• Published 15th Jun 2013
  • 2,692 Views, 173 Comments

Pony Verse: A Collaborative Collection of Pony Poetry - darf

A wide-ranging anthology of verse from nine of FIMFiction's top poets.

  • ...

A Poem, by Gummy

A Poem
by Gummy


Author's Note:

Poem by Gummy

Comments ( 44 )

A 39 chapter fic totaling 8.5k in one go?

Well, if it works.

~Skeeter The Lurker

Well, this certainly is an interesting little collection you've got here. I'll be looking forward to reading it.

Best Poem

That awkward moment when the table of contents, and the summary in some cases, is longer than most chapters. Methinks James Patterson has been meddling in other's affairs.

(Untitled graffiti found on the walls of Canterlot, after the Changeling invasion)

My love, what have you
become? What dread change, what lie,
what eyes gaze at me?

What green fire, your pyre
alights? What dark jewel, thy skin,
shining, imitates?

My love, where have you
gone? For I am lost, and I
cannot see the sun.


(Scrawled beside it.)

Should I reply, oh
Love? Should I lie and whisper
Comforting untruths?

Should I say you meant
More? Prop up your shattered soul
And say I love you?

You were food and prey,
Love, and that will not change, no
Matter what I say.

I hate Haikus. Using a form from a mora timed language in a stress timed language by counting the number of syllables is a special type of madness.

Poet: Defoloce

"Beneath the Sun"

I quickly familiarized myself with the "English ghazal" form—I'm not familiar with the form of the Arabic ghazal, so I can only look at this from an English-ghazal perspective.

Please keep in mind that this is only my opinion, and nothing more.

There were two parts that seemed to be put in an improper place, making their inclusion seem unnecessary even though it fit into the poem:

A desert, do they cry, where nothing’s said to grow,
and yet our gardens blossom forth, gift from the Sun.

No fear can freeze me, nor can jealousy take hold
so long as I am fit to rear up by the Sun. (I'll admit that this may not really be an issue, just the poet offering praise to the sun in the form of a mighty self-declaration)

From long since past, the days on storytellers’ tongues,
are come the tales of the coming of the Sun.

All ponies lived in mistrust of their own alike
for all was scarce and needful ere there came the Sun.

A loom does not hold in it a capacity
to weave a visage that proper tributes the Sun. (This just seems to come out of nowhere. The narrator is talking about the time before the sun came, but then he comes into how no tapestry or other sewing-art can encapsulate the Sun's beauty; as it comes right after the bard talks about how everything Saddle Arabian residents needed was scarce before the sun, it leaves me wondering if the Sun did anything to being the needed things into bounty. I know it can be assumed that it is, but as this is the bard's praise of the Sun, I don't see why that was left out.)

The poem as a whole, though, I feel shows the bard's appreciation for the sun, and even though the poem doesn't rigidly adhere to the English ghazal form (as far as I can tell), the modified form does keep the praise consistent. The transition from talking about the sun in their area to the sun's origin in their land to the sun's beauty is something I can follow, and even though the transitions between them are not smooth, the bard's talk in each subject is pleasant to hear.

The first section is about the majesty of the sun in the bard's area, and for three couplets, it embeds a great mystery in what lies beyond the horizon. Saddle Arabia is a place we don't know about, and thinking about there being a place beyond the place shows a great consideration for the bard on your part. Well done!

The middle part, where the bard talks about the origin of the sun in their land, lacks a lot. The bard says that the storytellers told the story of the coming of the sun, but there's no tale about Celestia bringing it. It's just that darkness ruled, and then it moves to the last point. I'll just say that I didn't like it.

The third part of the bard's poem talks about the beauty of the Sun, and of Celestia, and you present some very lovely imagery here. The part about the laughter dulling the swords stood out to me, and the rest of it was great. That part about being a servant to the Sun was believable because I felt that his acknowledgement of the Sun's kindness and beauty was something that resonated within him—I think that's why I don't like that second part, because it doesn't relate to him in any way.

To close this, the mentioning of the sun at the end of each line kept with the form, and it did so in a good significant manner each time. The rhyme scheme was not adhered to, but that's my taking this as an English ghazal; I don't know if you attempted to write it any other way, and if you did, you can ignore this/clarify what you did for me. The couplets, too, were significant in their own manner, and that's good.

Overall, I think this poem's okay. Eve though the rhyme scheme is absent, the other adherences to the poem form are used in a significant manner. The first part and the third part are good, but the second part lacks a lot. As an overall poem, you express pride, humility and wonder alright, although the weak middle does make the poem seem like the bard doesn't care about the Sun's origin.

That's just my opinion, though. Take it how you will.

Interesting. Are you still accepting chapter/poems for inclusion?


darf is awesome, but I'm definitely more of a fan of Pieces of a Grey Cloud than Pinkie Pie Sucks A Hundred Dicks. (That title makes me want to quote Clerks in the worst way...)

And I did :rainbowlaugh: at the cider line, though... or what the censors banned from being the cider line, so to speak.

this compilation was an assortment of hand-picked individuals based on their examples and some bias on my part. as such, it's a complete entity.

we have discussed the idea of doing open call compilations in the future, but based on the performance of this set, even with our signal boosting, i'm not sure there's an interest in it. will be sure to send out a call if anything further occurs, however.

So darf wrote it...
and it's not rated mature.

Welcome, pony poetry, you've made it.

Ah... very well, then. Thanks for taking the time to reply.

yeah, those 200 views really did it :rainbowwild:

it's the votes based on age - it got a lot when it went up

If there is going to be an open-call compilation in the future, it will almost certainly start (or at least be heavily advertised) over at the Poetry group. Personally, I'd love to do another anthology, but what 2727927 says is very true. With several big names and a month's hard work, we barely edged this one onto the featurebox, and it's gotten a mere 200 views. Future collaborations will definitely have to take into account the amount of work involved vs. the expected reward.

If someone (including you!) is willing to take charge and press forward regardless, maybe we can make an ongoing thing out of it, but it's a lot more work than it looks (as darf can attest).

EDITED TO ADD: With EqD's feature and a big spike in views, the whole endeavour feels a whole lot more justified, but as darf says below: aigh the formatting

the formatting


i'm not mad



Wow, thanks for taking the time to write such an in-depth review of "Beneath the Sun!" Please know that I take all criticism to heart and try to improve myself based on it.

I admit my study of ghazals as they should work in English is pretty fragmented and incomplete. As you pointed out, the poem suffered from disjointedness, and I chalk this up to having too many images I wanted to cram into one poem whose format I'd already taken to its maximum length. I needed to keep the focus on praise, and my insistence on inserting snatches of mythology into it got in the way of that. Also, ideally, the last three syllables should repeat between couplets, but it was flat out beyond my skill to make that happen.

Originally I tried writing a qasida, which is more Arabic in origin to fit in with Saddle Arabia, but the format does not play well with English at all and I couldn't get anything to sound good. English qasidas mostly sound like someone talking to themselves, and they lack any of the lyricism present in their Arabic counterparts. Since ghazals are more Persian than Arabic, I moved the setting from which the poet was composing to a little-known land east of Saddle Arabia, where the ponies there seem to be aware of their own obscurity, and they happily think of themselves as the first to see each sunrise.

just wanted to say i appreciate all your comments
as long as some people got something out of all our hard work, it makes any reception a lot sweeter

thanks again :heart:

Oh yeah, I forgot to comment on this poem!

It's excellent. The prose flows so freely, and the wordplay is so intense! I admit it - I broke down and cried. Truly this poem is an unambigious masterpiece.


Family, the golden memories of carefree summers
Family, the bountiful harvest won by toil
Family, the struggle and triumph of harsh winters
Family, this very spring night, so peaceful and fragrant [Big Macintosh Waxes Poetic]

I like these lines.

"Ignis Fatuus"? A will-o'-the-wisp? Because the poem's about a death? (An aside: It seems that this piece's title used to be "Applejack x Tree".)

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
And as long as I’m afraid,
I’ll never have you.
So I’ll be blue, too. [Untitled Hearts and Hooves Day Poem]

That hits home.

Loved the Clerihews. I think my favorites are "Applejack cannot abide figurative prattle", "Berry Punch" (it's ridiculous; I died of laughter), and "Princess Mi Amore Cadenza". Horizon's "Pinkamena Diane Pie: / The Element of Why" went over my head, though.

Gummy :heart:

Oohh, I gotta feel sorry for ya.

Fluttershy attempting to rape a human is a stock scenario to a 4changoer.

This poem by gummy spoke to me. I feel like the whole world was explained with such a masterpiece. How much for this poem!? :flutterrage:

All the Red and Black Alicorns
Super special with their wings and their horns
We are so very
very sorry

Poor OCs :)

I loved this. Great work everyone :heart: !

Alexander. I just agree... Matthew`s posting is inconceivable... last saturday I bought a great Chrysler sincee geting a check for $6818 this past four weeks and also ten grand this past munth. no-doubt about it, this really is the most financialy rewarding I have ever had. I actually started three months/ago and immediately started earning over $74 p/h. I use this great link, BOW6.COM

I'm a sucker for poetic stuff in general, to say nothing of well-written poetry, and to see a more serious-minded collection than the last one (and only other one I've seen to date) was, it made me feel true glee. Tracking this for when more may be added!

On no related note, how do we report stuff like 2734976 for horrifying grammar, spelling, punctuation and generally being a spambot? :facehoof:

> Horizon's "Pinkamena Diane Pie: / The Element of Why" went over my head, though.

Read the last line aloud.

*ducks and runs*

i clipped out internally circulated 'here's exactly what this poem is about' stuff because i don't really feel there's a place in a poetry anthology for explaining the meaning of a piece. that said, i've yet to see anyone comment on the specifics of a lot of the stuff i wrote, but i suppose that's the risk one takes with this format of presentation.

also, the ToC still has it labelled 'In emulation of Christopher Smart', which should be enough to ferret out the style when assisted by a google search.

This is ironic to me because I wrote some pony poetry and posted it myself.:pinkiehappy:Glad to see others share the same interests!

2740522 Snobbish? Never! I very much appreciate you for your analysis and kind words.

Comment posted by Rara deleted Jun 21st, 2013

I wrote chapters 6, 19, and 35 (Big Macintosh Waxes Poetic, When The Night Mares Come, and We Gallop Around). It was a huge honor and a total surprise to be asked to contribute to this! I put a lot of effort into my poems, and I do hope I was able to add something new to the mix. Thanks to everyone for their lovely comments, on my poems and all the others! :raritystarry:

that's true of the Lyra poem as well, but having an author's note saying 'here are the secret forces at play' doesn't do much more than say 'this isn't worth looking for'. this is the nature of puzzles and intentional complexity - it's there for people who want to look hard enough for it, but risks going unseen by everyone else.

Can I submit a poem to be included? I just decided to write a poem on a whim, but I can't post stuff that isn't 1000 words on this site.


Going off the comments of 2727927 and 2728370, the compilation is almost certainly closed for new poems and will probably remain so.

The Poetry group is open, however, and does contain threads relevant for posting individual poems. Alternatively, you could do what I'm doing and save up a store of poems and self-publish a compilation.

Sorry about not being able to say yes.

That's fine, I completely understand. I'm just gonna post my poems up on DeviantArt and wait until I have 1,000 words :twilightsheepish:

i have to admit i was hoping to see more of these for later poems. any chance we'll see some in-depth analysis of other entries?

2791405>>2792276 Sorry for taking so long; I've been moving to a new apartment, and the one I'm in has no internet access. So my access to the internet is sparse.

ForeverFreest, I hadn't noticed that shift in the rhyme scheme that you mentioned, and I think it's damn-well clever that you made it that way. The whole snobbish thing comes from my paranoia that people will think my long comments are just my trying to be highfalutin, when I just try and be encompassing.

darf: I began working on ambion's poems, but I had a bad week, and whatever I had to say back then would've not done them justice. I've also been wrestling with a review of a fairly long story, and that's been taxing on my self-esteem, so that's been messing with me. My bitching aside, I'll get something for ambion and Cynewulf soon, if I don't beat myself up too hard.

no stress or obligation necessary. just thought your comments were cool and insightful and was hoping to hear more of them.

if you find the time, i look forward to reading whatever you come up with.


Sorry for the late reply -- been a while since I checked for comments in need of answers.

As for who wrote it, no. Not really. 'Things to pay attention to' in the poem were more focused on the number of stanzas given over to each sense, and what significance that throws on the last one.

Also, waifuism. Because it fascinates me.

Truly, this is the greatest poem of them all.

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