Bolt Blazer is going into his senior year of high school and is ready for a fun year with his sister and their friends. Then, someone from the past asking for a second chance comes back and rumors start to spread..
Rated Teen for language and some situations
Told in first person, but will shift to third at some points.
Yay! My first story!
First off, I'd like to say, if there are things that need fixing, let me know so I can fix them. I just want to make sure this story is a good one.
Secondly, apologies if it's too cheesy and whatnot.
Chapters (8)
You are really flirting with some Edgy Gary Stu Self-insert tropes.
Good luck.
6847808
I'm trying to stray away from that, but sad to say, I can't seem to escape it.
While the start of the first chapter is building itself up, I'll patiently wait for further chapters to gauge how I feel over all. So far it's not on a great start, and neither is it terribly bad, but there's potential for it to improve. You do seem to have a good handle with spelling, grammar, and the pacing isn't bad either.
I would recommend removing the specifications of the seconds that went by while he stood waiting. As it's not as though he has a stopwatch (or is paying attention to how many seconds have passed.)
I feel these two sentences are clashing. From what I notice, when the description "Shivers went down my spine" is used, it's usually implying someone is cold physically, or something chilling is taking place. Yet he follows it up by the good memories he's had at the school. And while it is possible to shiver and be nostalgic, I would put some form of a description describing the weather or the atmosphere of his current area so it makes more sense.
I could be over doing it, so take my comment as a grain of salt.
More this is good
6849453
I don't think you're over-doing it. Constructive criticism is pretty helpful and what you said are some good points.
I'm still new to this so it could be pretty rough in the beginning.
Thank you for the criticism. Hope to build off of that.
6849650 I understand, and you're welcome. Take your time and I'm sure you'll do fine! I'll be looking forward to the next chapter.
6849895
Thank you very much!
Gonna be thinking about how I'm going to write chapter 2 a lot this week. May come out this weekend or sooner.
aaaaaaawwwwwwww..........adoribale
Good makes me feel happy
The one thing that I have a problem is that your have Bolt's lines and Adagio's lines in the same paragraph. See if you can separate that so we have a better idea of who's talking. Otherwise, it's good so far.
6876519
I can fix that no problem.
Doing a good job. Just one error.
It should be "I couldn't". What you're saying in that sentence is that he want better friends. If you change it, he would be saying that they were the best friends he ever have.
6903522
Whoops, guess I didn't catch that.
I'll fix that. Thank's for pointing that out.
6904072 no prob
Saw a few spelling errors early on, but good chapter. It's nice to see a softer side of Adagio that most writers don't try to do.
7630195 I've noticed, from personal experience, that there is a soft side to everyone, no matter how tough or aggressive they may seem from their exterior.
I thought I'd try and incorporate that.
I give it a fair chance, but I hope the main char is able to have it's own opinion and if he really don't want's to do something, that he doesn't let himself be swayed by Rarity or everyone else.
You don't have to take it that seriously, but in most storys all the girls, but mainly Rarity, Applejack and characters like them can play the main char like a video game.
I hope that sentence makes in english at much sense as I believe it does. Sorry I just like to make some sort of wish before I start a story, I like to read so much that I got dissapointed a lot of times, since I had read many storys so far.
7675957 Completely understood.
I do have plans to fix that, so I thank you for pointing that out.
I am trying to improve in any way I can. So with what you said, I'll take that and work with it.
sooo I can't say if it was a good chapte or if it is your regular writing style, but it was okay. Not to great, but okay.
However I can't say much since this is only the first chapter and I want to give you a fair judgement.
I admit everyone get's me with a scene like that, which you used in the end.
I think you meant Of course I am.
Maybe it is because I'm getting sick, but I can't say that anything felt weird in this chapter. Well it could have been longer sure, but maybe you make a sequel after that, I mean I don't know how long this is going to be, but usually such storys only last a few chapters
I would like a long story.
yeah I agree with others, while she may can read a bit body language, I wouldn't believe her being something like a lie detector, not even with magic as the explanation.
They would actually suprise me, if they would think about something intelligent like : "sorry I don't want to lie, but I'm not sure if I can tell you right now, it is a personal matter.
I'm not sure why I have a bad feeling about this, i don't exactly like it if they just tell something such personal to anyone. I think even if they did the right thing, that it may would be difficult for Adagio to just meet them, maybe she would actually have a rather bad respond to them, just.... well huddle up to her and trying to help her. (not sure if I used the right word there)
I try to explain it as good as I can, but it will probably end up in personal preferences,Anyway good job so far.
...............e.........not sure if I want to touch that one but..., that's probably just me, but of couse to make it easier Celestia has already seen this. I expected him to maybe speak with her about Adagio maybe coming to school again.
Maybe you make it a bit to easy there.
- a principal which already saw everything and knows his mother
- a mother who thinks of everything and even already gave Adagio a new chance at the school
- friends who are very forgiving (nothing wrong with that, but in some storys there would be at least one or two of them that aren't that trusting).
eeerrrrr I think he should have been the one that would have solved some of that stuff to make him appear a bit more special? , sorry I'm sick and feel like I could give you a better explanation otherwise.
meeeh that was kind of okay actually, but I'm not sure if it makes up for how the last chapter felt to me.
how does she knows that?
hhhhmmmm he is better with controlling his emotions like blushing than other chars, even if I don't exactly prefer everything that could like a rushed romance I think it is okay. I mean I don't exactly know reason why it wouldn't work this way this time, sometimes the romance just feels like it is written just right, and sometimes it looks pretty much odd.
our naive little Fluttershy is judging to fast on to little informations.
Maybe I start overreacting now, but they are reacting on everything he does, every movement that seems to be wrong is nearly disaster. He couls just have a bad day.
Maybe he should have offered his bed while he was still awake, it's better for everyone and they don't have to be extra quiet.
For a change I actually say what I liked in a chapter. Given the situation I guess everything is pretty much alright and the blushing no overreaction, since his sister wants to tease him and I image this as a really weird situation.
However I have a question should I image him lying on her, or her lying on him?, since he was apparently sleeping on her hair.
I firgot the main 5 where on her side.
I'm glad I gave it a chance. I have no idea what this was about before anymore, if it looked good in my eyes or if it followed some annoying chlichés.
I can say however that this was quite sweet and something like teasing didn't went to far.
Not sure when I will be able to reread it, so could you maybe tell me in a PM what roughly happened in every chapter?
I'm glad to see this story has returned! I'm looking forward to see how it ends.
Not trying to be rude, but are you planning to continue this story again? Please let me know.
9711685
I have every intention to do so
9717988
Awesome, I really can’t wait to see more soon. I really love this story.
Hi, not trying to be rude, but will this story ever continue again someday? Really I’m not trying to be rude, I’m just asking.
10421391
I plan to, just don't the motivation.
10425217
What do you mean?
10425470
Just haven't had a ton of motivation as of lately
10426144
That’s okay. Just take your time, no rush.
10726945
I mean, he may not be in that protective lover form yet, but he will eventually.
Hi, it’s been two years, I’m not trying to be rude, but do you plan on continuing this story again? I really miss it.
I guess this story is pretty much dead.