- Member Since 22nd Aug, 2014
- offline last seen Apr 28th, 2019
Summer Dancer
On Wednesdays, we wear PINK!
Summer Dancer
Joined 22nd Aug, 2014 ·
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Twisper fudge it doesn't work
You can dance if want to.
I like it! Good story.
I loved Rainbow's drunk comments absolutely priceless. Now i only wish there were another chapter where they found out, after Twilight got kicked out of the dance club, that Twilight's dance had become a sensation. Leading to hectic problems such as injury and everyone starts blaming Twilight when it was their own fault for starting to use the dance.
5884945
You can leave your friends behind.
No, seriously. This joke has destroyed all of your street cred.
In fact, you've lost the game.
This was GOLD!
5885681
Platinum even!
Also the interdimensional dancing horror was my favorite part until we got to the one diplomat/noble who loved poking "the pink one"
This story was amazing and hilarious! Love Jasper too. For a 5 seconds of fame character, he was pretty nice.
5/5, would read a sequel about Twilight now owning the dance scene and then returning to the club for funky fresh revenge.
At the Prancing Pony after hours. . .
img12.deviantart.net/4f95/i/2015/095/8/4/raritys_egg_colored_by_hillbe-d8oj3qg.jpg
Iron Will: "You show me a fake, your bones will break!!!"
: "Iron, what have I told you about disproportionate reactions?"
"Aren't they supposed to rhyme?"
IW: "Right, sorry. How about.....if you're underage, I'll....kick you out of my club!"
IW: "Hey cut me a break, these things usually take me 2-3 weeks to come up with."
Because it was a table, and it was round. Many celebratory festivities were had over them coming up with such a clever name.
5885681 Thanks, Kids!
5887652
No problem!
Needa twerk
Ship, ship, ship, ship, ship, ship...
Loved the story, it was quite well-written - and funny, besides. The only grammatical mistake I found is that 'chao' is supposed to be spelled 'ciao'. Other than that, flawless
“You could buy a zoo with all the doctor bills he paid.”
...did you just...?
5888778 *Laughs evilly*
When everyone read the description we were all like: https://youtu.be/bW7Op86ox9g
Well done. So many references my head is spinning, but well done.
[youtube=dMH0bHeiRNg]
Hmm. This is a little rough in places. You really need to give this a thorough editing pass.
One very important note about dialogue: Never, ever have two characters speaking in the same paragraph. New speaker, new paragraph. That's the rule. This, for example:
Should be two paragraphs.
Speaking of the above, two things:
1. Avoid Lavender Unicorn Syndrome.
2. Fluttershy isn't a veterinarian.
Some other stuff:
- "cider" is not capitalized. It isn't a proper noun. Neither is "diplomats". Neither are "ponies", "griffons", or "zebras" unless you use capitalization consistently.
(While we're on the subject...cider isn't remotely strong enough to get Rainbow Dash THAT drunk, and you honestly didn't really depict the effects of Rainbow getting drunk very believably.)
- It's "y'all", not "ya'll".
PHRASING, Fluttershy!
respectfully
Fun little story. Just needs some spit and polish.
Warning! Princess Twilight Sparkle is approaching! Evacuate the dance floor now! Repeat, evacuate the dance floor now!
Am I the only one who was annoyed by Rarity's unnecessarily bad attitude toward Iron Will and the mane five's refusal to understand that Twilight was detrimental to Disco's business?
Twilight would probably be really good at ballroom dancing, because it's rigid and structured enough to analyze. She only epic fails when she tries to follow her instincts and shake her booty
5890349
Yes. That is literally all in your head and not the point, focus, or even an issue in this story.
she?
Oh Twily... never change.
Cute story, I laughed a few times.
One thing to note though, you should always start a new paragraph when a different character is speaking. I noticed a couple spots you didn't.
New speaker, new line.
________________
y'all
[Ya'll = you will. Y'all = You all.]
_____________
Move down a line.
_____________
Cap.
[It's a title, as well as used in place of a name. So it get's capped like a title normally would].
______________
Cap.
_____________
This was an altogether decent fic.
I see what you did there.
Oh crap she's having a seizure!
Bwahaha, that was silly and hilarious and just a tiny bit cute, all at once!
5890349 I agree. I found both those things annoying as well.
5889697 HAHAHHAHAHA
Now I kinda want to see more of Jasper Stone! That really was an adorable story <3
I didn't really like this story.
It really appears like the traditional three-act classic, hero loses to villain, hero trains to be able to win, hero wins against the villain. Except...
It starts with an interesting set-up of the conflict. The club, the dance scene, the manager, who appeared quite villainous (he could have requested Twilight to hold back on dancing until she gets a few lessons on dance, instead of issuing a
lifetimeeternal global ban).Then we're getting to Act II: the training montage culminating in a test before the grand climax, that final battle - Twilight testing her skills on the great ball, grabbing a foothold of her own personal style, the secret weapon...
The end. The third act never comes.
It really seems the author found an interesting premise but couldn't think up a good resolution, cutting the story short, right before the climax would begin.
5890322
fc07.deviantart.net/fs71/f/2011/341/3/9/party_hard_twilight_sparkle_wallpaper_by_bluedragonhans-d4ignrk.png
Shake it! Uh!
5890855 Ooh, thanks for the tip. I do my own editing, so I tend to miss a few things
5891606
Biggest mistake you usually find in stories. Is either multiple speakers on the same line. People forgetting to space lines (or in the writing style where there is no to little spacing. Forgetting to indent new paragraphs (making it look wall of texty)). Or forgetting " tags in appropriate places (even the Harry Potter series made that mistake in two books in the series.).
But as long as you look out for those big ones, you should be fine other than small stuff (misspelled words, bad puns, tiny little grammar errors, and the like). Best of luck to you, and this story over all was pretty cute.
This was a funny and entertaining read. Thanks!
Of course Spike would see Twilight dance.
Flash: Uh, not to burst your bubble, Captain, but...has a Princess been banned from a dance club before?
Shining: No...why?
Flash: Well...a couple friends of mine had witnessed your sister dance...
Shining: (eyes widened as his neck turned towards him) Twilight danced?
Flash: ...Eh...one of the eyewitnesses said it was a full-body dry heave set to music.
5891723 but... but... there are no bad puns, there always punny.
5891723 Exactly. That's always my problem!
And thank you! 
5892008
Oh there are bad puns. What makes a good pun punny is that it's a play on words. And either is fluid, or witty. The names the people who made the show slaved hard to make those names as amazing as possible (other than Ponyville which has been a staple in MLP since forever.)
But bad ones, either make up words, lack fluidity that makes the play on words (pun) feel natural, or are random strings of words forced to fit something that didn't need punified that takes away from the natural feel of a pun, or worse a word that doesn't pun well get's punned unnescessarily taking from the wit / cleverness of that thing it's punifiying.
Like Hay-Per-View, where there is no hay anywere near the thing. But it's litteral pay-per-view (using bits to "pay"-per-view). Or Zambambialand for the Zebra homeland. Where that is not a word in any language. (Although Zecora is horribly funny. Being that Zecora means Zebra in Swahili (the language Zebra's are supposed to speak).
Now, Mchawinchia [Mchawi = Witch; Nchi = land] is an off colored, but semi-humorous pun. Playing on their use of Voodoo Masks, and general witchy feel that most sterotype them with inverse. Even Zecorica (Play on Africa, with Zecora for Zebra). Those are punny and clever.
Then there was Sphaynish. There is no such thing as a Sphay, and it falls flat for Spanish. Although Andalusian is perfect since Andalusans are pure bred Spanish Horses, thus a built in pun for a pony spain. Even Mexicolt, while not the crowning achievement in puns is a pretty good ponification of Mexico.
But Neighnagra Falls, Not a funny pun. Marendo (for Nintendo), horrible. Marepolis, for Polaris (the star), could be better.
But see not all puns are funny, nor good. I personally love puns. While people might not think of them as particularly high brow / cheap. They can be very amusing, and hillariously witty forms of word humor. Which is why I tear into people who use bad puns for ponifying places / things. Or think that any pun will fit (even things that shouldn't be punified / ponified.) when a normal word would fit in more naturally in the conversation / story / comedic timing.
5892088
I'm just going to leave this quote here for people to meticulously study and existentially ponder upon.
5892123 Not sure whether to facehoof at taking that joke seriously or to applaud the beauty of your dissertation on puns and add it to my brain-boom doc. I think I'll settle on writing is Serious business and I should be more serious when making random replies. I am gonna add this to my doc under the dissertation section, it is a pretty good dissertation on puns.
5892123 Too lazy to edit, how does polmaris for the star sound? That's probably a butchered attempt at spelling it that should be taken out and shot, but meh.
5892123 John Sterwart was very good at pun delivery. Sadly the Daily Show is no longer with us.
Blueblood you coldblooded freak.
Am I one of the only ones who doesn't see anything wrong with Twilight's dancing? Seriously, dancing is just dancing, no wrong way to dance.
Unless you're going on "Dancing with the Stars" or "So you Think you can Dance?" that is.
Someone make that. Now. Please.
Must... resist... jokes...