• Member Since 16th Apr, 2017
  • offline last seen Last Friday

Snowflake Dissonance


Honestly, probably only here to read, and write, fanfiction about Sunset Shimmer and the Dazzlings. Also, canon is my clay and I shall shape it as I wish.

Sequels1

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Source

The Battle of the Bands had been a week prior and the Sirens were not taking it well. Without the ability to feed, they can't survive very long. Deciding to just wait for their time to come, the sisters spend their last night out at a restaurant, dealing with the symptoms of their hunger. They were expecting the Grim Reaper to come for them, scythe in hand. They were not expecting someone else to show up.

Chapters (2)
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Comments ( 23 )

I think you might need to look through this one with a bit of distance, or perhaps ask an editor to give it a once over. I don't mean to be rude; it's better-written than a good percentage of the stories on this site, but I'm not sure it's up to your usual standard.

This description bit, for example:

Their usually vibrant hair was limp and dull, their healthy colorful complexions faded to an unhealthy pale gray and large bags housed underneath their eyes. While this was usually a sign of some sort of sickness, nothing else seemed to be physically wrong; they just looked like sleep-deprived teens.

We already heard almost exactly the same description at the start of the chapter, covering limp hair and bags under their eyes (using identical terms each time) and faded skin. I appreciate the second time around it's Sunset taking in the information rather than the omnipresent narrator describing it, but we the readers have to sit through what is essentially the same paragraph twice in quite a short time.

Sorry, but this criticism is meant to be constructive, and hopefully comes across as such :twilightblush:

8228625
Thanks for that! Like I said, I wrote it a while back. I'll have to change one of the descriptions to make it flow better and probably check this one out again.

8228640 If it was your first time writing and I just criticised it, then I'm really sorry :fluttershysad:

8228643
No, no! It was a four in the morning burst, not anything major, promise. :twilightsheepish: I just haven't looked at it in a while and I forgot to go over it with my usual specs on. And I really appreciate the criticism, so thanks. :twilightsmile:

8228648 No problem; if it was a while ago and done during the early hours, then hopefully you're now removed enough from it to effectively view it for the first time as a reader, which is all the better for then editing with.

8228654
Alright! Added more detail and... feeling is the closest word to what I put in. Now, I just gotta check over the second chapter and it should be fine! Thanks again for catching that.

Off to a promising start. A bit exposition heavy, but nothing wrong there, you're just at the beginning.

8229251
Thank you. I figured I'd get the nitty gritty out of the way in this installation so the others have more room to breathe. Less expo and more interaction in the next chapter of this one and then the fun starts in the second installment. :pinkiesmile:

I am intrigued at this and can't wait to see more

The use of the fanon term 'the Humane Five' is an immediate immersion killer.

'dual-haired' is a really awkward phrase. Makes it sound like Sunset has two sets of hair, as opposed to dual colored hair.

Other than that, looks good. I know you said this was something you wrote a while back,so you might want to scan over them again for little quarks like that. I'm not trying to be nitpicky, just pointing out a couple of nails that stuck out to me.

8231460
Thank you for the tips! Do you think I should just replace it with the band name instead? I'll give it another quick read when I get back to my laptop. Glad you were able to enjoy it nonetheless!

8231478
I would suggest referring to the group of characters by the band name, or occasionally as just Sunset's friends, to mix it up. We'll know who you're talking about and that will tidily differentiate them from the Sirens as a grouping of characters.

explained lowly

Slowly.

8688859
No, that's correct. She's explaining it in a quieter tone than usual, a 'low' tone. But thank you! I'm glad someone's got my back with the mistakes I can't catch.

8775137
Thank you!

This is only the second story I have read that said that without those gems, the sirens could no longer feed.:fluttershysad:

Comment posted by fanreader999999 deleted Jun 11th, 2018

Having Sunset return the Dazzling's magic feels so right.

8231460
Maybe two-toned hair color?

9288186
Yeah, 'two-toned' would be the proper phrase to say that the hair was composed of two colors.

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