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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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8613304
I know. It's a meme.
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Well, a day and some emergency story surgery later, fingers crossed, hoping it goes well with a new installment. Enjoy, readers! And thank you for your feedback and giving us a second chance.
Why do I feel that North or Cayenne is a changeling and up to something?
1. THANK YOU NORTH POINT
2. THANK YOU Twilight for being reasonable.
3. Citrus stop being a bitch, please.
4. Finally some culture push-back and Tim might actually have something in that wet noodle he replaced his spine with, though Silver needs more of a beating.
5. Now to see the princesses pay...
I hope we don't stop the redemption arcs here. It's... a good start, but they are not out of the woods yet.
Kudos for listening to the feedback. I might have been a tad snarky, but I was trying to be constructive. So I am glad the male characters got some character development here.
I kept reading the defense that Tim has no options but to stay. The problem is that he does have options. He can go back to the castle. He has a benefactor in Princess Celestia, who has bestowed him a title and a stipend. At any time, he can go to Celestia, and ask to become an envoy to any other nation. She would have no problem setting up an embassy and a small contingent of guards for him. I don't believe that he knows just how badly he has been manipulated, exploited, and abused here. Perhaps that is on purpose, and it is a near-fatal character flaw on his part. So I hope some character - ANY character, will open his eyes
This chapter's motif is that actions speak louder than words. Considering the mares in this chapter gave a "sorry, not sorry" speech, I'm hoping the following chapters will show their penances and redemptions. Fingers crossed...
Also, is this story supposed to be this misandric? I know it's based on a girl's cartoon, but as I stated in my last comment, this society goes beyond a mere matriarchy.
Ok. Before this chapter came out, I was going to say something about how some of us have limits, and you were basically trying those limits with how you were doing this story. Considering how most authors practically leave us with nothing, make promises that take a lot longer to live up to, you pretty met some expectations for lack of better term.
I gotta say, it's damn better than Lightning Master where mares lock their man in a room and leave him there so he can't eat, drink, speak, or blink but watch his nightmares on screen for ten days.
Or I Treasure Your Love where Spitfire and the Mane 6 humiliate Connor and threaten his masculinity as a means of blackmail.
My point being, this story has no "I instantly forgive for doing this huge thing that shatters my trust" scheisse, but actual consequences apart from the trust issue being displayed...either not heavy enough or too heavy.
That said, I might end up feeling sated because I don't know what to feel.
well this chapter fixed a lot of issues i had good job
Looking at featured led me to .
Someone needs to tell the mares how insulting it is to presume to know what someone else is thinking.
In this case, especially so because it is a male and even someone who grew up as a different species in a different culture.
For example, I think every mare there would be floored if Tim told them everyone in his country buy-in-large treated royalty with the exact same amount of respect that they treated everybody else. That there was no royalty in the country he came from and every one of the rules that ponies live by w.r.t. dealing with the princesses makes zero sense as a result.
8614634
Dude... what the fuck?! First human misanthropy, now human misandry. What the fuck is wrong with the people who write these stories?!
8614650
The worst part is if they have any blow ups, they feel bad for having it, despite being justified.
well i know chapter 19 has a huge cliffhanger at the end but i never guessed you would go to this amount of work to have chapter 20 completed this fast.
this clarifies several things about hearding in general and puts new light on the hole mess over Twilight.
8614678
Oh, this one was written practically in advance. Yesterday was a lot of polishing and rewriting so we could have it up to rectify the clusterfuck that was 19.
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In fact, while some polishing and work was done on this chapter, not all that much was actually changed from the original. Some clarification, yes. But this was all in the plan.
THERE WE GO, THIS is what i've wanted to see. Tim FINALLY growing some balls and isnt afraid to slap some shit into Silver..... though if I was in his shoes my fist would probably connect with Twilight too.
Man... I don't know why... but I probably would have beaten Silver until he goes unconscious, but that's probably just me. A person can only be pushed so far until they snap.
This chapter is starting to make it look like things are moving in the right direction. But from how far things have gone, I seriously doubt that sense and reason will start to take hold anytime soon. For that reason, I'm going to have to retract my like and fav.
8614717
I would love to read a story where a human MAN takes one of these submissive 'weak' stallions into the Everfree and teaches him survival, how to live, how to forage, how to hunt, makes the stallion eat a little meat (ground up), the human toughens the stallion up, "teaches the pony to be a man" sort of thing. In the end, man and stallion emerge from the forest as brothers, the stallion all tough and lean, somewhat aggressive and unwilling to take shit from mares anymore.
8614564
Going to read through this but damn. Can't really provide something truly different and yet what others may want huh?
Will confetti help? ... Probably not...
8614650
I'm really hoping you write one of your lovely short chapter stories about this issues in this fic because the amount of bullshit in this story is insane sometimes.
Why does Citrus not have Twilight have her teach herself how to change into a human?
8614564
Dang it Kalash! I was going to give a plus or minus account but both are listed here!
vignette.wikia.nocookie.net/mlp/images/1/1e/Sweetie_Belle_angrily_shouting_"special%21"_S7E21.png/revision/latest?cb=20171002142117
Meh. Doesn't really matter. Still pretty good.
There's still so much to do, but that's in story. As a reader, I say bravo for you and your editors and advisors. Much of my worries from last chapter were addressed more than I hoped and things are feeling hopeful once more. I eagerly look forward to more of this story and a hopefully rising happiness level.
OMG he said the thing!
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However, I was told that the latter gets better.
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Pet theory: not enough sex.
My Little Pony: Blood Feuds are Magic
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You mean votes? I actually keep pretty good inventory of those along with other story stuffs, unless you mean something else?
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S1 ponystuffs: most unicorns aren't that great with magic, except in their special talent. Twilight is very unusual in that her special talent IS magic.
Finally Tim man's up! Now GET IN THE FUCKING EVA SHINJI..... Errrrr I mean go get em Tim!! 😂
So Tim finally shows just a bit of the emotion that I would have been feeling, so I feel vindicated somewhat. He finally snaps after two months of being treated like shit by those that claim to love him, and while I think two months is one too long, it's at least plausible. Lately the main has seemed like a bit of a beta, so it's nice to see some spine.
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... Sexual acts coerced through social pressure is rape. Straight-up rape, no weasel words. This isn't a matter of going too far, it's 'Tim has been repeatedly sexually assaulted and emotionally abused'. It ... severely lowers my hopes that this story is going to work out, that you don't seem to see how utterly abhorrent the behaviour of Tim's herd has been written as.
Off to read the new chapter.
All I can thk is that there is no way that Tim is going to let Silver stand in for him in a fight...
... Nowhere to go but up? Christ, this chapter just went down, down, down! A few words from the mares, being provoked into a completely unnecessary fight by a drunken idiot, and Tim just swallows everything done to him, just like that? The constant 'sure, we were mean, but ...' excuse-giving is 'why do you make me gotta hit you?' levels of vile.
'Haven't been treating him fairly'. Sweet Christ. Level with us - are you deliberately writing Tim as repressing the emotional injuries he's suffered with some view to a later pay-off? Because right now, your story is reading more like you don't understand the damage emotional and sexual violence inflicts on its victims. If you're going for 'Tim is internalizing and justifying the abuse as his fault, as abuse survivors so often do' - you're really not hitting the mark.
The picture you're painting here is of a monstrous and contemptible society. I hope that's what you're going for, because if any of the ponies involved are supposed to NOT look like monsters, it's really not working. And this story desperately needs a Dark tag.
I dearly hope that the griffon lady who showed up earlier comes back into the story, because Tim desperately needs a take on his situation from someone who hasn't internalized emotional and sexual abuse as normal the way your ponies apparently have.
8614933
You know, that could be an interesting bit of cultural exchange...
This is a good start but Tim needs to do more than just beat the shit out of Silver. He needs to be showing those mares that he's not going to put up with the abusive shit any longer. He started to regrow that spine of his but he needs to reinforce it. I think he needs to move back into the castle with Celestia and Luna and let the mares think on what they have done to him.
Personally, if I was Tim, I would be getting the hell out of Dodge right now. Cut off all contact with them and Twilight. Only contact I would keep would be with Luna, maybe Celestia, but that's just me.
I won't give this an upvote or downvote just yet as curiosity is keeping me here.....for now.
*Raises hand* I'd like to pound the purple plot.
Why am I suddenly imagining Tim in a red hat and overalls and speaking with a bad Italian accent?
8614975
Been reading this from chapter 1. Was interested on how this would turn out, but from what I've seen of the Mare's interactions with the Stallions, and this last shit-storm with Silver? Frankly, I think this is less Tim's love for them and more Tim's Stolkhome Syndrome for them. This HAS gone into my definition of abusive, by human standards. And the one factor here I think everypony, and even Tim are missing is, Social Norms and customs aren't just something taught in a primer, it's a lifestyle and learned through one's development from childhood onward. At this point, expecting him to react HALF like a stallion, especially with Silver in this last chapter? Yeah...NO.
Frankly, if it was me, that fight would have ended with a true broken wing, a broken jaw on the pony, and my ass GONE! Like the other guy, I'd have gone back to the Princesses, aired my laundry and given as much context as possible. Hell, from where I'm standing that thing with Twilight is looking less like a mistake and more like a chance at a more healthy relationship. At least SHE'S asking the questions about his culture and norms, and even trying to RELATE to him instead of just expecting shit...honestly, THAT'S the bit that bugs me, the EXPECTATIONS!! Gods, sorry this became a rant but HELL I'm not sure I WANT to see this Herd survive now.
North is the ONLY Mare in all this I feel redeems ANY of the mares in the herd, and even then, her Beta position makes that almost moot. Frankly, personal issues aside, if Citrus doesn't come back down and get her shit together and make PROPER apologies to her MAN for this bullshit storm...yeah, No, can't approve of this anymore. And don't get me started on Cadence, I got a laundry list there, but I still need to see how this "I'm an Alicorn/Ruler" thing pans out. It's not looking good for her either to me, but then, at this point i'm kinda out of patience.
Sorry if this sounds petty, hell I KNOW it sounds petty, but other world standards be damned this is just painful. I'll tune in next chapter, but unless I see our two "Lead Mares" eating proper crow I'm gone. Nothing against your story telling method, but sadly the subject just hits too hard and in the worst ways.
To be honest, I’m barely hanging on with this story. I can barely tolerate any of the characters. Tim feels like he’s gone through so much mental and physical abuse, that he faced into Twilight’s seduction mainly because he desperately craves human interaction, solely because the females in his life that claim to love and support him constantly berate him for not fitting their perfect little mold of a “proper stallion”, even though they claim to “understand” that he is not a pony. Yet they still continually force him to conform to their so-called “perfect” society. Sure, they realized they’re treating him unfairly, but they fail to realize just how badly they’ve abused and emotionally tramautized him into falling into the whole trap with Twilight. And then promptly abuse him more for doing so. I just have a hard time seeing this end well, for anyone. Tim should just leave all their asses, move back into the castle, and seek asylum with Luna and Celestia, whom most likely don’t even know about this shite storm.
Great work can't wait for more
Okie Dokie, time to sum up.
I've been reading the story from the beginning and there are two things that make it stand out from other H.I.E. stories: One Good, One Bad.
The cultural setting is absolutely breathtaking. A very intricately detailed culture of ponies that have pulled aspects of herd mentality forward into a flavored parallel of familiar Western culture. Frankly, this is the most interesting and thought-provoking world I have ever read on this site. Just the depth and variety of comments to the chapters show the variety of reactions readers have to this version of Equestrian Society...and the authors have only hinted at the ins and outs of Griffin culture, which I hope to be just as interesting. Bravo!
On the other hand, Tim is an exceptionally bland protagonist. Is he funny? Angry? Jealous? Clever? ... anything? The most intense emotion he's experienced is sadness at missing his old love, which was written in a manner that did not evoke any emotion in me. Your mileage may vary. Up until this chapter, the best description his mates could give on why he was appealing to them was that he was really nice while still in pain in the hospital. Also, he has acted uniformly with compassion at all times with everypony, so along the actions-speak-louder-than-words reasoning, they could find that attractive. The mates felt ambivalent about his insisting to cook and work, so that's not a mark in the plus column. Does anyone reading the story think to themselves "I can imagine myself as Tim and feel pleasure thinking about putting myself in his place and acting as he does."? In short, I don't find Tim to be relatable.
On the Gripping Hand (look it up), the positives far outweigh the negatives for me. The personalities and thought processes of the ponies are buy-and-large very interesting and I have found their actions and dialog to be consistent with their character throughout the various events in the story that change their relationships with each other.
It's a good start.
I won't say this fixes everything. Silver is still not understanding that he's not a damn stallion; I understand the point he was trying to make--Tim needs to be the herd's overall leader--but he went about it in the wrong way, alcohol or not. Hopefully that understanding will keep blooming, with all characters involved.
Anyway, my want to read this has increased, albeit marginally. Keep on.
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Thank you so much for your kind words. I have been working hard to make this into a real seeming world. With Kitsy and Kalash's, and Hart's and a few others input, I've tried to make the characters seem as three dimensional as I can. I write these stories to increase my skill as a writer, because I eventually want to write non pony stories for sale.
That being said, even some of the real rants among the comments has been illuminating, and I'm actually quite surprised by the intensity of the feelings among the commenters here. This is the second story where I've had to work to justify WHY things are going the way they are, and how that works in with the world building.
So, going forward, different plot points are being discussed, and I'm going to do my level best to make this the best damned story that I can. Though your criticism of the leading character being rather bland is also the second (the first being Loop De Loop in Epsilon Pegasus) that I've gotten that from. So, I have been focusing too much on the world around him, and less on him. That will have to change. I will work to flesh out Tim's personality, and show his backbone far better than I have. And I have an editor who will keep me in line on that. ;)
To all who are commenting, I truly appreciate the input on this story! Keep it up, and I hope you all enjoy the clop, and the plot to come!
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Get Tim some Gauntlets and have him take on Shining in place of Silver.
It will be unexpected and I highly doubt Shining has experience in fighting a human.
Especially if he gets them made segmented on the palms so he can grab a blade and adds ridges to the backs like a sword-breaker has.
Finally, I'm enjoying this story again. Here's to hoping Tim doesn't let Silver fight his battles for him, t'would be very inhuman. Even if the fight is with a master swordsman he has something no pony has.
North Point...Silver...Will both of you be more happier if you both simply just left this unhealthy herd and live together as the true couple? Both of you care and love for each other well and the reason both of you join the herd is because you want to be with each other...It's not Tim that you both truly decide...
You both might be more happier to freely live and love each other without having this so call "lead mare" rule over you...
At least they finally did away with the draining, that made absolutely no sense and it was incredibly disturbing, infinitely more so than the issue with Twilight. For 2 months? Talk about cruel and unusual. Also why don't they just fully explain their herd customs to him instead of only informing him after he messies up something he wouldn't know since his not a pony. Every conflict in this story is due to both human and ponies not talking about relevant topics until it's a huge problem.