• Member Since 4th May, 2013
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On the Sliding Scale Of Cynicism Vs. Idealism, I like to think of myself as being idyllically cynical. (Patreon, Ko-Fi.)


The garlic knots: half a bit each.

The optional dipping sauce: an additional half-bit.

The local value of 'optional': possibly not what you might expect it to be.

Now with author Patreon and Ko-Fi pages.

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 90 )

I haven't read it yet, but I'll say this right now:
I'm actually kind of relieved that you didn't choose to put RD through this.

"Anybody who bites a writer is asking for trouble -- food poisoning at the very least."

-- David Gerrold.

What did I just read.

What happened to Owner afterward.


I really want to know what the Elements are going to do to him now.

Damnit now I have unresolved questions!!!

Hmm. Sanity or statue? I suppose it comes down to whether there's anything in there to save. If nothing else, someone who can bake goods that good can't be all bad...

Well, that was amusing, in the sense that this delusional jerk is going to get everything that's coming to him and more. Granted, I didn't think they'd bring the Elements of Harmony against him-i just thought he'd be driven out of business by alienating every last pony in town.

Still, for what it is and that horrible pun of a name, I was amused.

Sometimes, it's so satisfying just to see an amply deserving person get their comeuppance. Nice little piece of vicarious schadenfreude.

I don't get it. The only joke here is that the owner doesn't know what 'optional' means but that wasn't what made the Soup Nazi funny.

He expected perfection from this customers not because he was greedy but because he was a perfectionist. Only Kramer understood him.

The Elements of Harmony might be just a tad over the top. Still, it did give me a laugh :pinkiesmile:

I assume most of this is based on personal experience?


I assume most of this is based on personal experience?


I think mentioning the Elements of Harmony at all wasn't even necessary. I mean, the Mane Six are more than capable of taking apart a rude jerk and his soon-to-be-condemned restaurant with their bare hooves.

But yeah, this guy reminds me more of Amy's Baking Company than Soup Nazi.


I will not write Those Two because I'm dearly hoping that if we all ignore them, the lack of attention will actually prove fatal.

(Hey, I just became a hater!)

7411862 Lucky for you, you don't have to. I already did. And Aria blew up their restaurant. :moustache:

Wonder what the blast result was...

... Can Pinkie or someone else reverse engineer or something, the knots??

In retrospect, if given the chance, he would have kicked the very first customer out of Ponyville's newest restaurant at the moment he heard the happy voice.

So, statue, then, as he's conscious, but still have kicked them out... Instead of being thankful?

The Ponyville Garlic Knot Shop, where optional is mandatory.

7411883 Derp. Forgot to include the link. Doing five things at once right now. Edited my comment; the link's there now. (It's the second chapter of that fic.)

Beautiful! Pity you didn't show the other EoH when they showed up.

Fluttershy: "Eep!" Runs away. Minutes later, a small white bunny rabbit shows up with three and a half bits, and an evil glint in his eye.

Dash: "You sure there's seven knots here? Lemme count 'em. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7. Okay!" Stuffs them back into the bag. Drops three and a half bits on the counter, leaves sauce behind.
"Is four bits! Forgot sauce!"
"What sauce?"
"Knot sauce!"
"Exactly! Not sauce! Bye!" Chortles loudly and flies off.

"Four bits!" She leans forward onto the counter. Beckons with a hoof. "C'mere, a sec."
The stallion leans forward.
"Y'all trying to force me to buy the knot sauce?"
"Buying not optional, taking is."
She takes the sauce from bag. Opens the container. Puts a bit inside. Closes the container. Pinches the stallion's nose shut. When he opens his mouth to complain and/or breathe, she shoves the container inside, bit and all, and holds his nose until he swallows it. She smiles.
"Around here, that's how we get dumb critters to take their medicine. Y'all feelin' smarter yet?"

I'm reading through the comment, because I've just realized what Knot Nazee could mean xD

Knot bad. Knot bad at all.

Actually, I expected Twilight to do something like:

"So the optional sauce is required with every two knots, hm..." She placed a half-bit on the counter. "One knot please."

Taking the knot in her magic, there was a bright flash of magic, and Twilight placed another half-bit piece on the counter the instant the previous coin was gone. "One knot please."

"With two knots, there-- Wait, where is other knot?"

"What other knot?" Twilight looked around, but the room was remarkably knot-free. She turned back to the proprietor with an innocent expression. "One knot please."

.... Five hours later

"Was knot here! I saw with own eyes! And where is coin?"

"I don't know what you are talking about." Twilight put a half-bit down on the counter. "One knot please."

7411787 My "Hand" slipped. I think you just gave me an idea for PP's contest.

F***ing hell! That's just an overreaction! Yes, he was being stupid, refusing to allow his customers to not buy something they didn't want, with a blatant ignorance of the proper definition of 'optional' (i.e. you have the option to buy it, you are not obliged to buy it then have the option of taking it.), and generally being a idiot with whom it was impossible to negotiate, but the Elements of Harmony?!?! He's an annoying pain in the rump whom nopony is obliged to give their buisness to, not a world-threatening evil! What the Mane 6 do here is frightening, and borderline tyrannical! They are the evil here, assaulting a buisnessman for being an idiot! They are no longer worthy of the Elements of Harmony!

Reading my comment, I just had a brilliant idea for an AU where the Mane 6 become evil, so the elements seek new bearers! Somepony, make that happen!

Seriously, what they did was evil and wrong. And, despite how well-written this was, and how my reason is going to look ridiculous to anyone reading it, I can't condone such wrong behaviour. Downvote.

Estee #26 · Jul 21st, 2016 · · 3 ·


I see you're fairly new here, which means we haven't met before. So let's make this quick.

I strand ponies in trees and hang them upside-down from fountains. I replace innocent animal caretakers with Sherman tanks. I killed a fictional cat. I throw humans out of Equestria. I doused Rainbow with fur dye, made Cadance step down as leader of the Empire, got Twilight to cry several times, rigged a lottery, caused the extinction of Crystal Geese, and murdered a piano. I've been told that I write the most cynical and depressing works in the fandom, which includes all the stories in which the entire cast systematically murders each other. And I take it as a compliment.

Or, in the short form:

Hi. I'm Estee.

...You actually wrote it. You decided to actually write this. I am very excited to see how this is executed.

Well. That escalated quickly.

7412416 What was that you say? Downvote? Okay, you ask for option. I give option. :derpytongue2:

in all seriousness... Do you honestly think the Elements of Harmony would stone him, or banish him, or whatever few things we've seen the Elements do on the show... The Elements would most likely do something fitting of the crime, and if it's a minor crime, I suspect they would deliver a minor punishment. The comedy comes in imagining what that punishment would actually be... Maybe the Elements make him smell profusely like garlic breath x100... No pony will go near his shop then! Who knows, that's the fun of story telling! :trollestia:

But seeing as there is no creativity in your comments and you assume the Elements would either blast him and his sham of a store away at 120% power, or the Elements would somehow reject the Mane 6 for abusing their powers, or whatever... Meh. No creativity... No upvote for you! :rainbowlaugh:

Estee, you offer story, one click. Comment optional, one click. Option to make comment or leave. Upvote for you! :twilightsmile:


And if you read the rest (399) of Estee's blogs you will understand from where she gets these ideas! Mind you, reality never ceases to exceed fiction when it comes to wierdness (all due respects, 7412467 dear) but didn't you see/hear/read about Ted Cruze's speech at the RNC? Or that Trump allowed him within a mile of the convention, never mind give him a golden platform from which to vent his spleen!

7412467 But what they did was evil, illogical, and, most importantly, out of character.

7412618 Give me one example when the Elements of Harmony DON'T blast them to the moon and back. And don't say Nightmare Moon because they only blasted her 'to' the moon.
And if it was only a minor crime ( and it technically wasn't a crime at all, as far as I know), why the hell do they need the elements?!

Estee #33 · Jul 21st, 2016 · · 1 ·


Hi. I'm Estee.

7412666 I get it now.

There is only one reply.


This was good.
However the ending didnt go where I thought it was going.
I really expected, after the mayor left and her comments, that Discord was going to show up.
That would have been terrifyingly hilarious.

7412132 omg, As far as I'm concerned, that is the official Omake. :rainbowlaugh:

Guys. Rule of Funny. It works in mysterious ways.

7412650 Give me one example where we get an "Elements of Harmony - For Dummies: A Foals Guide to Using the Elements of Harmony". You have NO MORE PROOF the Elements can only be cranked to either "Max Power" or "MaxER Power", than anyone else has proof they can be set to "Mild tickle" or "Stink face". The POINT is humor.

What I see is a person with no sense of humor, who has difficulty grasping the concept, and who wants to bring others down because you can't grasp the concept. Come back when you grow a funny bone. Your argument... No one's buying. it's a freakin' comedy, and I enjoyed it muchly*! :derpytongue2:

* A rather silly word that is "moar bigger-er" than "greatly", and serves as an utter butchering of the English language, when used in this intentional context. :twilightsheepish:

7412650 You know, now I'm tempted to write a story "When All You Have Is A Hammer" about the new Elements of Harmony right after they've freed Luna. About a week later, Celestia returns to Ponyville to find the most amazing peace and tranquility...because the Elements are being used to blast everything from poor service at the restaurant to stale cupcakes over at Sugarcube Corner.

"We call it The Big Rainbow Beam of Fix Everything!" said Twilight with a bright sparkle in her eye, indicating a certain expectation of being praised for her brilliant idea. "We start with a good zap of something in the morning, because one of the side benefits of using the Elements is a clean coat and well-brushed tail, so we save probably an hour a day just there. It works on weeds, peeling paint, leaky roofs, cranky waiters at Chez Phancy who dump drinks in your lap, and Applejack's apples have never looked bigger or tasted better!"


Go for it.

Optionally: please?

7412911 While I do, I assure you, have a sense of humour, to me the Elements of Harmony being used in such an over-the-top, unnecessary way, (i.e. for a shopkeeper who is just being a pain) is not funny, but rather scary and unnerving. Furthermore, I only wish that there was a facepalm emoticon to express my reaction to your insinuation that the extremely powerful elements could be used to just give a little 'smack-on-the-wrist'. Because frankly that's just ridiculous. Also the thing about them being rejected by the elements was simply said in jest, and in the spirit of humour and imagination.

My only criticism is naming the manager Knot Nazee.
It's a little bit too obvious a reference.
Otherwise, quite a nice little one-shot.

Now Knot Fare, that's a name.
Not an obvious Seinfeld reference, (though I did, and technically still do* love Seinfeld) but also with the wordplay between 'fare' and 'fair'.

*I hope that's the link I was thinking of

7413055 One of the many things I love about Estee's work is that sometimes she takes a real-life experience and turns it into Pony fiction.

Ever try to update a magazine subscription?

Ever suffer from insomnia?

Ever bought a cell phone?

Ever get spam emails?

Doing all sorts of horrible things to fictional shop owners makes for a very entertaining form of stress relief. Burning down a store because the owner is stupid tends to be frowned upon in real life. Blasting a store with friendship beams in fiction can be quite entertaining. It's a cheap form of therapy.

I hope you give some of Estee's other stories a try. Some of us love our piano-murdering pony Hitler...

"You think you can get knots? Please, you're wasting everyone's time!"

Seriously, we already know Twilight does the 'little kicks' dance like Elaine; is this really much of a stretch?

7412618 I assume he gets brainwashed"purified" like Luna got. New stallion who is a generous and fair businesspony arises from the ashes, sweeps Rarity off her hooves.

Don't forget about not being responsible for FimFic Authors are in your Bed.

Also one of these days I'll tell you about the time that we almost murdered an upright piano.


I need to read this.

7413589 Be that as it may, what did the ice-cream churn do to deserve it's fate? #allinanimateobjectlivesmatter

Not forgetting the tapestry. #won'tsomebodythinkoftheartwork?

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