Acciaccatura
About two seconds.
That’s how long it would take me to fall from the top of Canterlot High School.
That’s how long it would take me to cease this unfounded guilt that’s been forced upon me ever since the Battle of the Bands. About how long until I’m finally free of forgetting what day or year it is, the epochs blurring together in my mind until it transforms into a slurry of doubt—of fear.
For the first time in my life, I was legitimately afraid.
We were supposed to be able to go home after we absorbed the Equestrian magic. That’s what Adagio promised. Instead, she painted a target on us by attacking those girls. I followed to back her up, and Sonata followed because... she’s Sonata. Sometimes I think she believes two plus two is potato.
Well, there’s no point in assigning blame now. Our amulets were overloaded and shattered. Now we had no way to go home. Now we’re stuck in this dimension. I wiped a tear from my eye as I looked down from the roof of Canterlot High School.
That’s a big drop.
I hugged myself tightly as the frigid wind pierced my core. It apparently gets cooler the higher you go up. I definitely felt the burn as I plummeted down to…
No. This isn’t normal. Normal people were happy. They had lives and friends and hobbies. We had a goal. The implements to achieve said goal were lost to us now. And now I had nothing. Less than nothing.
I had two roommates that are at each others’ throats as they hurled accusations of who was to blame at each other while I sat in the corner, burdened by this oppressive weight, this feeling that I did something fundamentally wrong and there’s no way to fix it. No way to fix me.
I crept towards the edge of the roof. It wasn’t supposed to end up this way. Right about now, Adagio, Sonata and I were supposed to be back in Equestria feeding off of boundless negative energy. Looking upon the neighborhood, I saw lights in houses shut off. I wondered if Equestria had similarly changed.
Not that it mattered, stuck here without my primary mode of interaction. Appropriately enough, I felt like a fish with its fins cut off. It’s time to put me out my misery. I lifted up a foot—
"Aria, what they hay are you doing‽”
I put my foot back on the roof and heard the hum of an engine. Looking down, Sunset Shimmer stood outside of Flash’s car. I couldn’t make out her facial expressions, but she sounded upset.
I had no idea why, though.
“What does it look like I’m doing?” I yelled back down.
Sunset ran towards the school. “Hold on for just a minute!”
I blinked the tears out of my eyes. I could do that. What’s a minute compared to a thousand years? After a few minutes—I gave her extra time because nobody actually means a minute when they say a minute—I heard the door to the roof open as well as stumbling footsteps accompanied with ragged breathing.
“Don’t… don’t… kill yourself,” Sunset forced out.
My face screwed up. “Why not? All I’ve done since I’ve come here is make everyone’s life worse. For centuries my sole purpose was to make people miserable, and the weight of that hit me at the Battle of the Bands.”
Footsteps approached me. “You don’t have to—”
“Don’t come any closer!” I turned to Sunset, her face contorted. “And why do you care what happens to me?”
Sunset held her arms out and slowly approached me like the wild animal I was. I bared my teeth at her. Somehow it wasn’t really effective in this form because she kept closing, inch by inch.
“Because I know that guilt,” she said as she took a deep breath, her chest heaving in and out like a bellows. “You don’t have to do this.”
I shook my head. “I do.” I grimaced. “And how did you know I was even here?”
Sunset looked like she was about to be sick. “Pinkie… Pinkie had a thing.”
I glared at Sunset. “A thing?”
“It’s hard to explain—the point is, you don’t have to go through with this.”
“Try and stop me.” With that, I closed my eyes and stepped off the roof. Sunset’s screams quickly tapered off as I fell for just under two seconds as the wind whistled around my body.
Just under, because I didn’t hit the ground. My body was overtaken by an acute jolt of pain as I was caught in a pair of strong arms. Confused, I looked up and saw Flash Sentry, his eyes as wide as saucers. His arms felt like they were nearly buckling from the force of catching me.
I pushed myself out of his grasp and scrambled to my feet, horrified. “What did you do?” I yelled at Flash, my breaths shallow.
Flash rubbed his arms, obviously sore, and offered a weak grin. “I just saved your life. Duh.”
“What’s wrong with you!” I swung at him. He caught my wrists easily. My range of motion compromised, I did what came to me reflexively and screamed at him. It didn’t do what it used to, but it helped to alleviate the pressure, so I kept it up. Tears flowed out of my eyes as I continued screeching. I fell to my knees, growing weak from… from something.
The shrieking ceased when my throat gave out. My eyes were blurry and my lungs raw as I looked around and spotted Sunset Shimmer standing over me, clutching her side.
“Do you feel better?” she asked, wheezing.
I sniffed as I shook my head. “Maybe. No… I don’t know. All I know is that I feel disgusting and I want it to stop.”
“Well.” Sunset clucked her tongue. “As I was saying before you jumped, I can relate to getting… cleansed.” Sunset shuddered when she uttered that last word.
“Is this something that’s going to get awkward?” Flash asked.
Sunset shook her head. “No, but I think you can let go of her wrists.”
“Um, okay.” Flash let go of my wrists. I wrung them to soothe the burn—he had grabbed them rather hard.
I squeezed my eyes shut. “How did you make it stop? All the guilt and torture over what you’ve done?”
“I’ll tell you I didn’t do it all at once,” she said. I looked over to her to see her hand offered out. “But I can show you how to get started. You can stay with me for the night.”
She sounded confident in her words. That’s a limb I was willing to grab onto. I clasped her hand; She helped me up.
We got into Flash’s car and drove off into the night. I looked out the window into the starry night. I’m not sure what just happened, but I’m in a car with two people who cared that I lived. That’s a step up from where I was a few minutes ago.
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Thanks... I... I actually needed a story with a hopeful end.
Why is there such a sudden influx of suicide fics? This is the fifth one I've seen in the last few days...
6405097
They are cries for help... and for more Patreon supporters.
Why do I get the feeling that Pinkie's gotten the "a vanquished enemy is about to commit suicide" Pinkie Sense before? Beyond the obvious symmetry, it seems like Sunset's been on the other side of this conversation, or has at very least contemplated this option.
In any case, a very powerful scene. Nice work, and kudos for having Flash Sentry do something useful.
6405097
I think a lot of people might be feeling tthis way, or know someone who I'd, right now so they write about it.
6405097
Because the edge is real.
When you hurl yourself over it.
6405236 Too soon.
I like the last paragraph as well. And good on ya for the way Flash was used here.
Aria looks great with her hair down
6405294
But we only have 2 seconds.
This was really good.
This whole living thing is highly overrated.
That was sweet. I'm really happy how this turned out.
6405096
6405700
6405377
I'm glad that you enjoyed the ending! It's always nice to see a light at the end of the tunnel.
6405654 Thank you;I always appreciate compliments!
6405129 Yeah, that's what I was going for—that Sunset had been there and could offer a hand. I'm also pleased that you and 6405515 approved of my handling of him.
Wow... That was, well, powerful, for me. Very well written, Syeeks.
I think it has a great ending, though I'll admit I'm curious about the after-the-ending events.
One of my favorite Three Days Grace songs has these lyrics:
Why is it so hard to find someone who cares about you
When it's easy enough to find someone who looks down on you
It's not hard. We just need to look. The ones who care may be closer than we think. The ones who care will be there to stop you from the brink of death, even if we don't know they care.
That's what I took away from this. Kudos, Syeekoh.
(If I'm violating site rules with the lyrics ref, since it's a comment and not a story per se, let me know and I'll edit the comment accordingly.)
6406180
This.
Thanks to that ending, I wouldn't exactly classify this as "dark".
More, please.
Also, two things.
I totally support Flaria;
and I can definitely relate to Aria. That feeling that everything you do hurts someone, and that you're useless... I don't think it can ever completely leave you, but it doesn't bother me as much now.
Well, aside from the fact that the science here makes it very hard for me to believe that Flash could catch Aria after she fell from the roof, with no injuries to him or Aria, I really liked the story. It was short, but it had a nice little hopeful message at the end, and I think it completed what it set out to very nicely. I would love to see more, I think it could be an interesting story, but at the same time, there's nothing wrong with how the fic ended here, and wouldn't blame you in the slightest if you didn't want to continue.
6406345
Well, I wouldn't say that it isn't prevalent within the story. Just because a story doesn't end dark doesn't mean that the story itself isn't dark. In the end, Aria attempted and nearly succeeded in committing suicide. I'd say, personally, that's fairly dark.
However, I'm not going to deny that the tone didn't exactly fit the tag all the way. I can give you that. I think it has a lot to do with this being a oneshot.
*glares at Majin for his inability to write multi-chapter fics lately*
It's always good to read a story without a terrible ending, and it's mainly because these things happen every day. Metaphorically, and maybe even literally, people are caught from their fall. There are, in fact, happy endings in real life. And people'd do well to remember that fact, lest they delude themselves into darkness.
So, I managed to keep my eyes from rolling long enough to finish this story finally. I didn't bother reading the other suicide bandwagon fics on the site that appear to have been written in yet another effort by the masses to get in the feature box.
This wasn't good. It isn't even a story except on a technical sense. It's a scene, and as often happens on the site, the author would rather rush out something to ride the bandwagon rather than do the work writing a real story.
Who is Aria? We saw a hint of who she might be in Rainbow Rocks. It's up to you, author, to show us who she is. The person in your story is a nobody. Rather than sound like a complete character, you have a monologue that reads like a checklist. Item after item are told to us to make sure we understand this is supposed to be the character from Rainbow Rocks.
So we're expected to believe that Aria is the quiet brooding one, when Sonata and Adagio are the two bickering and fighting. Well, that is certainly different than the relationship dynamic we saw in Rainbow Rocks. I'd be willing to believe that if you showed it to me. But like anything else resembling a character-building story, that too is missing. It does stand out as weird, given how much else is crammed in to try to milk the canon for name-brand recognition.
So why does it matter who Aria Blaze is? Because as it stands, we have no reason to care if she lives or dies. There is a common sort of human empathy element where we don't really want anyone to die, but that doesn't really extend to shallowly developed fictional characters, especially those shown to be the villains. In order for her possible suicide to actually be compelling, we'd have to get to know your vision of Aria, care about her situation, and worry about her mental health. That's a lot of work, and it was all skipped.
If this were a clopfic, it would be labeled as porn without plot. We have the bare minimal details needed to get our puppets in mind, then we get thrown into the "climax" so we get our sticky entertainment. Maybe "jump right into the climax" would be a better choice of words. Regardless, we have no buildup. No foreplay. All the issues "Aria" of your story mulls over in her monologue contain lots of things that, were they actually written out and shown to us, would serve as a great buildup to this scene. Show us Sonata and Adagio fighting over who is to blame. Have Adagio shout in anger that Aria is to blame, and Aria runs out of the apartment crying. Have Aria see people she hurt, glaring at her. Have her get hungry and tired, and notice the passing of time keenly. Show us all of these things that contribute to Aria's spiral downward.
That's all just the buildup. In a proper story, we'd have our denouement. After Aria is saved, we'd have more than just the hand helping her stand. We'd see her spending real time with Sunset. Maybe some relapses, but further help. Make us believe that things actually did get better. While you're at it, what about her former roomates? That's another plotline just waiting to happen. Do they need and eventually get help too? Do they reject help and wind up drifting away, or wind up in a tragic end?
It is ridiculously easy to see the things this "story" is missing. A fic like this doesn't tell a story about the characters within, it tells a story about the author and the meta-game of the site. The fact that not one, but three people worked on getting these 1230 words to their present form and published says a lot.
6406800
I hate to say it, but I have to agree with most all of this. This story goes way too quick--barely 1,000 words isn't really enough to dedicate to a one-shot about suicide. This doesn't feel powerful to me. It just feels like something that happened. I haven't connected with Aria at all, I haven't seen any of the buildup to this--you've just kinda shoved it all into the first two-hundred words or so. As such, I can't connect with her. It doesn't help that quite a few of Sunset and Aria's interactions are really cliched, and sound like they've been taken out of every suicide story ever. There are some flashes of brilliance here, like this line:
Take some time to actually build Aria into a character, and not just a plot device.
Also, why was Flash there? And if Aria was really so serious about this that she was ready to kill herself, how in the hell did Sunset manage to calm her down in, like, a minute? That's not really how being suicidal works.
A big problem here is that it's told through Aria's POV, but we don't get nearly enough of her internal thoughts and reactions during the most crucial moments, like when she jumps, which only serves to, again, make the suicide feel more like an authorial decision than the natural decision of a character. What emotions are present, however, are often told to us rather than shown...
Small typo:
Also, there are some really strange tense things going on in the first half of the story. You keep switching from past to present ("The implements to achieve said goal are lost to us now. And now I have nothing." and other examples) to past again, and at one point you seem to imply that she's already jumped off the roof, when she doesn't do that until 300 or so words later:
6405109
Is there a particular reason you're obsessed with mentioning patreon every time you don't like a story or a trend? It's especially odd when most of the time the writer doesn't have a patreon account.
6407054
Who said I thought the story is bad?
It's tolerable, by the way. Doesn't really go anywhere or say anything, but there's nothing offensive about it either.
This is a beautiful story, and I'm really proud to have written it.
Lots of love,
♥ Majin's alt ♥
If there was anyone in the HuMane world who knows what it is to turn from the Dark Side and find some way to atone for one's wilful evil acts, it is Sunset Shimmer.
6406800 Glad I read this before reading this story. I don't want to read a bandwagon story made just to draw in suicidal people's likes. Especially if it isn't written well.
6406345 You wouldn't classify a story about a person attempting suicide dark?
6406862
Yeah, I suppose you guys are right. I've been a brony for less than a year, and this was the first fic of the sort that I'd read. Since I had nothing to compare it to, I thought it was good.
6406800 Thank you for your criticisms. Something to me felt off about the story, and you've highlighted exactly what that is.
I would kill for more comments like these and 6406862
6406180
6406233
6406783 Yeah, fully fleshing out ideas before I publish them is something I need to work on.
6406158
6406224
6406435
6406797 I'm glad I was able to inspire hopeful feelings in you guys. That makes me feel great.
6407403
6406800
I have to disagree here. This is complete on a technical level—it's a short story. As in, the genre.
6407655 I would classify a story about someone committing suicide dark. I would classify a story about someone attempting suicide and failing, yet still being all alone, as dark. I don't classify a story about someone's suicide being prevented by someone who cares as "dark".
Okay guys, let's read the comments first, just to see-
Times up! Alright chums, let's do this! LEEROOOOOOOOOOOY JENKINS!!!!!
He's reading it. Oh god, he's reading it!
6408084 But don't you think the idea of suicide is dark? Therefore, giving the story a 'dark' tag?
6/10
Interesting choice of portraying Aria as the suicide risk. Usually Sonata is the one driven away by the other two, being the least dominate of the two (at least, that's what I think). In any case, it's a good thing Sunset Shimmer and Flash Sentry are both such quick thinkers. I have just one question out of curiosity: what were they doing together?
6408752 Well, what kind of writer would I be if I thought I was already the best at what they did?
I'd hate to display that level of arrogance anywhere on the site. It would just come off as self-serving and shallow.
I'm here to learn, same as the rest of us.
6407896 So, does that mean you'll expand it? Cause i love the potential here.
6408862 I hadn't considered it, but there is some potential in the idea, yeah.
Maybe I'll bounce some ideas around and see how it works out.
6408870 sweet! Let us know if and when you come up with something!
Hmm,
Think I prefer Ave Sonata better.
There's been a rush of suicide fics lately? I guess I wouldn't know, since I don't come around here every day and often skip the features since the majority of stories on there don't appeal to me.
Although I can't really disagree with the criticisms, I still enjoyed this story. I like nice & compact.
6408234 I don't exactly classify a story about a dark topic with a happy ending "Dark". It has dark elements, but doesn't embody the genre.
Man... I came to read about a bloody pancake on the concrete... Dammit...
I'm confused. A fall from the roof of your average high school isn't gonna kill you. Maybe break a bone or two. And if it WAS high enough to kill her, then Flash would also be dead. He certainly couldn't have caught her.
6408870 In your story, did the elements force Aria to feel guilt that she previously hadn't?
Is there a sequel?
I feel like there should be a sequel. Please write a sequel? PLEEEEEEEASE!?!? I wanna know what my-I mean Pinkie Pie's "thing" was. PLEASE TELL ME!!!!!!!!