Chapter 8: Six of His Own
"Princess Twilight?" Glare called pompously from the throne. "Your king has called for you. Please bring your servants along."
"You're no king of mine" Rainbow Dash charged at Seraphim Glare, and buried her hoof into his jaw.
Glare didn't even move. "Patience, Lady Dash. You will have all the exorcise you can handle in a few moments."
There was a sizzling sound and Rainbow Dash recoiled in pain. "Hot!" she screamed.
"Never touch a Light source, stupid girl," Glare spat at dash. "It will be bound to be hot to the touch." With one swift wave of his wing, Glare sent Dash flying.
"Rainbow Dash!" Twilight and the others ran to their friend.
Pinkie helped Dash up. "I'm fine," she said, a burn mark on her cheek. "But how does HE know my name."
"Oh, how could I not?" Glare said. "Rainbow Dash, spirit of loyalty. It's a quality I value."
"I could see how loyal you were to your Daughters.."
Seraphim Glare began to glow brighter. "I was! I love my daughters more than anything! Never question this. March and Star turned them against me! Led them down the wrong path!"
"They saved them from you!" Twilight protested.
"Never speak, you little worm." Glare turned and growled at Twilight. "You disgust me more than anything. So much praise, so much adulation, for dying light! Your name is everything I've fought against! It's surrendering to darkness!"
"That's it!" Rainbow made another lunge for glare, but Applejack caught her.
"Hold on there!" AJ said. "That won't do any good."
"Yes. Listen to your friend," Glare said smugly. "You know she speaks the honest truth."
Twilight started forward. "How did you-" She all of the sudden felt as if a hand was gripping her mouth shut.
"I said silence" Glare seemed like he wanted to skewer Twilight, but held himself back. He turned to his companion. "Your counterpart is a talker, Light. I hope you can handle her."
"Yes, father." the hooded mare said.
Rarity stepped up. "Counterpart?"
A slow cold laugh filled the room. Glare turned to Rarity. "Destiny is a funny thing, isn't it? So binding, and yet so fragile. One tiny change in events could alter the course of so many lives. Did you ever stop to think of what might have been?"
Twilight tried to protest, but couldn't say a word. Glare stepped out of the way of the mirror, it's light dimmed, her five friends looked into it.
And then the mirror began to crack. Five more cracks moved across the mirror, distorting her friends reflections.
"Six lives altered by one event," Glare said quietly. "Truly astounding, if one little filly hadn't broken light and sound..."
Light poured out of the mirror and took the form of a scarred sky blue mare, with a multicolored mane and a bandage over her left eye.
"Another would have never found her way back to the farm..."
More light poured from the mirror, taking the shape of an orange mare in a long elegant gown, mane put up in a beehive.
"A rock never cracks, a little unicorn is left with no inspiration..."
The light took the form of another highly elegant pony, a white unicorn with an evil seduction in her eyes. She was accompanied by three servant stallions.
"Animals are never frightened, a little pegasus is left truly alone..."
Another stream of light poured out, taking the form of a yellow pegasus, mane and tail pulled into tight braids. A cruel expression on her face.
"And a rainbow never shines its way over a rock farm, a little filly never learns to laugh."
One last stream of light poured out. A pink earth pony, her eyes shooting around everywhere, blood caked on her hooves and straight mane.
Glare stood with his five new companions. "One thing, however, is constant. Whatever happened in the past, you would always come back to me. I was always your destiny." Glare tilted his head. "Perhaps you would like to compare notes?"
A gust of wind seemed to blow throughout the room. There were five flashes of light and Twilight's friends were gone, along with glare's new compatriots.
Twilight's mouth was finally released. "What have you done with them."
"I gave them some time to be alone with themselves," Glare smiled.
"What does that mean?" Twilight yelled. "Who were those ponies?!"
"Oh damn." Glare said. "I left one out didn't I? A unicorn is never startled, an egg never hatches, and to discover her raw abilities, Twilight Sparkle needs to be taken under another Alicorn's wing..."
Glare's hooded companion stepped forward and removed her cloak. Twilight was amazed at what she saw.
"Make sure she suffers, Blinding Light." Glare said to Twilight's mirror image. "I want to see her burn."
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Ah, the evil counterparts routine. Let's see how this plays out.
Thoughts on the fiction in general:
The foreshadowing of the villain was really well done. It left me wanting to know more of the individual before I ever saw him in the story itself. I understand the concept you are trying to go for. A concept, which is often viewed in a positive light (pardon the pun) is shown as evil. In a lot of media, 'light' based villains are rare. The one that comes to mind is Mithos from Tales of Symphonia, though his shtick is not about light in general.
As far as your villain goes you have done really well with him. He's a cruel, sadistic sort, who enjoys inflicting pain on those beneath him. With his actions it is easy to hate him, and thus he is a good villain. With that said, he can be a bit one sided. By that, I mean there is little mystery around him at this point anymore. (That I know of, in all fairness) His goals, desires, motivations are out in the open and there not much else to look forward to other than the inevitable conclusion to his story. The big reveal with the alicorn potion was an excellent head canon explanation, but it left little mystery behind.
I will admit I am a sucker for slow mystery reveal, but that is a matter of personal tastes not towards your style.
The last thing I want to add is that the story could use the services of a proof-reader. Just to catch mis-capitalizations, punctuation errors, and minor grammatical mistakes. I am by no means, an expert on this matter, but I saw a few mistakes. Getting these corrected will make for easier reading and I've learned early that many readers will be put off by them.
Continue writing my friend, I will continue reading.
Is it just me or does the alicorn in the cover kinda look like Sunset Shimmer?
4538120 Huh. I swear that wasn't intentional.
How'd you like the fic?
4538246
I liked it.
I'm here as requested.
First off, you have an excellent story here. You created a cruel and plausible villain, the kind who toys with his victims simply because he can. You have excellent characterization here, I find all the dialogue and whatnot very believable. The backstory is intersting and could fit into canon. Also, Discord's origin is interesting.
The main thing that seems a bit out of place is Seraphim's part where he toys with Sombra and your habit of sometimes switching POV.
Anyway, I look forward to the rest.
HATE HIM
I know I said I would go through and help you spot errors after I caught up reading this, but this one needed to be addressed immediately:
Instead of exorcise, that should probably be exercise. Although at this point, I wouldn't put it past Seraphim to believe that our beloved heroes had inner demons that needed to be expelled...
Oh. That explains who the cloaked figure is. I completely forgot about the mirror cracking earlier...
I blame sleep.
1.)
Captain America: I understood that reference.
2.)
WWWWHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATTTT?!!??!?!?!?
Well, he came prepared!
3.) What accent does Seraphim have, as a king? British? American?
4.) Where did you get the name Seraphim from?
4538246 I don't like this fic.
I LOVE it.
Huh. I honestly wasn't expecting Glare's hooded companion to be a mirror version of Twilight. I was thinking more along the lines of Estelle from "Princess Trixie Sparkle". But I like this.