Nothing real can be threatened. Nothing unreal exists.
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When she was birthed with horn and wings she was thought to be a pegacorn, a rare and blessed blending of the tribes, whose long life and power brought wealth and stature.
Then the guards came, seeking the first alicorn born in over a thousand years.
An entry for The Most Dangerous Game contest
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The context suggests that "subtle" should be "subtly"
"Side side" should probably be just "side".
She looked over Morning Glory's what? Sheets? Magic? Neither of those makes sense in context.
"Not" appears to be starting a sentence, so it should be capitalized.
4608870
31.media.tumblr.com/de3074aa7e8f20021a45bfdbc1b2d9e3/tumblr_inline_n2g4asXCQ61qewv88.gif
I had two people look at it and went over it like a dozen times. How do these errors keep slipping through?
*hangs his head in shame*
I'm sorry to say this but... you are not allowed to end it there, you must continue it.
In other words: SEQUEL SEQUEL SEQUEL!!!!!!
I do not know why I read these stories for "The Most Dangerous Game contest" but many are actually of good quality. Yours too.
4608883
There's no shame in having a few typos/errors. Everyone makes them, and I'm just OCD enough to catch them
Either way, I loved the craftsmanship of this piece. The worldbuilding flows from the narrative very naturally and leaves the reader with a good sense of the flavor of the world, while showing enough restraint to avoid being an infodump. The characters have a good sense of depth to them, and the descriptions do an excellent job of conveying the theme of isolation. Thanks for writing!
Also: I've now edited my initial comment to reflect its completed state.
Wow, just barely underneath that 15k word maximum.
Anyway, this promises to be interesting. On the read later list it goes!
I'll actually read this one, I promise.This looks interesting. I will have to read this sometime soon.
Very nice. An alicorn worthy of the purple.
I really liked this. You did the OC Alicorn very well. Also all the subtle changes that had occurred. Canterlot being wrecked by a fight, maybe with that dragon that was mentioned along with Tirek. The hints to what happened; Zecora becoming... I think the mad goddess of the Everfree, and Twilight 'ending him'. Who, I wonder? Discord? We certainly haven't seen much of him.
It also makes me wonder what happened to the other 3 alicorns, though I imagine that was your purpose in not explaining them. The 'decision between two evils' maybe. Twilight's scars, and Morning's horror at having her alicorn magic put to sleep. I loved this. Have a like and a favorite.
I feel horrible for those parents, to have your child ripped away without knowing anything.
She knows she might be able to come back eventually, they don't. If Things had turned out worse Twilight may have been training someone whose only desire was to put her in the ground for her crime.
.....
>Ecocat<
This was an interesting read. A bit darker and sadder than what I usually read, but not bad at all.
And as far as OC alicorns go, Morning Glory wasn't bad either. Far better than some I've seen...
Holy shit. This is the second 'most dangerous game' story I've read and wow are they amazing. In this one relatively (as compared to full stories) short chapter you've made me actually tear up over the emotions shown in characters introduced not minutes before. You've done an excellent job, and I think I even spotted a Lord of the Rings reference with your Ring of Destiny book, eh?
4609526
What, like the black and red six-winged bat alicorn?
4609677 Pretty much, yeah. Though most bad Alicorn OCs aren't that awful.
...But when they are, your eyes bleed.
Holy hell this is one powerful story!
4609588
Maybe you should watch Daring Don't again, and pay attention to the name of the book A K Yearling writes based on the episode...
Accepting the premise without question, this was well written and Morning Glory was a quality OC. I am also under the impression that the contest this was entered into had a 15k word limit, so I find myself forgiving the dangling plot threads (zebra?, alicorn deaths?, Celestia suicide? Canterlot not rebuilt?, abduction/Stockholm syndrome?, Discord? Lady? is Morning Glory Luna reincarnated?). Enjoyable to read overall, even if 1.5k years didn't generate future tech for some reason. I was not personally satisfied with the ending, but it was well done, if a bit tired.
Now, time for critical analysis.
I understand the word limit, but the premise of abduction seemed forced in light of Twilight's apparent mental stability. That seems like the kind of thing she would stop to think about if she were in her right mind, which she clearly is, even if she's desperate for company. Maybe, ask first, then abduct if things don't work out. Especially since Twilight said her training wouldn't take long (but Twilight was not fully trained at 400 years?) and she could go home afterward. Why not go with, 'Come spend the summer with the god empress of the equines for free?' That seems like a pretty solid hook.
Next, Morning Glory. That name. I suspect Twilight would be familiar with the language of flowers and, given that pony names tend to be reflective of their personalities/special talents, I'm not sure how readily she would try to find companionship in someone with that name. But then again, I suppose this could be the answer to why Twilight simply abducted her. No disappearing that way. Either way, I'm not sure what I'm supposed to make of the symbolism of the name.
Again, there were lots of dangling plot threads that could be sewn into a coherent longer story. Not terribly important given the word limit.
Alright, now as a transhumanist, here's my biggest gripe. This is clearly not a dystopian future ruled by the evil tyrant Queen Twilight Sparkle. It stands to reason that Twilight's had 1.5k years (a long time) to experiment with magic instead of, say, oppressing the masses. Given that the average (observed) alicorn lifespan seems to be sitting at about 3k years at most, you would think she would try to magic up some life extension in mortal ponies considering that she's a genius mage in desperate need of long-lasting friends. Perhaps she hadn't finished yet for some reason, but she really should have gotten far enough medically to fix her scars. I suppose they could be symbolic scars, but she hides them so I'm not terribly inclined to believe that.
Those were the major problems I had with the setting. However, as I said, if we just roll with the premise for what it is, it worked well.
Wow. This was excellent. I need to figure out what this 'Most Dangerous Game' thing is.
Gabdamnit Arch, gimme ur world-building and OC-making skillz. Plz. I needs dem.
4609516
It one of those amusing things I imagine with those "Alicorn being born, take them from their parents and make them grow up in the capital" stories.
What if... taking them from their home put a deep seated hatred of those that took them?
This is the best entry in the contest I've seen, but I'm not wholly certain about it.
That being said, well done on hitting the FB with this; only Bob managed to get his contest entry in.
4610197
Or, you know, magic can't do that. We have no idea what the limits of magic truly are in-universe, but most magic seems to be temporary in nature, which may well make it useless for such purposes. Age spells exist, for instance, but we still see old ponies, suggesting that age spells cannot actually fix ponies' old age.
Good story. Very good world building and descriptions that flow in and out of the narrative without jarring the reader. The only thing that is disappointing about it would be that I didn't get to see some more backstory. It left me with wanting more. Still a thumbs up though.
4610990
Possible, but there are a lot of things that suggest otherwise. Technically, I have no proof of eternal effects because that would require witnessing eternity, but we can deduce durations as effectively permanent from how ponies behave. There's also some weak evidence I can provide along the way in addition to strong evidence.
The Elements of Harmony worked a permanent change on Nightmare Moon (purification) and Discord (his seal was broken; it didn't wear off).
Changeling magic also seems to be permanent until dispelled.
Pegasi work permanent changes on the weather (which naturally dissipates the way weather does if they so choose; otherwise you get Cloudsdale which would require an unbelievable amount of labor to keep up so as to make it untenable if it were temporary).
The love poison was permanent until the terminating action was taken (no eye contact for a while; the story of the love poison said the couple stayed that way). On another alchemy note, there would be no non-scientific practical use of a growth potion (which Apple Bloom made) if the effects were not permanent enough to eat the end result. In fact, Zecora seems to be commonly associated with curing things (a permanent effect and a medical application), including poison joke which required a cure to fix despite discontinued contact with the flower.
If earth ponies do use their magic to help things grow, then we can throw that into the mix with the same reasoning as the growth potion. Unicorns, well, I can't think of anything off the top of my head that's definitely permanent, but several of Twilight's spells had to be dispelled (like Spike's mustache).
There's also the mirror pool which Twilight used a spell to banish Pinkie Pies. The banishment could send the real one back (presumably permanently considering Twilight's reaction) and they risked her life which presumably means that the mirror pool's clones would not disappear on their own.
Discord's changes to ponies/the landscape were (presumably) permanent unless counteracted. The strongest evidence, thought it is only moderately decent, is because he stopped caring about the elements after Twilight became 'discorded.' There's also that everyone wanted him to undo his pranks rather than waiting them out.
I'm sure there's more examples, but admittedly, I don't know canon well enough to pop off every example off the top of my head.
Of course, every story has it's own fanon to work with. So if there's only temporary magic in-universe here, so be it.
4611076
Ah, but you see, you have it backwards here; these are both extremely strong evidence for the IMPERMANENCE of magic. Nightmare Moon was a magically induced transformation, as was Discord being turned into a statue; in both cases, magic was ended, not begun. And indeed, in the case of Discord, we see that even the Elements of Harmony - the most powerful magic in the universe - cannot seal someone away in stone forever; it wore off after a bit over a thousand years, and it only kept Nightmare Moon imprisoned in the Moon for a thousand years.
This strongly suggests that all magic is impermanent on a large scale.
Added to that is the evidence from Twilight Sparkle's magical misfire as a filly; when she ceased funneling her magic into the transformations, they ended, suggesting that the transformations were sustained purely by her magic; once her magic was cut off, they ceased.
There is no real evidence of this at all, given the time frame on the show; it isn't even clear from the show how long Cadance was imprisoned for, but given the general rules of water, it seems unlikely that Chrysalis replaced her for a very long period of time; either that, or she was bringing her food and drink, which seems unlikely given the circumstances.
We have no real evidence that clouds naturally dissipate in Equestria, honestly; they don't seem to very closely resemble real-world clouds at all. That being said, when Rainbow Dash made clouds rain or thunder, the effect seemed to naturally dissipate after a very short period of time without further intervention from Rainbow Dash.
We have no real evidence of this, either; they remained that way for some time, but it is unclear if they remained that way forever. Indeed, the very fact that there was a cure written in the book suggests that eventually they were fixed.
Oh, there's lots of uses of making something larger on a temporary basis, and there's a pretty good reason to believe it isn't permanent - namely the fact that we never see them using it on their fields. Even assuming that it is permanent, you're assuming that it is, in fact, a transformation effect, which it may not be; if I accellerate the growth of a plant, then take away the substrate that helped it grow faster, it doesn't shrink.
Curing things is a permanet effexct, but it is basically just killing stuff. Antibiotics are comparable; antibiotics are only temporarily in your body, after all, and yet have a permanent effect (killing stuff). It isn't transformation magic.
As far as the poison joke goes, we really have no idea how long it lasts; for all we know, it could wear off on its own after a week, as that would be longer than the scale we've seen anyone under its effects for. There are many conditions which naturally wear off but you can accellerate a fix for, after all.
If maintaining a transformation is a drain on their magic, then it would make sense that you would dispel the effect, and indeed, as I noted above from filly Twilight's stuff, there's some indication that transformation magic requires sustainance. Likewise, when Twilight made the mice into horses, that was said to last only a day, and again, when she was turning rocks into clothing for Spike, when her concentration lapsed, the clothing reverted.
As far as earth pony magic goes, the evidence for it is sketchy, and in any case, making something grow faster is very different from transforming one thing into another; one is just a natural process sped up, while the other is not.
They really know nothing about the pool, and, again, if the magic lasted for a long time (even a day), we wouldn't know the difference.
Discord is crazy, and in any case, he is incredibly powerful from a magical point of view; how long his transformations would have lasted is hard to say, and in any case, given that he was unopposed, he could have refreshed them at will on a whim.
Of course, as far as the real world is concerned, the show doesn't actually have rules magic but soft magic, so we don't have any idea what magic can really do. But there's considerable evidence that magic can't do all of these things forever because they don't actually use it for those things, and given that age spells are known and yet there are old ponies, that is quite strong evidence that age spells, at the very least, are impermanent.
4610974
It's what I imagine as well, considering that if your trying to be nice, an armed guard contingent, various methods to keep you forced and pinned in, taking you as far as possible...
4610197
I think the implication was not that Twilight had not been trained to use her alicorn magic at the time of that battle, but that it didn’t matter. Pinpoint accuracy means a lot less when using nuclear weapons, as an example. Twilight could well have been in perfect control of her magic, but the scale of the conflict was such that collateral was unavoidable, and she either didn’t have the presence of mind or the ability to move the battle elsewhere, or to prevent it from happening, or to think of some other idea.
Morning Glory’s training is to learn to use her alicorn magic syenergetically with her natural unicorn, pegasus, and earth pony magic. To take three disparate things and have them exist in unity. Twilight means to arm her with what she did not have at the time. Teaching Morning Glory to master magic is only a bonus; the true goal of the training is for Morning Glory to master herself.
4609028 Thank you very much, I really appreciate it, and I'm glad you enjoyed the fic.
when Morning Glory next woke
Overall, this is very well written. Many things were not explained, such as who 'him' is, zerco's state, and such, however I think this is a touch of brilliance on your part, for short stories, keeping some thing not explained would make things better. I suppose the mystery would make readers more focus, more into the story, thus making things feel stronger. (But I'm no psychology expert or literature professor, so don't take my word for it)
On an (not so) unrelated note, I feel the dislike people feel against Alicorn OC are unjustified, granted, some story may be badly written, but it doesn't mean the concept is bad. The concept of immortality, outliving all and overwhelming power is interesting enough. Being born as an Alicorn would bar one from a life of normalcy, which would made for some good potential story material.
This is really good, Arch.
4611220 Yes, this exactly.
4610197 It's an interesting idea, but mere long-lived companions aren't what she's after.
4610417 gimme ur spongy lovin and I might consider it
4608947 I'll consider it. No promises.
4611380
This... wow. I knew this was going to be good, but it was exceeded any expectations I might have had. There's something almost Arthurian here, with the wise mentor and the reluctant hero. Still, sticking this in the monomythic pigeonhole would be doing it a grave disservice. It's a fantastic tale of Twilight's experiences, her triumphs told through the setting, her failures by the story and her own literal and emotional scars. It very nearly stands on its own merits as a piece of original fiction, with revelations about the true nature of the divine sisters, the Virtues, the dread Zecora, and more all waiting in the wings.
The only complaint I have is the apparent medieval stasis of the world. For all of the societal progress, up to and including a (mostly) unified global civilization, it doesn't feel like much scientific progress has been made in the past millennium and a half. Granted, there is some precedent in the flashback to the advent of Nightmare Moon, depending on how one interprets it, but in a world ruled by Twilight, I'd expect scholarly pursuits to be something of a priority.
Of course, all we see is a farming village, an airship, some ruins, and a personal pocket dimension. I can't say I have an accurate sense of this world, so I could be completely wrong. Furthermore, I'm thinking about Twilight as she was before fifteen hundred years of hard choices. Maybe she just wants the continuity. Maybe there's no need. Maybe the laws of physics are more different than I think.
In any case, a fantastic story. I'd wish you luck in the judging, but you clearly don't need it. Thank you for this, Arch.
Solidly the best story in the contest.
Interesting, though I find myself hoping Morning Glory kills Twilight.
4609516
Well, now that Twilight's decided to let Morning Glory return eventually, presumably she's going to get in touch with the parents somehow and let them know.
This is an amazing story.
I'd love to see these plot threads worked into a full story. The world building you did here in these 15k words was amazing. I have so many questions about what happened that I know you couldn't have fit in those words, and so here's to hoping for a sequel!
(That was a wink.)
-Spirit
Ouch, my feels.
Nicely written, and a great story.
Well done.
Wow, amazon story! I pretty much agree wih everything that FanOfMostEverything said.
To add in my own thoughts I thought his was wounderfully written and an amazing feat for being just shy of 15k. You definitely have a gift for story telling. You furthered the plot and built up the characters extremely well. I had no idea what to expect from this fic, but it surely wasn't to be this invested in an AU story arc. I would love to see this continued if you choose to do so!
i havint even started reading i and it already got me inerrested
Arch, you did a thing; you did a thing here, Arch.
If you do a thing to expand the thing, it will be an even better thing Arch.
Give us a thing Arch, and we shall love you for the thing.
I'd like to say something original, but I keep thinking back to what 4609028 said and I completely agree with him. I love the world building in this. The characters fit so well into it, and it's gorgeous and evocative, with just enough touches here and there to keep the image of the scenes in my head while the story flowed around them.
Dammit, what else am I going to say? I always enjoy your work, and this was lovely.
NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO! This is NOT how the story ends!
One half of me is screaming for more, the other, more tempered part of me accepts that to make more of it would do a disservice to something that only ever needed one chapter, and an extention would destroy the moods and impressions created here.
If I was to suggest one thing, it would be that "Dark" tag is not really fitting, I would say "Sad" or "Tragedy" if I was pushing it, the loss is not raw but drawn distant through time.
Overall, Excellent.
This was pretty damn awesome
As expected from Archonix! 
4611146
I can't help but disagree. The point was that the transformation of Luna into Nightmare Moon was permanent, which is to say it wouldn't come apart by itself, in fact, I might argue that the elements of harmony caused a reverse transformation rather than, say, cancelling or dispelling an effect. It's also not entirely clear that the spell on Discord 'wore off'. Perhaps it was linked to the bearers of the EoH that cast, such that if Luna and Celestia had never had the whole NMM incident it would have remained effective. The show canon also suggested that discord/chaos were required to weaken the spell somehow.
Perhaps the issue is a conflict over the meaning of permanence? Perhaps the difference between making a spell 'permanent' in d20 (http://www.d20srd.org/srd/spells/permanency.htm) and a notion of an unending spell. I think what's being gotten at here is spells that don't diminish or weaken without the action of an external force (excluding mere time).
With regard to Cadence, you assume that these 'rules of water' apply to ponies, and depending on your headcanon, that they apply to alicorns. Neither is particularly clear and the latter is practically impossible to know, since you first have to define your own canon about alicorns in lieu of details not provided in the show.
Frankly, I would argue that show does not conclusively tell us anything about whether magic is/can be permanent or not. To assume one or the other is just that, an assumption.
Also, there's no reason that the effect of the magic need not be permanent, even if the magic itself goes away, as is the case with instanteous spells in something like D&D. If you cast fireball and it sets a building on fire, when the spell ends the building will still be on fire. A growth potion could a permanent change that is not effect by the dissipation of whatever magic caused it. From my point of view, Luna's transformation is a decent example. She did something (or something else did) to alter herself. I don't think she could have undone that alteration and it's implied that the elements of harmony were required to undo it or at least restore to some other state. Frankly, we can't know if Luna post-NMM is the same as Luna pre-NMM, perhaps she has been changed, permanently, even more so than the whole NMM thing. In fact, there was a fanfic on FIMFic somewhere that took exactly that idea for part of the plot.
Buuuuuuuuuuuck. This story took it's time, but it's moments were worth it.
4608870 | 4608883
>"Queen" need not be capitalised here.
>Again, "Queen" shouldn't be capitalised, nor should "Grand Star". Titles like queen and king should really only begin with a capital letter if they're immediately followed by the person's name, like Queen Twilight, or King Sombra.
Sorry, haven't read the story yet, just browsed the comments, saw this and thought I'd point out that you missed a few errors. Well, maybe not missed, but there were some debatable bits. A simple matter of grammatical preference, really.