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I could not have another dick around my ladies or in his case Mares
No Tim/Silver, I am disappoint.
So 30secs is their time in this universe, a human's time must be like having their brain overload while wondering "Why hasn't he finished?! How long can he last?!" before everything goes blank
I like. Punctuation goes to hell near the end though.
I'll be using this as inspiration in the future!!
Keep it cumming.
love it a grate chapter.
So now that we have another stallion, can we expect any M/M? Or are you going to keep it M/F only?
8471548
Maybe not but someone better be spit roasted during a future session or I'm calling shenanigans
8471625
I can get behind that
8470289
There was a line in 13 that stated that Tim "wasn't the jealous type". That is a 100% cuck line. It is 100% bullshit as well. You may not have intended it, but based on that line, you made Tim a cuck, and pretty much turned me off from the story. And yes, I did read the newest chapter. It didn't improve my opinion of the situation. In fact, it sealed it. I've been pretty invested in the story since you posted the first chapter, but after this and the excuse making from yourself and the editor, I'm out. All of that time and excitement on my part, even going so far as to let my friends know that the story has my personal recommendation (something I've only given to less than ten stories on this site, including this one unfortunately) and I'm just going to be walking away disappointed because an author wants to use a cop-out tactic for the sake of porn.
I'd rather read the story of the man gritting his teeth at first, being annoyed/angry/hurt at the inclusion that he feels he has to make for the sake of those he loves (that the mare unintentionally made him feel, or didn't realize that he would feel that way) while supressing it for their sake, before one of them notices something is wrong, eventually gathering enough courage to force the issue, and then eventually all sides coming to understand each other and come to some agreement on the situation, than to have the human just accept becoming a cuck for the sake of "understanding the pony cultural norms". To be honest, this was the most retarded way you could have gone and done this. Hell, there was a point where you could have salvaged the whole mess, where Citrus confronted Tim about it all. Instead of the characters (Tim especially) growing, we get the line of "I don't live on Earth, I live here" which is a slap to the face to those of us who want to read about a merging of cultures (which is what the story started out as), rather than the supremecy of one culture (which the story just became), and that just adds salt to the wound as any character growth from Tim in the situation gets taken out at the knees. He hasn't grown at all, he's just a wishy washy cuck that refuses to take a stand on anything (and that time where he did, back when he got turned into a pony, was all just an illusion, apparently). Because of this, I can no longer relate to Tim, nor bring myself to care for him at all, where before I was happy for him. Sure, he was rather passive and willing to go with the flow a little too much (in my opinion), but that could just be written off as him being a little too laid back, a perfectly fine character flaw. Now, he's just a cuck, and not someone I can bring myself to care for, or even want to be around to see if he grows out of it.
And just for the sake of shooting down a cop-out defense, you could have easily shown this norm without involving Silver at all by having another herd becoming friends with Tim, and seeing their interactions with each other. So saying "how else was I suppossed to do it" is nothing more than an excuse for laziness. Not saying that that is how it should have been done, just that there are many other ways to show it. That specific idea was my first thought after reading that excuse.
And before you use the "trust me" line, I did trust you. And what it got me was a frankly stupid set of character actions for even dumber reasons, followed by extremely weak excuses for those actions. While not as bad as an author who attacks the audience for disagreeing with their "perfect decision", making excuses like "trust me" or "how else was I suppossed to do it" is just a single step up. I expected better, both in writing and in justification for the choices made. Especially from someone who poured a year into this fic. Maybe I'll come back when it's all finished to see if I was correct in walking away, but if the reaction from the author and editor are anything to go by, I bet that I'll (sadly, and I am being 100% honest with that) be proven correct.
8471963
First off, I want to say that I appreciate your enjoyment of the story for most of the past year. And you recommending my story to others is an honor, and a rare one, based on your words here. I want you to know I really do appreciate your words. Even here in this specific comment. A lively discussion makes it quite fun to see the reaction to the words I write.
Now...I feel I must respond here, and I must start with something here, cuckold actually has a definition. It is not any man who, in a polyamorous situation, accepts another man to help him give his women pleasure. Let's look at the actual definition of cuckold, according to Merriam-Webster: a man whose wife is unfaithful. That really doesn't tell us much, since by that definition, Citrus was unfaithful to Tim by having any sexual relations with North Point or Cayenne. So, let's continue digging deeper, we can get into the urban dictionary...this seems more like what you are saying, "A sexually inadequate husband who accepts his wife's pussy is her solely property and she alone decides which men she will fuck,even if it means denying her husband. His only access to her pussy is to clean it of the ejaculate of males she chooses to fuck. "
Well, that seems a little closer to what seems to be your idea of a cuck. A submissive, a beta male, one who lets other males fuck his girls and gets off on that. And THAT is not Tim.
Let me make blatant what has been hinted throughout most of the story here, this is a matriarchal society, women are top dogs, and act more masculine (by human definitions) than most. In fact, Silver is rather feminine by human standards, something that will be explored further as the story continues, but I put this in ritualistic form for a reason. The girls do know how male pecking order is, so, Citrus, as the lead mare, allows Silver to mount one of her girls. With Cayenne being the willing volunteer. Though if Citrus had said that North would be the one mounted, Cayenne would have yielded. It is their way. As the primary couple in this herd, Tim and Citrus are the alpha couple in this herd. Notice throughout the chapter, the only one to penetrate Citrus is Tim. And even after Silver had mounted Cayenne, she still wanted Tim. In no way have I portrayed Tim as a secondary to the new stallion in the herd. In fact, Silver has, and will more so in the future, looked up to Tim. Their relationship going forward is going to be something to explore. Tim is not some hypermasculine male who jealously guards his girls as belonging to him. In fact, in their society, males would be seen more as property, or adjunct to their mares. I've made the comment to my editor and pre-readers that the attitude, specifically from Cayenne, but less so in the others, is 50's America gender roles, but switched. I've tried to keep it rather low key, but still a bit of background tension within the story.
Basically what I'm trying to say here is, Tim is in a very different world, and acting like a hypermasculine douche isn't what his character is, and it wouldn't work very well. I am truly sorry that you feel that it is not for you. But I do write this story as I see fit, with the advice of my editor and my pre-readers and friends. But in the end, this is my story, and you are free to like, or dislike this story. Either way, I'm gratified that you felt strongly enough to respond and I hope my response gives you some context. Thank you.
8471548
I am not planning on any M/M action as that is not something appealing to me. That being said, Tim and Silver's relationship will be explored (and I say relationship because friendship wouldn't cover everything I would think).
8472227
Look up what a Strawman Argument is. That is what you just did. In fact, using that against someone who was being polite and explaining his view on things is outright insulting. Remember that line where I mentioned authors attacking their audience? That's what you just did. It's the scummiest behavior an author can display. At no point in time did I mention anything about Tim needing to be hypermasculine, or even just being a jerk, about anything. The closest I got was saying that he didn't have a damn backbone and just let anyone do whatever they wanted, even if it went against his own interests. And even that is an exaggeration of my point.
Now, I'm going to force myself to assume that it was done out of ignorance rather than intentionally being malicious. If we want to agrue against Strawmen, why did you even use a human at all, if you wanted to write a character that straight-up abandons his humanity at the drop of a hat? What was the point of writing Tim as a human if he isn't going to act human at all by the end of the story, but rather be a pony in a human body? Why not just make him a pony that comes from outside if Equestria that has a completely different culture, or a human from EqG? However, I'm not going to expect an answer from that (nor do I want one). It was purely an example of what I would use if I wanted to Strawman you. I refuse to be so intellectually dishonest as to pull such a move.
Instead, I'll merely point out that "cuck" is a word that has additional meanings than the ones you provided (equivocating and chosing the best meaning to fit your argument is almost as insulting as strawmanning someone, it would be better to ask for clarification, especially with terms that have ended up becoming slang and don't truly have a set definition), especially in regards to the internet and its usage(s) of the word. In this case, it means a male who willingly allows other men to fuck his spouse (spouses in this case) specifically because he is unwilling to be confrontational. That last bit is key. Tim is acting like he has no ability to stand up for himself (and I wouldn't use the word "beta" for Tim, as that usually requires self-flagellation in some form as well, and his actions are more along the lines of not giving a shit), and that is why he causes me to lose all interest.
That is all. The fact that Silver is effeminate by human standards has nothing to do with it. The fact Silver is in the herd has nothing to do with it. The fact that he is completely immersed in a foreign culture has nothing to do with it. The fact the culture he is in is polyamorous has nothing to do with it. It's the fact that he doesn't react at all like a human would. Even the truest of cuckholds (in this case, a man who enjoys having his spouse sleep around on him) feel a bit of jealousy and shame, and that's what they get off from. Part of being a cuck is being at least partially masochistic. That is what you are missing. Even the most egalitarian and civilized person has a portion of him that says "this is mine" and gets angry if someone tries to take it. Most people are able to ignore it to some degree but still acknowledge it in some fashion (even if it's just a "I'm not fully comfortable with this" thought), some listen to it and react, and few get off on it. Tim shows none of those. He doesn't react. At all. Why? Apperently, because he isn't the "jealous type". Jealousy is not a "hypermasculine" emotion. That's a human one. The hypermasculine response would have been to kill Silver outright for daring to even think of one of his mares in a sexual way. The jealous response would be to shut him down, be overly hostile, and never trust him alone with any of his mares. The human response would be to react in an uncomfortable manner (ex: fidget and look for a way to change the subject), after all, Silver is trying to be polite about it. A cuck's response would be to ask if he wants to come over and fuck the cuck's spouse. Tim's response was closer to that of a cuck than anything. Hell, calling it the reaction of a Gary Stu would even be appropriate (though that may be due to the lack of suspension of disbelief).
Do I need to clear it up further, or do you understand my point? Because, honestly, I'm not going to stand aside while someone twists or misinterprets my words to mean something completely different to what I intend. Hopefully, the feedback I'm giving will help avoid that end that, so far, I still think will happen.
8472371
So you're upset that Tim is immediately allowing another guy in on it without having misgivings? His manhood isn't threatened and the second stallion is to share even more love, plus help take some of the emotional and sexual load off Tim. The whole point of this newest chapter was to affirm Tim's dominant role and position as lead male. You're saying that you wish Tim was angrier at the prospect of the herd becoming truly polyarmorous? Or would you have prefered there be more buildup? Either way, Silver is here to stay, and that means as a full member of the herd who will be there full time. IMO, it's not really a problem with Tim's character, given that he's already been acclimatized to the idea of polyamory and welcomed in new bedmates rather quickly.
8472231
Can't say i'm not disappointed, but I get it, it's not for everyone. Still, i'm glad to hear their relationship is going to be explored.
8472447
No so much as him not being angry, but more like he has no emotion toward it. It's not bothering him, when there should be at least some nagging, even if it is a minor uncomfortable feeling, a slight feeling of being inadequate, or a slight hesitation, a questioning of "Am I doing the right thing?". Instead, he treats it like he decided what he wants to order for lunch this coming Tuesday. To be honest, the whole thing did feel rushed, though that doesn't quite cover everything. As I mentioned before, my issue is not with Silver or Silver joining, only in how it was handled by Tim. If anything, it definitely felt like he did it spur of the moment, even though the concept was introduced a few chapters ago (a few days ago by the stories time iirc), which during the time there wasn't much reflecting on the issue going on. The choice feels like one that should be seriously thought over and discussed as a group rather than Tim just saying "Silver, you're in." As far as I recall, the issue was brought up once, where Tim felt inadequate, and that was it. The next chapter, everything was fine until chapter 13 where it suddenly came to a climax and Tim solved it without much issue or thought and no real thought on the issue after it was made. I would believe that Tim would look to what he could do himself before he'd look for outside help.
And also, let's be brutally honest for a moment. It would be a lot easier for a man to adapt to grouping up with multiple women, or a women with multiple men, then to ask another person of their own gender to join in as well on a permanent basis. Especially with that someone not being a person that is well known, trusted, and liked. "Proven" is another word I'd use, but it doesn't quite get across what I mean.* Anyway, there will always be some tension between the two, even if on the subconscious level, at least for humans, until everything is firmly established (and possibly permanently depending on the individuals involved, of which I think for Tim it would eventually pass).
Hope that helps. Even though I won't continue reading, I hope my criticism is constructive. I'd rather come back once it's finished to be surprised at how much better it was other than that one hiccup, then come back and find that it got worse.
*There's a story on Fim that touched on what I mean, though the situation/culture surrounding it is significantly different than here. To Love The Moon is the name, iirc. In that, there is a chapter where the MC is asked by a very close friend (think the kind of friends that joke about keeping track of how many times one has saved the life of the other, while being serious about the "saving life" part) to help fulfill his girlfriend's wish of having two stallions at once. The friend says that the MC is the only one he could "trust" to help with that. And that is one of the things I feel is lacking here, a reaction to that lack of "trust". Hope that helps make sense of what I'm trying to say.
8472371
8472227
It appears to me that the Author has corrupted the autonomy of Tim’s character by self-Inserting his own emotional viewpoint, on this issue. Many authors forget (or are unwilling) to consult others, not realizing that it hurts the dynamics of their character’s personality by remaining so insular. Like having an editor to check your spelling, having multiple beta-readers, to bounce ideas off of, would have helped him avoid alienating his audience. If anything, they would have told him to expound upon why he would act that way, rather than a brief, “he’s not a jealous person.” You have to build these ‘flag’ up progressively, or else the reader will think it's contrived.
8472516
From a story standpoint, the basic idea of polyamory was made known to Tim in Chapter 3, and throughout the time since then (which covers several months time wise), Tim has been living with two ponies in a polyamorous relationship. Then they added a third mare. Tim has had all of that time to understand that ponies are the way they are. Let's also add in, once Tim got hired, he's been joining Apple Stars on purchasing expeditions to get the animal protein that some of the customers desire. So, he's gotten to meet Silver.
While Silver is not specifically mentioned in the verbiage of the story, Tim knew that Cayene had talked about the pegasus stallion. He got to know Silver through those shopping trips, and other times he's gone to the market. He wasn't best friends status with Silver, but he knew enough to be mostly comfortable. Though in this, part of it is that Tim didn't realize how quickly things would go from inviting a nice guy whom he genuinely likes, to an all night sexfest, to new herd member, that was driven by Cayenne with consent from Citrus. Though remember, Tim's consent was explicitly asked. Reality WILL crash on Tim the next morning, and I've already got plans for how he will respond. Remember, much of the sex was driven by hormones, he will be able to reflect on this. In the end, this story isn't about a culture clash: his culture clashing with pony culture. This is about a human with human sensibilities, displaced from his home, and integrating himself with local pony culture. He's not going to give up being human, but some of his preconceived notions will be addressed. And he will find that while the ponies are very different, they are loving, and deserving of his love. And they find that, even though he is also weird to them and is always going to be a little bit different, they can love him, too.
8472517
Reference Sparky's comment immediately prior to this one.
8470142
Not quite true about potatoes. I know horses that LOVE french fries as well as whole potatoes. The issue is the solanine in green potatoes. Green potatoes are toxic to humans as well. Solanine is a poison that is found in nightshade, green potatoes green tomatoes and such. It can be cooked out making the food safe hence poisoning is more rare in humans. But horses and ponies CAN eat cooked potatoes or raw potatoes that arn't green.
Solanine is the reason tomatoes were first considered poisonous ground apples, and would make a horse sick too.
8472517
i don't know if I agree with that. First off, I have several pre-readers, and I get constructive feedback throughout the creative process. I don't feel for one moment that Tim's character is corrupted by this. While me putting down that Tim was not particularly jealous was to let the reader know he was considering things, it's not the first time he thought about the possibility.
I want to end this with a quote from one of my favorite authors, Robert A. Heinlein
When I say the character isn't particularly jealous, he is emotionally mature in this respect. But that's just my view.
8472603
Yes, I saw you made mention to them in the story description, however, it should be understood that, like all thing in the written word, Editing and beta-reading is a skilled job. An inexperienced editor/beta-reader is worse than useless because, they can lead you astray. Your editor, if not your superior in prose and grammar structure, should be your equal, yet you made a point to say that your previous editor is not experienced in writing clop. I do not know when you changed editors to the current one but, the direction they took you failed to make Tim's views clear and concise in the exposition. I also question the choice of only two beta-readers, as the point of beta-reading itself is to grant a wider perspective. Experienced beta-readers would have realized that the wider audience may not appreciate certain values and choices you ascribe to your characters. They would have told you to expound upon the philosophy of Tim, so that the audience wouldn't feel surprised or betrayed by, what they view as, a contrivance.
Now, all of what I said before could be misguided. I do not know these people. I do not know how experienced they are or aren't. Yet, you yourself have provided the means to vindicating my claim, as you said.
You were self-inserting man, projecting your values on Tim, without informing the audience. It happens to the best of us, but that is what good council is for.
8472689
Okay, with all this being said, are you trying to say you want to be in on the pre-reading? Or are you simply criticizing me for not having enough pre-readers?
8472689
Though I must say, I am writing the story characters as I see the characters. To attempt to make all the characters conform to every readers preconceived notions would be foolhardy on the part of the author. In the end, this is my story. I do listen to my editor, and my pre-readers, but the name on the story is mine. I bear final responsibility for how the story turns out. I happen to be happy with the story as it is. And I do pay attention to the comments by the readers. Without those comments, I will never improve as an author, so I thank you for your criticism, and for all of the comments on this story.
8472689
Sparky has a team working with him on everything. Kitsy is characters and I'm plot as well as clop. We talk a lot and I make a point of purposefully throwing ideas and suggestions before we settle on final decisions, as well as have a go at things in the editing process. I've been pushing quite vocally for the inclusion of another stallion and limits on the female membership of the herd to keep the story tight, make it more balanced, and explore more aspects of Equestrian society. It's been months in story and Tim has become used to the idea of polyamory. He's also come to see herds as more or less normal. Additionally, angst over breeding has come up, and while Twilight can work magic on him again to help him breed himself, the girls would like an authentic Equestrian, plus the herd shows signs of growing, meaning another male presence would be useful for everyone's stress levels and wellbeing. This has been a long time coming all the way since the introduction of the idea in chaper 3; it's not out of nowhere and foisted upon him. Yes, there is going to be an adjustment period of getting used to having an extra male around the house and the struggles that entails.
8472698
No, but i would recommend opening up to your audience. Quantity has a quality of its own with beta-readers.
8472708
It's your story dawg, just saying that it’s best to keep the audience informed. You rarely want to surprise your audience when writing porn.
8472712
I guess Ghost-091 has someone to blame now, lol. All kidding aside, you don't need to prove anything to me, man. He chose you to be his editor, not me.
8472689 8472516 8471575
Foreshadowing and buildup to this throughout the story as brought by a quick use of the find function in select chapters:
Chapter 3
Chapter 7:
Chapter 10:
=======
So it really is not like it's come out of nowhere, hasn't been developed, its a bad thing, against Tim's desires, thematically problematic, etc...
8472748
Let me ask you something....
Chapter 3: "She shakes her head, “No, a typical herd is one or two stallions, along with four to six mares, sometimes more. Especially with earth ponies. Pegasi typically have smaller herds, usually one stallion to three mares, though there are exceptions. And unicorns are typically right in the middle there.”
"“It’s a little more complex here, mares and stallions and mares with mares, are quite the norm. Stallions with stallions are rare, because there are a lot less of them. Usually that happens within a herd with multiple stallions, though they do mate with the mares too.”"
"Twilight giggles, “She’s a unicorn, she might want any size of herd.” She looks at him slyly, “What would you do if she wanted a big herd? Two or three more stallions, and ten more mares.” His eyes bug out, mouthing the word ten slowly, she whaps him on the shoulder with a wing, “Don’t get all full of yourself, Tim. Ten mares is a big herd, but no worries there, you’ll have some stallions to help with the mares. Unless…” She turns and walks slowly around the room, her tail continuing to give him occasional views of her own marehood. He is watching as it winks again, getting a gulp from him, “They don’t want a foal right there. Then you would be the only one to be able to satisfy them.”"
"“Yes, a party, you know who’s going to be there, right? Silverwing. I want to see him, I think it’ll take a little while, but that’s two stallions for our herd eventually.” She nuzzles Citrus again, getting her ears to flick back and forth, “You do still want to start a herd, right? We’ve been talking for months.”"
Chapter 7: "Cayenne sighs, “Well, he’s been able to climb many of the social circles, even after leaving her Mom’s herd. Though the herd was quite small, he was the only stallion, so the herd kind of fell apart.” She looks back at Citrus, who is peacefully lying on Tim’s back, “Her mom moved out to the coast, we see her every so often, but Rotten is the one you need to watch out for.”
"Tim shakes his head, “Citrus has an idea for a couple more. One more stallion she was thinking of. She said she wants foals someday.”
"He puts his head on the smooth tile, letting the water wash the suds away. He wouldn’t have his arrangement with Citrus and Cayenne any other way, but if North Point really wants to join the herd, he doesn’t know how he’s going to satisfy all of them, or answer her. He had passed out pretty late last night, and just the thought of another round makes his body ache. The girls are insatiable! He looks down, “Traitor,” he growls at his half-hardened member. His body seems to have other ideas about the matter. Perhaps there is something to the idea of having more than one stallion in the herd?"
How much more foreshadowing did I need?
8472757
8472749
Foreshadowing is usually used to indicate future conflict, it is not a replacement for good exposition. Tim may have had all the warning in the world, but if he is not shown reacting to it, then how can his character become more relatable to the audience.
8472782
But he IS showing that he's thinking about it. The idea has been in his head.
8472782
If this polyandry stuff is just too complicated for you, there are stories where it's not an issue...
8472784
The problem that we had was that the build up was weak. Like Ghost said, it came off as him cucking himself. The conflict resolution was what sealed that opinion in our minds because, all that happened was him saying, "he isn't a jealous person." The real problem for me was the fact that Tim had no reason to accept this from the get-go. The fact that he never made this opinion known, weakens the illusion of him being an autonomous character.
8472782
Been reading though your comments and the Authors. And, I disagree with you.
8472838
i0.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/newsfeed/001/065/751/487.jpg
8470423
well played good sir.
and ya sorry about that.
8472580
You are missing the point. First, where was Silver being discussed in any of those points of foreshadow?
Second, you are surprised that people didn't connect the dots with Silver being that one Pegasus stallion that Cayenne dated at one point? Basically, you gave us points Delta, A, Gamma, and 2 and are expecting people to connect all of those dots in the manner of A-2-Gamma-Delta. And you wonder why some people have issues with this? Again, no one is arguing that Silver shouldn't be in the herd, which is something you and kalash93 are banging on like freaking drums despite myself and Hardcase clearly stating that we are not arguing against that. Any counter-point to Silver being in the herd is irrelevant. This is about Tim and his actions only.
Third, you really need to separate out what you know, and what the audience knows. (If I am wrong, please correct me with the quote)
You know that. Audience does not. I do not recall ever hearing a name attached to that individual. Silver is not the only Pegasus stallion in existence.
You know that. The audience does not. For all we knew, it could have been seven different people they interacted with about as much as you interact with a Target cashier. I just got back from a Target store, and I didn't even get the cashier's name.
You know this. The audience doesn't. He never came up in any meaningful way until chapter 13 where he suddenly gets thrown into the herd. This is where you should have been foreshadowing, not the four pieces of foreshadowing scattered over 13 chapters (and only located in two chapters, that's honestly some weak foreshadowing). He should have been brought up more.
The end of chapter 13 directly contradicts this. Tim was perfectly fine with how things are going. That doesn't indicate that he doesn't realize how fast this is going, in fact he says the exact opposite, "I figured that this would end with us in bed" if I'm remember correctly was the exact line.
Forth, I've had friends who have lived in foreign lands for years (one has lived in a foreign country for seven years, and he's still there), and they still run into things that cause them quite a bit of culture shock (that guy who has lived in that foreign land for seven years contacted me two weeks ago about one such issue that cropped up, these things will always pop up from time to time, no matter how long you live in it, if you weren't born into it). And these are just human cultures. Ten months is nothing. In fact, that should be just enough time for him to stop looking like an idiot who doesn't know what he's doing, but not enough to look like a native. He should still be primarily a human thinking with the mindset that a human culture gives.
8472784
He thought about it twice. That is not thinking hard about it. That is not what a person does when they are making a serious decision. That's what you do when you're about to half-ass something. Add on top of that, half your examples are missing the point completely. His reaction is not human. It's a Gary Stu reaction.
8472603
Hardcase is right here. This is your view. Your's. Not the audience's. Not humanity's. Your's. In no location did you even hint that this was his view, one I personally disagree with very strongly and would have walked away sooner had I known. I've got personal experience in this one, and I think that that view is an unbelievably naïve view of emotions and an extremely immature view on love and life in general. I've seen abusive relationships that were loving according this this view (after all, there was no jealousy at all in the way), and by all that was good and right in the world did I have to fight to drag a friend of mine out of that shit. Only after getting what equated to a military-grade deprogramming amount of therapy did my friend actually break down in tears thanking me for fighting as hard as I did, even against his own wishes, to get him out of that horrible situation. I've seen others where they jealously guarded each other, but they were as loving as it got. One pair was married for thirty-five years before the husband was killed in a car accident. The wife, who I still keep in touch with, remains unmarried to this day and refuses to even try getting remarried. She still loves her husband and refuses to look at another man. The point is that it's not so much about the actual emotion, but how you respond to it. You can feel jealous but not react to it. Which is why there is such a major disconnect with Tim. He should have at least a spark of that emotion in him, but instead, he responds with "I'm not a jealous person". That's not actually answering the question. I'm not an angry person, but that doesn't mean that I don't feel anger. I'm not a depressed person, but that doesn't mean I can feel depression. It's how we deal with the emotions that matter.
In Tim's case, his lack of emotion is what makes him unrelatable in this instance. If he had been nervous about the issue before forcing himself to go all in, this wouldn't be a problem. If he had been sitting in the shower thinking "Should I invite him in?" and going back and forth on the issue, this wouldn't be the problem. If he had been talking to Cayenne and asking if she thought he would be a good fit in the herd, and she convinces him that Silver would be a good fit, this wouldn't be a problem. The fact that, out of nowhere (and your four quotes from the story do not refute this), Tim basically says, "Silver, join the herd!" and feels like he just ordered lunch for the day, is the issue. That is poor writing. The fact the he was thinking about adding someone to the herd? Not the problem. The fact that he added a male to the herd, is not the problem. The fact that someone was Silver, is not the problem. The actual problem is the implementation, the how Silver was added to the herd.
To repeat: not the who, not the what, not the why, it is only the how that is the problem.
8472749
You're ignoring the point I made. Seriously. It's not that hard. Tim's reaction, or lack thereof, is completely and utterly unrelatable. If you're talking about novel-style plot. If you're talking porn-level plot, then no one gives two shits about it (and no, we are not talking about that anyway). Nor are we discussing Silver, and Silver joining the herd. Again, this all focused on Tim and his lack of a reaction where any reasonable person would expect one. Now. Show me where Tim was discussing Silver joining the herd with the rest of his group, or where he was agonizing over adding him specifically. You show me that, then my point is invalid. If you can't, then I have a point that you have failed to address and are continuously ignoring.
8472796
This. Good God Almighty this! Just saying "He wasn't a jealous person" is not enough. Novel writing 101: Show, don't tell! Plus, jealousy doesn't mean anything with love. In fact, a healthy relationship includes some jealousy. Too little and you're apathetic about your partner (in which case, why are you in a relationship with them), too much and you are trying to control your partner's every move (in which case, why are they in a relationship with you). While your [Sparky Brony] view may be that love and jealousy are opposite sides of the spectrum, you aren't writing so only you can read the story. You need to let the audience see that philosophy in your writing. Which, let's be honest, you haven't done. Tiny hints of it may be there, but so have a lot of hints that mean things completely opposite to what you are saying.
8472794
Do you really want to start name calling now? Do we really want to go down that childish road? Show we start labeling you an idiot for dodging every point made and then throwing up irrelevant points and red herrings instead of focusing on the issues we are bringing up because "the realistic issues regarding the clash between monogamous and polygamous cultures are too tough for you"? No? Then how about you not do it as well. Be an adult and focus on what we are critiquing.
8472894
Sparky is married with children. I am in a 5 years and counting serious relationship. We are not clueless about love or relationships. We've made our cases and you've made yours. I must say, that for a person seeking the door, you are having difficulty finding it.
8472894
I have to say, I am not a particularly jealous person myself. That does NOT make me a cuck. I respect my wife and her desire for me and only me. And she respects my desire for her and only her.
I can see that we will have to agree to disagree on this issue. I write my story how I see fit, and you are free to like or dislike as you wish. I'm not doing this story for likes or dislikes, I'm not doing this story for comments (though I do appreciate them, even a discussion such as this one). I am doing this story because I wanted to write it, and was inspired to write. In fact my pre-readers were initially meh about a HIE harem story with plenty of clop. And only changed their minds after seeing the first couple of chapters written. I'm glad the story has gained the attention it has gotten, and I'm sorry to see some readers leave. But this is the story I want to write, and I'm not going to change my opinions on it to please commenters.
Though I've got to say, I'm glad to see some commenters are just as emotionally invested in this story as I am. A lively discussion is not a bad thing. Thank you for your input, and I will take your words under advisement going forward.
8472914
For someone who is an editor, you sure have difficulty understanding the English language. I refer you to this line:
The fact you keep strawmanning my points, completely ignoring my points, and trying to refute what I'm saying with irrelevant points tells me that you do not, in fact, understand what I'm putting forward. The fact the author is engaging me, and evidently wants to know why I'm leaving, says that your opinion is worthless in the conversation. The fact that I actually gave a shit about this story is the only reason I didn't just vanish. I'd love to see it improve and this whole mess was just a hiccup, even if I don't continue reading it. It's called "caring about the industry". The better this author is, the more better authors there are, which results in more better stories to read. You may not give a shit about that, but I do.
Good for you, couldn't care less, and once again, irrelevant to the discussion at hand.
8472927
Never intended that. That one line with only the context available to the audience is what makes Tim a cuck. Doesn't go any further than that, and if you thought that I meant it like that than I apologize. It was not intended for anything further than that point in the story.
That's fine, and what I honestly expected from the start. I just wanted to explain why I thought the way I did and am doing what I'm doing.
I'm glad that even if we could not agree, we can at least part on respectful terms. You've got the skill of a good writer, with the ability to be an amazing one. Best of luck to you, your family, and in your future endeavors. May we cross paths again on a future story of your's and may that one be even better than this one will ever hope to be by any measure.
8472943
Yeah, I've gotten your point the whole time, cock smith. You don't like the story's execution and direction. I have been explaining the whole time our reasoning as for why and how it has happened. Your reaction has to been fling poop. I also am wondering why you're fighting so hard over a fic you claim to have long since lost all interest in. There are a thousand stories out there with what you want.
8472946
8472946
This is correct on this one issue.
This is false. I already said I was fine with the direction. Repeatedly. But if you can't understand that, that's your problem.
And I had already answered that, pretty plainly too, but since you have a hard time with understanding English, I can understand how you missed it. Now, you've already proven your inability to take rational constructive criticism, maybe you should learn a thing or two from the author and just stop. You're just making yourself out to be an asshole.
No, the first thing you did was misrepresent the issue. Then come up with irrelevant points to try to make it look like you were addressing the issue. After that failed to convince anyone, your next action was to start throwing around insults like child. And even after I spell it out using the simplest words possible, you still can't get it right. That's on all you, not me.
Coming from the guy who was the to start slinging insults, where I was being calm, rational, and pointing out issues you refused to acknowledge? You know what they say about stones and glass houses. Hypocrisy, thy name is kalash93.
Now stop talking to me. You are only making things worse for yourself and no one needs to hear any more of your baseless accusations and infantile insults to those who disagree with you.
Children! Don't make me turn this channel around. I will you know.
Its a story, not everyone will agree with all parts, or like all parts... But its still friendship and magic... And i don't want to rainbow blast anyone. so calm down and decide, if its bad enough to stop you from reading, then thats your choice. If it isn't, then relax, and watch where the story goes.
I do my best to help out with characterizations here and there, with creating character backgrounds, persona's and such. Though i don't do clop so i avoided this chapter. I ran screaming from this chapter LOL.
8472976
I'll ceede, you were right. It's time to end this fight. You make good arguments. Yes, there should have been some conflict in buildup to admitting Silver. It absolutely would have made the story more interesting, and as someone who loves to harp on Sparky about creating as many opportunities for discovery and growthy through conflict in the story as possible. I cannot believe I completely failed to seize this chance (you probably can, though). Other characters had gotten added into the harem practically with either no resistance, or even with fanfare and neither of us really thought that anything would need to be changed if we added just one more. Nobody complained about butchering Citrus when Cayenne came in. Nobody complained about Tim being greedy, or Cayenne getting thrown under the bus when North came in. Kitsy didn't think anything of it and Sparky didn't have any concerns. You are one abrasive son of a bitch and speak well. If you can even stand my name, if you ever cross one of my stories, I would be honored for you to comment.
8473031
*starts singing cheerfully*
"A true, true friend helps a friend in need"
Boops Kalash nose gently.
"To see the light that shines from a true, true friend"
*looks at ghost, singing*
Sparky needs your help, He's trying hard doing what he can...
*Looks at Sparky smiling.*
Would you try, just give it a chance
You might find that you'll start to understand
8473031
Agreed, and honestly, I never wanted to force a change in the direction of the story or start an argument. Still, here we are. I'm happy to bury the hatchet. Nothing good ever comes from parting ways in anger.
I prefer to speak plain, which, yeah, that can be pretty abrasive. I've always found that it can make points clearer, though, and as long as it's kept above the belt, most (emphasis on most) people are okay with it. No need to tap dance around points when you're both trying to work for the same goal, even if you go about it in different ways. For better or worse, that's how I critic things. I never try to insult anyone, and only go after the work. If I did step on any toes, I do apologize. I try to make the distinction between criticizing the work (which is a must) and criticizing the author (which should never happen) and if I failed that anywhere, again I apologize.
You did just remind me of something, and I'm kicking myself now for forgetting it. One of the reason I did decide to leave (which was relatively less important than this one imo) was when North kinda popped in from out of nowhere and got brought in. That literally had me going back and forth between the nine prior chapters to see if I missed something, but I couldn't find anything. I thought someone else would have addressed it (which usually happens, and they do it in a less abrasive way, so I prefer to let them do that) so I decided to wait a day or two before going to see if it was mentioned as I had a lot of IRL stuff going on at the time. Like a dumbass, I forgot about doing just that until you just mentioned it. I'll take my lickings for that one. Totally on me for not raising the flag on that, which might have prevented all of this from happening. The only one I admit would fit naturally without any argument was Cayenne as Citrus made it plain as day that it was going to happen and it introduces the herd aspect to everything. Would be nice to see a little hesitation, but let's be honest. If a guy could bring another girl in on his relationship, I don't think he'd complain too loudly. The stereotype exists for a reason
And you are one stubborn bastard, and a good man for being willing to swallow some pride If we ever cross paths IRL, I'd love to buy you a round. And if we do cross paths on one of your stories, I'll be sure to leave a critic, for better or worse. Also, if I ever do post something here (which I do write some fan fics from time to time, but I'm usually too tired to write due to working on other writing projects, which NDAs keep me from talking any further about... Stupid lawyers and their IP/copyright BS...), I'd be proud to have your view on it.
8473062
Haha, one of the reason why I even joined the fandom in the first place. There's already enough bad blood going around, no need to add any more. Have a 'stache for reminding us
Wow. Now THAT was an initiation ceremony. Well played.
And has certainly displayed why he will continue to be the alpha in the group - not just because of what he is, but how well he can perform.
Still, it's good to know that Tim will be able to take a break if he needs it
One thing I noticed (maybe it's just my bad memory) - weren't stallions supposed to be able to go only once and then have a long, long break before being able to go again?
Is Silver an exception to that rule in this case?
Or is it as i think and my memory is just bad and I confuse this with something else?
8473929 I've been in consultation with someone who knows equines, half an hour to an hour between goes.
8472997
i am thinking of getting the jello out filling a room and throwing the hole group in it and let them work it out.
did some one say jello party really pinky.
8473929
as i have owned several stallions (over the last 30 years) i can say you need to see a stallion with a mare in hard heat.
i am kind of jellos they will go every 5 or 10 mines for a few hours then it is brake time.
8473981
8474021
I learned something new today!