Twilight Sparkle is seen as a hero to all the ponies of Equestria. She not only stopped Nightmare Moon, but she also aided in sealing Discord and helped in preventing a changeling invasion. She however doesn't see herself as a hero, for all of her achievement she had to depend on the powers of others. Just once she would like to know that she can protect her friends herself, and not be the one that always needs saving.
During the first day of her one year leave to return to Canterlot, a strange meeting with Princess Luna opens the door to a great mystery, and a chance to gain the strength she desires. There's only one catch. This strength she can only attain with the help of Princess Luna, who also requires her help in protecting Equestria.
Twilight just has one question. Why does Luna keep calling her "Master"?
Is this a crossover? It is a really godt start and I love to read more, but I think I have miss something
.
3485222 It isn't a crossover. I used ideas from things I've seen and read and made something original. This will make sense later.
This has promise. I can't quite grasp the true nature of the story yet, but it was certainly an insta-fave.
I wish I had some better feedback, but all I can come up with is that bit of praise. I look forward to reading more and seeing where you go with this story.
It's an interesting premise and start, not much to say yet but I'll definitely follow this to see what will come.
Interesting start. I'd definitely like to see more.
Strong start and nicely vague foreshadowing. I'm going to look forward to thus one, but I do have one problem. You said you didn't want any flames, but if you take them away however will you roast those delicious marshmallow that their vicious vitriol cook to perfection.
Please ignore that second bit, apparently I'm hungry. Anyway nice start and sorry about my inane textual ramblings.
I have to say this has my interest piqued. I couldn't quite tell if this once in an (immortal) lifetime bond was fully chosen by the alicorn, or if copious amounts of "destiny" is involved. Guess i'll see sooner or later.
I sense a strong fate/stay night influence, I wonder who they'll fight if luna's the last alicorn..
Ok, SapphireLibra3, I must tell you this:
TwiLuna Dark Romance? Count me in! I'll give it a thorough read-through later today.
I think the fun part will be the way she is being direct in an old style. Luna is vague in her words, but only in the style of ancient speech. Very well done.
It got featured!
Yessssssssssssss...
Also, this might be relevant:
31.media.tumblr.com/3f60de7395da68ca9067c0e3dbc60d5e/tumblr_mpv2ryHQyA1rrk3g6o1_r1_400.gif
There are now three separate TwiLuna fics in the feature box.
i.imgur.com/Lq7RgLW.png
Greetings!
This is a very nice lead-up to the ship you are building. You have a good grasp on the characters, and the courting Luna is doing is interesting and slightly mysterious; very appropriate for her.
The one thing this piece is missing is a good proofreading. There are spelling inconsistencies (Sheik vs. Shiek), some word repetition, and a few other little grammar hiccups (though nothing really egregious). Aside from finding somepony else to do some editing, I recommend printing out a copy and reading it aloud; it becomes much easier to spot these kinds of things that way.
That said, the grammar tidbits didn't pull me too far out of the story, and I very much look forward to how this all turns out. Keep on writing; I'll be watching this one and wish you well!
Light and laughter,
SongCoyote
This fic seems pretty promising i will be tracking this for now to see where it goes from here.
Keep it up!
A strong start. I'm interested.
Interesting
Do continue.
Needs improvement, but it seems promising! I'm curious to see how this plays out.
It looks like an interesting premise, but...
*Dies inside a little*
See that red section? "However" is a nonessential word, therefore proper style dictates that it requires commas on both side of it. The correct phrasing here is "She, however, doesn't see herself..."
See what I mean, butterbean?
Anyway, if you'd like help proofreading it, I've got the time and I'm willing to work with you.
3489184
I think it's interesting too.
I particularity liked the part about the lavender unicorn.
Well, your story needs...more. Yes lots more. More words, more chapters, more. More. MoRe. mOrE. MORE. MOAR
TwiLuna? Yes please.
Looking forwards to more. The premise is interesting and I haven't read anything with that particular plot before. The dialog is good, but scene exposition needs work. I didn't really have any sense of their location at any point throughout. It felt like everything took place without any significant movement. I'd have liked a little description of their path through the streets and what the mansion looked like, to capture Twilight's and Spike's visual impression of the place.
So thanks for that.
This has intrigued me. I look forward to more.
Oh, er, um, oops. Didn't mean to rate up, meant to add to read later. Well, thumbs up for the TwiLuna shipping I guess.
3489388 So... you want more?
So far so good. Definitely coming back and looking forward to this story.
Interesting concept, I am going to keep up with this story and see where it goes. Always remember that you write what you want and not what others want, not the other way around. It is completely your chose on what happens in this story and so far I think its going well. Keep up the good work.
P.S. Didn't notice any grammar error's. Better than me.
~Neon Scar
Such an interesting premise...
Too bad you have a rather poor track record of completing long stories you started. Not going to touch this one with a 30-feet pole unless I see the [completed] mark.
I like it. its super sweet and i cant wait to read the next one
i very much enjoyed it i would realy hope u would continue this true i havent read any other stories by you but i would realy like to continue reading this and i whould love to help out if u need it i have nothing to do and this story realy intrest me
I really like this, and in my opinion, you have set up a strong foundation. There is an good mix of plot, seriousness, but also humor. Good foreshadowing without having to spoon feed the readers what you want to get across, and unique things sprinkled in with enough to relate that this is not a retread of something else, but also not so much that it becomes totally off putting and foreign. I really look forward to reading more. Keep up the good work!
I really like this! Can't wait to see more!
I have a sole complaint.
MOAR!
That is all.
3492116 Don't worry, this one I definitely plan on completing. This one is in a special place in my heart.
DO THIS LOOK LIKE A GOOD STORY IN THE MAKING?!?
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....
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IT DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Oh my gosh this looks like its going to be super fun to read!! I can't wait for the ride!
another story I shall read
Wait a second... *looks at stories written*
Why the heck I have not followed you yet
No. You can't have the comma there. It makes a run-on sentence, AND the 'You' would need to be capitalized. Turn the comma into a period, please.
Again, you have a run-on sentence. Fix please.
I'm sure there's more, but... I didn't get very far before I lost interest, sorry. It's not horribly written or anything. It's just not my style of story.
Interesting, I'll be following this. I'm curious, though, with "Shiek" are you going for sheik (or sheikh, shaykh, etc.), an Arab tribal leader, or is this a new term?
Hm, at first I was turned off by the first part of the story, but was relieved when it turned out to be an overly clichéd fantasy. This is an interesting premise and I want to see where this will be going. I'll be following this.
interesting i cant wait to see where you go with this
Okay Trixie's now made me more curious about what exactly is this whole pact thing. Should be interesting to see where this goes and who Aries is.
Trixie bein' a bad guy is rare these days.
I started laughing at Shining's quip about how Twilight was caught reading steamy romance novels, then I realized ai had been in her situation before my self, funny isin't it how from the outside something can seem funny but when you've experienced it you're self, it is so much different. To me, I found that the scene helped me relate better to the Twilight in this story. It's things like that, that connect people to the characters that really helps a story grow and helps keep people wanting to read the story. Keep up the amazing work!
I'm getting a whole Fate/Stay Night vibe from this fic...
WAIT- Aries?
The ra-
Oh no...
Waaaaait...
I thought that the bracelet serf/sheik thing was only with alicorns?
3517995 Yeah, oddly right?
I just wanted to try something different, cause I myself usually cast Trixie as a hero, but yeah. Seeing her evil in ANYTHING is rare now.
3518090 All will be explained in time.