• Member Since 10th Jun, 2013
  • offline last seen 5 hours ago

Blazing Dragon


The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.

T

I try not to think of my past or my problems, but sometimes when I’m alone, staring at my night sky, I can’t help where my mind wanders.

This is a what if Nightmare night never happened and Twilight meets Luna in a completely different way.

Art By: lulubellct
Proofread/Edited By: BeneathTheShade

Chapters (5)
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Comments ( 98 )

seems great so far

I kinda imagine Twilight using a pseudonym when writing. But aside from that I liked it..

I'm curious to know where do the fact that Luna created the stars come from...

3250263

It's funny, I actually toyed with that idea. I have a plan for the next chapter that will explain things. :pinkiehappy:

3251030
Glad you like it my friend.

3250524

Where in the show dose it say that she doesn't. It's just part of my head cannon.:twilightsmile:

3251162 seems like a good story so far :raritystarry: just one tip; I found it had a slightly jarring flow, especially when luna voiced something. when writing thoughts, try: the fun has been doubled! I thought to... OR 'the fun has been doubled!' I thought to... :rainbowkiss:

3251162 because stars where already present when Luna and Celestia "appeared". It was the unicorns who raised the sun and the moon before. We're not even sure Luna actually raise the stars in the show since her cutie mark is only a moon, and it's never precised in the show that she raise them in plus of
the moon. And the stars appear at twilight, not in the same time as the moon. Recently, thanks to the coronation episode and the cristal book, we have the knowledge that Twilight and Cadance became Alicorns, so it is supposed that a transformation in an alicorn is something your earned, not born with, and that Luna and Celestia earned it too, so they were mortal and couldn't be the creators of the stars/moon and the sun. But if it is your headcanon, I encourage you to develop it through this story!

“Sorry Twilight I didn’t mean to” I walk over to examine her notes and come to realize she’s studying my stares.

It should probably be stars not stares

3252414

Thanks for pointing that out.:pinkiehappy:

Damn typos!!:twilightangry2:

you got my curiosity, don't let it fall :twilightsheepish:

i like the buildup you've got going here and since twiluna is best ship when done well ( and it apears thus far that this will indeed be ) you've got me.
upvoted faved and looking forward to more.

This seems very promising I am a huge fan of Twiluna but it is quite hard to come by to be honest.. really wondering where you are going with to book and all though.. apart from the obvious that is :twilightsheepish:

I can't wait to read more.

I love.. More pweez?

3428552 3397783 3339086

The next chapter should be out in a week, or maybe sooner:unsuresweetie:.

I actually planed to release the next chapter this month, but life kinda got in the way of that.:twilightsmile:

I never thought this would be that big of a hit. I hope I don't disappoint any of you, and thank you for reading my story. :twilightsheepish:

3428599
The next chapter should be out in a week, or maybe sooner.
>1 week 6 days ago
Seems legit...

3487561

Nice one smart ass.:rainbowlaugh:

I've been dealing with a lot of drama in life right now, and haven't been able to get to a computer and stay glued to it for more than thirty minutes.:applecry:

And trying to write on a mobile is quite frankly a pain in the ass.

Then theirs the fact that I'm abit of a perfectionist, and it takes me forever to write.:duck:

But rest assured I'm working on it now, and it will be done when it is done.:twilightsmile:

Thank you for giving a shit though, it means a lot.:pinkiehappy:

I like the premise (and the idea of Twilight being a fillyfooler romance author) but I have a few gripes with the story as it is now.

While the characterization so far is enjoyable, the chapter's pacing was a bit choppy at points and may be going too fast. Since it's still chapter one, it isn't a big deal right now, but I've seen a number of stories that didn't get this under control quickly and ended up accelerating well beyond what the author wanted to do. I also would have liked to see Luna spend more time figuring out who wrote the Nightshade book though I can see her finding out this quickly.

Spelling is looking pretty good but you have a serious grammar problem. The majority of the dialogue is missing periods, and commas are misused throughout the chapter. There are many places in and out of dialogue that need commas and a couple of places in the text where they are used unnecessarily. Fixing the grammar would make the story flow much smoother.

This story could use some polish, but it also shows a bit of promise. Looking forward to the next update.

3526349

Finally, some actual feedback thanks. I'm currently working on the next chapter, and I think I've gotten a lot better, but then again I don't know, because I'm literally teaching myself how to write. Every thing that I've learned so far has been from this sites guide. Hope to hear from you when the next chapter comes out.:twilightsmile:

3526970 Glad to help, and if I see anything in future chapters I'll let you know. Grammar might be a bit hard to grasp with just writing guides. Despite being a basic part of writing it tends to be one of the things people struggle with the most, and it usually takes a fair amount of studying and practice to get it right. The first section of the story (before the line break) is written well and has no issues that I can see. As for the rest of the story, here are some examples of what could use improvement:

Shocked she turned to look at me, her eyes turned to saucers as she tried to speak
“P-princess Luna” she gasped. “You startled me” she said while holding a hoof to her chest.

First, there should be a comma after "Shocked" to denote a brief pause. Secondly, a period is needed after "as she tried to speak" or it becomes a run-on sentence with the next line of the chapter. A run-on sentence is usually when a sentence is too long (as a general rule of thumb, a sentence should cover no more than three lines on a page), but the point is to not overload the reader with information. Every time a story switches between descriptive, narrated, or otherwise non-spoken text and spoken dialogue, the reader makes a sort of mental transition. If you put spoken lines in the middle of a sentence that is mainly non-spoken the readers will likely make this transition repeatedly in a short amount of time as they try to keep the entire sentence in their heads and get frustrated with the changes in the midst of the sentence. Proper punctuation breaks this up and allows for smoother reading.

“P-princess Luna” she gasped. “You startled me” she said while holding a hoof to her chest.

Like many spoken sentences in this chapter both of these lines are missing punctuation. All dialogue should have some kind of punctuation mark at the end of each sentence. While this is mainly periods (being the most used mark) "You startled me" is an exclamation and should read "You startled me!". Additionally, all of the line above is actually a single sentence. While "P-princess Luna" would normally end with a period or exclamation mark, here both it and "You startled me" are part of the same spoken sentence, which means that the first quote should end in a comma to address the need for punctuation while showing that the line isn't finished and "You" should be lowercase. As I stated earlier, this is all one line, so while the interjected text "she gasped." is right to start with a lowercase letter, it should also end in a comma.

The correct version of this sentence should read something like '"P-princess Luna," she gasped, "you startled me!" she said while holding a hoof to her chest.'

“Twilight I made the stars I could tell you every thing you want to know about them” I respond with a smirk plastered across my face.

Needs a period after "stars". There could also be a comma after "Twilight", but if you intended Luna to say that sentence all at once then it's fine.

I wanted to inquire further, but I thought I should just let it go for now and continue where we left off. I loved hearing her talk about my night sky; such enthusiasm.

The words "such enthusiasm." feel emphatic here. If you meant for the line to be read calmly, then the period is in the right place. However, if you wanted to express excitement, it should end with an exclamation point, not a period.

I couldn't believe what I was hearing… did she just say she wanted to socialize with me again. That’s never happened before with any other pony besides my sister. I really like this mare she’s so cute and sweet. She also, hasn't shown any fear when speaking to me, which is a nice change.

The first sentence is a question, so "with me again." should end with a question mark. In the last line there should not be a pause between "also" and "hasn't" so the comma there is unnecessary.

Sorry about the long post. When people ask for advice I tend to go overboard...:twilightsheepish: At the very least I hope this helps you with your writing.

3527752 It's no problem, thanks for taking the time to go over my story. I made the corrections to this chapter, and during my editing I thought I would ask you a question.

Would you like to be my proofreader for the next chapter? PM me if your interested. I could use the help.:pinkiecrazy: :pinkiehappy:

If not, no harm done, just thought I would ask.

Comment posted by Moon Shade deleted Nov 25th, 2013

3496180
From writing myself, and having OCD, I do know what you mean by it being annoying. Still impatient though, but you can't really do anything about it.

3534303 Well, your patience is about to be rewarded because the next chapter is almost finished. Just have to add a little more, and let my new proofreader take a look at it. :pinkiehappy:

So if every thing goes well it should be out by tomorrow. :twilightsmile:

The first person nerative works(i normaly dont like it), Story is realy nice i just wish there was more of it

i like this. definitely happy to see the new chapter. the scene with tia and luna was really good and a great setup for some really good bacckground story. the slow build with luna and twily is also a nice change of pace compared to most. it is my favorite ship but all to ofter in it rushed.
i eagerly await more dear author.

Oh Luna, what a loaded question...

I am really enjoying this. It has a good balance of plot, humor, back story, serious moments and set up. I look forward to reading more soon. Please don't keep us waiting long.

3535381
Well, it seems it went well :derpyderp1:

Note: Long comment, may be offensive to your proofreader.
Well, now to be a bit of a dick to your proofreader

"I thought leaning in and kissing her neck"
"I thought, leaning in and kissing her neck"

"greenish coat, with a pleased smirk I continue to her lips."
"greenish coat, and with a pleased smirk, I continue to lips."

"She counters trotting her way up the spiral staircase"
"She counters, trotting her way up the spiral staircase"

"ponies on her hooves or the memory"
"ponies on her hooves, or the memory"

"deep breath trying to concentrate"
"deep breath, trying to concentrate"

"Shhh, my love no one will see us"
"Shhh, my love. No one will see us"

"she says smacking her lips"
"she says, smacking her lips"

“Twilight did you forget that you invited me to chat this evening?”
“Twilight, did you forget that you invited me to chat this evening?”

“I tried to wait for you I really did"
“I tried to wait for you, I really did,"

‘By the heavens she’s adorable!’
‘By the heavens, she’s adorable!’

"I thought pleased by her reaction."
"I thought, pleased by her reaction."

"I said giggling in my hoof."
"I said, giggling in my hoof."

"She laughed with me smiling wide"
"She laughed with me, smiling wide"

"Spike and that’s only because he liked the Dragon King part."
"Spike, and that’s only because he liked the Dragon King part."

"question all night but did Lavender Night"
"question all night, but did Lavender Night"

"She exclaimed throwing her hooves in the air."
"She exclaimed, throwing her hooves in the air."

“Calm down Twilight you’re not stupid.”
“Calm down, Twilight, you’re not stupid.”

"I asked getting up from my seat."
"I asked, getting up from my seat."

"She answers with her stomach grumbling loudly chuckling."
"She answers with her stomach grumbling loudly, chuckling."

“Yes but isn’t the kitchen staff all asleep?”
"Yes, but aren't all the kitchen staff asleep?"

“Twilight I’m not an invalid I can make my own sandwich and I would love to talk more on your unpublished work.”
“Twilight, I’m not an invalid. I can make my own sandwich, and I would love to talk more on your unpublished work.”

“Okay Princess if you say so, but most of my unpublished work is Fanfic of Nightshade and Daring Doo teaming up to stop The Curse of the Mummy King”
“Okay Princess, if you say so, but most of my unpublished work is Fanfic of Nightshade and Daring Doo teaming up to stop The Curse of the Mummy King”

“Please call me Luna, and what is Fanfic?”
“Please, call me Luna, and what is Fanfic?”

To proofreader:
Please don't hate me :twilightsheepish:

This makes me giggle like a filly

3539539 You can never have enough proofreaders, would you like to be my other proofreader? :duck:

There are perks, like you get to read it before any one else.:raritystarry:

PM me if you're interested. Oh! and thanks for the corrections, much appreciated.

Comment posted by Moon Shade deleted Nov 26th, 2013

3536501 Yeah, sorry about the short chapter, but in the middle of writing it I got slammed with a cold, and didn't feel like continuing.:pinkiesick: So instead of leaving you guys hanging for several more days I decided to release what I had so far.

Glad you liked it.:twilightsmile:

3536753 It's something I see all to often actually, in almost every ship, and it's annoying.

As soon as I get to feeling better I'll give you more. Glad you like my story.:twilightsmile:

3537927 Thank you very much, and as far as me getting another update soon. I won't leave you guys hanging for as long as I did last time, but it may be a bit.

As soon as I got my computer back and found time to actually write, I get sick.:pinkiesick: Sometimes man, life just plain sucks.

3539539 Some of those lines I left without commas because I felt there didn't need to be a pause in there. I have to admit that many of them did need the punctuation though, so thanks for that. I've been known to overuse commas in my own writing so I am sometimes nervous about messing with them.

However, there is something strange about this. I know that I changed the word Fanfic in the last line to be lowercase when I edited the story. I've never used Google Docs before, so I might have messed up while editing it, and might not have actually made it into the story. :facehoof: I'm going to have to look in on this. Thank you for the help.

I'm enjoying the story so far. YMMV, but I found the internal monologue hard to parse. Perhaps italics instead of the single inverted commas would help. I kept having trouble discerning Luna's thoughts from her speech.

3542638
No problem buddy. I agree that I too am a bit over the top with commas, but sometimes you can twist the sentence to make more of them work well.

I'm usually careful not too Fav'ing fics that has so few chapters, but this is an exception because M-rated fic's that's not pure clop is hard to come by. I really like what I've read so far and I'm acing to read what comes next :twilightsmile:. So please continue and don't abandon this.

3715233

Oh I'm never going to abandon this, I'm having to much fun writing it. In fact, I'm fairly close to being done with the next chapter. :twilightsmile:

3770162
I'm not going to insult a writer by calling him a novice writer, regardless of him saying so himself. My expectations are high because I want the author to learn, and get better. So by giving my opinion, even though already stated, I hope in some way will encourage them.

3773351
Other than the size, is there any thing that you liked, or disliked about the chapter? You see by telling me these sorts of things I will grow and improve as an author. Stating the obvious, and nothing else, doesn't help me improve at all.

The next chapter will be a Twilight POV, and you can count on a larger chapter this time, I promise.

Thanks for reading my story.:twilightsmile:

3773905

I would try to avoid writing first person stories, but that's more of a personal opinion so not really helpful. It always feels like the author tries to insert himself into the story. Also, try not to use OCs. The more actual characters from the show the better. Because the likely hood of Celestia not being in a story about the romance between Twilight Sparkle and Luna is... unlikely. To just fill up the time not focused on Luna's view of Twilight with OCs can work, but is not recommended. The small bits of information that Luna and Twilight talk about, like the stars or the editing of Twilight's story, should be included. It's the little things that need to be emphasized. While they are not important to the story, it's better than it being a straight shot of, "Luna is a fillyfooler, Twilight is a fillyfooler author, Luna has emotional baggage, counseling each other, romance, sex." The small details also add up in a story, making it bigger. If you focus too much on major events of the story, the higher and more plot oriented points, it becomes too predictable and no fun to read.

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