• Member Since 16th Jul, 2013
  • offline last seen May 5th

HiddenUnderACouch


What's that smell? Is it blood?!... No, it's a Snickers bar... But what is inside?

T

It's easy to hate a pony you don't know. The pony, whose name became the very definition of fear. The pony, who slaughtered thousands, if not millions. It's easy to hate what you don't know.

Sombra's life is shrouded in mystery. The long list of his crimes is known to everypony, but his real biography is unknown. Fight back your fear, and delve into the story of his life, from birth to imprisonment. Find out his every secret, feel his pain, his hatred, his love and his pride.

See how an innocent child was shaped to become the Eternal Weeper, the Bloody Emperor, the Demon King. See, how he earned these names, and why he walked the path he walked.

This story will contain gore, sensual scenes, disturbing ideas, mental disorders and very weird relationships.





Edited and proofread by: MessoriaAQ and Written Out
Note: This is a rewritten version! It's much higher quality than the beta version.
Cover art by: BillieW

Featured in Fiction Illumination on 18.11.2013. Big thanks to Cerulean Voice for featuring it!

[img]http://i.imgur.com/6MrWqNZ.png[/img]

Chapters (33)
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Comments ( 394 )

I haven`t read the original, but damn I`m loving this so far!
Not even joking, I can`t wait for the next chapter!

(sigh) and so it begins...

If only his family hadn't had it so rough...

Do you need an editor or anyone to pre-read or look over?

cute prologue, it really was a nice read. it got kinda... awkward at times: somethings were described with a little too much detail, and I don't know but for some reason the way Amethyst talks is a little weird, his wording is too formal, you can't really imagine anyone speaking this way. He talks like someone writes: "Oh, my, these eyes. These are mine, I tell you!" and this wording kinda makes him seem very egocentric. I mean, I'd think he'd say something like "He has my eyes" not "those are my eyes he has" I don't know maybe it's just me, but the way it's worded there makes him seem kinda self centered. He also says Sombra is different from the others, not because Sombra is unique and special, but because he is their offspring.
Otherwise this was a pretty nice prologue, it introduces us nicely to Sombra's parents and definitely sets itself up for irony, what with his dad going on about how he'll be awesome and great and known throughout history, it makes one sad for what's to come. We know what happens and who Sombra turned out to be, so seeing his parents be so happy and imagining how great he will be is actually really heart breaking. Also, is Willemite saying her dad would have named her Ruby Eyes if she was a boy a reference (or whatever you wanna call it) to Sombra's red eyes in the show? that was actually a pretty funny line, oh Willemite, what you don't know yet.

er, one last thing the gestation time you used for a horse/pony is incorrect . A horse's gestation time is just under an entire year: 360 days to be precise, give or take. not 9 months like a human. I'm really sorry, but that just really bugged me.

3465569 Just wait a little bit into the story, you'll find how egocentric he REALLY is.

Off to fix that...

>perfect score
clearly you'd be a better character writer for the show than the people they had for season 3......

3469518 Thank you, I am incredibly happy to hear that. However, if I was a writer for the show, it would not be shown on children television... He-he:scootangel:

3469596 oh right , guess there's always that.....

Wow! Just wow! This is amazing!
Usually I don`t like Mondays, but thanks to this story I can`t wait for the next Monday to come!
Btw I didn`t favourite this just to follow the updates. I somehow knew from the first chapters that the story will outstanding. :twilightsmile:

Amazing my good sir. Simply amazing.

3477674 Thank you! And the most interesting parts are still up ahead!

Wow, I'm glad kept this on my read later list! By the way, mate, the flow is still a bit awkward at times; I'd be willing to help if you want me to. But seriously, great work :pinkiehappy:

3496506
That would be my department. I'd need you to explain what exactly you think to be awkward in order to work on that. Care to exemplify that a little, mi amigo?

3496542

He put much effort into

I think "he had" would make it sound better.

Their faces would just go 'wow', along with wide eyes and open mouths

This just sounds a little awkward to me, perhaps "Their jaws would drop in surprise, awe written on their faces."

Probably father, he said he would return quite soon.

This should be in italics to separate it as a thought.

was busy all this time

"all the time".

He must do everything in his power to prevent that

"He would/he'd"

looking for ingredients that she can turn into

"could", maybe?

It's just little things like that, but I understand that it's a lot to go through (having pre-read/edited on numerous occasions myself). If you want any more examples, I'd be happy to give them :pinkiehappy:

3496598
Aye, now I know what you mean. Damn, I thought I'd've made all cans to coulds already. :rainbowlaugh:
I'll go over the next three chapters again, to make sure they'll be alright next time. Thanks for bringing attention to that. Seeya around here, mate? :yay:

3496690

Sure, good luck, mate :pinkiehappy:

Weekly updates? This suits me perfectly!
*Ahem* Where are my manners? I'm Cerulean Voice, and I post a weekly blog for the Las Pegasus Tribune every Sunday afternoon. I found this while hunting through The Decent Writer's Club and colour me impressed! I'm a fan of any story that sheds light on Equestria's past; this is certainly worth my time, as it is the time of many others. I'd like to feature this story on my post today, if that's alright with you :twilightblush:
As for the story itself, I love how you built up the idea that things might actually be okay... only for them to come crashing own. I'll be damned if that cover art isn't the most perfect representation of the story too.

3501181 Oh, I will be most pleased to see this story featured in Las Pegasus Tribune! Don't forget to inform me when you do it - I want to squee when I see this story in theblog!

3501181 Sorry, that reply was rubbish, I was just too excited to see a new comment. :pinkiehappy:

3501275
Stress less, I know the feeling. My own fics could use some more attention. :applejackunsure:
It's actually scary how close your ideas are coming to my own, for my upcoming trilogy-closer...

And thus the evil seed is planted.
Star Gem, you better run.

3505959 Much time will pass before the scores are settled at last.

Oh, Mah, Dayum! :pinkiegasp:
Yep, that'll sow seeds of vengeance alright. Your descriptive prose is so good here. I put myself in Sombra's hooves (as he put himself in his mother's shoes - there's an inception joke here, I know it) and was able to feel everything. Perhaps not on the same emotional level, but now I know how he managed to cross his own personal event horizon.

I await further story.

Good evening, mate! This review has been brought to you on behalf of Authors Helping Authors. Let's get to it! :pinkiehappy: :WARNING: MAY CONTAIN DAIRY PRODUCTS SPOILERS:

Name of story: Sombra. Saga of hatred.

Grammar score out of 10: 8.5

Pros:

1. Very nice descriptions and mood-setting

2. Good use of language to provoke a reaction from the reader.

3. An interesting plot which promises to get more interesting as time goes on :moustache:

Cons:

1. Sometimes the language can get a bit awkward. It only happens very rarely, but when it does it's quite jarring.

2. I feel that Star Gem's obsession with his mother could have had a more substantial build-up before culminating with the... rape. It was a rather steep slope into madness, that being said, it wasn't a major problem.

3. Uhh... I got nothing.

In short, this is a very enjoyable piece and I really had to nit-pick to find the problems with it. I definitely think it is deserving of more attention.

Now, if you want to review one of my stories in exchange here's the link: Beyond the Vale

Hope this helps! :pinkiehappy: :heart:

3524232 Sweet Demons, how fast do you read?

3524235

I've had this on my read later list for a long time, and I'd started reading it a while ago. I only needed to read the last chapter :moustache: By the way, this has been faved :pinkiehappy:

Absolutely loved it :pinkiehappy: The way Amethyst speaks is a little uncommon, but this happens a lot earlier that the series, so him speaking a little weirdly seems fit to me :yay:

There was this one grammar thingy (I think?)

if they were sad, or smile at him, if they’d already been happy.

Not sure if that's just me, but it doesn't sound quite right :twilightoops:

3524300 Huh. One second please.

*opens the notebook*

*facehoofs himself* What was I thinking? Alright, lemme fix that

3524300
Hmm, there's one comma too much indeed. Hey HUAC, would ye kindly remove the red maked comma in yonder prologue? :twilightblush:

Ponies that saw him walking down the street would immediately brighten up, if they were sad, or smile at him, if they’d already been happy.

3524311 Aw, come on! Give me a minute to cry.

I criev evirum I get an honest critique. Because I'm a little kid. Waaah. Waah.

Okay, I'll stop

Oh my, I'm crying :fluttercry: This is by far the best story I have EVER read. The characters... Seriously you should go work for the show :pinkiehappy:

You're amazing, don't let anyone tell you differently :yay:

3524542 I'm blushing right now :fluttershyouch:.

Happy you liked it. I hope you enjoy the rest of the story as well. There's more of it to come.

3524314

I hate to rush you, but have you taken a look at my story yet?

3524569 No, I haven't.

Please, be patient. I'm a very slow person, so I might take a lot of time to do stuff. But your review will be ready by 10:00 o'clock Moscow time. I Pinkie Promise.

3524579

No problem mate, I was just wondering.

3524308 Ghaha, no problem :pinkiehappy: Trust me, I'm still crying, just a few stupid grammar mistakes isn't enough to ruin this awesomely epic story :yay:

Now, I'll go cry somewhere in a corner... You really hit the feels :fluttercry: :raritycry:

excellent chapter.
Bravo! Bravo! Encore!

Must say I for one am enjoying the rewrite. :twilightsmile: keep it up!

My reaction while reading this was just
Ho... ly... crap
Sombras hate is growing and his dad is going to be the first to feel it. :pinkiecrazy:
Again I can't wait to read the next chapter.
I just loved the part with the bird drawing at the end! Amazing!
I like this Krystal you introduced.
Also Mr. Fizz... I see what you did there :raritywink:

This story's inevitable darkness looms overhead, like an approaching, threatening shadow. It's waiting for the opportune time to strike... :trixieshiftright:
Rather fitting, considering the story's subject. I knew I illuminated this fic for a good reason. :pinkiehappy:

3540385 I just wish more people commented. Speculation, rumors, calling me a bad name, telling me to go suck a candle - anything. Because, I'll have to admit, for all the work and money put into this story, I am heavily disappointed in the amount of reviews and views I am getting.

3540455
I'd do more for you if I could. Perhaps, though, with the re-influx of pony fans now that s4 has arrived, lpt will see more traffic? That means more people have the potential to see your story, whenever you post an update.
Trust me when I say that I know the feeling. I've written almost 85k words in my dual story, and had not much to show for it. Although, what few fans I do have, I consider great treasures.

Edit: wait, money? How much did your cover art commission cost?

3540460 Yeah, might be.

I'd reckon to achieve immideate success, you need to write something scandalous... Or porn

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