. I mean, Dark Steele? Just to make sure, we're not talking about the Magic: the Gathering archetype, are we? Now, I have a friend with Steele as his middle name, so that's not difficult to digest, but literally naming him Dark? I can't say I'm a fan of that. I'd aim for something a little more subtle but that's just my opinion.
2. Dark's design - this...
...just seems over-the-top. The style suits his name for sure but both kind of slap me in the face with angst and edginess. Kind of off-putting but that's just me: I prefer a more understated character. To me, that makes his triumphs seem much more meaningful. Because of that, he doesn't seem believable, which in turn doesn't make him relate-able.
Also, unless the situation absolutely demands it, descriptions of what a character is wearing isn't that helpful to the narrative. Just sayin'.
Besides that, I think the most interesting aspect of the story so far was that fact that he was languishing in Saddle Arabia. Make sure you expand on that a lot, otherwise it'll seem like an arbitrary factoid thrown in simply to make Dark distinguishable from a lot of similar characters. You might think that what you've done so far is enough to do that but I would add some traits that a reader might not expect. Make him colorblind or something, anything to make him stand out for better reasons than he likes to brood a lot, which is a trait that a lot of writers seem to default to when writing characters. Just a word of caution.
Other than that, keep going and we'll see what happens. Have a great evening.
Haven't read it yet, but just seeing the name Dark. Just makes me think of this.
img07.deviantart.net/26d2/i/2014/307/f/0/darkiplier_by_sibbies-d856pdg.jpg
7667506 well then... okay then.
7667712 IDK, I watch a lot of Markiplier. Watching Jack, Mark, Bob and Wade play Prop Hunt and walk around like idiots.
7668066 lol I love those guys
7668112 Yeah, watching the cornfield episode on Jack's channel.
I'm interested to see where this goes.
Oddly sexual. Other hhan that I love it. Cadence is cool, and Shining is in character. Dark Steele is a well established and relatable guy. Cinch is great...overall, I love it!
Huh, it's only the first chapter and I already want Cinch to rot in Hell. Excellent start.
7708929 thanks
Wow this story is starting to get really interesting already
Drayce: Tch I like that attitude of yours kid you teach Cinch a think or two.
shouldn't that be shut in?
I want to see a story where Cinch gets put in her place. Every story is the same. "I'm powerful because my family spoiled me and I slept with some politicians" (or whatever her story is). The stories are great, but that introductory idea is kind of stale.
And we're off! So begins my read into another PoME story! Don't know if I'll get through all of them; time is short and obligations a long list. But anyway... This time, it's time to take a look at the story Sour Sweet on the Inside. How does it fare when pit against other stories? Only time will tell.
Because my buring hatred of cinch wasn't strong enough