• Member Since 10th Jul, 2011
  • offline last seen Dec 19th, 2015

Habanc


I laugh when people think I know what I'm doing.

T
Source

Luna and Twilight are sunk into a fractured, feudal world, where the knowledge of magic is lost. Penniless and depleted, they're forced into playing by other ponies' rules, all the while trying to discover even where home is.

Chapters (15)
Comments ( 202 )

Interesante.
Will read at some point. Seems like a very original idea.

Reminds me of Apotheosis, in a good, not overly copied way.

looks interesting. will read later

Interesting. I'm assuming because of tags its a Twiluna romance adventure in the vain of Apotheosis or to a lesser extent Within and Without, which gives it points, traveling to Alternate universes gives it more points. I'm interested to see where this story will go. Will definitely follow.

1862533

Thanks! "Apotheosis" is actually a favorite of mine, but it really isn't where I've drawn much inspiration or drive from (I read it long before I even thought of this) -- maybe it affected me subconsciously? I give "Aurora" and "Within and Without" more credit for pushing me to do this, with little tidbits from other places, both pony-related ("Spark") and non-pony ("Game of Thrones").

1862453

Thank you! I've been mulling over this story for a month now, and as such I have some ideas... Expect some more originality.

1862622

*Whistles* Wow... You're good...

1862633

yeah.. I really just wanted to know where to throw it in the Twiluna group, but didn't want to come out and say ask. Didn't really matter either way cause someone else already did, so I decided to slightly recap for people interested in the story but reading the comments first. Like I do.

oh Twilight, you're such an ISTJ with your constant need for demonstrations and physical proof

1862633

I've read all of those (except maybe spark), and they're all amazing :pinkiehappy:

1863657

Clever! I'm pretty much the opposite at INFP.

1863842

"Spark" is an older fic, but it's really good. I'd recommend it to anyone who's a fan of TwiLuna, The Princesses, or epic battle scenes. It has some minor typos here and there, but regardless it's an excellent story.

Well, so far so good. I like the idea and the first chapter has me hooked.

I like the flashback method of detailing how we got to where we were. Also, I am happy it was explained now and not later.

Good show sir!

1864427

Is it the one with the Golems and the in between realm Twilight can visit with teleport magic (trying not to spoil it if it's the one I think it is)

1864511

Yup!

1864466

Thanks! Deciding on the layout of this first chapter was really tough, I can't tell you how many times I moved things around and edited chunks out. Glad you liked the outcome!

For some odd reason, I can't press like for any story. Its a shame too. Id like this twice if I could

meh... this sound way to much like another story i read, which had way to much final fantasy random pop-up buttshit going on for it (events that just appear out of thin air to add some excitement). when i started to read this i was like "oh, good, then we won't have to hear about all the boring background crap as to why this happen" *a few seconds later* "goddammit..." really? a story is much more interesting if you leave the reader for a while with not really knowing how some events happened or what is really going on and then give them some bits along the way to keep them interested in both the main plot but also the subplot, but i guess that's a little to late now... i'll decided upon this story with its second chapter and see what direction it will take.

PS. Morden has no idea what he's talking about :P

There are three great quotes here that established Twilight's character.

Luna: “There are more universes than this one.”
Twilight: “Where's your proof?”

“Sorry, Princess... But what I mean is that, no offense intended, your words do not topple thousands of hours of scientific study.”

It was a game of theirs. Princess Celestia would propose an idea, and Twilight would give some evidence to help validate or refute her claim.

This is the first fic I've seen where Twilight applies basic scientific skepticism. With Luna, she asks to see the evidence for extraordinary claims, and with Celestia she demonstrates a habit of critical thinking. The author got this exactly right, and this is one of the best depictions of a smart scientist Twilight I've read. Most authors I've found can barely pull off decent technobabble, so it's refreshing to see a story where the main character actually demonstrates the attitude and behaviour of a person well versed in science.

And then Twilight throws it out the window by not taking any precautions before beginning a groundbreaking experiment in a field she didn't even know existed until a few minutes ago.

Just because your plot requires something to go wrong doesn't mean you have to make your characters be any less smart. You could show them taking several appropriate and reasonable precautions and still have them end up in the alternate universe. It would just require a more elaborate setup. Every time you say, "What if my protagonist/antagonist was just a little bit smarter," you end up with a more interesting story.

In fact, Twilight has probably read enough science fiction and fantasy that she should have seen this one coming.

1978888

What variables are there to control or test for? As far as everypony is concerned, such a field doesn't exist (therefore no real texts or previous experiments), and the only two who know anything on it hardly know much themselves. It's not like there's much basis for evening knowing what the variables are.

I guess I could have given the whole "blind exploration" essence a little more prominence, because that's really what it is. But you bring up valid points in your critique and I'll definitely incorporate them in my future chapters (which, by the way, are being slowly churned out; real life has some other plans at the moment). I've never tried to make Twilight seem overtly scientific, but if that's how she seems then that might just be how she really is inside my head canon.

1983696

Sometimes coming up with good experimental safeguards requires a very pessimistic imagination. When considering a teleportation spell that takes you to another universe, a good degree of fear is entirely appropriate, and that fear was missing in this chapter. There are plenty of ways the spell could end in horrific death. You won't find a book on experimental design that covers topics like this, but to be a great scientist requires not just rigour but imagination as well, and imagination is definitely the tool to use here.

Twilight could have demonstrated caution by thinking about what could go wrong. In fact, it's Twilight, so she'd probably make a list of everything that could go wrong and work herself into a panic attack. She'd also consider some of the standard precautions taken when researching a new spell and the precautions taken when learning teleportation, thinking about whether or not they apply or if they could be made to apply with a bit of modification.

In fact, all things considered, Twilight would have been smarter to spend at least five minutes trying to come up with simple experimental tests that don't involve using her and Luna as test subjects. Sometimes people are really quick to settle on one idea as the only possible way, even without actually taking five minutes (actual minutes, by the clock) to think of alternatives.

This is a good story, though, so maybe I should stop thinking about it too hard and just enjoy it.

1983918

No, you're right to question my work regardless of whether you enjoy it or not. It's helpful, I appreciate it, and you get to voice your concerns.

Yes, there should have been more fear. That was one of my bigger "mental debates" when constructing the first chapter. But, of course, that would have taken another 1,000 - 1,500 words to fully bring about, support, and the finish off (at least to make it seem believable). And of my fears was drawling on for too long and turning the beginning rather purplish. That would've set off a bad first impression on many readers and that's what I abhor the most in my own work.

So, it was a delicate balancing act of what to and what not to discuss. If the whole foundations for "plane traveling" weren't so important, I probably would have done otherwise.... On the other hand, I could stall work on the next chapter and revise the first one, there's been some stuff irking me about it (not just what you've brought up). Hmm, I'll think about it.

So some worldbuilding this chapter, which is always fun to see in an alternate universe fic. Pony with the Macguffin plot device, a totally new kingdom, and apparently no unicorns at all, which is gonna make them stand out way too much. Time to invest in Luna's bats to cloak spell. speaking of Luna teaching Twilight new spells, I betting Twilight didn't expect to be learning new things like this huh. Also, how's Luna gonna teach her stuff when she doesn't have access to her magic? Just teach her by theory? should be interesting.

Twilight is being her too-trusting self, telling the pony they just met, know nothing about and who could be a robber/who knows that Luna's a princess and showing off how different she is by breaking physics. Which is good, as she's taken to making friends pretty well. She also probably should remember to call Luna, Luna, rather than Princess Luna as Luna asked, and it not being smart to declare someone the ruler of nation that doesn't exist when you don't know the world.

One thing that I find strange is their attitudes seem to scream, "We can never go back home" rather than, "We're not sure if Luna's gonna get her magic back and then be able to go back home. " Nothing is stopping them from returning as soon as Luna's burn out is done/magic is back, if it is ever done. I also felt the explanation that something stole Luna's magic could use some work as I'm not entirely sure how Twilight arrived at that conclusion beyond "A parasite leeched your magic before and when it got destroyed you were put into your weakened state. However, this is a different state as its a burn out, so I'm not entirely sure how the logical jump was made.

Edit: And because I totally spaced, I forgot to mention that I really like this story and am glad that you are continuing it, which is why I dropped a long comment.

2235624

Thanks, glad you enjoyed it!

And, whew, I can't tell you I appreciate your analysis. It throws up some nice, meaty chunks for me to chew on while I plan out the next chapter, plus gives me a new light to view my work. But be careful about some of your words mate, such as, "Nothing is stopping them from returning as soon as Luna's burn out is done/magic is back." If the link couldn't handle both of them the first time, what makes you think it can take the two of them on the trip home?

Also, yeah, I might've maybe overdone the breakdown scenes. This might have been due to some personal bias, since I can't stand alternate universe stories where the characters go through three quarters of their journey before realizing they miss their home.

2237655

mmmm, true on the "If the link couldn't handle both of them the first time" thing. Though I suppose I assumed Luna would teach Twilight how to travel between worlds and continue her teaching from the first chapter and that would help solve the problem.

As for alternate universe travelers missing their home, I think its because its something akin to shock or denial, where you do all you can to not think about it or delude yourself with overly hopeful optimism, which breaks down over time, leading to the breakdown happening later.

2237655

Quantum Castaways has a great example of an "early" breakdown in it by Twilight (don't be put off by the human, it's an extremely good story and he's a well written character). Note that the breakdown doesn't really happen until it becomes clear to her just how hard getting home will be, and even then it's sort of minor. I think Twilight's the kind of character who is less likely to just break down and cry and more likely to just get an unhealthy obsession with her goal (like in the "tardy" incident).

will this have a lot of OCs in it?

Oh dear. I completely forgot to mention, but anyone who read Chapter One before Chapter Two came out... Chapter One has been revised slightly. Sorry, it just never crossed my mind to put up a notice about that.

2240292

Well, given its AU tag, it will invariably require some amount of OCs. I suspect there will be at least a dozen characters I'm going to have to build and introduce throughout, but I'm not putting a ceiling on the number of OCs I create. If I have to make somepony new to flesh out a certain area, I'm not going to hesitate to. However, I doubt this will be like Crime and Punishment, where there are dozens of characters with all foreign names and intricate interconnections, appearing and resurging at varying points in the story. I'm no Dostoyevsky (as much as I'd love to be).

glad to see this updated, looking forward to more. :twilightsmile:

I don't know, I thought this one was good. But, I can also see where it can go wrong. There's so much stuff that happens in this one, and I'm sorry if you all get smothered under the dumps upon dumps of "stuff", but this world needs to be built. Some points have purposely been left vague. Other parts might be a touch rough... I've spent the past three days trying to buff everything out and make it seamless, but I'm still not sure. I guess that's just one of the perils of writing, not knowing if the stuff that sounds right in your head sounds right in others, eh?

Y'all can rip this apart if you wish. If you have any questions, feel free to ask them, and I'll try to answer unless spoilers and such.

Spacecowboy
Moderator

Starpainter...
Do I hear forebearings of Twilicorn in yonder distant plotlines?

Pretty good chapter, while a lot of events did indeed occur, it wasn't too many, nor were they overbearing in any regard. The cryptic sage's words, got to love/hate the vague and ambiguous premonitions and whatnot. Looking forward to the next chapter of this story, and just to say it, TwiLuna is best!

I'm assuming that the unicorn's magic in this world isn't naturally produced by the body?:trixieshiftright: tis the only explanation I have for why Twilight is so tired after trying to cast a spell.

Not ready to outright declare Twilicorn, but its probably gonna happen, so watching for that.

Lets seeeeee... So the opening scene was pretty good, I'll be honest, I was surprised and pleased when Luna was able to bargain for Twilight. You just don't see people doing that enough. (returning the needless hostage for more money). Established who too look out for (Queen Ulywn) more than others. I thought that Don (I'm going to call him Don for short) had some kind of item on him that they were chasing him for, but now I'm not too sure. And of course Luna wasn't gonna get that regalia back.

As for the city stuff, its a lucky break for them (granted, they were informed by Don a bit beforehand) that there's a large unknown land across the sea. If I was the king I'd wanna know how they got here from there and if it can be replicated. Maybe have them show off the method or ship they took. The cryptic prophecy is something Luna might want to put more stock in, considering the prophecy of NMM though.

Kinda honestly hoping that Luna will get her magic back at some point here and start wrecking stuff already. which is odd, cause they've only been in one fight. Also, now that they're in a city, I'm wondering how well Luna will be able to teach her new magic self defense stuff if they've claimed only to be able to "pick things up and down"

In all though a good chapter.

2279299

Yay! TwiLuna is indeed the best. On the topic of Twilicorn, this was started and planned well before the S3 finale, so we'll just have to see things through. To be honest, my planning is just series of plot points and subpoints, while most of details and such are filled in as I write and ideas pop in my head. For instance, Chapter 3 in my chart was something like:
"- Luna bargains for Twilight
- Donevyn gets saved by a friendly patrol and brings them back to the castle.
- The king hears them out, questions them, (omitted for spoilers), and buys their stories to an extent.
- Leader of Hurras' religion proclaims them to be in prophesy.
- Begin clearing the ground for TwiLuna to be built, via having to share a room.

Try to show Leszek confidence, Twilight emotional exhaustion, Luna unwillingness to bend to authority, world instability and hints of geography"

That's it. This allows alot of details and dialogue to be freely created and modified, keeping the process rather fluid and adaptive while still having a skeleton to plan off of. So, Twilicorn, eh? Perhaps, depending on how I fill these chapters out.

2279336

I was actually just showing how worn out the poor girl was after all the things she had to endure. Yknow, waking up and hoping to be Luna's student, and ending they day being sent to a new world, being attacked, then held hostage, watching a pony almost get abducted right in front of them, watch as two other ponies get violently killed right in front of her, and then having to be scrutinized in the middle of a royal hall. I'd be a mite tired too.

2279466

All will be revealed in good time. Next chapter will be, unfortunately, info-heavy. Such is the drawback of posting each chapter as it comes. Chapter three and four will work well when read in succession, because four answers a lot of the vague questions proposed in all the action of chapter three. Including your geography, mate, which seems to be a bit screwy. Ill go back and read chapter two later tonight to see if I wrote something wrong, but I never intended for Donevyn to imply any other known landmass. Or maybe I did? I'm on my phone so I don't have access to my notes. :/

Glad you all liked though!

2280143

oh on the geography thing I meant that to be that they took advantage of the fact that nobody knows what's across the sea to claim that's where they're from since there isn't any unicorn place, which they learned from Don. And hey, I don't have any complaints about info heavy stuff.

I'm very interested to find out about the lack of magic...Great world-building, too! Thanks for the wonderful story.

2280143 I always thought of twilight as stronger than this especially when Celestia isn't around to ask what to do right or wrong. however I get your point on her just being tired and stunned from having too much happen at once.

I've quite a few questions, that i hope are answered in the next chapter. I'm glad to see this continued though. I can only hope you've got a long-haul plan for this story, as i'm quite fond of longer fics.

2281439

I've always wanted to do a long story (180k+ words, 25+ chapters). So, your wish will be fulfilled. This story is planned to be divided into three arcs, each being about 10-12 chapters long and 65,000 - 80,000 words (This could be enlarged however, should I feel like extending certain areas). In between each arc, I've already told myself to take a two week break and perhaps write a oneshot or do some music, since I have problems burning out. It's all about the pacing, I've been finding out. I'm going to try to write a chapter every ten days, with the exception of this next one; I have to finish my RariLight (Restraint) fic this week.

So, yeah, as long as I keep focused and stick to my goal of wanting to do something monumental before I get shipped off to college in mid-August (I have, as of today, exactly half a year), I believe I can write a long fic.

P.S. I love them too, so I know exactly where you're coming from :twilightsmile:

"Dark" tag added, after much thought, as a forewarning for some more violent scenes. I refuse to do gore and disemboweling and that stuff, but I figure some people don't like their pastel ponies bleeding, breaking bones, or cutting down another as if wheat before the scythe. Just trying to be considerate. :ajsmug:

I kinda expected Twilight to be at least a little tougher than that ...
I can't imagine a couple thugs with knives being any scarier than ... oh ... a hydra, a ursa minor ,NMM, Discord or Chrissie ... :derpytongue2:
still ... this is going to be a good one. well worth a like and fav :twilightsmile:

An epic length Twiluna adventure fic? I don't think I can give you enough upvotes at the moment. There's maybe four long Twiluna fics I actually like, so I'm hoping I can call yours numeral cinque.

My one complaint might be that in the first chapter, Luna seemed a little too casual with the way your wrote her dialogue, but in the last couple chapters you've nailed her characterization; it's not a major issue. Also, it'll be interesting to see how you describe pegasi flight in a world where ponies supposedly aren't magic. Last I checked, that was generally accepted as a condition brought about by innate pegasi magic.

Interesting that Twilight and Luna are featured in a prophecy, with some kickass prophecy-names to boot. I mean, prophecies NEVER lead to anything good, but I suppose that if you get some cool names out of it then it's all good, right? I know I'd totally accept a world shattering cataclysm if I got a sweet name like that.

Anyway, keep up the great work; I'm looking forward to whatever you produce next. Hopefully you're better with schedules then I am :twilightsheepish:

2291719

Thanks! Yeah, hopefully I'll be better with my schedule too. Whether I'll make it though, I'm not sure, a lot can happen each week to push me back/move myself forward. We'll hope for the best, eh?

And yeah, I wrote chapter one maybe three months ago, and in the meantime, while I didn't have time to write, I did plan and such. One of my objectives was to tweak Luna to be tougher and more authoritative. I noticed the story was going to be dark, and she couldn't be as light and soft as she is in my other stories. As for the pegasi, it will be explained in due time.

On another note, I changed the descriptions, because it doesn't portray well some of the radical changes in this new world... Some of which will be introduced next chapter, hence why I'm editing it now.

I'm always willing to help with editing and pre reading if you still want someone.

Wow, this story is great.
I love stories that go for detailed world building with an interesting plot. And yours has all this. (TwiLuna is a great bonus as well!).
I'm looking forward to more :twilightsmile:

the one bed bedroom seemed like a really cheap attempt at getting then to sleep together, i guess i would have liked it better if twilight refused to sleep on it unless luna would and thus would take the floor while luna took the bed, or some stupid nonsense like that :P

Such a shame they didn't get to share a bed... :twilightsmile:

Strange story, I don't often read ones that take them out of Equestria like this. But very intriguing. I look forward to more.

Whew, this 'un took a while. Well, by that I mean having to wade through the cesspool of life's crap before I could reach the holy land of finding a few moments by myself to write (Haha! I have finals next week! Oh the god damn irony, it'd be sweet and succulent if only it wasn't about me...). Regardless, I put some semi-amateur-herculean effort into this, as it even broke my record for most words in a chapter (still, quality over quantity, kiddos). I really hope you all enjoy this one, and don't hate me if you don't. Just go do something else. Go read a book, some other book. Or paint. Or even, as is always valid at any point in life, you could eat something. I'm just chalk full of ideas today. Even at work, I spent most of the time thinking how to make a clopfic parody in a victorian-era prose style. Like... Mane Eyre (haha!) or something. Yeah, that sounds good.

Enough rambling. Just... read my words about ponies or something. And as I mentioned in the author's note, give Brunnen a pat on the back for his awesome help.

yay, a new chapter. Is it at all possible that something might be growing between Luna and Twilight?

Ahh, politics. The bane of societies across the world (and evidently the multiverse). I trust we shall be seeing some adventuring soon? And possibly some death beam light shows courtesy of Twilight Sparkle?

My only complaint revolves around the possible acquisition of ambassadorial positions, and sheer unlikelihood of that ever actually occurring. Still, I understand that sometimes the story comes first, and you've at least made it somewhat reasonable, so I'll gladly suspend my disbelief.

Please continue your good work, preferably faster than my own. There aren't many good long Twiluna adventure fics out there, and this one stands out both in premise and execution.

~Toxic

Also, a thanks to TheLastBrunnenG for proofreading and editing on short notice!

You're welcome! I was onboard from chapter 1, and it was great to get peek into the process. Quality TwiLuna + Adventure? Count me in!

2529618

Yes, you will see some adventuring. Just one more chapter of boring, dreary, yet completely necessary set-up before I send my group away to go questing, trekking, bargaining, and fighting. Don't worry, though, Chapter Five is planned to be nowhere near as long as this one.

2529475

*cough*RomanceTags*cough**nudge nudge*

2529732

and it was great to get peek into the process

Process? That sounds so refined and calculated and, well... smart.

I'm more like fingerpainting with hues of purple and blue over here, pressing my fingertips on whatever strikes my fancy, and once it's all said and done I take a step back and hope it makes sense.

One can wonder that Luna and Twilight are having it easy, getting offered such titles and reward opportunities so easily. But then one can think that the king and archsage have very much ulterior motives (especially archsage with his convenient proclamation).
Here are two ponies that come from an alien land, wielding 'magic', holding no loyalties to any of the kingdoms. They would be fools to let this opportunity pass them by. After all, they can be quite an useful asset in this cold war they have.

Very promising an excellent start with Characters I can relate too and strong world-building in an adventure setting. To round it up a TwiLuna Story worth watching. Keep up the great work.

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