Royal Review
Royal Review
by Jonathan “KnightMysterio” Spires
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Tasty Treat...
Restaurant Row...
Canterlot...
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Saffron Masala was happily stirring some rice, adding some spices to it as she prepared another delicious dish for a customer. Ever since Rarity and Pinkie Pie had helped them overcome their fear of Zesty Gourmand's disapproval, business had been booming. Indeed, all of Canterlot's once infamous Restaurant Row was now thriving, REAL food being prepared.
It felt SO good to prepare real food.
Turning to check on some frying vegetables, she began whistling a happy tune. Once she was satisfied with the vegetables and the rice was done, she plated everything on two dishes, added a light sprinkling of pepper, and brought it out to where Rarity was eating, this time with Applejack.
“...and in one respect, at least, Zesty was right. I really am not fit to comment on food. Which is why Pinkie Pie coming was such a blessing. After all, who'd know what's best for a restaurant than another chef? Oh, thank you darling,” Rarity said as Saffron set the plates down before them.
Saffron smiled, setting down Applejack's plate as well. “Do not overlook your own contributions,” she said. “Without your connections, we never would have gotten the Tasty Treat back to the way it was supposed to be so quickly.”
Rarity beamed. Applejack dug into her food. “Mmm,” she said, grinning. “Fantastic. Love the kick to the roast vegetables. I'd definitely bring the family here.”
Saffron grinned. “I'm very glad to hear that,” she said. “Can I get you anything else?”
“A refill on the tea, if you have the chance, darling,” Rarity said, taking a bite of her dish. “...And the recipe to this, as this is fantastic.”
Saffron grinned playfully. “Sorry. Trade secret. I will get you a refill, though,” she said, going to retrieve the chilled tea pitcher from the freezer. As she did, though, Coriander Cumin came in through the front door, looking terrified.
“Father? Father, what's wrong?” Saffron asked, everyone in the restaurant stopping to look at the exchange.
“It's Zesty. She's... she's effectively declared war on all of Restaurant Row,” Coriander said. “Tomorrow, before everypony opens, she's bringing Prince Blueblood, Princess Celestia, and Princess Luna to sample food from every restaurant.”
A dismayed look crossed Saffron's face. Everypony in the store traded shocked looks. Applejack looked disgusted. “That there Zesty's lower than a snake's underbelly. Bringin' royalty into this...”
Rarity looked thoughtful. “What are you going to do?”
“The owners are all going to meet up tonight and discuss what to do,” Coriander said. “This is bad, very bad...”
Applejack looked uneasy. “...I know Celestia's fairly easygoing. But Luna was raised on the old standards. Plus Prince Blueblood... well, he didn't really make a good first impression first time we met him.”
Rarity shook her head. “I do have my concerns...” she said. “Coriander, Saffron, I just want you to know that Pinkie Pie and I will be there tomorrow for moral support.”
“I can't come,” Applejack said. “Family business. But you'll have my support as well, at least in spirit.”
“Thank you,” he said, smiling. “But I don't know if it will be enough...”
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That evening...
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The owners of the various restaurants gathered in front of the Tasty Treat.
“What'll we do?! We've got ROYALTY coming tomorrow!” shouted one owner.
“We... we can't do this! They've been raised on the same high class crap Zesty was!” shouted another.
“We can't just give up, though!” shouted another.
“Yeah! Business has been booming ever since we dumped Zesty's standards!” shouted another.
Coriander held up his hooves. “My friends... while I admit the message did shock me at first, I have been thinking hard ever since,” he said. “We have sacrificed much, first to live up to the ridiculous standards Zesty Gourmand placed over us, and then to keep our businesses running and thriving after we lost her favor. We are chefs, all of us. Each of us loves to cook. Food is our life. We shall meet this challenge with our best. We shall present the royals with our finest dishes. And if they do not like them, then that is simply their problem.”
The crowd was stunned into silence. Slowly, though, the gathered chefs began to voice their agreement. They were all still scared, but Coriander's speech, plus the freshness of their recent liberation from Zesty gave them the confidence they needed.
They all separated, going to prepare for tomorrow. Once they were all gone, Coriander collapsed, sighing. “Well... it seems I am better suited for public speaking than I thought,” he said, chuckling weakly.
Saffron smiled, hugging him. “I'm proud of you, papa,” she said. “You were very brave.”
Coriander smiled weakly. “Well... We'll see how far bravery gets us...”
/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\
The next day...
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Everypony gathered outside their restaurants. Pinkie Pie, fidgeting nervously, and Rarity, standing elegantly stoic, stood in front of the Tasty Treat. They all watched the skies three royal chariots, two gleaming and golden, one dark and almost demonic in appearance, all landed on the streets that comprised Restaurant Row. Four figures stepped out, looking around with interest.
Celestia, as always, strode with an elegant confidence, her face a mask of serenity. Beside her, looking around more eagerly, was Luna, the night princess sniffing the air with interest. From the second golden chariot came two figures, chatting amiably. One was Prince Blueblood, wearing his usual immaculate white coat, his mane as shining golden as the sunlight. The other was Zesty Gourmand herself, the infamous critic a dark shadow next to the Prince with her coat and pale complexion.
“And here we are,” Zesty said, smirking at the frightened chefs. “Your majesties, I welcome you to Restaurant Row. I'm sure with your refined, cultured palates, you will be able to give these ponies the reviews they deserve.”
“If nothing else, sister, the smells are fantastic!” Luna said.
Celestia nodded. “Indeed. I am most excited about today,” she said.
Zesty faltered a little at this, but kept her composure. Blueblood smirked at this, and said, “Come, Aunties! These fine restaurateurs have provided their wares for us. It would be rude not to sample them.”
“Ah, but where shall we start, sister?” Luna asked.
Celestia looked around, and spotted Pinkie Pie and Rarity standing next to the Tasty Treat. “Perhaps there,” she said. Zesty grinned viciously as the three royals headed over to the restaurant.
Coriander smiled nervously. “Your majesties. I am Coriander Cumin, and this is my daughter, Saffron Masala,” he said.
Saffron nodded, visibly frightened but smiling. “We are the owners of the Tasty Treat. We hope you enjoy our food.”
Celestia smiled. “Be at peace,” she said. “I'm sure it will be lovely.”
“Indeed,” Luna agreed. “It seems you also have the endorsement of two of our friends.”
Zesty was visibly stunned by this. Luna continued, not noticing her shock. “Rarity is a mare of quality. And we can always trust Pinkie Pie to know when something is good to eat.” Rarity blushed at this, while Pinkie Pie bounced happily at the compliment.
Coriander and Saffron smiled at each other, their confidence bolstered, motioning them inside. After Pinkie Pie and Rarity went in, the guards that were with the royals stationed themselves outside the door. Saffron ran into the kitchen to get the first course, coming out with three bowls and three glasses of tea. Celestia, Luna, and Blueblood looked around with approval at the cheerful décor. “First,” Coriander said, “our spicy flat-noodle soup. An old family favorite.”
Three horns glowed, and three bowls of soup were picked up and sampled. Almost immediately, all three faces were smiling.
“Exquisite. The spices are perfectly blended,” Celestia said. “And the noodles are a perfect tenderness. Well done.”
“Indeed. The stock itself is rich and hearty. Most pleasing,” Luna added.
“While I am not fond of spicy things,” Blueblood said after a moment, “I do have to admit that this is quite good. The blend of flavors is quite subtle, and yet the blending, as Auntie Celestia said, is quite bold. I approve.”
The three finished their soup eagerly. Emboldened, Saffron brought out a dumpling dish, the dumplings covered in a yogurt-and-gram flour gravy over rice..
“Kadhi bari,” Celestia said, recognizing it. “Offering Whindian cuisine from all over the region? I approve.”
“Thank you, your majesty,” Saffron said. “While we have lived all our lives in Equestria, we have not forgotten where our ancestors came from.”
“We wished to share that with others,” Coriander added. “That's why we opened the Tasty Treat.”
“So far, thy restaurant is well-named,” Luna said, picking up a fork with her magic, Celestia and Blueblood doing the same. The three of them sampled the dish, beaming brightly.
“Ah, such magnificent texture!” Celestia said.
“Most excellent,” Luna said. “A fine dish.”
“Excellent use of flavors,” Blueblood said. “I would most definitely have this again!”
Rarity grinned, while Pinkie Pie was literally shaking with excitement. This was going better than they could have hoped so far.
“We have a dessert for you as well!” Coriander said, this time going into the kitchen himself.
“I believe you will enjoy it,” Saffron said. “It is called Jalebi. In concept it is similar to a funnel cake, but with its own distinct nature.”
“I like funnel cake,” Celestia said in a chipper tone.
“Surprise surprise,” Blueblood said with amusement.
Coriander came out with a plate of small, orange, spiraling disks of fried dough, a crystalline texture covering them. A dollop of what looked like a thicker yogurt was on top each disk. “The topping is rabri. I hope you enjoy.”
“What is going on...” Zesty said, visibly shocked that the royals were enjoying their meal so much.
Celestia was the first to try the jalebi, a bright smile coming to her face “Mmmm!” she said. “Quite good!”
This inspired both Blueblood and Luna to taste the jalebi as well, elicting similar reactions from the two.
“Mm,” Blueblood said, polishing off a second jalebi. “Most delightful. Would you prepare a to-go order of these? Once we're done with our samplings, I believe I would like to enjoy these this evening after supper.”
“O-Of course, Prince Blueblood!” Saffron said, grinning widely.
“A fine dining experience,” Luna said, polishing off a third. “Cheerful décor, fine food, and excellent hosts. I do approve.”
“Indeed,” Celestia said, nodding in agreement. “But as much as I would like to try more, we said we'd sample everything on Restaurant Row today. Shall we?”
The three royals excused themselves politely, chatting about how much they enjoyed the restaurant and its food. Coriander and Saffron hugged each other happily at their success. Rarity and Pinkie Pie cast triumphant grins at Zesty, who was fuming visibly.
“How do you like THAT you meanie meaniepants?” Pinkie Pie teased.
“This isn't over,” Zesty said. “You may have tricked the three of them, but I trust in the culture and refinement of the royal family. They'll put the restaurants back in their place, and all of this garish nonsense will be destroyed.” She stormed out with a huff.
“One down,” Rarity said. “Let's keep after them.”
“Actually, Rarity, I kinda wanna try those mini funnel cake things,” Pinkie Pie said, producing a small sack of bits. “Those looked good! Join you later?”
Rarity nodded, and ran out after them into the next restaurant, the Smoked Oat, the posted guards letting her inside. To her delight, the Princesses were clearly enjoying themselves already, while Blueblood's face was carefully neutral. Zesty, for her part, was still staring at them with visible confusion. The rustic décor and weapons on the wall gave the place a historical feel.
“Some ale to start you off with,” said the boisterous chef with the spatula Cutie Mark, pouring glasses for all of them. “Only the best.”
“I truly love the way you have this place set up, sir chef,” Luna said. “It reminds me of the olden days, especially with the weaponry mounting the walls. Were you a soldier?”
The chef beamed. “Yes ma'am. Served in the royal guard for twenty years before retiring to follow my dream,” he said. “The name's Massive Bottles. And I hope you enjoy what we got for you.”
The first course were plates of grilled vegetables coated in a butter glaze. “Oh my, these look marvelous!” Celestia said, she and the others digging in. As they ate, a wistful look crossed Luna's face.
“Tia... remember the great feasts we used to go to?” the moon princess said.
Celestia brightened. “That's what this reminds me of!” she said. “You're thinking of Warlord Vulcan specifically, right?”
Luna nodded. “Indeed. He could be a brute at times, but he was an honorable sort. And oh, he knew how to throw a party. The roasts, the breads... Every single course was fantastic!”
Celestia nodded, smiling as she finished her plate. “Indeed. Thank you sir, for bringing up such a fond memory with your fine cuisine!”
Luna finished hers as well. “Most definitely. Blueblood! What say you, nephew?”
Blueblood smirked as he ate. “I think if all the food we eat today is as good as this, you're going to have to roll me home. The glaze on this is fantastic, and is just subtle enough to enhance the flavors of the vegetables without overriding them completely. My compliments.”
Massive was grinning. “Speaking of, perhaps you'd like to try my smoke-roasted cucumber sandwiches?”
“Smoked cucumber?” Celestia asked, curious.
Massive nodded, gesturing for his assistant to bring out a plate of sandwiches. “Yep! In addition to our history of service to the crown, our family has also been making wood-smoked food for generations as well. Learned the trade after watching my mother, grandmother, and aunt as they made the food for our family got me interested.”
“A fine thing, to carry on tradition,” Celestia said, taking a bite of her sandwich. “This is also a fine thing. Which I am going to want for lunch. All next week,” she added, Massive grinning happily.
Luna ate her sandwich, looking thoughtful. “I confess that I am not a fan of cucumbers. But a sandwich this good is almost enough to make me change my mind. You have done well, sir,” she said.
“Thank you, your majesty!” Massive said. At her admission that she didn't like cucumbers, Massive had been nervous. But his concerns were soothed almost immediately.
Blueblood, for his part, looked thoughtful. “This is quite good... I can't quite tell what wood you used, though, and I'm usually quite good at telling the difference...” he said.
“Everwood, sir. I've got a cousin who works in the lumberjack corps at keeping the Everfree from overgrowing in certain areas of Equestria. He sends me the wood I use for my smoker,” Massive Bottles explained.
Blueblood brightened. “AH! Excellent choice. Everwood smoke always adds a deep flavor to things that I enjoy,” he said.
Zesty grumbled incoherently. Rarity sighed in relief.
Massive gestured to the back again, his assistant bringing out a basket of sweet-smelling rolls that glistened in the daylight.
“Oooh...” the three royals chorused.
“My special sugar-basted rolls!” Massive proclaimed proudly. “I basted the dough in my own special sugar mixture before baking them, and filled each one with a mixed fruit blend.”
Blueblood was the first to dig in this time. “Mmph,” he said through the bite in his mouth. “I say old boy, this is quite the delicacy!” He swallowed what was in his mouth, and continued. “Mixed fruit usually worries me, as many places I've sampled make a sugary mush out of the mixture. But you've managed to maintain a perfect blend, allowing a pony to taste each individual flavor of fruit in the mixture. Plus, the bread has an exquisite texture and a refined sweetness. My compliments.”
Celestia and Luna, for their part, had gone nostalgic again. “Hm... Baron Ironmane the Stark,” Celestia said after a moment. “He always had such fine sweetrolls.”
“Ah, yes, I remember him,” Luna said around a mouthful of roll. She swallowed, and smirked. “He was as sweet as the treats he served, but he was also an incurable flirt.”
Celestia giggled, blushing a little, which astonished Zesty, Rarity, and Massive.
Blueblood smiled at Massive. “Food can be a gateway to memory,” he said. “The fact that your cuisine has inspired good memories not once, but twice, is to be commended.”
Massive bowed slightly. “Thank you, sir!”
Zesty's eye was twitching as the three royals finished their meals and their ale. “They'll see. They'll all see. The royals are the epitome of culture. They'll show them all that I was right...” she muttered. Rarity had her doubts about that, but she kept them to herself. Karma, after all, tended to take care of herself.
“May I make a suggestion?” Rarity offered, coming up to them.
Blueblood smirked at her. “Well, you've shown in the past that you do have a rather good eye for the finer things in life. Aunties?”
“I trust her,” Celestia said simply. Luna nodded in agreement.
Rarity smiled. “Then perhaps the Bake Stop,” she said, motioning for them to follow her across the street.
“Oooh, bakery!” Celestia chirped when she stepped inside. Blueblood and Luna traded amused looks at Celestia's love of baked goods. The smell of fine cakes and pastries greeted them, the interior of the restaurant looking as homey and inviting as a home kitchen.
The chubby owner of the store came out, bowing. “Your majesties,” she said. “I welcome you to my humble bakery. My name is Clear Diction. Perhaps a cream tea to start you off?”
The royals were visibly pleased by this. Clear's assistants brought out freshly brewed tea, baked scones, and trays of clotted cream and jam.
Luna nibbled on a scone, and smiled. “Excellent. Most scones are usually too dry for my liking, but these are very well made.”
Celestia poured herself some tea, spreading some jam on one of the scones. She sipped at the tea, smiling. “Mmm, a fine blend,” she said, taking a bite her scone.
Blueblood, meanwhile, was spreading some cream on a scone. “More cultured than one would expect from a bakery. I approve,” he said with a smile as he took a bite of scone. “I also approve of this scone. Lighter than I'm used to, but it doesn't detract from it at all. And the cream is fantastic.”
Clear grinned happily. “Well. Next up, I have my famous marshmallow-filled brownies,” she said, levitating over a plate of chocolate frosted brownies from the counter.
“Oooh, marshmallow!” Luna chirped.
Blueblood snickered. “You'll have to forgive Auntie Luna's enthusiasm. Ever since she discovered s'mores she's had a fondness for anything with marshmallow in it.”
Clear Diction smiled. “Well then, I hope you'll like these,” she said.
The three royals sampled the treats, thoughtful looks crossing their faces as they ate.
“Hm...” Celestia said. “Quite good... Do you think Cadance and Shining Armor would like these?”
Blueblood nodded. “Oh yes. I daresay these are definitely worth sharing,” he said, polishing off his brownie in a few more bites.
“Perhaps Twilight would like some as well,” Luna said, clearly savoring her brownie.
Celestia nodded. “I could also get her to send some to Sunset Shimmer...” she said softly.
Rarity froze at the mention of Celestia's wayward student. Zesty and Clear Diction, however, just looked confused. “Ma'am? Who's Sunset Shimmer?” she asked.
Celestia cursed herself for thinking out loud. She was in too good a mood, she supposed. “A former student and dear friend. It's not important right now, though. I'd like four orders of these fine brownies to be prepared. I will send somepony by later with the money and delivery addresses.”
Clear nodded happily. “Yes, your majesty!” she said. Things were going far better than she had imagined. “And now, for the grand finale! Bundt cake!”
Celestia cheered like a little kid. “YAAAY!”
Luna snorted laughter. “Really, Tia?”
Celestia grinned. “Gettin' cake. Don't care.”
Blueblood rolled his eyes in amusement. “Really, Auntie. You're the only pony I know who behaves so childishly over their favorite food.”
Celestia stuck out her tongue at him, the three royals chuckling.
Rarity, meanwhile, was trying not to laugh at the shocked, disbelieving look on Zesty's face at the antics of the three royals. She was succeeding. Mostly.
Clear brought out a large, impressive bundt cake, Celestia grinning excitedly. “This here's my mother's recipe. Passed down through generations,” Clear said, cutting a piece for all three of her guests. Once she set the plates down, Celestia unashamedly added a second piece to her plate.
The three began to eat, and were almost immediately enraptured. “Mmmm! This is fantastic!” Luna said. “This is indeed a truly family recipe, as you can taste the pure love within it!”
Blueblood nodded in agreement. “The texture is absolutely fabulous. Plus, you've done a marvelous job on the glaze. It adds just the right amount of sweetness without distracting from the flavor of the cake.”
“SSOOOOO GOOOOOOD!!” Celestia groaned in sheer bliss as she ate her slices, making Luna giggle and Blueblood facehoof.
“The ruler of the sun, everypony,” Blueblood amusedly said to Rarity and Zesty, the former giggling in amusement, the latter looking horrified.
Zesty could feel her scheme slipping through her hooves. She had hoped Celestia, Luna, and Blueblood would bring their culture and refinement to this place, that their properly educated Canterlot palates would see her way, that the barest hint of flavor is what made food truly good.
But after leaving the Bake Stop, her plan crumpled like a poorly made souffle. The three royals gave rave reviews to each restaurant they visited, even placing food orders for later at some of them. The aura of fear that the day had begun with vanished, replaced by an aura of happiness and excitement. The royals, for their part, were having a blast. So much good food to eat! Blueblood became full quickly and had to resort to merely sampling dishes, but the two alicorns had a much larger stomach capacity, eating everything offered to them. Each dish brought pleasure, some even stirring up happy memories of feasts gone by, and in some cases memories of sisterly bonding.
By the end of the tour of Restaurant Row, ending just outside Neighponese restaurant across from the Tasty Treat, both Luna and Celestia were sporting slightly bulging guts and happy expressions on their faces. Rarity and Pinkie Pie, the latter having rejoined the procession after the Bake Stop, were both delighted with the way the day had gone. As for Zesty Gourmand...
“I don't understand...” she muttered. “I don't understand...”
“I must say, Zesty,” Luna said, suppressing a burp. “I'm quite pleased you've brought us here today.”
Celestia was less successful in her attempt not to burp. “Pardon me,” she said, blushing. “And yes, I do appreciate that you've taken us here today.”
Blueblood nodded. “Things have greatly improved around here now that they've all abandoned that dull, cookie-cutter 'haute-cuisine' look. Much more color and variety!”
Zesty shook her head. “Your majesties, please... I don't understand... How could you like this overbearing garbage?!”
Celestia and Luna looked confused, while a vicious grin crossed Blueblood's face. “I don't understand,” Celestia said, honestly baffled by Zesty's reaction.
“The barest hint of a sensation... a subtle taste... THAT is what true culinary art is!” Zesty said. “You're the most cultured ponies in the world! You've had millenia to refine your palates! Why can't you understand that?!”
Luna looked annoyed. “Culinary 'art?'” she scoffed. “BAH! If I want art, I'll go to a museum. When food is involved, give me something rich and hearty with lots of flavor, and I will be satisfied. I don't care if it looks nice.”
Celestia frowned, giving Zesty a disappointed look. “I have had the chance to refine my palate over the millenia, my little pony. I've been blessed with the opportunity to sample food from all over Equestria, all over the world! Variety is a wonderful thing, Zesty. Restaurant Row is full of life now, so many wonderful, vibrant colors, tastes, and smells, a vast tapestry of cultures. This is as it should be. Why can't you understand?”
Blueblood sneered at her. “Subtle taste? We have different definitions of subtle. Barest hint of sensation? Yeah, that's a word for that. BLAND. Plus, the proportions you favor are pathetic. I've had bigger hors d'oeuvres than the literally tasteless garbage you think of as meals.”
Luna nodded. “Honestly, I've been wondering about that. Ponies these days seem so emaciated, especially in Canterlot. When did this ridiculous modern trend of itty bitty portions start, Tia?”
Celestia shook her head. “I don't know... As old as I am, there are still things I can never seem to get...”
Zesty fumed, finally at her limit. “You... You're supposed to be the PINNACLE of culture! You were supposed to UNDERSTAND!! Instead, I find that you favor the OVERBEARING, borderline TOXIC levels of flavor that the commoners prefer! I see you behaving like BARBARIANS, stuffing your faces like UGLY FAT PIGS, I cannot believe how STUPID you all look...” she yelled. It took her a moment, but she realized that things had gone suddenly quiet. She looked around, seeing that Rarity, Pinkie Pie, the gathered chefs from the various restaurants and the assorted onlookers that showed up throughout the review were all staring at her in shock. Slowly, she turned back to the royals, her eyes widening fearfully.
Celestia and Luna's expressions had gone cold. The guards were glaring at her and pointing their spears at her. Blueblood, for his part, had an almost demonic smile on his face, as if he were waiting for this.
“That's lèse-majesté. You insulted royalty. To their faces, no less!” he crowed. “A treason-level offense, if I remember the law correctly.”
Zesty Gourmand paled. “I... I-I...” she stammered, backing away in fright.
Blueblood held up a hoof to interrupt her. “Fortunately,” he said, “your rulers are quite forgiving.”
Celestia was the first to break her glare. “...True, true,” she admitted, motioning for the guards to stand down. They did so, but reluctantly.
“What?!” Luna protested.
“Free speech, Luna,” Celestia said simply.
Luna rolled her eyes and sighed. “Fine, fine fine fine, I pardon you as well,” she muttered. “Jerk...”
Zesty breathed a sigh of relief. “Don't relax too much,” Blueblood said. “Truthfully? I've been wanting to sabotage your hold over Restaurant Row for a long time. Your mentor, Egolus Antonius, would be so very ashamed of you for what you tried to turn it into.”
Zesty looked affronted. “The job of a critic is to bring their skills and experience to show those that they are critiquing how things should be done!” she said.
“Not quite correct,” Blueblood said sternly. “Avoiding personal bias is impossible, granted, but the critic is only supposed to offer their opinions and at the MOST, offer suggestions on how to improve. THEY ARE NOT SUPPOSED INFLICT THEIR PERSONAL TASTES ON A RESTAURANT. You are a poor critic.” Blueblood closed his eyes, sighing. “Egolus Antonius... he was a genius. He knew quality when he saw it. His standards were high, yes, but he was FAIR. And he was never cruel to those he reviewed. He always encouraged improvement. Under his guidance, Restaurant Row became one of Canterlot's biggest attractions!” Blueblood glared at her. “Under your misguided watch, ponies began to use your three-hooved rating to know which restaurants to AVOID. You were hurting tourism with your inane system, Zesty!”
Zesty huffed indignantly. “Is it my fault that other ponies don't have good taste?”
“The only one without taste is your preferred style of food, you ironically-named twit,” Blueblood said. “Sometimes I wonder if you even have tastebuds...”
Zesty glared at him, realization suddenly dawning. “...You set this up,” she said softly.
“I did,” Blueblood said. “Although I can't take all the credit.” He turned to Pinkie Pie and Rarity, going up to Rarity and kissing her hoof in a gentlemanly manner, Rarity blushing and giggling. “This mare...” the prince said. “When I first met her I mistook her for just another gold digger. But after I encountered her again, I realized the canny mind behind her elegant looks. And while romance has regrettably been proven not to be a viable option for us, I value her insight and knowledge. I was not surprised to see that she and one of her friends played a large role in the restoration of Restaurant Row to it's proper form.” He turned, smirking at Zesty. “As for the rest of my plan, you put yourself in the line of fire when you came to us to give a review. I knew Luna preferred things as they were in the old days, and I knew that Celestia grew up on a wonderfully varied diet. I myself have had similar blessings of experience. Your plan was doomed from the word go, Zesty Gourmand, all because you assumed that everypony of higher standing than you was like you.”
“You magnificent bastard,” Rarity said softly, finally getting it.
Pinkie Pie frowned. “What's going on?” she asked.
Rarity grinned. “He wanted her to commit lèse-majesté, and in front of me,” she said. “With my connections, I could ruin her, make sure that she never forces her ideals on any restaurant ever again.”
“Indeed,” Blueblood said.
“WHY?!” Zesty demanded in frustration.
Blueblood glared at her. “This city is my home. I love Canterlot, and will defend her and her ponies from anything that threatens it. Your inane standards for restaurants were hurting tourism, as I said before, and ruining Canterlot's reputation,” he said, scowling. “I will not allow my home's standing in the world to be brought down by an arrogant little IMBECILE who can't even do her job right!”
“Well said!” Luna said, grinning.
“I'm proud of you, nephew,” Celestia said, beaming. Blueblood blushed at the praise, chuckling.
Zesty snarled. “Bastard...” she muttered. “Obviously, there are no ponies of culture here! I will NEVER come to this foul place ever again!”
The chefs all cheered wildly at this announcement, Blueblood smirking again. Zesty, completely defeated, skulked off, muttering to herself.
Celestia and Luna came up to Blueblood, Rarity, and Pinkie Pie.
“So what now, friend Rarity?” Luna asked. “Will you destroy Zesty Gourmand's reputation?”
Rarity looked thoughtful. “No... No, I think the threat of what I can do will be enough to control her. And besides! It may encourage her to actually get over herself and try new things!” Rarity said, smiling.
Blueblood snorted. “More generous than I'd be with her,” he said. “I knew her predecessor and admired him. To this day it baffles me that Egolus would pick THAT fool as his successor...”
Celestia smiled at Rarity. “A fitting gesture from the Bearer of Generosity,” she said.
Luna nodded. “We three are going to return to the palace to savor our meals. Once we are done collecting the orders we made during our little tour, shall we give you a lift anywhere?”
Rarity glanced at Pinkie Pie, who shrugged, smiling. “I think we'll stay and walk around a bit,” she said. “Canterlot truly is a beautiful city, and I rarely have the time to get up here. There's so many things that I think both Pinkie and I can enjoy together.”
“Then farewell for now to you both,” Celestia said. “It is a pleasure to meet with you as always.” The three royals trotted off, chatting merrily amongst themselves.
Pinkie Pie sat down near Rarity, smiling. “Wowie zowie...” she said. “That went great!”
Rarity smiled happily. “Indeed. A fine ending all around,” she said.
Pinkie Pie sighed. “I kinda feel bad, though. I didn't get to do anything. I was a fifth wheel on the little red wagon of this adventure.”
“Oh, tish tosh,” Rarity said, hugging her. “I always enjoy having you with me.”
“Awww!” Pinkie Pie said, grinning happily and hugging Rarity.
Rarity chuckled. “Come. I didn't lie when I said there were things to show you that you may enjoy.” The two walked off, content that their friends were no longer in danger, as the restaurants finally opened for business.
THE END
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Ever since I saw the "Spice it Up" episode, I have been looking for stories based on it. Like some of the fans, I was disappointed that Zesty Gourmand did not take Rarity's suggestion to try Coriander's and Saffron's food. Even though she still was her stuck-up self, I could see Zesty making the maneuver to regain her authority as food critic by using the Princesses and (surprisingly) Prince Blueblood to sample the food.
I liked that while Rarity and Pinkie Pie had their moments in the story, you gave some of the restaurant owners, including Saffron and her father, more of the spotlight with incredibly tasty descriptions of their signature dishes. I already had finished dinner while reading this story and I found myself wanting to eat those yummy meals!
In some ways, Zesty reminds me of season 5 Starlight Glimmer, in that both ponies held such rigid and narrow beliefs on a topic of great interest to them (SG-cutie marks, ZG-food). And yet, these beliefs would have a hurtful impact on other ponies around them, as we saw with the Our Village and the Restaurant Row-everything was the same, no variety or real character was shown, and those that did were shunned. And like Starlight Glimmer, Zesty tried to get her revenge on the ponies who took away her control of Canterlot cuisine, but failed miserably. Based on her fate in both the episode and this story, Zesty only has 2 options: 1) she can remain unchanged and wind up losing any credibility she has left as a food critic or 2) she can maintain her own personal food preferences but be mindful of other ponies' tastes and focus on how well a restaurant caters to a variety of tastes, hers and others.
Anyways, I fave this story! Great follow-up to the episode! And I enjoyed your version of Prince Blueblood!
Overall, I rather enjoyed this. I like how you build and created tiny stories for the other chiefs along Restaurant Row.
The only nit-pick I have is that Blueblood seems a little too... (how should I put this?) open minded? I do however agree at what he had to say to Zesty at the end.
For what you got, this is good.
Awesome story Knight! You never disappoint me!
I also liked Blueblood's portrayal here and how Zesty got what she had coming! Shame the royal ponies didn't visit the Gordon Ramsay pony's restaurant...
Oh, and I'm just gonna leave this here:
Thanks for referencing this guy!
I like this Blueblood :)
7302040 My justification for Our Favorite Royal Snob being nice is that Blueblood was raised with Celestia as a mentor. And she's always been fairly accepting.
I've been thinking about this a lot lately, and am starting to develop the headcanon that Blueblood is actually a pretty decent guy. During the Gala, he simply mistook Rarity for a gold digger and played up the Prince Charmless routine to get rid of her. Later on, during... I think it was Sweet and Elite, Rarity is seen with Prince Blueblood at an airship christening. If Blueblood was still so insufferable, why would Rarity deign to associate with him?
Egolus Antonius...
Ignoring the fact that that's not how pony names work at all, this was a very pleasant read. Especially a fan of your Blueblood characterization.
7302175 Okay, fair enough. Although to answer your question about Sweet and Elite, I have two words for you: Fancy Pants. One who, as Rarity put it, "the most influential pony in all of Canterlot." So to make the devil's argument here, I think if you're trying to get notice, especially from the movers and shakers that could make or break dreams, that even if the devil himself was there, that if you really wanted to make your dream come true, wouldn't you bear it and grin it?
Now don't get me wrong here, I'm not saying that I don't like this Blueblood. As I've said, it was only a nit-pick.
7302199 I couldn't think of a good pony name for him... Glad you enjoyed the story despite that, though.
7302205 Fair enough. And I'm glad you like the story. But I'm still standing by my headcanon for Bluey.
I approve of this Blueblood. If I could, he'd get a three hoof rating.
Well done, Knight.
All throughout the tastings I kept get flashbacks to watching Iron Chef of a Saturday night and admiring what the chefs could do with just one hour.
I actually feel a little bad for Zesty.
Which is strange considering her fate is far from how bad it could've been, or how bad I'm sure other writers will make it.
With the overall tone, I think I would've loved to see some reconciliation. With Celestia right there... This could've been the moment.
7302205
She didn't look like she was doing it with gritted teeth. In fact, they both looked like they were enjoying themselves.
Besides, Rarity's generosity does extend to giving ponies a second chance. She's not one to hold on to long-term grudges. If she were, I doubt she would've forgiven her friends for torpedoing her fashion career after making her slave over their ugly dresses for day on end.
Very, very well done. I think you did a bang up job on all three of the royals. With Oz... I mean Blueblood, sorry I tend to refer to him by the name I gave him, you did exceptionally well with him, hell this would work perfectly in my headcanon and my Blueblood is about as far as you can get from the normal fandom interpretation of him.
Who would want SaffronBlood as a Ship?
It's nice to see Blueblood as something other than an uptight buttmonkey occasionally. All around nice work. I'm also looking forward to you updating Waking Nightmares
Nice story, good characters, for a moment when we had a Cake-lestia moment I got worried but it didn't go anywhere, and nice-guy Blueblood!
I give this story a three hoof rating!
7302287 ooh ooh! Me! I would want that! XD
Zetsy should meet Yukihera Souma...
Or even Toriko
7302444 Hm... She reminds me too much of Asami Nakamura/Nakiri, really... only I think even Asami would tear her a new one for her sub-par standards of food... Meanwhile, he's an abusive ass.
An excellent read, though that ending speech by Blueblood felt a little bit out of character, but just little. A good story.
Also, Warlord Vulcan? I am sure He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named-For-He-Is-Supremely-Butthurt might not approve you taking the name of one of his character, but since he ran away from Fimfic, he will never know.
7302611 Oh, so that's why Darth Vulcan hasn't updated in ages. Reality Check checked out.
This story kind of makes me sick. You spent 5000 words ramming home the same point the episode made, twisting the knife and gloating over the corpse of the villain's ideology, while adding nothing original except for wildly out of character behavior and a decent Ponejabi dish. I spent the whole story looking for some sign that there would be a lesson learned, maybe some kind of redemption or understanding -- but no, it was just a full-on hateboner wank session. Zesty Gourmand is a jerk, sure. What lesson does My Little Pony teach us about jerks? Is it that they should be ostracized and publicly humiliated? Consider that the next time you find yourself writing Celestia smiling as she watches the life and livelihood of one of her little ponies being ground smarmily into the dirt, with no thought whatsoever to, oh, I don't know...friendship.
7302981
"Checking out" is putting it kindly. "Running Away Screaming and Shouting Insults" is far closer to the truth. Not to say I didn't enjoy his stories, but the guy himself was pretty obnoxious, and he couldn't take hearing any critizism no more. He still has his MLP stories up, and he even sometimes updates some of them, but they're on a site that you can't just join in, meaning he can stew in his own self-rightenousness all day and no-one can tell him differently.
If you want to check him still out though, I wrote down the link to that site. Here we go.
I approve of the message here.
-'Your creation is awful, and that's the objective truth.'
-'Why?'
-'Because I say so!'
That stuff always makes me so sad.
The episode reminded me of when I spent a whole day rigging up a stage for a party at a fancy hotel. The staff gave us free grub, which was nice, but it was a few leaves, a slice of radish and some bland bread. A chocolate bar would've been more filling and tasted better. Most people spend their days working, and when they've done that, they're hungry
Anyway, nice little story, and this stuck out to me:
Kind of... impertinent? To welcome a pair of benevolent dictators to a place in their own city. Especially one who was there when it was built and who've lived there before anyone else there was even born. Very in-character, though
7303035 Ah. He went full Brooke McEldowney. No wonder Ralphie is holed up in the AO3 gated community. Good riddance to bad rubbish, I say.
7302611 The name was picked randomly, with no connection to Reality Check.
This story was a light, breezy read. No real conflict ever quite came into focus, but in the end I didn't really mind. I took enjoyment out of the Princesses food tour.
I will say that I never quite buy the "Blueblood was a good guy all along" thing as it doesn't really mesh up with his canon appearance. (People often forget that he approached Rarity first. "Hey, that woman across the way seems attracted to me. How dare she! I should ruin her evening to teach her a lesson. And also insult her friend's food."). The tendency to want to redeem him is an interesting one though. I wonder if authors will do the same with Zesty someday.
7302991 Sometimes jerks need a slap in the face to realize that they're being a jerk. Admittedly, this is more of a kick to the grundle than a slap to the face, but the analogy stands. Plus, initially, all currently-good villains have gotten humiliated before reforming.
Gilda: pranks set up by Rainbow Dash that she accidentally triggered.
Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon: Outclassed and outdone by the CMC on many occasions.
Trixie: Ursa Major the first time, defeated by Twilight using her own schtick (stage magic) on her
Discord: Defeated after he thought he had won, and then put into a situation where sticking to his old ways would cost him something he'd come to value (Fluttershy's friendship), used as a tool by Tirek
Starlight Glimmer: Lost her village of brainwashed servants, plus being forced to realize that she would damn Equestria if she kept on her path
Sunset Shimmer: driven mad by power, took a rainbow to the face, nearly bullied to death until she saved the school
Human Twilight Sparkle: Not really a villain, but included because she was a Shadowbolt (+Midnight Sparkle). She learned exactly WHY you shouldn't mess with things you understand until you're ready.
Ground into the dirt? Hardly. Zesty still has her job and Rarity, who at this point is her social executioner, has chosen to sheath her metaphorical sword unless Zesty forces her hoof. If you'll recall, this arrangement that Blueblood created for Zesty is EXACTLY what the setup for Discord was initially. (Be good or the Elements will turn you into a lawn ornament.) And while the royalty doesn't support her, there are still enough social snobs out there who favor Zesty that could easily restart in another city if she felt like it.
Zesty has every opportunity now to change her ways. Review things FAIRLY.
Grinding the life and livelihood of ponies into the dirt? Like, oh, say, what Zesty was doing to Restaurant Row by forcing her unrealistic standards on every restaurant? By condemning Coriander Cumin and Saffron Masala to losing their livelihood because they didn't make food SHE liked? All I'm doing is revoking Zesty's karma houdini warranty, and even then I'm being much nicer to her than I could have been.
Celestia wasn't praising Blueblood for dissing Zesty. She was praising Blueblood for protecting the livelihood of the chefs of Restaurant Row.
However, you are entitled to your opinion. I'm sorry you didn't like the story. I hope you will better enjoy my other works. But if not, again, you are entitled to your opinion.
7303386 See my aforementioned theory of him playing up the Prince Charmless routine to get rid of her. "Hm? Oh geez, another vapid rich socialite coming to mooch off of me. I have better things to do than to play up to some gold digger. ...Heh. I wonder how she'd react if I threw her little 'prince' fantasy back in her face." And then later in the Gala, after she yelled at him. "...She actually stood up to me? Wow, that was hot..."
7302611
That name belonged to the Star Trek franchise first anyway.
I do find it interesting you made Blueblood more then just the butt-monkey (Which is fine in some stories) but I can perfectly imagine him holding great pride in where he lives and wanting to keep Canterlot's reputation intact anyway he can.
7302287 Got my vote!
7303476 But regarding Blueblood, isn't that far, far worse? Because again, Rarity did nothing to him. She didn't even initiate their encounter... He first came up to her. So if his subsequent behavior isn't due to him being oblivious, then he's really just a celebrity who picks women who he suspects might be into him out of a crowd and proceeds to treat them like crap for his own amusement.
Ah well... It ultimately doesn't matter to the enjoyment of this particular story. Thanks for sharing it!
7303627 Hence Bluey saying that 'romance is not a viable option' for them.
...I'm honestly inspired to create a story based on this concept that I'm coming up with.
This is byotiful. 10/10! I loved every moment of it. I LOVE food and this story hit me right in the feels. Masterfully done, Mysterio.
7302287 I ship it.
Internal Trollestia musings, "I can make that sound dirty..."
Tabloid headline: CELESTIA ADMITS TO EATING CALF AND LAMB BRAINS!! Cows and sheep across Equestria are both shocked and horrified! The griffon leaders, however, find that that this makes her less lame!
(Sweetbreads or ris are culinary names for the thymus or the pancreas especially of calf and lamb..)
Orrrrrrr, get paid lots of money by Disney to say all their movies are great and bash all the rest! (Conspiracies abound!)
This was a good story
7303818 Whups... Well, in the context of this story, and what ponies would think of the term, she's referring to breads that are sweet...
Eheheheh...
Heheh...
Heh...
*flees*
7303914 We already know the truth: alicorns eat ponies to maintain immortality.
Because it's grimdark, it MUST be true!
7303929 HE KNOWS TOO MUCH.
FEED HIM TO THE CHANGELINGS!
Good to seeing Zest get what's coming to her, like I always say 'some critics wouldn't know (a) good (insert topic) if it bit em in the ass'
Besides I've never liked bland food, even if it's just simply cooked on the grill or just a dash of salt n pepper ya still get good flavored food
You know, Luna would always have been the least likely to enjoy the crap food that they were originally serving because of her thousand year absence. She came from a time when conflict was more common so they didn't have time for the 'fake-nobility' style of eating and food would be much heartier. Look at things that would be common dishes now and a thousand years ago they would have been things on royalty had access to. Lasgna, turkey dinners with all the fixings, and others like that were not common fare.
7303476
But how will you ever be ready, how will you ever understand them if you don't mess with them? If we all took that kind of approach, nothing important would ever be learned or invented. It is precisely because you don't understand something that you should experiment boldly.
Boldly, mind you, not stupidly. What she really (should have) learned is proper safety precautions when experimenting with unknown forces of nature.
7303979 STAND BACK!! I have a giant DDT bugbomb I bought from China, which means it's EXTRA toxic, and I'm not afraid to use it!
Ah.. I feel very, very satisfied.
Food is like a story. If it's bland, it's a pain to consume, and you leave disgusted. And of course, the portions must be carefully balanced. Some things are suited for large portions, some are simply hors-d'oeuvres, appetizers. It's all a balance. But blandness is never the answer. Sure, some people can like blandness, and of course, it is out there. But rich, delicious stories are the best.
And this one? ^-^ A meal fit for a king.
Yours,
Spirit.
(PS: Also, thanks for giving Zesty a nice kick in the flank!)
7302287
It's great that Season 5 and 6 have had plenty of new ponies to ship.
Personally I favor
Moondancer x Sunburst
Saffron x 8-Bit (Shining Armor's school buddy)
Rara x Big Mac
Party Favor x Surprise
Princess Ember x Frolicsome Meadowlark (Luna's guard)
Plaid Stripes x Double Diamond
I haven't seen "Spice Up Your Life" yet, so I cannot fully appreciate this fic, but it is always satisfying to see some egotistical dunce get completely deflated. One of the most annoying things in the world is someone who believes that their standards are the standards for quality in anything from food to people. I, personally, have learned to admit that several of the things I dislike are not actually of poor quality, but are simply not compatible with my tastes. I think a lot of people could benefit from a serving of that particular brand of humble pie.
I haven't liked blueblood since series one... until now. Thank you for changing my oppinion of a character that has lasted 5 and a half seasons. X
You know, this is a really strange idea that seems to have gained a lot of traction online in the last few years, I first noticed it when people really started losing their minds over negative reviews for video games they were looking forward to, and its just something that has never made any sense to me, what even is a 'objective review'? how can you express your opinion on anything without your own personal bias? We all have different preferences and experiences that shape how we view the world.
Say I go into the Tasty Treat, and I don't like the food, or the decor, am I suddenly wrong or being unfair when in my review of the place I say that I found that the heat from the spices overpowered any flavor the food may have had or that I found the atmosphere of the restaurant terrible? Honestly at this point I am convinced that the demands for 'objective reviews' mean "I demand that critics agree with me and validate my opinion"
To be fair Bleublood was right about Zesty being a terrible critic just for the wrong reasons.
A story were Blueblood isn't a idiot. Bravo!
7304408 *looks closely* Uh, dude, that's a smoke grenade made out of duct tape and smoke bombs. you got seriously gypped.
7303560 Actually, I think it belonged to Roman mythology first, as Vulcan was (is?) the Roman counterpart to Hephaestus, the Greek god of volcanoes, metalworking, and the forge.