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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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The thought of more stallions in the herd still makes me apprehensive.
7881260 Why is that? I don't currently plan on Tim jumping into bed with any stallions.
Im thinking a job possibility would be something in the area of managing logistics. He used to drive trucks so he most have some idea of how to build a supplies network.
7881277
Eh, it's not my thing. I suppose it'll be entertaining to see Tim's reaction to it being brought up, though.
7881277
I'm still waiting for him to jump into bed with Cayenne.
the new herd is formed this is the beginning of a hole new life for Tim, Cayenne sounds like she is going to be vary interesting as the story grows.
as to a job as a x truck driver I have a few ideas that would fit in rather well any thing that is not driving or related.
I just wonder if Twilight will join.
7762840 Does this mean that Lyra will be super-powerful?
So much weeb..
7881277
And Citrus? She and Tim are already in a sexual romantic relationship. So it might seem off to have her also have sex with another male. He could have Cayenne though, since while they are in one herd right now there is no sexual or romanic relationship between Tim and her.
If anything it could be more of a play on the different cultures.
Nearly sobbing because someone he doesn't even know is scared of him.... really?
And crying because your significant other wants a job...
I can't read this anymore, everyone is too emotionally unstable, and the pacing is way off.
I would have said that I'd downvote it now, but I actually downvoted it when I read the first chapter back in october last year.
Sounds like he had two gals who really care for him. Maybe he can get a job at the docks. Surprisingly, sailing was one of the most progressive industries in history.
Lastly...dude! Come on! Don't be a doormat!
I bet he would love it in Ponyville. They would all enjoy Tim there a lot.
I'm enjoying the story so far, but I did have to stop at one point to make this comment, because I feel like it was really lacking in this chapter:
There's not enough description.
Tim is a soul who's been bound to the castle for a very long time. So long, in fact, he can't even recall how he got there. So when he steps out into the streets of canterlot, it should be an experience. Whether it's breathtaking, jarring, alienating, or however you wish him to react, we should see something. We should be seeing it from his eyes. And yet, the walk to the penthouse is incredibly short for something that should be rather important to the main character. The penthouse and even Cayenne suffer from this issue as well. This place is to be his home from now on - he should be drinking in every detail. And he should be practically memorizing cayenne, measuring her. He's meeting this mare who's supposed to be his marefriend with no prior meeting. This first meeting should be much more impactful. But it's not, and that sucks because we as readers want to relish those first emotions and impressions, and watch them change as Tim continues his new life in this city and in his new home and with new friends, or enemies, however you wish to proceed with the story. It's in these details where your story comes to life. It's in these things that we as readers 'are there'.
Maybe I'm being picky, but this is just how I felt once I reached the penthouse. I apologise if I'm too critical.
7881277
7881327
Citrus explained last chapter that sex isn't the biggest part of being in a herd. Even telling Tim he didn't have to sleep with Cayenne if he didn't want to. I think it's the "loyalty and support" aspect that will help wrap his brain around the thought of another stallion joining the herd someday. I'd hope Tim would even embrace the other stallion as a; dare I say, 'Brother Husband'? Though, I don't think it'll happen right away considering the reception Tim received outside the castle walls. Which brings me to the next subject...
This was Tim's first experience beyond the castle gates. He's been 'sheltered' up until now. He knows ponies interact closely with each other and to have what could've been hundreds of ponies keep their distance with looks of fear upon their faces had to wear him down. (I'm sure being called a "Thing" wasn't much help either.) Only dropping the veneer of confidence once he I knew was alone with the one he trusts. A trust that had began building a year ago though we did not see it happen ourselves.
Good work Sparky. I look forward to the next chapter.
7882256
Sex is actually really important to a healthy relationship. I always thought of it as 'sealing the deal'. Before sex you connect on a mostly mental level, sans hugging and kissing, by getting to know each other. Then once you have sex it connects you physically.
7882233 Thank you so much for the constructive criticism. One ongoing criticism has been rapid character development in my stories. And I assure you, he was drinking in as much as he could in the time he was out there. But it looks like I did rush that part a bit much. Thank you for calling me out on it. I will try to detail more of what's going through the character's mind as they do what they do in the story. Sometimes, looking at an empty screen can be quite daunting, and sometimes what I put down isn't always perfect. But I'm working on it, so again, thanks for the input!
7881819 Glad to see someone picking up on how Tim is being treated in general. Coming from a male dominant culture to a female dominant one isn't easy to begin with, but also little things that wouldn't be noticed otherwise are highlighted here. Tim is still learning, and afraid to make waves. But, only so much he can take. But...where that straw that breaks the camel's back comes from....you'll see.
Well for the most part that was a good chapter, I do wonder what he'll find for himself to do not to mention if he makes some more friends later on and hos this whole relationship goes. The only thing I would suggest is try not to make Tim so much of a wuss, you have him nearly break down crying twice in one chapter for really small reasons. Overly sensitive types like that aren't really a joy to read about. You can make him maybe depressed over something but going "boo hoo no one likes me" isn't really a compelling character trait I find.
7884245 I understand what you are saying, and it may sound like cheesy justification, but remember, Tim is dealing with a major culture shock here. He's been in the castle for most of his time in Equestria, so he's been sheltered. Finding that the ponies are terrified of him is actually a pretty hard blow. That being said, he's going to even out, and I think you will enjoy upcoming chapters.
7881300
If one of them manages a restaurant, why not work there? That's the obvious choice to me. Kinda strange neither of the mares offered that as a way to keep him close yet satisfy his desire to work and not be a couch potato. It's a win-win...
7881260 Agreed
‘‘Not just in general, but I trust her judgement’’
Is that not already covered in ‘in general’?
7882269
You are absolutely correct. It is important. I guess my comment was more because I've come across many fics where everyone was just in a rush to all get in bed together. (Maybe I'm not looking for Romance fics in the right places.) It's refreshing to find a 'herding' story where sex is not the main focus.
Speaking of 'mental connection'; I find what little we've seen of Cayenne so far quite intriguing. I agree a little more description; characters and overall, is needed. I'm happy to let my imagination run wild but part of the fun is having the author's words paint a picture in my mind.
7884467
Oh, that's an interesting idea. It would at least give him something to do until he figures out what he wants to do or where he'd fit in best. The exposure might even help the citizens of Canterlot get comfortable with his presence.
7886537
I'm sure we'll get more of her next chapter.
7886559
At the very least, he could taste test the carnivore-themed dishes, right?
Yeah....that nearly sobbing because ponies fear him? Not good, it makes him look like your average self-hating, whimpy wuss.
Guy needs to toughen.
7888106 Oh really? Have you ever walked down a crowded street and been mean mugged, and full out avoided by every living being around you? Humans are incredibly social creatures. That level of negative social contact, complete shunning, would have all kinds of negative effects on a human's psyche.
7895533
I support Trump, so yes i have.
7886766 Indeed he could.
7895642 Are politics really necessary on fimfiction of all websites?
I don't know if Cayenne was described in a previous chapter, though since we're just meeting her, I expect not, but she wasn't described here. What does she look like?
Godamnit, i enjoy this setting but why do the human males have to be annoying emotional wrecks all the time? Its not like i want a chauvinistic douche, just someone with self respect is all. Uuuugh.. but imma keep reading because the rest of the story is enjoyable.
8136167 I understand where you are coming from but the one thing I have had to accept from stories like these every person thinks and acts differently in certain situations but in the best way I can put it
Imagine everything that you were taught and know was turned upside down and thrown out the window to some people that strips them of their self security and makes them terrified we as the human race fear what we don't understand or cant logically explain but a small few would take a step forward and take the initiative to see it and or experience it for ourselves.
I like this story but I can't get over the weak protagonist. Absolute beta male. And not even in the funny over the top way. It's a bit cringe inducing, but not to the point that the whole story is ruined quite yet. I have a feeling its gonna be an issue for me in the future if this guy keeps up this way.
Then three seconds later, everything is fine as if there was no slight and there's not even a mention to him calming down.
Same as above, emotional swings at the drop of a hat. Plus, if she's working during the day as well, what does it matter if he does the same when they aren't going to be home together anyway?
This writing style can make editors twitch slightly. For example, the end of the previous chapter's conversation with Celestia where two days previously she had outright denied his request, even after talking with Luna, but now that he has a marefriend she's like "Yea, sure, go have fun dude".
Why has she changed her mind so drastically? If all she needed to let him into public was a trusted citizen to protect him, why not let outings happen with the guards to slowly introduce him to the general populace? If ponies are truly xenophobic, they aren't going to have underhanded compliments or pauses in conversation, they'd be rude or avoidant at face value like in the MLP episode introducing Zecora.
While I enjoy slice of life stories and the building of characters/worlds, it's overreactions and radical social shifts like these that break a reader out of the suspension of disbelief one bit at a time. If you're going to cause hurdles for the protagonist to overcome, let him actually overcome them or at least explain why the issue was resolved instead of waving the plot wand and poof, story progression.
I'm not trying to be mean, and I apologize since I know that I'm brutally honest at times, but I feel like the story could be tuned up a bit here and there. Overall a decent HiE though, and I'm hoping the rest of the story is as entertaining as it has been up to now.
8384404
I'm not complaining due to honest criticism. You aren't the first to make some of those criticisms in the story. I am continuously working to improve my writing style, and I hope you stick through it. Keep up the comments, I do appreciate them!
You better trust her. The implausible accelerated relationship is essential for the plot.
But is it rated three hooves?
Wow, Tim is a pansy.
Nice, I think I like this story a bit more finding out Tim used to be a trucker.
Your descriptions of cayenne spicy cream sauces are really starting to piss me off...
Damit man I need a grill cheese and butter chicken Stat!