• Member Since 6th May, 2014
  • offline last seen Last Thursday

LightOfTriumph


Good authors too, who once knew better words, Now only use four-letter words writing prose. Anything goes. :raritywink:

T

Cover art by _Vidz_


A golden mirror. An ancient threat. A blinding light. Twilight and her friends must find out how to stop this phenomenon from unleashing a horrible glare upon the kingdom. Along the way she discovers some secrets of Equestria's past, her mentor's origins, the motives of old enemies, and the first Alicorn King.

Chapters (22)
Comments ( 207 )

This is pretty interesting. You might want to edit your short description, though. You have "aincient" in there. That might push some readers away.

4358325 Good call, and thanks for the read!

These first two chapters have captured my interest.

I like it so far.

I'll send Big McIntosh in with some war milk if you're thirsty.

That might just be the greatest typo in the history of ever.:rainbowlaugh:

In all seriousness, nice chapter. I like what you've done with this villain. Not only is a ghost story coming to life, but it's going to be personal for three of the most powerful characters in the story.

It's going to be personal for the three most powerful characters in the story.

Oh, you have no idea. :trollestia:

And enjoy that typo while you can, it's going away tomorrow.

I saw you asking for critique, so I thought I'd give your story a look. Here's what I found at first glance:

0. Yes, point zero. Prologue is spelled wrong in the chapter title.

1. You don't get to chose how many dots an ellipsis contains: '...' is a thing, '..' isn't, and '.......' certainly isn't, too.

2. Your paragraphing is too random. Take this example:

Flash had only been in the Guard about a year. Shining armor liked him.... for the most part.

Shining had always kept things informal, allowed a certain amount of insubordination, but Sentry seemed determined to push Shining's tolerance to it's limit. Whether it was paying other guards to take his shifts for him, fraternizing with some of the female nobility that came to visit....

Or indeed running an illegal betting pool on the outcome of the Equestria Games.

But Shining Armor knew that if it ever came down to it, Flash would take an arrow for him. And really that's all that mattered.

This is all about Shining and his relationship with Flash Sentry, therefore, it should go in one paragraph. This makes keeping track of topics easier and makes the flow smoother.

3. Use sentence length to manipulate pace. Example:

Shining Armor had got it. His happy ending. He worked hard all of his life in the Royal Guard and he finally made it, he was the captain. He had married the girl he crushed on since he was a teenager, (though he had to blow apart a Changeling army to finally get there). His sister had been elevated to ROYALTY. His family was set for life. He and Cadence were trying to have a foal. He thought he would make a good Dad, even if he didn't his wife would DEFINITELY be a good mom.......

So why? Why did he feel this uneasy?

He was alone in the Crystal Palace's throne room. He had no one to talk to. Cadence had left the Empire to visit his sister.

The first paragraph is full of short, choppy sentences. (By the way, 'His happy ending' isn't one, since it doesn't contain a predicate. The predicate is in the sentence before, so in order for this to work you'd need to join the two.). You use this here to give us a lot of information in a short span of time, and the repetitive nature of that first paragraph is an effect you might even have desired. Know though that those short sentences create tension, that is released with the 'So why?' part. All fine so far. BUT THEN, you continue making these short, choppy sentences, whereas you clearly wanted to convey a sense of boredom. This doesn't fit at all.

After reading through the whole prologue, I start to think that you're not fond of long sentences at all. I don't know if you just didn't do them, but some punctuation errors made me think you actually have trouble constructing these. Try to get the hang of it, it will do your writing lots of good.

4.

right maggot?

This feels completely out of character for me. I don't see Shining Armor as a commander that would verbally abuse his subordinates.

5. Try to stick to one point of view. You've been sticking closely to Shining Armor's POV until:

An idea slowly dawned on Flash.

This is from Flash's POV. A change of POV during a scene destroys immersion, so you should avoid it at all costs. Correct would have been: 'Shining saw an idea slowly dawn on Flash,' although this isn't really nice, either. Which leads me to my next complaint.

6. Show, don't tell. If you've read some advice on writing on this site (or any other, for that matter), you probably know the term already. The first paragraph with the short choppy sentences is all telling, but it's justified as spending more time on that information than necessary would just bore readers, but "An idea slowly dawned on Flash" is telling of the worst sort, as it creates no image in the reader's mind whatsoever. Instead, you could write something of the sort: "Flash raised an eyebrow and a mischievous grin crept on his face." Not the image you might be going for (since it's so telly, I don't even know), but at least an image.

7.

See if I caught Mr. Sentry ALONE I would have demanded that he divvy the pot up and returning it the people who bet. Since I now know that you all ALSO took part in this pool, however, I'm confiscating the pot for myself.

Whaaaat? So, besides calling Sentry Mr. (like since when do people in military organisation call each other Mr. and not by their rank?), this doesn't make sense to me. If Sentry'd been alone, Shining would've returned the money to the other guards that had placed bets. Now that they all stood around the pot when he caught them, he'll keep it himself? Again: Whaaaaat?

8.

"Your oh so subtle backhanded insults to the Aristocracy don't go unnoticed."

"Most of them are too stupid to realize what happened and ALL of them deserve it"

"Agreed.

Whaaaaat? Shining's wife and sister are aristocracy, so Shining agreeing to this is pretty out of character. Also, disregarding rules is something different from insulting aristocracy, so why are they talking about it in the first place?

9. Get a proofreader or try reading through your story more carefully. I didn't find typos but the one in the description, but capitalization and punctuation errors.

Alright, so that's it for the critique. Besides that, you seem to have a fair understanding of what information is necessary and what is not; you don't bore us with description of courtyards and somesuch, but give us a clear picture of the mirror. I liked that, although, again, this could have been done in longer, more luxurious sentences, instead of these short, chopchop snippets. I also liked your hook: "Days like this weren't supposed to happen." Very nice.

I won't be reading on, so this is all the critique you'll get from me. I hope it helps.

4384036 Thanks for the "I won't be reading on." That was necessary and helpful. :facehoof:

That being said, the criticizm is welcome. I think I fixed most of your issues in later chapters (POV and punctuation especially) as for those out of character moments for Shining, for one thing, he's not in the majority of the story, two, he wouldn't like Flash if he insulted his wife, I should have said "visiting" aristocracy, three, yeah maggot was a mistake, I should have taken that part out.

As for keeping the pot when he found out who was in on the pool, that is a thing that happens. You can't punish them if you don't know who took part.

4384772 I just wanted to let you know I won't be critiquing your other chapters. I'm sorry that it hurt your feelings.

As for keeping the pot when he found out who was in on the pool, that is a thing that happens. You can't punish them if you don't know who took part.

Does it matter he knows who took part? If he takes the pool, he punishes everyone who participated, regardless of whether he actually saw them take part or not.

4384036

Me, personally, I have a different opinion.

Sometimes short and choppy paragraphs are what you need to express the mood you want.

Sometimes not.

At other times maybe you want a giant wall of text where you include everything remotely related to the topic in a single paragraph. But that doesn't always work to convey the mood you want. If you read Stephen King you'll see he does the short paragraph thing a *lot*, whereas other writers favor the very long paragraphs. Me personally I tend to write very long paragraphs because I never know exactly where to break it; I start off on a different topic somewhere but they flow so closely into each other that I can't figure out where to put the paragraph break. And then I look back and I see this massive wall of text that I've just written. Kind of like right now, except seriously, this is a short paragraph for me, but it will serve for demonstration purposes.

Breaking up the flow with an extra paragraph or three is sometimes what you need.

Or sometimes it's a bad idea.

In this case, I felt it worked.

4385324 Well, for me, it added to the hectic nature created by the exclusively short sentences. Given that nothing actually happens, it was too upbeat for my tastes. As you said, it breaks up the flow. Of course, you can argue about these choices, so my critique was maybe too strongly worded.

4385324 My thoughts exactly. And thanks for the fav!

You'll get better as you write more.

My first story was over 40,000 words. It took me six months to write it all before I posted the first chapters. I revised those things so many times before I thought they were ready. Choppy sentences can be fixed with experience. Paragraph structure will get better when you have a clearer idea of what you want to say. Just keep writing and you'll keep learning.

You have an interesting story to tell. That is not insignificant.

4387035 I'm just happy that people are READING dude. In one week I've gotten 10 likes, 9 comments, and over 70 views.

I was expecting for me to fade into the ether, with zero views, singing Radio Nowhere to myself.

But people, y'know, READ this, had sh*t to say and stuff. I'm up 10-2! I'm on top of the WORLD right now! :twilightsmile:

The only thing that I'm annoyed about is that I pulled a major twist at the end of this chapter and no one seems to care that much. Was it THAT obvious? :sadapplebloom:

4387263
I read one of your forum posts, so I suspected what was going on.

The SOB smacked Woona, though, so screw him!

4387233 He didn't get Spike's tail. He was screwing around.

And yes, what could discord possibly have to fear from this guy? Mwahahahaha..... :trollestia:

4387279 Knew that working title was gonna come back to bite me..... Oh well! I've still got a few curveballs to throw you guys! :trollestia:

You know, I think Trollestia is going to become my FAVORITE emoticon......

4387263

I hadn't seen it coming, but as soon as you established it, it seemed like it was obvious and I should have seen it coming.

Discord taking equal responsibility (he tells Celestia "it's our responsibility" as if he's personally involved) makes me wonder if this is one of those universes where Discord is Celestia and Luna's brother. I also totally have to wonder where he's going with this "powdered Harmony Tree" thing (it looks like his last resort is to turn himself into stone, given that "paralyzed" rhymes with "surprised", but I can't see how that's going to beat this guy, so I could well be wrong.)

One thing to note: You mention Discord having difficulties near the Tree. I always thought he would, too, but in Twilight's Kingdom, he's hanging on the branches without problems. This is probably something you need to explain away somehow. (It's something I personally intend to explain away somehow because I have at least one really dramatic scene in my head riding on the idea that being too close to the tree does bad things to Discord. Haven't figured it out quite yet, but I'll come up with something.)

4390767 And that's how I know the twist works! Yay!

A good twist should make you feel like an idiot for NOT seeing it coming. You SHOULDN'T see it coming, but you should feel like there were signs that you can pick out in the next viewing!

As for the next things you said, the next two chapters, "Sins of the Father," and "When the Palce Turned Black," are a flashback dedicated to my highly bizarre headcanon. And then things get REALLY complicated!

I thought I could have chapter 4 out tonight, but some stuff happened and I couldn't finish. It should be out tomorrow morning.

If you're going where I think you're going, this is pretty damn trippy. I have a feeling Forward March won't be an alicorn much longer...

I love the idea of Luna being the first one to rebel. Celestia is always seen as the leader in the show, but it was a nice touch making Luna's night the catalyst for the revolt.

Comment posted by LightOfTriumph deleted May 16th, 2014

4394322
4358948
4387233
The only thing that did it's part
To send him crawling back.
Is when a good stalion lost his heart
And when the palace turned black

4411039 Uhhh. Was that a POSITIVE comment, or should I be concerned?

Not that I'm OBJECTING, I mean, thanks for the read, but did you like the fic? Help me out here.

4411197
I love your story, its great. I was crying for Discord/Forward March. It was just sad how he was driven insane

4411483 Good! And it was supposed to be.

I hope you keep reading! There's much more to come.

Now that I think about it, this whole CHAPTER was really depressing. Maybe I should think about doing a comedy. Me and my followers are not the most stable people.

4411656 if discord was friends with star swirl, then why did he tell fluttershy he never had any friends

4416260 Uhhhhhh..... I'll explain that later, (hastily goes to fix plothole)

No actually I do have a reason for that, and it will be made clear in 2 chapters.

Ah, the evil counterparts routine. Let's see how this plays out.

Thoughts on the fiction in general:
The foreshadowing of the villain was really well done. It left me wanting to know more of the individual before I ever saw him in the story itself. I understand the concept you are trying to go for. A concept, which is often viewed in a positive light (pardon the pun) is shown as evil. In a lot of media, 'light' based villains are rare. The one that comes to mind is Mithos from Tales of Symphonia, though his shtick is not about light in general.

As far as your villain goes you have done really well with him. He's a cruel, sadistic sort, who enjoys inflicting pain on those beneath him. With his actions it is easy to hate him, and thus he is a good villain. With that said, he can be a bit one sided. By that, I mean there is little mystery around him at this point anymore. (That I know of, in all fairness) His goals, desires, motivations are out in the open and there not much else to look forward to other than the inevitable conclusion to his story. The big reveal with the alicorn potion was an excellent head canon explanation, but it left little mystery behind.

I will admit I am a sucker for slow mystery reveal, but that is a matter of personal tastes not towards your style. :twilightsmile:

The last thing I want to add is that the story could use the services of a proof-reader. Just to catch mis-capitalizations, punctuation errors, and minor grammatical mistakes. I am by no means, an expert on this matter, but I saw a few mistakes. Getting these corrected will make for easier reading and I've learned early that many readers will be put off by them.

Continue writing my friend, I will continue reading. :pinkiehappy:

Is it just me or does the alicorn in the cover kinda look like Sunset Shimmer? :rainbowhuh:

4538120 Huh. I swear that wasn't intentional.

How'd you like the fic?

I'm here as requested.
First off, you have an excellent story here. You created a cruel and plausible villain, the kind who toys with his victims simply because he can. You have excellent characterization here, I find all the dialogue and whatnot very believable. The backstory is intersting and could fit into canon. Also, Discord's origin is interesting.
The main thing that seems a bit out of place is Seraphim's part where he toys with Sombra and your habit of sometimes switching POV.
Anyway, I look forward to the rest.

Okay, now I'm worried. Even Discord is scared? That doesn't bode well at all

......................I have not yet soiled myself out of fear...but I am still deathly afraid.....and if there are clones then MY GOD this is going to go sour fast...

Oh, Christ, this dude is EVIL. CHOP OFF HIS DANGLING BITS!! AND ALL THE PONIES THAT CAN LEAVE EQUESTRIA NOW!! Hate this dude...

Hate. Him. And why doesn't Discord get some outside help? Like a certain centaur? All that excess magic goin' off that jack###, he should be like a blackhole, sucking everything up!

"Sombra, for pity's sake," Star Swirl said, "Take this young filly out for a walk and leave your old man to his work."

ERMAHGERD

Okay, just a little nitpick, Apple Bloom speaks in a southern accent.

Other then that, I like it.

Alright, this has my interest now...

"What we always do in this kind of scenario!" Shining Armor yelled as he sprinted toward the palace. "Call Twily!"

That line produced a chuckle from me. :rainbowlaugh:

There are a few small punctuation errors throughout, but this was the only one that was really glaring to me (pun may or may not be intended):

Help, me lug this bag to my office.

There is absolutely no need whatsoever for that comma.

As far as the other slight errors I think I saw or might see, would you prefer if I commented what they are here or send you a PM?

5392631 Keep commenting here. And thank you for reading!:twilightsmile:

"Old Mare's Tale," wasn't as much of a comfort anymore.

Those old mares are smarter than most give them credit for. Exhibit A.

I actually saw this twist coming, but that might just be because of some of the books & games I've recently read/played with similar twists... With that said, this one was still pulled off rather well.

p.s. I'll go back and help with errors later. I'm rather invested in this story at the moment...

"The Light of Triumph's F$&ked-Up Head Canon Theatre"

It's been said that it's the villain that makes the story, and in my opinion, there are two main types of "successful" villains:
1. The kind of villain that you can't help but feel at least some sympathy towards, such as Mr. Freeze. :fluttercry:
2. The kind of villain that you can't help but detest and direct all of your hate towards, such as Sauron. :flutterrage:
Guess which category I'm already placing Seraphim Glare in. The only hint you'll get from me is that I have a very strong feeling towards him right now, so in my opinion this story is indeed successful, at least up to this point of the story.

Much like Rainbow Dash, I'm wondering who the cloaked figure is...

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