• Member Since 22nd May, 2012
  • offline last seen Aug 27th, 2017

Slip Kid


I write terrible fan fiction and I'm generally a terrible person; you only think I'm joking...

T

Canterlot Castle: a place of wonders and revelations, countless advances having been made within its sturdy walls. One such advance is scheduled to take place, a long-range teleportation spell. However, due to exhaustion, irritability and general incompetence the unicorn testing the spell is flung into places unknown...

Chapters (5)
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Comments ( 80 )

I like this story, I like it a lot. First off, the characters. I like how you made them have a personality of which you can see in the real world. Most people can do it, but only some can do it well. Second, I love how you made "Firebrand" the target of a spell testing, when he doesn't even do that class of magic. I thought that was pretty funny.

Though, it did have some down sides, but I can't think of them right now, so good job!

2812715

Thanks so much for the compliment, I really appreciate it when people take the time to comment on my stories.

2812872

You deserve it for creating something this good.

2812879

Thanks, I hope you enjoy future chapters (if you choose to read them).

2812883

Oh I'll read them. Keep up the good work!

WOW, well you've certainly got a good start to this story. Amazing imagery! Your word choice was impeccable! I expect the next chapter to be just as good! :raritywink:
Criticism: You might want to go back and check for some grammar mistakes and some typos

3498867

Thanks, mate, I think I've caught most of them.

3502413

Well, there should be new chapter soon, so you'll get your wish :twilightsmile:

Yeah, so reading through the story so far, I have to say one again that it came nothing short of amazing! I'm gonna read your stories over and over again until I acquire such level of style. :pinkiehappy:

3507741

Thanks! And thanks a bunch for the fave :moustache:

I am very much so intrigued. I request more.
However, I did notice a few errors. They were mostly in the first chapter. I don't have enough time right now to point them out, but I might later.

3507833

Thanks for the fave and the comment, mate, I'll give it another look.

3508292

Let the commenting... COMMENCE!

Good afternoon, my friend! This is your review as requested at the group Authors Helping Authors! To those reading it, beware of SPOILERS!
Name of Story: Beyond the Vale
Grammar:8.5/10 There are quite a few grammar mistakes, but they aren't consistent. There's a dropped comma here, a duplicated word there, a missing punctuation mark hither and a misused word yon. I can give you a laundry list of mistakes via PM or in the comments if you like, just let me know and I'll go through your story and pick the nits with your grammar.
Pros:
Your usage of descriptive adjectives, while a bit overpopulated at times (see 'plant-based parchment'), can add a lot of immersion to your story as the reader follows along. Keep it up!
Firebrand's sarcastic personality makes for fun reactions to the unreal circumstances he finds himself in. I see a lot of promise with this, so I await more chapters with bated breath!
You have an excellent use of mystery to draw the reader in. You make allusion to an otherwise unknown Vale and you give mere glimpses of what is really going on. The mystery aspect is probably one of the biggest draws to this story.
Cons:
To expound more on the overpopulated writing thing, the pacing of your story seems a little slowed down because you spend a lot of time on descriptions. It works in a way because it helps to draw out the suspense and sometimes build mystery, but it can be frustrating to read.
There's a popular saying amongst writers that goes 'show, don't tell'. Simply put, stating a character is scared is less powerful than describing shaking limbs, sweaty coats, and wide eyes. Once again, it's a little inconsistent on this front. Sometimes, you do well with it but every now and then you'll just state how something looks or feels without describing it (see 'agitated-looking' describing the main character).
Hmm not many more cons to be had. I was a little surprised by Firebrand's pyromania, but I think you did decently leading up to it and it fits his character well. I wouldn't change anything about that.
Notes:
A good plot with fun characters plagued by a bit of technical woes. The show, don't tell thing can be distracting and nailing down the places where you want to put descriptions would make this great. I'm very interested in what happens next! Have a fav and like. :twilightsmile:

Now, the standard thing to do here is to link a story for you to review. I have a story I'd like to get another opinion on, but I've been told it can be offensive. I'll link it here, but if the trigger warning turns you off, I won't mind if you don't read it. The story is The Diabolical Savior. Enjoy!

Comment posted by Slip Kid deleted Dec 31st, 2013

3513923

Also, I'd love to review your story, but... rape play. I'll try to get through it with my sanity intact, though :pinkiehappy:

3515307
Thanks, Slip, I appreciate it. If you feel like you don't want to, feel free not to though. I'll send you a PM with a laundry list of small errors and typos to correct.

This review is brough to you on behalf of Authors Helping Authors.

Name of the story: Beyond the Vale.

Grammar Score: 8.5 since I have found several punctuation mistakes, like missing commas. Also, I don't really know, but I think that

does that answer your question!?”

!? are supposed to be reversed like this: ?!. Not sure though.

Pros:
1. Your wording is amazing. Teach me it. NAO!
2. The descriptions are very good.
3. The dialogues seem very natural.

Cons:
1.The main character - can't really feel for the main hero. He seems like a guy who has anger issues, and for now displayed no likeable features except for wacky anger. That's a big problem for me. A very big problem
2. I'm very scared now that it's revealed that this is "Where sun never shines" alternate universe. Not a big fan of that kind of timeline.
3. *Insert critique here* Because I have no more nit-picks.

As you can see, most of my cons are my personal issues. The Pros definately outweigh the cons, and I am looking forward to seeing the main character getting a little bit of therapy. He seems unstable.

Overall, this is a very fun read. Sometimes, one might drown in descriptions, but they are too good to be annoying. So, you can have my green thumb.

3524774

Thanks for the review, mate :pinkiehappy:. I can just tell you what's happening in a PM if you'd like.

I am really enjoying this. This is getting interestin. :pinkiehappy:

3531726

Thanks, mate, I'm reading your story now.

3531978
You don't know what text slang or text speak is?

3531991

Yeah, just wondering what you're laughing at.

3531994
Just the fact that this is so good!

3532086

Have you finished it?

Ugh, why do people leave down-votes without telling me why?! :twilightangry2:

Get ready, here it comes, my honest opinion. :moustache:

Grammar
While it was far from the worst I've seen, it was bad enough that I'd suggest getting a proof-reader or editor to look it over for you. Things I caught included: misused semicolons, misplaced (or lacking where they should have been) commas, and one or two typos.

Style
You used a lot, and I mean a lot, of adjectives. This is usually an attempt to make telling seem more like showing, but what it results in is detail overload. On top of this you have a very wide range of verbs being used. While I understand the intent of not overusing common words, this goes a bit overboard. When you combine these two issues, my mind is left sorting through a bunch of unnecessary details, leaving nothing to process what is actually going on. It means I potentially miss out on the characterization or plot. These are both good things, but when used in excess (as with all things), become hindrances.

Content
From what I gathered the story seems interesting enough: very rpg-ish (I kept thinking of Dragon Age: Origins at times). I can't really comment on things like pacing or atmosphere because, as I mentioned previously, your heavy use of adjectives and a thesaurus were too distracting. I couldn't get a good feel of it.

All in all I'd say your style is what is holding you back the most right now; it's what would prevent me from continuing the story at this point. But with that said I encourage you to keep it up, I think the story has potential, it just needs a tweak or two in the way you write it. :twilightsmile:

3575817

Thanks, I'll be reviewing your story soon, my laptop's been busted for some time now. Also, could you perhaps give me a few examples of my misused grammar? By the way, I never once used a thesaurus when writing this. :twilightsmile:

Here are a few examples.

He was still fervently going through his work to spot any possible mistakes in the intricate weave of runes and threads when he was interrupted by the sound of a door opening and closing and the slight clip-clop of hooves on the polished marble floor of the alabaster room.

This sentence needs to be broken up somehow. Something like: "He was still fervently going through his work, trying to spot any of the many possible mistakes within the intricate weave of runes and threads. He was interrupted by the sound of a door opening and closing. The slight clip-clop of hooves on polished marble filled the alabaster room.

he could tell the Princess’ personal student about the the breakthrough and it housed the fasted mailing

There should be a comma after the 'and' in this sentence.

knowledge back from the threshold of The Vale; a plane of existence only accessible to the most gifted of unicorns.

There shouldn't be a semicolon here. Semicolons are only used when separating two independent clauses that are related in some way. The second clause in this sentence is dependent. Either the semicolon should be replace by a comma, or the second clause should be modified to become independent.

3579305


Ah, thanks for the help, mate :pinkiehappy:

Thanks for reading my story mate :pinkiehappy:!
I was kind of skeptical reading your story, because I'm not really a fan of Dark tags--but then I saw the Comedy one and I'm like bring it on home-skillet!
Your story is done really well, and I love the visuals your writing gives. The only thing I had a problem with--run-on sentences. The first half of the chapter was full of them :ajbemused:. I have trouble myself with describing things and steering away from run-on sentences. A rule of thumb I made up (I think), if you need 3 or more commas in a sentence and your not listing; it is most likely a run-on. Sometimes colons, semi-colons and hyphens/dashes:rainbowderp: can be your best friend if you understand how to use them.
Food for thought :twilightsmile:

3596956

Cheers for the review! I know, I have a bit of a problem with run-on sentences and purple prose but... :applejackunsure: It's kinda hard to change. Thanks again for the review :pinkiehappy::moustache:

I see there have been major revisions since my last visit, and it seems they are all for the better! :twilightsmile:

... I still can't say for sure what's going on. :applejackconfused: Perhaps there's a timeline issue that Firebrand's particular form of failing at teleportation is casting him through. That doesn't really explain why the "Nightmare Moon Won" version of the Everfree Forest has its own special, liveable climate, unless she happens to reside there.

So, Firebrand accidentally broke the timeline, his presence back here in some way brought about Nightmare Moon's victory (although in story-time, he's not yet experienced the part where he ruined everything), and he's flashing back and forth between cause and effect as he gets closer to the point when he doomed the Equestria he knew.

And I'll bet tuppence he's the one who burns the whole place to ash.

...or is the story not that dark? :derpytongue2:

Anyway, this story has been quite enjoyable so far! :twilightsmile:

3633749

Well, you'll just have to wait and see. :raritywink: And thanks :pinkiehappy:

3635820

Naturally. :twilightsmile:
That said, though, the Like and Fave from before the rewrites are staying firmly in place.

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