A few months ago Luna asked Twilight out, she agreed. Fast forward to the present, Twilight once a unicorn librarian has ascended as the newest member of the ruling Princesses of Equestria. However since her ascension she has pushed herself away, why? Will Luna find out and more importantly will she find the answer to the most important question, do you love me?
Written for the Second TwiLuna Contest.
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A beautiful little piece. Had me smiling by the end.
Decent, but rushed. This concept is too much for such a short one-shot, it would have been better suited as a multi-chapter story exploring both characters and their history as a couple as they reconcile with each other.
TL;DR: A good idea, but it's just too short.
4563257
I do agree with you in that I could have made it longer but for now I'n happy with it.
While I have been mulling over the idea of eventually building this out into a longer work, it is unlikely to be anytime soon.
4563720 Well, I do respect your decision, it is your story. However, I do hope to see an expansion on this idea one of these days. After all, what you already have is a good foundation to work off of.
This was really quite lovely. Good job.
Hello. Since you favorited one of my stories, I figured I'd check out yours. It's a nice story, but I wanted to point out your punctuation errors.
You should have a period after sighed.
The proper way to punctuate this sentence would be:
Try thinking of it this way: When you follow dialogue with something like she said, or she argued, it is an extension of the sentence. But when you follow dialogue with something like, she sighed, she smiled, or any other action, then the action is a separate sentence. This is a complete sentence: She smiled. This is an incomplete sentence: She said.
I just thought I'd point this out because when I first started writing, I had a lot of trouble with these same things. It took me a while to learn them as well as I do now. I hope that you found this helpful.
5089857
I do find feedback like this helpful so thank you. I have found that figuring out where commas and sentence breaks go are a bit tricky, so thank you.
5089922
No problem! If you ever have a punctuation question, don't hesitate to PM me. Or any question at all really. I love helping new writers develop their skills.
Take care now!
Good idea, average execution and awesome TwiLuna.
Has some problems with punctuation and other smaller issues. But for heavens sake... It's "millennia", not "milleniums".
It was realy cuuuuuuuute. Sorry hiiiing daw metere is off the charts. Have to do this, DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!. Wow glad to get that of my system
I thought the dialogue was a smidge robotic, and there were a handful of typos, but overall: the premise was good, it was simple but had weight, and the ending was nice. Good stuff!
6757565 DAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW indeed. People, listen to this pegasister! She speak the truth!
7654600 I'm a girl. So me pegasister
7660123 Well if you want to be called a pegasister, you will be called a pegasister :)
Some girls prefer to be called bronies anyway and I try to never hurt anyone ^^
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