Ever since she arrived in Canterlot to enact her reign as a princess, Twilight has felt a strange feeling.
The feeling of being watched, it follows her around day after day, driving her crazy. Is the new princess truly sensing a stalker or is her mind playing tricks on her again?
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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I liked it
I Liked the story but it felt really rushed especially towards the end of the story.
It had a good build up but as you got closer to the end of the story.
It felt like you forced out the rest of if just to get done with it.
Don't get me wrong i still liked it but it could have been so much more.
Eh.. It feels like you're beating the reader up with a bat made of Shipping. By which I mean you have some interesting elements but you are having characters simply DO things rather than showing us how they are thinking and feeling, what leads them to act in those ways. This results in lack of characterization, and consequently I don't care enough about the characters to particularly give a damn whether they get together -- they're just actors, I haven't related to them as people yet.
You do have many interesting elements, overall I suggest slowing the pace down and exploring each element of your story more, and in regards to characters, showing not telling (or to put it another way, implying rather than stating.)
Not bad. I can't really say much else.
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Thank you so much for your feedback, it definitely helped me see where I need to improve as a writer. Hopefully I can learn to develop the story and its characters better in the future.
a fun read in my books
I really liked this tory, there is a deplorable lack of TwilightXPrincess fanfiction out there, and I thank you for trying to fill that void.
This is up there with Common Sky as one of these sweet, short fanfics that I'll read over and over again because you have A: excellent pacing and B: make the characters so adorable (not to say there weren't any deep moments, I loved the scenes of Luna walking through the Temple of the Two Sisters; deep and heartfelt without dragging the mood down too much for the romance to follow.
I'll keep my eye on your future work, so Keep Up the Good Work!
PS. *happy/manic laughing* yay TwiLuna!!!!
PPS. Why no Luna emoticons on fimfiction?!
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Thank you for the positive feedback. It really makes me happy to hear that someone enjoys my work.
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It's well deserved mate, and I'm gonna check your other stuff as soon as I get off work. Keep it Up!
Good stuff
good plotline but seemed a little forced in places.
an enjoyable read.
Eh, I didn't enjoy Luna's archaic dialogue, again.
And Luna's primarily physical motivations make me worried for Twilight's emotional state if Luna gets tired of Twilight.
Well, that was cute.
The first quarter-ish of the fic got me super excited, it seemed original and enticing, with a nice hook by pulling me into the shipping rather quickly. The idea of Luna following her around like a shadow and Twilight searching for her was adorable, no two ways about it.
And then it all got jammed through in the blink of an eye.
For most of the story, I just feel it would've been worthwhile to stretch it out and give the plot a nice flow. Give Luna and Twilight some more depth, show their thoughts and their feelings, give them more dialogue together so we, the readers, can see their budding chemistry. This is opposed to just telling us that they're attracted to each other, which feels flat.
Also, don't give away Celestia's motivations too easily. Predictability is a killer, and after their lunch with her I could see most of the story coming. The fact that Twilight and Luna could tell as well didn't help either.
I give you points for a creative opener and a good hook, though. Like some of others have said, it could have been so much more.
The start was great!
Then I feel like you kinda lost it and things from the meeting with Celestia onwards felt rushed, more emotionally than anything else, but I just didn't quite feel like Twilight was herself for the later moments.
Keep up the good work! Makes me interested in more of your titles
great story. any chance of a sequel?
I think it seemed quite... Rushed, I suppose.
Still occupied by thought, Twilight pulled her eyes away from the distraction of the joyful princess. Well even if Celestia did lie, it was a good lie, barely even a lie at all, more like a trick. That’s right, the princess never lies, she was just pranking Luna and I by getting us together, alone with all this food.
No matter how you sugarcoat it, it is still a lie.