Honestly, probably only here to read, and write, fanfiction about Sunset Shimmer and the Dazzlings. Also, canon is my clay and I shall shape it as I wish.
Equestria Girls Fics12,092 stories ·3,757 members
Sunset Shimmer6,716 stories ·4,917 members
Stories on Goodreads28,595 stories ·492 members
The Sirens1,184 stories ·1,343 members
Adagio Dazzle909 stories ·906 members
Sonata Dusk640 stories ·1,429 members
Aria Blaze381 stories ·619 members
Equestria Girls: Friendship Through the Ages347 stories ·217 members
The Battle of the Bands had been a week prior and the Sirens were not taking it well. Without the ability to feed, they can't survive very long. Deciding to just wait for their time to come, the sisters spend their last night out at a restaurant, dealing with the symptoms of their hunger. They were expecting the Grim Reaper to come for them, scythe in hand. They were not expecting someone else to show up.
Page generated in 0.058 seconds
Total duration
1,007 users online
262,102 hits today, 2,814,898 yesterday
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
I think you might need to look through this one with a bit of distance, or perhaps ask an editor to give it a once over. I don't mean to be rude; it's better-written than a good percentage of the stories on this site, but I'm not sure it's up to your usual standard.
This description bit, for example:
We already heard almost exactly the same description at the start of the chapter, covering limp hair and bags under their eyes (using identical terms each time) and faded skin. I appreciate the second time around it's Sunset taking in the information rather than the omnipresent narrator describing it, but we the readers have to sit through what is essentially the same paragraph twice in quite a short time.
Sorry, but this criticism is meant to be constructive, and hopefully comes across as such
8228625
Thanks for that! Like I said, I wrote it a while back. I'll have to change one of the descriptions to make it flow better and probably check this one out again.
8228640 If it was your first time writing and I just criticised it, then I'm really sorry
8228643
I just haven't looked at it in a while and I forgot to go over it with my usual specs on. And I really appreciate the criticism, so thanks. 
No, no! It was a four in the morning burst, not anything major, promise.
8228648 No problem; if it was a while ago and done during the early hours, then hopefully you're now removed enough from it to effectively view it for the first time as a reader, which is all the better for then editing with.
8228654
Alright! Added more detail and... feeling is the closest word to what I put in. Now, I just gotta check over the second chapter and it should be fine! Thanks again for catching that.
Off to a promising start. A bit exposition heavy, but nothing wrong there, you're just at the beginning.
8229251
Thank you. I figured I'd get the nitty gritty out of the way in this installation so the others have more room to breathe. Less expo and more interaction in the next chapter of this one and then the fun starts in the second installment.
I am intrigued at this and can't wait to see more
The use of the fanon term 'the Humane Five' is an immediate immersion killer.
'dual-haired' is a really awkward phrase. Makes it sound like Sunset has two sets of hair, as opposed to dual colored hair.
Other than that, looks good. I know you said this was something you wrote a while back,so you might want to scan over them again for little quarks like that. I'm not trying to be nitpicky, just pointing out a couple of nails that stuck out to me.
8231460
Thank you for the tips! Do you think I should just replace it with the band name instead? I'll give it another quick read when I get back to my laptop. Glad you were able to enjoy it nonetheless!
8231478
I would suggest referring to the group of characters by the band name, or occasionally as just Sunset's friends, to mix it up. We'll know who you're talking about and that will tidily differentiate them from the Sirens as a grouping of characters.
Slowly.
Very fun
8688859
No, that's correct. She's explaining it in a quieter tone than usual, a 'low' tone. But thank you! I'm glad someone's got my back with the mistakes I can't catch.
8775137
Thank you!
8775144
Ah k
This is only the second story I have read that said that without those gems, the sirens could no longer feed.
8789725
Really? There are quite a few out there. Especially this amazing gem.
Having Sunset return the Dazzling's magic feels so right.
8231460
Maybe two-toned hair color?
9288186
Yeah, 'two-toned' would be the proper phrase to say that the hair was composed of two colors.
8789725
Here is another https://www.fimfiction.net/story/366213/hell-high-water
“Sad” ?... yeah, I can see why sad. Not imp, but I understand.
That out of the way, I really liked the story. I think this is the first time I read something about the gems being needed to keep the 3 of ‘em alive. That’s actually kinda surprising when you consider the connection between magic and gems, but whatever.
Fav, like, comment. Anything I forgot?