Clothes Make the Man, Though Perhaps a Bit Too Literally
CLANG!
...
CLANG!
...
CLANG!
"...Well, not going to lie, this is..."
CLANG!
"...Kind of disappointing."
CLANG!
Princess Twilight Sparkle ruffled her wings in slight irritation as she saw the sledgehammer rise up into the air again before arching back down onto the rail spike with a veritable—
CLANG!
—yes ...that.
Bringing up a hoof to her mouth, Twilight Sparkle released a polite cough into her hoof in a wayward attempt to catch the attention of the tireless worker before her.
"Um, excuse me, Mr...?"
"Joseph," she was supplied in a polite, if distracted, manner, "John Joseph."
CLANG!
"Right, yes. Mr. Joseph, if it's not too much trouble, may I ask what it is you're doing?"
CLUNK!
The sledgehammer that had been previously banging away against metal spikes now lay rested on top of the metal rail that had these spikes hammered into it; its iron head face down against the rail, and its long, wooden handle in the air where a pair of furless arms rested in a crisscross pattern against its tip. These furless arms belonged to the male human who, for the past couple of hours that he'd been here, had been studiously using the sledgehammer to great effect, as the newly-made railway under him can attest.
"Why, I'm here to build this railway for some local miners," replied the human in a reasonable tone as he gestured toward the railway between him and the small pony.
Said small pony briefly glanced at the railway, her attention lingering on it as she examined its expert craftsmanship, before returning her gaze to the human before her with a confused expression on her face, "Yeah, I got that," she replied warily, "but... why?"
"Is it not obvious?" asked Joseph as he promptly placed a single foot on the rail and dramatically gestured to his jean-covered leg.
Confusion evident on Twilight's face, her eyes kept switching their attention between the promptly displayed leg and the human's expectant face, before finally resting on the latter and slowly shaking her head in the negative.
Joseph groaned in disappointment at Twilight's non-understanding, "The jeans!" he shouted in answer as he slapped a hand on the blue fabric covering his leg, "Have you not seen such thick and durable fabric? Blue jeans are some of the most durable pants-wear that a common person can afford to wear. It was clearly meant to be worn for rigorous work, and what work is more rigorous than the construction of a railway for a local mine?"
For a long moment, Twilight just gave the man a long, contemptuous look before finally replying in an unbelieving tone, "And that's why you're building a railway? Because you're wearing... pants?"
"But of course," Joseph replied in a sickeningly oblivious smile, "and why shouldn't I? After all, you'd be surprised at how many great things a man can accomplish when he's wearing pants."
Twilight stayed silent as she gave the man an enduring stare, instead letting the subtle, withering sounds of the boorish wind blowing past them do all the talking for her.
'You bucking idiot!' they seemed to say.
"...Right," replied Twilight as she rubbed her hoof against the bridge of her snout, "so, after you finish the railway, what then? What do you plan on doing next?"
"I'm going to grab a skateboard and do some gnarly grinding on these rails, dude."
"W-What!?" stuttered out Twilight, completely taken off-guard by his answer, "Why!?"
Joseph pointed a finger down at his footwear, "Because of these skate shoes," he informed her as if it was the most obvious thing in the world, "they were specifically designed to go through the continual abrasiveness of a skateboard's grip tape on a regular basis, what with their super suede, the plastic underlying the toes, and the action leather that they're made up of. Heck, I'm practically obligated to grind these rails with shoes like these on my feet."
"So you're building a railway, and then you're going to ride a skateboard on it. All because you're wearing the appropriate clothing?"
"Yup," nodded Joseph, a cheerful grin still on his face, "ain't I an interesting character?"
Twilight couldn't help but release a humorous snort, "Not really," she answered without regret, "in fact, it seems to me that your personality is entirely clothes deep." Twilight then focused her attention on Joseph's chest, "So what about your shirt?"
Raising a curious eyebrow, Joseph looked down and pulled at his white, cotton shirt, "My white t-shirt?" he asked in pursuit for clarification.
"Yeah," answered Twilight with a nod of her head, her tone stained with deadpan contemptuousness as she continued to gaze upon the weird human, "I'm curious, what other activity do you have planned that you think will properly utilize that particular article of clothing in its most effective manner?"
Quiet for a few contemplating moments as he stared down at the shirt he wore, Joseph then looked back at Twilight, crossed his arms, and with absolute clarity and seriousness, he replied, "...I'm going to invade Cuba."
A gust of wind blew past the two, the vulgar language of its howling presence remaining unheard as it passed them by.
Slowly, Joseph raised a hand to his face and scratched his lightly-trimmed beard in silent thought, "Of course, now that I think back on the time when t-shirts were first issued, I suppose any Spanish-held colony will do."
Another gust of wind passed them by on its way to the swear jar.
"...Okay, you know what? I'm just going to suppress this entire conversation we just had for the sake of my sanity and I'm going to level with you," began Twilight as she gave Joseph a serious stare, "I've been tasked by the highest authority of my government to figure out the best way to pacify all of the displaced humans in Equestria and to be able to do that, I need information. I need to know where they came from, why they're here, how they got here, and how they got all these strange powers. And I have determined that you, Joseph, are the most viable source for answers."
Joseph raised a curious eyebrow at Twilight's words, "Why?" he asked, before clarifying, "I mean, why me specifically? Why not ask all those crazy cosplayer in ridiculous costumes who keep getting in trouble with the local authorities?"
The Princess of Friendship gave him a neutral stare, "Because they're all insane, dangerous lunatics," she answered matter-of-factly.
Suddenly, off in the direction of the far distant Ponyville, a horrendous explosion was heard, accompanied by the blaring noises of discharged lasers, the crumbling of collapsing buildings, and the bawling screams of innocent civilians. Overhead, a mechanized humanoid soared through the sky like a speedy missile that left a trail of cloudy exhaust fumes behind it.
"YEAH!! CAUSING WANTON DESTRUCTION AND DOING EVIL THINGS FOR NO ADEQUATELY JUSTIFIED REASON!!" it celebrated loudly as it soared off into the distance, "WOOOHOOO!!"
The joint of his pointer finger on his lips, Joseph stood in quiet concentration as he let the distant screams of the dying and wounded wash over him while Princess Twilight continued to gaze at him with that serious, urging look etched on her face.
"Hmm, I see your point," he finally replied in a casual tone, before shrugging his shoulder nonchalantly, "alright, ask away."
"So, let me get this straight," began Twilight, her tone burdened with skepticism, "you were attending this thing called Comic-Con, which is apparently a popular convention where nerds and geeks gush over about comic books and movies—"
"Okay, first off, from what I know of your show, you of all characters has the least amount of right to judge us lowly nerds, and second off, being a nerd or a geek is totally a cool thing these days."
"I wasn't judging," spoke up Twilight in an impatient manner, before taking a deep breath to calm herself as she continued, "anyways, you were at Comic-Con, standing in line for an H Hall—"
"Well, more like camping really, and it's Hall H."
"—despite the fact that you really shouldn't have gone to the convention because there have been all these reported disappearances surrounding conventions everywhere in your world—"
"I heard there was a Star Wars teaser, it would have been a greater risk not to go."
"—which is due to a man calling himself the Merchant, who approached you and offered you a deal to own a toy if you went to Equestria—"
"Warhammer 40k miniatures are not toys! They're models! And totally worth it by the way! That techpriest is gonna look sweet on my office desk!"
"—and according to you, all of the evil overlords, massive knights, dark sorcerers, weird monsters, crazy robots, and all the other eccentric humans who have recently appeared in Equestria are the same people who have disappeared from these conventions due to this Merchant, who gave them their forms and powers from the costumes that they were wearing at the time. Did I get all that right?"
"..."
"Joseph!"
"—Wuh? Oh! Sorry, it's just... wow, you know when you summarize it all up like that, this whole situation sounds like a Chess Game of the Gods ripoff, except with even less original character designs," Joseph released a few nostalgic chuckles, "ah man, do you remember those stories?"
"Not really, no."
"Yeah, most people don't..."
"..."
"..."
"...Joseph!"
"Huh? Oh, right. Yeah, besides not mentioning the obviously simple reason why the Merchant, who has incredible trans-dimensional powers, can't just transport the cosplayed characters from their own universe to this one, everything that you just said is basically correct. There's just one thing left that needs to be addressed."
"What's that?"
Joseph shifted his body slightly in his sitting position, the dirt of the ground rubbing against his skin uncomfortably as he gave Twilight a deadly serious stare, "Why haven't you given me my clothes back yet?" he asked earnestly, shivering as mirthful wind coyly rubbed up against his exposed backside.
"You said it yourself," replied Twilight in a lecturing tone as she stood up from her own sitting position, the folded clothes on her back being kept in-place by her wings, "these displaced humans got their powers and forms from the costumes that they were wearing when they were transported here. So it stands to reason that it is their clothes and garments that is the source of their powers."
"Which means..."
"Which means," proclaimed Twilight as she turned away from Joseph to stare into the glaring light of the evening's sinking sun with a look of bravery and dutiful devotion plastered on her face, "that to properly pacify these dangerous people, I have to travel across Equestria in search of these displaced humans and strip them of their clothes."
At the end of her proclamation, a gust of wind gently blew Twilight's mane in a way that sounded more like a disappointed sigh rather than the loud vulgarity that the previous gusts of wind sounded like.
"...Well, I won't lie and say that that wouldn't put them in a sort of weakened state, that's for sure."
AND THEN FUN THINGS HAPPENED,
THE END.
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.....Did...
Did you just...?
Edit: Yes you totally did you magnificent bastard.
~Skeeter The Lurker
You brilliant piece of work, you. This is the story that Fimfiction deserves.
holy crap this was hilarious!
10/10 would facedesk from laughing again
First Displaced story I've read. I don't think I need to read any others.
I would have thought he'd turn into that one X-men guy though, the crazy one who's always wearing jeans and a white T-shirt who can have anybodies powers if he just pretends to be them. I think his name was David or something.
6093525
He... he did.
God damn. Well done. You actually made me read one.
6093559
My sentiments exactly.
It really hurts how true this is. I have seen a very small amount of actually interesting stories come out of the displaced concept, but overall it's mostly just used as a lazy way to bring in people's favorite fictional character without it ACTUALLY BEING THEM. It makes absolutely no sense to my why so many of the displaced people in those stories would just magically adopt the personality and name of the character they were cosplaying as.
I know of CGotG
I'm in it.
I find this simultaneously hilarious and aggravating at the same time. While I do admit that there is a certain percentage of displaced stories that have turned out to just have the main characters causing wanton destruction without rhyme or reason... there are actually a few stories that do take the time to really create a world you can be engulfed in. When I started my story (Which is still going, mind you... just with a very slow update) I thought it was just an idea that the guy who made the solaire-story created as an offshoot. I don't actually know who specifically called it Displaced first. There certainly stories there that could use an editor or two to help with progress, but not all of them are actually terrible if you can get past the initial cliche that 80% of them seem to have where the main character is trapped in stone.
TL:DR- I did find this story to be very funny, and even this Displaced author admits that not all of the stories are as well thought-out as they could be.
6093576
Hence their personality only being: 'clothes deep.'
Scroll up to the top, up-vote.
Alright Twilight, you have your mission, go make some people naked.
Hah. And the winner of the internet is...
This was not nearly as funny as I had hoped. More of a metacommentary.
I am disappointed that he didn't suggest that Twilight start out by ambushing the guy cross-dressing as Satsuki Kiryuin of Kill La Kill.
Though the fact that it would be a guy cross-dressing as such would have disturbing implications.
6093590
I get ya, and I'm not against the concept as a whole. After all, people don't follow the leader if the leader didn't first have some quality already in him. What I am against though, is when writers delving into the genre don't properly handle the whole 'trapped in a different world, and stuck in a body that is not mine' trope.
6093614
Yes, that was my favorite bit and earned a chuckle out of me.
6093614
Gah! Just noticed that that first sentence doesn't have a question mark.
Fixed!
Ha! Thank you for this satire. The Displaced universe needs to have the piss taken out of it.
6093625 THAT'S THE NAME OF THE ANIME THAT I WANT TO TAKE A LOOK AT!!!!!!!!! Thank you so much, I remember watching a trailer for it and the only thing I couldn't remember was the damn name of the anime
6093640 Yeah, that's actually one of the things I was trying to avoid in my story, the characters who were initially thrown into the universe for my story are finding themselves slowly losing their original ways of thought to become a hybrid mentality of space marines and the people they originally were. Although I kinda do wish that this story had a few more chapters to it where your character is the one regular human among mutants and masterminds that's simply trying to be relatively normal while being cajoled by Twilight and friends because of these super-powered antagonists
Well... interesting story... and leave Twilight to be clueless about what she said... just leave it to her... you deserve both like and favorite.
10/10
100 / 100
Best Fic
BEST FIC
So, let me get this straight. Twilight is now going to grab a bunch of friends And travel equestria undressing humans to save her land And possibly send them home?
Am I the only one who thought Those Who Hunt Elves?
All of these group works are bad, to be honest. I've seen people write semi-decent shit because of them, but that's as far as I'd go. Collab writing projects just don't work well when you aren't planning ahead, and none of these people seem particularly fond of that.
Watch out displaced. Twilight is coming for you, she's climbing in your windows, snatchen up your clothes...
Cadence is gonna get jealous. As the princess of live, it's her job to make people naked.
A great many lulz were had.
Spot on satire.
6094313
Though to be fair to the Displaced universe, the majority of stories from the Chess Game of the Gods universe were equally as terrible and were just as likely to be abandoned half-way.
Damn right. 'Collaborative' Writing of this kind is an excuse for laziness and 'lol so awesum and randum!'
I've often wanted to read a Displaced story about a guy who goes LOOKING for that damned merchant. Think about it, what if you dress as your OC from an RPG game? What if you dress up as 5 of your OC's from 5 different RPG's at the same time!? Stacked OP OC's!!
Cape and cloak from an Ultima Online character (Grand Master at melee / healing / anatomy / attack magic / magic resistance / able to res self at a shrine / resurrect others using just a BANDAGE etc.)
Under the cloak I'd wear what Steve wears in Minecraft (for all those matter manipulation / construction abilities etc.)
Buster Sword from FF7
Top hat and smoking jacket from Arcanum: Of Steamworks and Magick Obscura
Pipboy on your arm from Fallout
It'll be the human equivalent of a red and black Alicorn OC hah.
THANK YOU for making this
ps: I can definitely feel your "religious fervor", as you put it.
I read Displaced stories because of Chess Game of the Gods. CGotG had a bit more originality to it, though.
As someone who actually wrote in the CtotG group, you've hit everything squarely on the head. I'm still planning on going back and finishing what I started, and ignoring everyone else, though.
Alright, this was plain awesome
You know what this inspires?
A 'those who hunt elves' crossover parody!
You're doin' the work of a righteous man, my friend. Keep at it.
A clever deconstruction of how a horde of talentless hacks ran a decent story concept into the ground.
6093576
As a Displaced author, I can confirm that is exactly my writing process.
6096644
I actually agree with that. The whole idea of the original 'Humans Acting Villainous' was to subvert the usual cliche of 'human goes to Equestria and is loved by everybody.' There were stories that defied convention even before this was a thing. Now, it's become a lazy vehicle plot device.
Enjoyable read and a very welcome satire after the constant barrage of displaced. The author's note is already stepping into preaching, however. The story itself already does an excellent job in pointing out the weaknesses of displaced fics. We don't really need the author to step out afterwards to do a little after-story sermon.
You forgot to mention the cross story nonsense that take the few 'might be goods' and throws them into a black hole made of shit by dragging in characters out of nowhere in obvious deus ex, To accomplish 10 chapters worth of build up (finding safe houses, artifacts ect) and crams it into 1000 words of total nonsense by just GIVING them what they need with no effort. I've even seen a few where the story gets derailed to have a, my character is stronger than yours, wank fest that ends up serving no propose what so ever.
6097510 I didn't read the entirety of your displaced story, but I can say that it had alot more quality to it that the average displaced story. I can tell you actually put some effort into it.
6098075
I've always felt that when you do something, you might as well try to do it right. I really should update my stories, but I'm lazy.
I get it's supposed to be funny, and I suppose it's written in a funny way, but this story just makes me sad.
...
This is perfect. This is, quite literally, the perfect displaced story. It points out all the major flaws that make those stories so mind-crushingly bad; the bland unlikable main character, the fact that the main character's personality consists entirely of "Look at what I can do! Look at the memes and references I know!", the fact that the characters are just pretending to be the people they are imitating, the fact that they could be much more interesting with the actual characters instead of badly written self inserts pretending to be them, this story just gets it all right. The only flaws of this story are that the main character is actually funny and interesting, along with the fact that there are good descriptions and writing quality. Obviously a real displaced fic would be written to account for the readers apparently having no skill at reading the context of a situation.
You know, I think what makes me laugh the most is the fact that so far, the greatest and most well written displaced fic I have read is one that basically mocks the entire thing. Actually, it kind of makes me sad.
6093576
Your name.....
I want this crossover now.
Write it my friend! Or don't.
........
........... !mooB
I could always just draw a sketch and post it somewhere, right? .....!ngab ,gnaB
Right? ............ !mooB
..........
........................
......Right?
6100247
There's a snake in my boot(y)!
And a gun in my heart!
[Have I won an award yet, or do I need to be more clever?]
But in all seriousness, I have just one question after reading this story. What about characters with no shame, or those that grow more powerful/dangerous/unstable when their clothes are removed? Let's see... Ryuko.... That virus girl from Legion of Super Heroes.... Kenpachi.... The monks in Bravely Default... Alucard.... Any character whose clothing seals or limits their power.... Ichigo... Actually, no, not him... Wait... Crap. Well, I guess your premise holds strong for the most part. I could only come up with a few examples. I concede victory to you.
6100247 Thanks! I really wish I could, although I'm not very good a writing.
This was quality satire. It is nice to see someone doing some original parodying, instead of just a millionth spoof of the standard HiE or black and red alicorn.
6096454
That sounds amazing. Link please?
6101146
Hence the or don't part. But seriously, I'm an artist. I'm also a fantasy writer. If you like, I could write a quick one-shot and draw a character sketch for the cover art. You can post it on your account (but credit me, of course). I'd do it for free, so long as I get some exposure on the site. Actually, why don't I make it a Displaced parody as well? What do you think?
PS- if you agree, I do have some other projects I'm currently working on, so it might take some time...
6100247
I just realized how ridiculous this comment looks on mobile. FAK.