• Member Since 12th Apr, 2012
  • offline last seen May 12th, 2012

AhopelessEndevor


T
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Marcus was just another Brony who spends far to much time on the internet, he had few friends, and spent what little of his time not dedicated to ponies on Left 4 dead. After passing out late at night on the keyboard reading another cliche Human in Equestia fanfic, he awakes to find himself in a strange and colourful land... as a Draconequus....

Just what happens when you take a well-meaning looser with mild psychopathic tendencies and give him phenomenal, god-like cosmic power, and let him loose in Equestria to run around blindly without any clue whats going on.

Having far to much power for his own good, Will he manage to restrain from accidently killing himself, let alone anything he encounters. Will he will learn that with great power comes great responsibility?Unlikely. Gore in later chapters.

Chapters (6)
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Comments ( 179 )

This my first story, therefore so If you see any grammatical mistakes feel free to point them out. Also feel free to criticize it ,It's not the best story ever written (understatement), I'll take any criticism constructively in order to be a better writer, but I ask that you point out whats wrong, and would appreciate it if you told me why you don't like it so I can fix it, or improve it, this isn't a demand or anything just saying. Also I know it's rushed.

HAAAAAAAAAAAAAX! *mark get hit in the face by a computer monitor* Great story. I love the fact that he has Discord powers!

509700
I'm actually planning to have that happen in later chapters, he can do it.

I see some good potential in this story, a nice change from the whole, "okay, uh here's a guy. And here's the same guy except a pony and in equestria. :yay: yay!". the occasional spelling or grammatical error is fine by me, since it's a first write and stuff.

VX

awsome story bra! keep it goin as long as you can, already favorited! :raritystarry:

oh and btw you earned these :moustache:

images.mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/img/mlfw2426-dafuck.PNG


It's pretty hilarious, even though it's sort of like a mind fuck to me.

I'll keep an eye on it. I'm curious. :twistnerd:

this is relavant to my interests. by the way, it's angel (the holy wing things) not angle (90 degrees). just thought you'd like to know, i remember writing an entire essay with that screwed up once, my teacher laughed so hard he actually gave me bonus marks.

OK personal complaints time!

When one character finishes speaking and another starts, start a new paragraph or something. Thats just a personal preference.

Its Angel not angle. An angle is a mathematics term. Like how a right angle is 90 degrees. Also you forgot to capitalize Angel's name.

Other than all that, great story. I expect big things from you. Also, could we get a picture of how he looks?

VX

ha! this is hilarius! keep it up :applejackconfused:

edit also, when he was drunk this was runnin through my head:

deviantart.com/download/261801289/mlp__discord_by_yark_wark-d4bvb61.png

509776
509785
Apologies, I am dyslexic and heavily rely on spell-check. I'll fix it straight away.

509785
Also, I can't draw so no you won't be getting a picture of how he looks, sorry. I tried to make him more reptilian and scary not because I wanted him to look cool, but because I want him to appear frightening and evil to pony's and thus make it harder for him to fit in/ make friends.

He is ugly btw.

509894 Good to know. What animal does each body part come from? A list will make it easier to picture.

509917
He's got an argonian head minus the spikes and feathers, and one eye is bigger then the other. Lets say his eye's are green or whatever.
images.wikia.com/elderscrolls/images/6/62/Argonian_with_sword.jpg
-
Right arm: black dragon.
battleforthearth.webs.com/photos/Evil-Clans/blackdragon.jpg
(something like this)
Same for his left wing.
-
left Arm: unknown (It's basically human but the skin is rougher and the fingers are twice as long and end with shape pin-like talons, it's not even half the size of his other arm and quite anorexic looking).
-
Right foot: I say lizard but it'd look like this but darker. (this is a T-Rex foot)
bartoo4.files.wordpress.com/2008/08/dinosaur-foot.jpg
-
left foot: lion (think scar from the lion king).
2.bp.blogspot.com/_xqU8aCV8ADc/TEfHGRjDNfI/AAAAAAAAADo/oJouipbPQk4/s1600/mufasa19.jpg
-
He's got no fur from his abdomen up. (sounds mary-sue ish but he's not, At least I hope not).
-
His right wing is basically a ruffled looking red birds wing except it's proportionality way too small.
-
And he has a black furred tail ending in grey feathers.

Hope that helped.

510048 how long till there are updates ;D :pinkiehappy:

509848

it's cool brony, just keep an eye out for things like that. spell check ain't perfect.

"He was getting pretty sick of tree's"
Tree's shouldn't have the apostrophe. You should never use an apostrophe to make a word plural. Take a look at this for help on using apostrophes. I used to have a hard time with this when I was just starting out, so I figured i'd go ahead help you with it.
Also;
"Again his tail smacked another branch, he had very little control over the thing and it seemed to have a mind of it's own."
An easy rule for figuring out whether to use " its " or " it's " is by replacing putting "it is" or "it has" in it's place. If the sentence still makes sense, then use " it's " , and if it doesn't then use " its ". If you wanna get technical, " its " is used to show possession of something, and " it's " is simply an abbreviation of "it is" or "it has". Again, this was another problem I've had before.
Despite what all the above constructive criticism might have you think, I'm glad to say I actually enjoyed this story. You'll be seeing a thumbs up and a favorite from me, as I can't wait to see where you take this.

'whip bitches in da face!'
that line just made my day

How Did I Get Here? From k12314?

I'm a character in it! First appearance: chapter 7!

...

Great starting this'll be a wonderful story if you can make it at least this good!

If he get's clear then how could he get in trouble (above freaking out)?

But anYway, write more soon!

Oh, and Dr. Haaax needs a target for sure! :pinkiehappy:

513164
I never did read that, which is strange considering I have it as what my character reads.

Backwards in time edit:
513313
OK.

513306
Give it a read then, it's fantastic!

Bribery. Works every time.

513504
there from a friend

" 'I should really think of something cool' "Mark", 'fuck' "

The hilarity would be doubled if you added a line break inbetween those so it would look like this.

'I should really think of something cool'

"Mark"

'fuck'.

I'm glad to see you got the hang of apostrophes. Now you need to work on punctuation. Commas are awesome, I know. However, you should take care not to put them where a period should go. For example;

" 'Wow, did she really just disturb spike because she couldn't be bothered to help me herself, what an inconsiderate bitch', he always loved the Twilight from the show, but this new one he disliked, maybe it was because she was ratty, or didn't like him he pondered. "
It should be something like this

'Wow, did she really just disturb spike because she couldn't be bothered to help me herself? What an inconsiderate bitch.' He always loved the Twilight from the show, but this new one he disliked. Maybe it was because she was ratty, or didn't like him.

All changes are marked in bold, except for things taken out, like the coma after the thought. only use things like "he said" , "pondered" , or "he thought" if they actually say or think something. Also , remember to put periods after the character is done talking or thinking. Like this;

"Yea, I'm just as powerful as Discord apparently." mark replied

And by the way, you don't have to end the sentence with a period if the sentence ended with your character saying something. Like this;

After giving it some thought, Mark decided that since he was part dragon, maybe he'd like gems.
"Got any Gems?"

(Anytime a character starts talking, then no matter what it needs to be on a new line. Same goes for thoughts. In fact, everything about speaking goes for thoughts as well.)
Also, anytime starts speaking or thinking, then the first letter needs to be capitalized.
And now for the specific stuff that stands out.

he clearly had an ulterior motive for being here.

He reached the bottom and plodded along the floor, passing Mark.
"Right this way" he said tiredly. He obviously could not be bothered with this shit.
'What was he? Eight?' Mark wondered. He shouldn't be treated like a shivie.

2 things with that last one:
1. Never use actual number if a character is talking or thinking. All other times you are free to use whatever you want, but if a character is talking or thinking, use the word form of the number.
2. What's a shivie? I must know!
PS: Once again, I did enjoy this chapter. I'm fairly pleased with how this is coming along.

513628
Thanks dude, A shivie is slang for a servant. I'm not sure but I think the slang originated in the 1800's among the lower class. "oi shivie git ov-er eir".

would you like to be a proof-reader?

VX

" 'I should really think of something cool' "Mark", 'fuck' "

HAHAHAAH FUKIN HILARIUS



'

Also, Can I have some criticism on something other then grammar such as whether the story is boring at times, or if you think I could have handled thing differently/add an scene ect?

VX

513903 mother of god........

also, its not rlly boring in fact, its the most interesting thing i ever read in a long time! :raritystarry:

513990
i agree with what he said.. even the mother of god line

VX

WHAT HAVE I STARTED?!?!?!? also here ya go

Watchin ponies?

chzmemebase.files.wordpress.com/2012/04/internet-memes-not-quite-dry-enough.gif

514241
as much as possible ya unless its that good/has pony reference

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