• Member Since 6th Mar, 2014
  • offline last seen 23 minutes ago

Flutterpriest


I write hoers (Ko-Fi/Patreon)

T

Sunset returns to Equestria to escape the living conditions of the human world. Once she gets to Ponyville to rebuild her life, she runs into a human that makes her feel complete. Except... he doesn't like ponies.

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 52 )

That's very good.

Nice story! I wonder though why not do it the other way? As turn Anon into a pony instead of Sunset into a Human. Given the location that they are in it would make more sense.

Ponies falling in love with humans is much more interesting to me than vice versa. I guess I, like others, have the fantasy of being desired first.

Usually not a fan of sunsen but this was actually very good. Couldn't stop reading once i started. Im glad you didnt go dark with this, although you sorta did with the whole janitor stuff but it could have been darker i guess xD

Sunset instantly died as her face flushed red.

0_o

You mean "Sunset's voice" right? Because if it not...
i1.cpcache.com/product_zoom/834588966/shit_just_got_real_jrspaghetti_strap.jpg?height=250&width=250&padToSquare=true

A lot of parts suddenly turn into 2nd person perspective.

With a blink, she finally noticed it when one a little filly leaped out of her path to avoid her.
Sunset's hooves guided her to the Ponyville library, but the town's streets decided to fight back wit ha vengeance.
Please. Not another word," shed interrupted Twilight's train of thought.
"But, if it's love, there really isn't anything you can do about it. Some things you just can't force," Twilight said with a tone of sympathy. "I'm sorry Sunset... I'm sure there will be somepony else in this would for you."
"Really? What about?" she asked. He's been thinking about you? Really? Butterflies filled herr chest,
"Is this supposed to make me feel better about you turning be down?

Some mistakes that are more blatant to see, didn't count the other little things.

6042320 Whoa.... This got dark quick hahahahaha

6042320
Fixed! Thanks for pointing those out. :yay:

I notice near the end, everything was in italics, did you mean for that, or, was it an accident?

6042519
No! It was not. Thanks for pointing that out. I thought I fixed that, but apparently I didn't. I appreciate it. :twilightsmile:

This was quite the new experience for me since I've never read of this type of plot, but I did enjoy it. I was not expecting what you were going to use for the dark tone.

Some critique- there were instances were the narrative switched to first-person and/or present tense. The pacing in the finale felt slightly rushed. And I'm calling shenanigans on the clothes at the end, but that's more of a personal gripe if nothing else.

Turning her back into a human just ruined this whole story for me, and basically cheepend the while thing about him willing to try being with a pony.

I wonder if Fluttershy is kicking herself for not asking Twilight to turn her human first?

10/10 <3

Any chance of an alternate story or ending in which she does kidnap the guy?

6042879
except with less edge.

>"You don't have to say anything," he said. Sunset smiled and her eyes reopened, looking up to the human, who stared off gently at the setting sun. She turned and stared off too, not wanting to say a single word that could ruin the moment.

>Slowly, Sunset opened her eyes at the hard wood floor of her new home.
Missing /hr between

>This time, she could do something about it. Sunset quickly did her hair and washed her face. Without even a second thought, she took off at a gallop towards the path where the human returned to his home last night. It headed towards a rural part of Ponyville where there there was only one or two homes on the path. She could figure it out. She was smart and there was no time to waste.
there there

"I think Fluttershy's attraction is more... physical," Twilight explained. Sunset leaned back in her chair and instantly gulped down more of your drink. "Fluttershy likes animals... and Anon's a human. I'm not one to judge... but humans looking like monkeys and all... "
The >Green is talking through you

>"Please. Not another word," shed interrupted Twilight's train of thought. Sunset felt sick to her stomach. A timid pegasus like that? She would never have expected... A pony doing those type of things to other animals. But then again, he isn't really a pony either and Sunset wanted to be with him. The circumstances were different though. Sunset loudly groaned and shook your head. This was too confusing.
As I pointed down, the mood has changed, also more >GREEN is talking through you
It's maybe nothing, but please...

>The minute she showed weakness in her resolve, this wouldn't work. As soon as Sunset showed show her true colors, the feelings wouldn't take effect in Anon's mind. The most important thing, was time. The first step, was to to get into Anon's house.
Extra space

>Hey? Really? That's it? She just ruined everything. Great job. Mission failure, let's pack up and try again next w-
>"Oh, hey," He said, turning his head to her in surprise. "A part of me thought after this morning..."
I'm sorry but you can do it better. The pace just speed up - without reason. If you would add some descriptions of his anxiety, unsure, you know what - that would be a lot of smoother. Now it seems that you got a bit hurry to the main point... And Your text is the best when it's not hurried. But don't liste to me. I'm just a random shitposter.

>"Yeah," He answered distantly. "You definitely got me thinking though." What? Why would he say that? Don't show too much interest Sunset. Don't look desperate.
>"About what?" she asked as if her life depended on it. The man sighed and looked into his strong, masculine hands.
Kek'd so hard, I'm dying now.

>"Really? What about?" she asked. He's been thinking about you? Really? Butterflies filled herr chest, but she tried to net them away. Stick to the plan.
Tell me Herr Chest, what you want to drink?

>"I know what you mean,” she said. “It would be risky for anyone." Anon looked at you carefully after you finished your sentence. "Oh. Crap. Anypony. Sorry.”
I think you missed a letter, but I'm not sure.

>"I was alone." Silence fills the gap between you two. "I was alone in a world where no one understood me. A pony in a world of humans, trying desperately to fit in. It made me angry. It made me vengeful. Why wouldn't they like me? I never really felt like I truly belonged," she said. Anon listens intently. "So I got aggressive and made a lot of mistakes. I just couldn't live with the consequences anymore."
Double space

>"Hey, uhm. This is going to sound... really bad, but have you had anything to eat?" he asked. She looked over to him. Did he just say that? "You don't really have a job yet, do you? I was just going to make a dinner when I get home. Would you like to join me?"

>Sunset stepped inside his house and looked around, drinking in the scenery. His home was remarkably clean, for a man. Er, stallion. No, he's a man. This is getting ridiculous.
I love it.

>"Yeah... I think I understand," she said. “I did the same thing when I was in the other world. It was just a way of reminding me of home.” Anon leaned in the doorway to his kitchen, watching her face carefully. He smirked and shook his head.
>“You have no idea what it's like to have someone that understands,” he said with a smile. “Anyway, I'll get things started. Make yourself at home." He stepped into the kitchen and Sunset looked around carefully for any sign of interruptions. Now it was time for step two. Knock him out.
It was even cutier than Celestia's speech - which gave tears to my eyes.

>“Wait. What?” she asked, her chest tightening and her eyes grow wide. The human sighed to himself and puts down the knife, leaning his head over the cutting board. The plan was now the last thing on Sunset's mind
Space me babe one more time.

>"You've made me the happiest girl... ever." Er. Pony. Screw it. It doesn't matter anymore. He knows what you mean. She leaned upwards towards his face and he raised her towards him effortlessly. His lips connected with hers and Sunset felt a warmth spread through her entire being. She felt comfortable. She felt like the world was a safe place to be in. Everything seemed to just feel right again.
Finally. Now make some PANcakes.

>“Cuddling,” Sunset said.
Kek'd

>"Here we go," she said. Twilight's horn illuminated with bright, purple magic and gently lifted the two lovers up into the air. Sunset's body began to feel warm and tingly, as she closed your eyes. The world felt as if it were spinning around her in a blinding speed. Her body felt as if she were being pulled apart at the edges. Small appendages prouted from her hooves and her back stretch backward. She felt a gentle massage pushing her physical form into a shape that she felt more comfortable with. Something that felt natural.
Bro, pls.

>Sunset followed him out, when the frame of the door gives her a vigorous high-five to the forehead, sending her tumbling back to the floor.
Free for spaces!

>"That takes a while to get used to," he said with a smile
No dot.
In general:
>Everypony/Everyone
>Sunset laid with the jainitor for food and shelter
>Celestia is very nice
>Human is friednly but he doesn't like sex with poni poni
>Sunset starts to be her old self, bitchself - the mood has changed here
>Awkward Sunses is awkward and not obvious at all
>Fluttershy likes Anon the Human, cliche
>It's meaningless to the story, but part of talking about between Sunset and Twilight about her
work and living' future would be interesting also
>Stockholm Syndrome, old good Sunset, I love you Flutterpriest
>She wants to knock him out, but thanksfully, he said he is ok with her, thank you, it could be too edgy for me
>Love, transformation, happy end.
I love it.

6043301
Wow! THANK YOU! I fixed all of the issues you found. You're an invaluable help my friend. I'm happy you enjoyed it. :twilightblush:

Pretty good. Super glad the normal transformation scenario was reversed. I hate that shit.

Was really good. Nice work XD

6043412
Would have been better if there was no transformations at all.

“Nice to meet you too,” she replied, a blush forming on her cheeks as her hand tingled from his touch.

"hoof"

She tried to watch the celestial body slowly make it's way back down to

"its"

"You don't have to say anything," he said. Sunset smiled and her eyes reopened, looking up to the human, who stared off gently at the setting sun. She turned and stared off too, not wanting to say a single word that could ruin the moment.
Slowly, Sunset opened her eyes at the hard wood floor of her new home.
"Damn it."
Her entire body ached from being curled in a corner without a bed for her first night in Equestria. She rubbed her eyes with a hoof and managed to not gouge out her eyes this time. After the sun was gone from the horizon, the two of you made your goodbyes and went home. Something about this human was special, and she knew it. When she was with him, everything seemed right again. Sunset spent time in two different worlds trying to find a place that she could call home and was unsuccessful both times.
This time, she could do something about it. Sunset quickly did her hair and washed her face. Without even a second thought, she took off at a gallop towards the path where the human returned to his home last night. It headed towards a rural part of Ponyville where there was only one or two homes on the path. She could figure it out. She was smart and there was no time to waste.

What the hell happened here? I think something wasn't deleted. The scene changes a couple times here and it is really jarring.

Sunset knew walk back to home was going to feel long and arduous.

"the" You need an editor.

Didn't you bump into her along the way?

"You"? Who is the "you" here? There has never been a you before this, is the reader Sunset Shimmer suddenly?

His face was buried into her mind.

This sentence doesn't make sense and needs rewording.

As sunset walked into Ponyville, the ponies moved past her and kept out of her path.

"Sunset"

but the town's streets decided to fight back wit ha vengeance.

"with a"

But then again, Sunset wanted to be with him and he was still an animal.

Funny thing, Sunset is an animal to the human. Humans and ponies are both animals.

Plus, if you asked Twilight, she might be worried of what you might be planning. She might be worried that you might be going back to your old habits.

And the reader is Sunset again, because reasons. But then we get to go back to third person.

There would need to be a solution that made him yours, while could keep him enough in the limelight to have others not worry about him.

Aaaaaaand second person again.

It's would be risky though.

"It"

The two of you sit and watch the sun as it falls gently across the horizon.
"Why did you leave anyway?" steve asks out of the blue. You bite your tongue and watch the sky turn an orange-red. "I mean, you don't have to tell me... but I'm just-"
"I was alone." Silence fills the gap between you two. "I was alone in a world where no one understood me. A pony in a world of humans, trying desperately to fit in. It made me angry. It made me vengeful. Why wouldn't they like me? I never really felt like I truly belonged," she said. steve listens intently. "So I got aggressive and made a lot of mistakes. I just couldn't live with the consequences anymore."

Second person again but ends third person.

Nice ending, sorta silly at times, but I feel the relationship progressed a little too fast and there was very little drama. This story feels to have very little conflict and be a slice-of-life story. The large amount of grammar errors, forgotten words, tense changes, and changes in narrator need to be worked on and buffed out to make the story better. I picked out some stuff that really tripped me up but didn't get everything, so it would be good to have another set of eyes look over this to rubout others things I have missed in my haste.

6043541 Agreed, but at least it wasn't the usual trash.

6044177
Still cheapens the romance just as much thought. At least to me anyway.

We really need more Pony!SunsetXHuman fics. There's not enough of those.

Definitely fun and interesting, but it all felt a little rushed. I also think the romance was cheapened with the transformation as people have already said, and I feel the dark parts regarding the human world were just a little out of place here with everything else being a lot more lighthearted, with even the clobbering section being comical. Your story though, and like i said overall I liked it and I'm glad we have someone interested in Sunset x Human stories.

Awww... it's cute 'cause they're awesome!

This was adorable:twilightsmile:

There were bits where it went first-person and there were a few minor errors, but it was really cute. Can't help but wonder how Fluttershy's feeling about all this...

6042879

A Yandere Sunset Shimmer... I really want to see that. It'd have to be like Yanderpy to work.

Two souls have found eachother's silver lining.:heart:

Nice story. I enjoyed reading this. I think we don't see enough Sunset Shimmer fanfics, and this was really good. :pinkiehappy:

Interesting story, could use a little more work though as many of the other reviews said, there were parts where you flip flopped between second ad third person and that was a little distracting

Aww! Great good job, my only complaint is that it switches point of view too often without warning, try to refrain from doing that in the future. Enough, complaining, I liked your style, it could use more eloquence in your diction but that is not a complaint but rather a suggestion. Keep up the good work and if you need an editor, I'd be happy to help! /)

That was nice. The human was cool, a little shallow but that I can buy. I wasn't a fan of the sunset in this, the AU changes just not my cup of tea I guess. All in all not a bad little story.

That plan to whack the human in the head with a pan was distressing i have to say. :twilightoops:

As much as i want sunset to be with the object of her desire, i hate to see her regress into her bad-self once again. Her willingness to go to such ugly lengths of selfishness just shows how she still has that 'she-demon' inside her... ughh she never learns :pinkiesick:

6586303 I concur with that. Sunset has come a LONG way since the events of the first Equestria Girls movie to redeem herself. And in my opinion, since the events of Rainbow Rocks, she has more than redeemed herself! To go back to how she used to be would only undo all the hard work she's done to earn the forgiveness of all the students and staff at CHS! And let's pray to Celestia that that doesn't happen!

I would love to see a sequel

Could we get a sequel series please? This was a really nice story. Would love to see alot more.

The thought process of these ponies is disturbing.
I'll buy him gifts to lock him in a basement it's the only way!
To her credit it might have worked. I hear it worked for the movie reviewer Planket.

This was a fun read shame she didn't stay pony

I enjoyed reading this. I kept thinking of a twist ending like Fluttershy someone becoming human as well or Anon actually ends up doing what Sunset was going to do to him.

Very nice work. Didn't see that ending coming and that reference was perfect.

9501774
thanks for pointing that out. fixed

Wow this story was so unique; never read anything like it. However, it was TOO CUTE! I mean... you can't not love this.

"I-I don't understand. We see darkness yet all you fools focus on is light? Evil is like a cancer, unwarranted corruption, a spontaneous timebomb, an oxymoron in itself yet none truer"

Sunset reached the maintenance door of the school and looked upon it with dread. This was the only option she found. The janitor wasn't really a bad guy, just lonely. She had learned not to cry anymore. All she had to do was say she loved him after he was done.

"Is no one addressing this? Is no one thinking about this? Is no one wondering about the repercussions of this? Psychologically? Physically? No?"

Oh neat, a Sunset Shimmer romance! Sounds inter- (sees Dark tag)
Uuuuuhhh...

He always liked it when she smiled.

Aaaaand just like that the reason for the Dark tag is perfectly clear.

Well look at that, I was wrong...


Okay, this was... different.

I think Sunset is going to be difficult, long-term. ;] I mean, she has quite the number of behaviours she'll need to unlearn... ;)

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