• Member Since 23rd Apr, 2013
  • offline last seen Yesterday

Fervidor


The Tomorrow King.

E

Twilight Sparkle is having a stressful day. She has agreed to organize Rarity's surprise birthday party, but all her friends seem troubled one way or another: Applejack is overworked, Rainbow is fretting, Pinkie is acting even weirder than usual, and Fluttershy finds herself distracted by thoughts on a certain somepony.

On top of it all, Cadence sends Twilight a mysterious jewel suspected to possess magical abilities. What is the purpose of this enigmatic stone, and will its dark secrets be uncovered before it's far too late?

Rarity, meanwhile, is simply looking forward to her birthday party, even though she is technically not supposed to know about it. What she doesn't know is that she is in for a birthday she will never forget.

This story was my contribution to the Writer's Group Contest.

Chronologically, it is set at some point in the middle of Season 3.

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 30 )

Ah, yes!

I remember this one. Nice read, too.

~Skeeter The Lurker

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Glad you like it. :pinkiesmile:

Question: Do you think I should keep this tagged Adventure or change it to Slice of Life? I actually wanted to tag it as both but the site wouldn't let me. :applejackunsure:

3312498

Adventure.

Leave it that.

~Skeeter The Lurker

Ohhh now I want to know what happened between Rarity and Fluttershy! But this was a fun story to read and I found that the objects that Twi and friends were quite creative (I giggled at Twilight's). Great job! :twilightsmile:

~Raxel~:raritystarry:

This here has all the great hallmarks of original literature that quite frankly I cannot get enough of. This made me want to shoot beavers. Especially that bieber fellow.

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...While I'm glad you liked my story, please do not assassinate any popstars on my account.

Fluttershy: And don't hurt the poor little beavers! :fluttercry:

Yes, nor any beavers. Thank you, Fluttershy.

I want the makers of the show to turn this work of yours into a episode(that be so awesome) or at the least turn it into a comic if I did not know better id say you are one of the story righters for mlp :twilightsmile:

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Thanks. My aim is to write in mostly the same style as the show itself, only without the creative constraints they have to work with.

3313911 well keep it up and ill be sure to keep reading your work

Good lord, one chapter 13,000 words! Yup this is gonna take me a bit. :rainbowdetermined2:

Ah, yes, my fellow also-ran based on Prompt One!

I look forward to reading this. :raritywink:

A good story in general, with my favorite ship as a bonus. That demands several mustaches :moustache::moustache::moustache::moustache::moustache:

Also, I DEMAND A SEQUEL :yay:

3313833 I cant say anything bout the pubescent one, but ill reckon ill let the critters live only because I find overbites sexy. Lol beaver braces.

F**k. Yes.

Your talent in foreshadowing astounds me, Fervidor. There are VERY few stories with slow starts that keep me reading to find out what the f**k is going on, but this... Just... THIS! As it continued, the sentences became more powerful, possibilities became more intoxicating. I couldn't look away. I even leaned forward to keep myself from pacing, it was so exciting.

And that's what's pissing me off right now!

30+ likes? 30+ li--are you KIDDING ME?! This is pure, unblemished gold, God dammit! The mystery, the tension, the pacing, the character, the issues the touching resolution, ALL of it! 13,000 words of... The fact that these kind of stories never make it to the feature box is why I don't even look at the damn thing anymore. But as for T.W.G contest finale, I can probably point out things that cut it short.

As I mentioned already, it's a slow starter. Unlike a few of your other pieces, this doesn't exactly start with the issue at hand. Don't get me wrong, I'm all for build-up, but the majority of these fools can't appreciate, much less comprehend, the quality of that build-up. As such, I suspect many readers turned away when it seemed like it wasn't going anywhere. What kept me hooked were the character interactions. What kept my cursor on the 'back' button was the horrendously slow pace in the first 5 paragraphs.

Another ailment I saw was the 'too slice-of-life-ish' engine of the story in general. While you 'showed' and 'told' at better times, it was simply too mundane. Though, I must admit, my favorite part was Pinkie freaking out about what everyone liked. That breathed like into the mundanity, I think.

The last thing I detected, and I can't believe I'm saying this, was the shipping subplot. Let it be said that I ADORE shipping these little bitches, but I think it would've held much more impact if Fluttershy's reasons for her love were explained. Not in a whole 2000 word scene, mind you, but mentioned with such brevity that the story's ending would resonate infinitely better than it already has. For the most part, we understood that Fluttershy was MADLY in love with her target (harsh, but true), as you've shown it beautifully. But we never understood why. We only gained a mere clue through the love-poem she was turned into (most deliciously evil thing I've seen yet:pinkiehappy:)

All in all, this story is wonderful. Well-connected, page-turning, and a joy to behold for anyone who loves 'episodic' pony fics. Well done, Fervidor. And thank you for sharing.

Craine...

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Well, this was a bit unexpected. :rainbowderp:

I actually had to check my PMs to make sure I didn't send you the wrong link earlier.

these fools can't appreciate, much less comprehend, the quality of that build-up

I am so quoting that out of context. :pinkiehappy:

But yeah, I get what you mean. I'm not that used to writing suspense, honestly, though it's not really a story I could have given a very dramatic start anyhoo.

I must admit, my favorite part was Pinkie freaking out about what everyone liked. That breathed like into the mundanity, I think.

The Pinkie parts are my favorites as well. I have a kinda complicated relationship with her - sometimes I have to struggle to write her, other times she almost writes herself. This time, fortunately, it was the latter.

I think it would've held much more impact if Fluttershy's reasons for her love were explained.

That's... a really good point, actually. I don't think I actually stopped to consider that. :twilightoops:

I don't think I had any particular reason in mind, I just figured she fell in love with Rarity over time and kinda kept sinking deeper into it. For that matter, I didn't originally imagine this story having a romantic subplot to begin with. It was actually something I came up with because I had trouble thinking of a good wish for Fluttershy. So, I came at the whole thing kinda backwards.

But yeah, I totally see what you mean. In hindsight, I should really have had Fluttershy sneak in some exposition about that. In fact, while I almost never rewrite anything after publishing, I may just make an exception for this.

Huh. Maybe I really should start using prereaders these things after all? :applejackunsure:

All in all, this story is wonderful. Well-connected, page-turning, and a joy to behold for anyone who loves 'episodic' pony fics. Well done, Fervidor. And thank you for sharing.

You're welcome, and thanks for the compliments. It really means a lot. :twilightsmile:

3370144

An additional note on the Rarishy thing: A big part of the problem was probably that I tried to write the whole thing without actually stating who Fluttershy was in love with until the actual confession, even though it's ridiculously obvious. I like using little stylistic tricks like that, which I guess can get kinda silly. Gonna have to keep that in mind for future projects.

3370336 That is something to keep in mind, considering I had NO idea whose bones she wanted to jump. An egging twitch in my brain told me it was Rainbow Dash. Then the egging twitch disappeared with a defeated grumble when Fluttershy was turned into that poem.

Though that was great for 'connecting the dots' as it were, you're right; it would have held just as much 'Holy S**t' if Fluttershy's love interest was revealed from the start. Ah, well. As the old saying goes: Live and Learn, Looking forward to more of your work.

Craine...

Love this:heart:

Twilight explained my feelings about chocolate perfectly!:twilightsmile:

SEQUEL PLEASE!! POOR FLUTTERSHY!!:fluttershbad::fluttershysad:

Love it. That's it.:heart::heart::heart::heart::heart::heart::heart::heart::heart:

06.30 p.m: Be a book.

07.00 p.m: Be a book.

I completely lost it here.

Great story. I'm still wondering, though, exactly what Spike wished. To be Rarity's knight in shining armor?

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Something like that, yeah. Probably something along the lines of: "I wish I could be Rarity's prince" or "I wish I was a noble hero so that Rarity would notice me", or something very ironic like that.

While I don't support the ship, everypony was darn near spot-on. Heck, even the happy ending fell into place quite naturally. Brava, good sir. Brava, indeed. :moustache:

Quite a good lil story. You did a great job keeping everyone in character and the resolution to the issue was quite satisfying. The only thing I can think to add is that you should do double spacing between paragraphs, it makes it easier to read.

Very good my friend, have a like a fave a follow and a few moustaches
:moustache::moustache::moustache::moustache::moustache:

”Fluttershy! Don't you dare run away from me!”

That line alone made me giggle so hard...! :rainbowlaugh: Diabetes, indeed.
It's a bit embarrassing to admit, but... honestly, I didn't expect this story to be, you know... that great. Shorter stories usually tend to rush things through, but this one... it was wonderful. Lovely. Heh, fabulous. :twilightsheepish:
Your characterization is spot-on, you didn't press the whole romance-thingy to hard, you involved all the other characters quite a lot, it was just... perfect. While a lot of stories tend to be some kind of raw diamond, your tale is already a beautiful jewel.

Thank you!

PS.: By the way, I love how Rarity immediately runs after Fluttershy. This kind of situation comes up often in romance-related contexts and usually, they settle on "nah, I just sleep about it, let him/her go crazy this night and we'll talk about it tomorrow, because THAT will make everything better, I'm sure. :pinkiecrazy:" This... was nice for a change. And way more believable. (At least, I couldn't sleep with a revelation like this.)

This felt a lot like an episode of the show (other than the romance). And I mean it in the best possible way.

That was magnificent and, even if i predicted what would happen, i was on the edge of my seat, metaphorically, the entire story. Now we just need some sweet smooches between Rarity and Fluttershy to finish it off and make it perfect.

I bet you had quite the chuckle when Inspiration Manifestation rolled around.

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