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Twilight sparkles wakes up to some bad news.
Apparently she went crazy with magic and decided to try to take over the world, including Equestria.
Oddly enough, this has been working out rather well.
Unfortunately for her she seems to of forgotten most of it.
Goodluck Twilight!
[New chapters being edited. Old chapters being edited as time allows.]
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I am really liking this. Therefore in the gentlest way possible I am going to be the first to tell you this. Please my dear new author. Find yourself a editor. It's very difficult to read right now and people can be rather... mean when editing isn't taken care of. If you would like some help i'd be happy to assist you! You have a great start! Please do not take this as being mean I really do like this.
I do hope to hear from you you are welcome to PM me if you'd like.
Foals Errand
PS
Upvoted Faved and followed
Okay, continue you please for you have my attention.
Very interesting idea, but your spelling is atrocious. Here are just a few, corrected in both spelling and, where needed, capitalization.
categorizing
surprise
alicorn's
Fluttershy
Pinkie
Celestia's
Also, rule for quotation marks. When you, after the quotation, explain 'how' it was said, end it with a comma and lowercase the beginning of the next word. Like so.
When you just go right on to something else after the quotation mark, it's a period and uppercase for the next.
(!) (?) and (...) override the comma/period rule, and rules for capitalizing names overrides the lowercase/uppercase rule.
NEVER. EVER. EVER. Do this. NEVER include an AN inside your text, no matter how funny you think you are, or how much you think we need your direct clarification. NEVER do that!
I'm not trying to be overly harsh: I made much the same mistakes when I started on fanfiction.net, but you really need to doublecheck your work, run it through a spellcheck (The site gives you one, so use it!) and get an editor to spot the mistakes you do not.
4328752
I reread it after i realized i uploaded the completely unedited version >_< , changed to my spellchecked version at least.
That being said i still needed to go through and check for the things you mentioned in the latter half. I'll try to get an editor right away. (I cannot edit to save my life.)
The latter half of your comment may or may not end up in a folder where i write fanfics for future reference
Anyways, thank you very much for the constructive criticism, ill keep a sharper eye out in the future.
4328816 One more thing!
"The road to hell is paved with good intentions."
-Fuck if I know
Stop ignoring your editor you maniac!
4339134
I planned too! but she's sick and I'm terrible at waiting.
I did pre-impt the chapters with a warning to protect peoples delicate sensibilities at least...
4339702 Uh, what was the deleted reply to my comment about? I'm really only curious.
I can't tell whether the lover bit is Celestia trolling or not, nor which I want it to be.
4339814
I was a derp and had no idea what you where talking about then i realized it made sense in context to the chapter and was trying to hide my derpiness.
4340000
Just as planned
Ohhh...dear. I'm guessing the Gryphons end up going full stupid and tipping Twi into saying screw it and conquering them outright...
I enjoy the story well enough, but as to your lack of patience for your editors return, I have to quote Rarity on this one: Out of all the things that could happen, this is THE! WORST! POSSIBLE! THING!
...Well, okay, it's really not that bad. But pay attention to, and wait for, your editor again! She is a thing for a reason!
4346822
I know i was bad, it was a moment of weakness! Discord made me do it!
I can see why it would be important so ill try and cool my heels,, and sit on any future chapters, until i get an editor to look both them and the previous ones over, promise
.
I can not recall having heard of "Woad to Wuin" nor the Apropos series actually, However the "Nothing new under the sun," rule may apply.
Probably.
And I guess, if my own paltry skills are acceptable, I could occasionally run an edit for you. I mean, if that's okay.
I'm not a professional or anything, but I'd at least be able to fix the obvious errors and smooth out the flow alittle.
Anything to get the story out faster.
I'm loving your detail and interpretation of griffon fashion.
Empress Twilight with amnesia?
static.squarespace.com/static/51aae414e4b013f5da4a816c/t/53345e72e4b09fffc70d3444/1395940979168/
At least we can see Twilight's reason she was about to snap. She saw the ship was sinking and instead of letting it sink along with her freinds, she went to fight the problems even if mean removing her teacher in power. I feared it would be a mirro darkly kind of thing, but was surprise she had good reason to take over, making it a bit orginal instead she was villian that went power hungry. Keep up the good work.
Your story premise is absolutely fabulous. I'll be watching this to see how it goes.
4378779
Agreed. Definitely tracking this one!
It's interesting, but you might want to get someone to look it over and help iron out the mistakes.
Hey look! :D Purple Smart's brain threw a rod and stalled out
4380949
Yea this has been a problem from CH 1, My official editor went from being sick, to getting featured twice in a row, two of her stories where on the front page at the same time, so she's been busy with her own fics.
I've created a google.doc that links to each chapter and I'v set it so anyone can point out errors w/ comments at least.. Not a perfect solution but it's better then letting me slam my face against the keyboard which is my main process in editing myself
Going to upload it to my blog post in a few moments.
Interesting, read later
4381882
You rarely ever capitalize your I's.
4386286 Fixed
However if its not too much trouble please put any further grammar, spelling, etc. in the document provided, Its there because I made it in an attempt to adress the problem at hand outright instead of filling the comments with renditions of "You did this wrong."
It gets depressing after a while
It's not ideal, as was stated earlier , however the other option is waiting who knows how long until my current editor gets free.
Also if anyone would like to be added as an regular editor, or has a more elegant solution feel free to message me.
Il del ` di leggere questo piu` tardi.
Pretty good so far. I think I'll keep an eye on this, see where it goes
If your editor is indisposed, either find another person to help you or wait. Whatever you do, no matter how impatient you are, it is vitally important for your own credibility and that of your story that you do not publish! Nearly every paragraph has some sort of error in this chapter and the last, and the technical quality goes from bad to atrocious. Which is a shame because you seem to have a very interesting story going on here, tragically buried alive underneath the veritable mountain of errors.
A few common mistakes that were particularly frequent here:
- "Would of" or similar makes no sense. You want "would have".
- "Yea" is an archaic, formal word meaning "yes", rhyming with "play", as in "yea or nay". It is not pronounced "yeah", and is not a valid shorthand. As a rule, don't write "yea", except when telling someone else not to misuse the word "yea".
- Never use two periods. A single dot ends a sentence, while three dots form an ellipsis that indicates a type of pause. The only time two dots are allowed is when one is atop the other, in the form of a colon, and no other number of dots is valid.
4388263
I've realized all the time i spend in regards to this fic is being allocated to trying to fix errors instead of focusing on writing new chapters.
A task I finally must say that I simply "give up" upon. I was never more than just passable when it came to editing, and I have found my self unable to meet the standards of my peers, and worse, it appears to have crippled my ability to deliver a story as it occurs to me that if a primary conversation topic of a fic is the method of delivery, then something is clearly wrong.
I'd like to apologize to anyone whom this has negatively affected, and as such I shall take the matter heart and shall post nothing further until an accounting can be made by an editor, as i clearly lack the skill to do so myself.
Should anyone wish to offer their expertise in the matter, please feel free to contact me through the Fimfiction messaging client.
4389197 It's no skin off my back, just a shame. Anyway, I've edited the first page and a bit of the google doc for you, but I don't have time to finish it yet or tackle chapter 3. Maybe I'll do some more later.
4389775
No worries, its been bothering me for a time. I've been trying to patch the leak instead of taking her in to dock. I like captaining the ship, but I don't know the first thing about boat repairs, to extend a metaphor.
If you'd like, ill add you to the editor list, just msg me a Gmail contact to enable on gdocs. At any rate Ill wait till they get looked at, and thanks once again for the advice.
Interesting start...
So do you have the next chapters written and are just waiting for editors?
4392240
next chapter is a little over 2/3 written, but needs to be tightened up as well before I inflict it upon some other poor soul.
I haven't been writing on it because I've been trying to hackney together edits myself which kills my desire to write more chapters. but if my Muse gets kicking i can really turn them out, the first three chapters where actually written within a four day period, plus an additional day if you include the time it took for me to decide to put down some ideas and get off my flank(The hardest part).
Actually i think ill go (try and) finish it off right now, come to think of it.
Should be "appear to have stabbed a pony to death", not of. "Of" in this context is a phonetic translation of the contraction 've, from would've, should've, could've. Sometimes pronounced as "of", but should definitely not be spelled that way. This is my most hated gripe in amateur fiction.
Otherwise this is an interesting story!
4388263 Wait, "yea" is supposed to rhyme with "bee"? I always thought it rhymed with "bay"... and the dictionary agrees.
yeah, I, and somepony else, are going through this chapter and pointing out most of the errors in the actual doc that was posted. The many uses of "of" in place of "have" have been covered. As have most other issues. You guys can drop the issue of errors now.
4394261 That it does... I have no idea what you're talking about. *shifty eyes*
This story is amazing and im loving every min. of it. It needs more chapters.......MOAR!!!!!
Also, RED ONES GO FASTA
Noticed a spelling/grammar error here
Shouldn't that be ",and ignited a war with a fourth".
4410911 Yea lemme fix that one.
That was a hold over from an earlier fix.
Can't wait until this is edited and updating again! I love the premise, although I'm curious to see how Twilight goes from an altruistic power grab for the sake of keeping Equestria together to Celestia in a maid outfit with some heavily-implied dubcon.
4409032 Celestia is da biggest so naturally she's da boss!
Holy crap ponies work like Orkz!
4415445 (Must...Resist...40k omake)
Twi'z like da weirdboyz catchin herself on fire with da Waaagh! Datz what really makz her da best Boss.
Celestia is big but iznt orky and dont fight with da Waaagh! and if it aint orky it aint nothing.
(Not...resisting...well)
4415420 I'm sure there is a perfectly logical reason for that.
Probably...
4415946
Oh me forgotz big nob Celestia lacks proper orkish values and spends all her time mucking about instead of fighting with the WAAAGH.
Seriously though in the S4 Finale I felt like a Imperal Comissar when Celestia and the other two told Twilight their plan and then let themselves get captured
"Fight Damn you! I don't care how strong he is FIGHT!!! Victory or death!!"
As for the story I honestly don't care too much about the whole harem thing and really hope it stays rather minimal. I'm way more interested in the whole setup with Twilight taking over the kingdom since the other three have no idea what they're doing. It's nice to see a more light hearted take on the concept (Twilight actually having a half decent motive) instead of having twilight go pure evil and murder the hell out of Celestia, Luna and usually half her friends. I hope the story continues and we get to see just how well Twilight is running things.
4416989
(Seriously having to restrain myself from starting "My little Warband: Friendship is Dakka" and doing orky interpretation of the events of choice FIM episodes. )
I'm really happy that some people seem to like it so far,
I am currently writing next two chapters concurrently, It was originally one chapter but there wasn't any buildup, and i also decided i didn't wanna have a tremendous number of "This also happened while dealing with Griffons" once or twice is forgivable. Three plus is just bad writing on my part. Can't say it won't happen, but ya can only do what ya can..
No promises on anything to do with further plots as my writing process is more or less a big list of things that my muse throws at me, and go about trying to make them happen. To assail some worries though, I didn't tag romance for a reason, "Things" may or may not of happened in Twilights past, and who knows what will happen in the future, but its not meant to be the central focus.
4418516
Wow truth be told I didn't even realize you were the author till that comment
, I was just having fun making 40k refrences and thought I should actually comment on the story a bit since that's what the commnet section is for.
Nice to know you're still writing this though, I can really see this having a lot of potential and what's already here is really well written. Like I said I love the fact that Twilight actually had a good reason for seizing power instead of the usual "Twilight went insane and killed everyone!EVERYONE!!!
" grimdarks I'm used to seeing on this site.