• Member Since 9th Jul, 2012
  • offline last seen Saturday

solocitizen


Everytime you hit the like button on a story, Lumina smiles.

T

After being marooned on an icy world in unexplored space, Lumina must now face the perils of this frozen wasteland and search for some way home. But in this dark place, she discovers something that was lost to pony kind ever since the fabled Equestria sank into the ocean over 10,000 years ago. Something that will change her, and possibly the entire galaxy, forever.

Not a cross over, and not an alternate universe. This is the far future, and this has happened before.
Cover art by CSImadmax

Now in the FimFiction Gold Archives!
Now on Equestria Daily!
Now featured in Fort-Book Reviews!

Chapters (16)
Comments ( 438 )

This is chapter one of "Awakening," a fic that has taken nearly eight months to write, edit, and revise. New chapters will be posted every Friday!

Amazing Cover Art. Awesome grammar, and nice story telling.

So far, I give you a 9 out of 10 Flutteryays. Missing one simply because I have ran out of chapters to read on this.
:yay::yay::yay::yay::yay::yay::yay::yay::yay:

Just kidding. have another c:
:yay:

Defintely keeping an eye on this. Nice job :derpytongue2:

ooooh DAYUM! THIS is one of those fics that you wish to see featured because it deserves it!

This is pretty interesting! I like the premise, even though there's still a lot of questions to be answered. I'll be keeping an eye on this story. :twilightsmile:

Interesting idea; good delivery.

Chapter One: Excellent idea. Original, nice use of OC characters for once. It's a good refresher from the crap that plagues this site.
A little more detail could be given, though. Who's Lumina? Who's Animus? What's the Luna Dream? Where are they? What's FTL? How long after the return of Luna is 10,056 AC? Why can't pegasi fly and unicorns use magic?
Formatting: Spacing, spacing, spacing. You need to have a lot more space.
Ch. 1 Overall: :yay::yay::yay::yay::fluttershyouch: (4/5)

Chapter Two: Already, way too short. Chapters should ideally be about 1,300 words. Again, how is Twilight temporally communicating with her? Where are they? How old is Lumina now?
Formatting: Same as before.
Ch. 2 Overall: :yay::yay::yay::fluttershyouch::fluttershyouch: (3/5)

Chapter Three: What's happening? What hit them? What's Animus' hard drive? Is he the AI? What happened at all?
Overall: :yay::yay::yay::fluttershyouch::fluttershyouch: (3/5)

Overall rating up to chapter three: 3.3/5

2174540
So, in other words, more spacing and make the entire thing a little less confusing. I think I can fix all that with a few quick changes. Anyway, it's good to know that this can be just a little hard to get into for new readers. Thank you!

Why hasn’t this been featured yet? :twilightsheepish:

Thank you for adding this to Authors Helping Authors, I may not have found it otherwise. This isn’t an official review so you don’t have to comment on my story unless you want to.
As for grammar and spelling I didn’t notice anything wrong. The story is well written and very interesting, the world building has me very intrigued and I defiantly want to keep reading. The OCs are also well presented too.

So to summarise, this is great! :pinkiehappy:

An interesting start, and an interesting future.

From the opposite stance of RecoveryOnePFL over there, I love being surprised and confused, and having information and background revealed bit-by-bit. It reminds me a lot of my own writing style - which may or may not be a good thing, depending on how good we are. :twilightsheepish:

There are a few mistakes I found, and places where I would have written something as narration instead of dialogue, or put in a bit more description. I can read back through and send them in a PM, if you want. Other than that, I'm looking forward to the next chapter.

2178894
Thank you! And please, feel free to send any suggestions my way; I am always looking for ways to improve. I'm glad to hear that the early surprises don't make the piece hard to approach for the reader, that was something I was really working to make sure went well.
2178663
:twilightblush: Thank you, the positive feedback means a lot after so many months of working on this. Now I know which group I should send my stuff to get read. I like to think I have a wealth of writing knowledge and skills, and I'm pretty eager to share them and help others. As long as there isn't any clop, I'd happily read, comment and fav, and provide feedback on your story.

2179133 Don’t worry, I’ll never write any clop. :twilightsheepish:

You can find my story here. Thank you.

Also here’s a hint, find and review other stories in the group and ask them to review this. Otherwise this may go unnoticed. It worked wonders for me.
If you are also interested a friend of mine has started his own author support group, it’s still small (just started yesterday) but hopefully we can get it bigger. It’s here if you want to take a look.

Soooo... ponies don't believe in magic in the future? That must suck.

Animus: a female's inner male voice; and, in Assassin's Creed, a link to the past.... interesting:trixieshiftright:

Curious: what drove you to write this fic?

(I save my report untill I finish the so far 3 chapters!:rainbowdetermined2: You have my fav, of course:twilightsmile:)

2186489
You know, the usual, the TV show I was watching at the time I was writing this (LOST, The Ghost Whisperer, Avatar: The Last Airbender), the music I was listening to (Daft Punk, Avicii), the game I was playing (Mass Effect 3), and an... interesting personal experience I had around the time.
Oh, and by the way thank you for the art links!

Very interesting start for the story :twilightsmile:
Cannot wait for the next chapter. :twilightsmile:

You wait for one chapter and two come along at once :pinkiehappy:

This just keeps getting better and better.

Alright, I just finished you fic, and it's pretty interesting so far. I find your story to be very interesting and find myself eagerly anticipating what happens next:twilightsmile:. On the other hand, you seem to have the same problem I have in that you need more stuff to fill out the chapters a little better. I feel that they're good, but you could explore the dynamic between the doll and Lumina and the one between Lumina and Animus a little more thoroughly. Sorry if my analysis wasn't as lengthy as yours:twilightsheepish:, it's just that you made very few mistakes. Other than what I just posted, it's very close to being a great fic :twilightsmile:. Keep up the good work my friend.:moustache:

Thank you for sharing with us this wonderful story ! :twilightsmile:
I have a question regarding worldbuilding, but please do not answer it if answer will contain spoilers :)
There were mentioned invasion by the Pegasus Tribe. If this is far future and not alt universe - genes should be mixed enough during equestrian period, that there will often happen other tribe foals even in families consisting purely of pegasi. So question is: what pegasus tribe is: society consisting purely of pegasi (what do they do with non-pegasus foals in that case?); society with pegasus majority; or mixed society inspired some flight/fight pegasus ideology (quite interesting might be for space pirates or anarchists) ?

2206046 It's a pegasus majority, and though there are still plenty of earth ponies and unicorns on their worlds, the government is dominated by pegasi.

I really enjoyed this story, especially the first chapter. Wonderful interactions between Lumina and Animus. :D

Review from authors helping authors in return for you having kindly reviewed mine first.

Pros:
Alright first of all this fic reminded me that its been far too long since I read sci fi. Now for the pros.

Very good interaction between Lumina and Animus, I was curious how you write it now that Animus is basically running on 1% which was a drastic fall from their previous interactions but I believe you wrote the interaction between them very well. Luminas frustration at the situation together with remembering him as her friend, take that and the occasional glimpse of real intelligence from Animus and I am left wondering how much of him still is available.

Also as far as I can notice you're doing well with showing instead of telling your story, and the occasions where you do tell part of it doesn't feel forced or redundant to me. Merely interesting information as the current universe in which Lumina live in is revealed.

Now I'm no technological genius but I found the sci fi setting to be well written, carrying with it that futuristic sensation without going overboard with any kind of miracle machines.

And finally, it's an interesting story. Simple as that, I am curious exactly what it is that Lumina has found, who was it that shot her down and other questions alongside those. Nothing like interesting questions to be answered to grab ones interest, well mine at least.

Cons:
I'm sorry here but I don't think I can come up with much at all actuall, I'm not happy about it as it makes me seem lazy and criticism is what most authors most hope for when receiving these reviews. The only thing I can come up with are some slight grammatical errors that I take up in the grammar score. I simply enjoyed the story and couldn't find anything to nitpick about really.


Grammar score:
All in all this story flows out quite well, however as far as my english grammar can carry me I spotted some small errors that throw one of a bit. However that is mostly just simple stuff such as using the wrong word at one location, forgetting an "a" or "the" in the sentence. Simple stuff like that which can easily be fixed by skimming through it one more time. There was one occasion where I felt a comma instead of a dot would have worked better, however that was merely a single instance and I am far from mastering where to place proper punctuations so I might be wrong, I just noticed it broke of the flow for me when I encountered it. All in all, just simple errors that easily happens so I give it a 9/10 in grammar.

Notes:
Not much to add besides what I already said, so I just repeat this. This is a very enjoyable story and I am eagerly awaiting more, I tried to find some more cons to mention however I failed in that regard, if somebody else makes a review in the future I hope they fare better with that than I have.

I have thoroughly enjoyed what I have read so far! This really inspires me to write :pinkiegasp: However, a couple of things.

1. If it is 180K outside, despite what I'm assuming a limited sunlit world, and the sun fades out like you mention, wouldn't the temperature drop to something so low that it would freeze her suit?

2. I'd be scared lifeless if that centipede machine disappeared. Is she really that fearless?

Just my thoughts on these, its nothing really. But I thought this was a great story. Please continue!:pinkiehappy:

2219049
I'm glad you're enjoying it so far! Knowing that people are getting so much out of this fic has really made the long hours and months of work well worth it. I hope that you're just as happy with the chapters to come.
As for point number 1, I really don't know how her spacesuit works exactly. I do know that ponies have been perfecting the technology over the course of many thousands of years, so I'm pretty much going to justify it as super advanced and time proven tech.
And to address your other point, that's why she got out of there right a way. I'm probably going to revisit that scene a little bit, and play up the terror the centipede invokes, when I sit down to make some revisions to the fic as a whole (which will be next week sometime), but I'm not going to change the "what happens" in that scene.
Thank you for the feedback!

2222548 I hope moar chapters soon?:pinkiehappy: If you need, I'm totally happy to edit or whatever.
Additionally, I totally agree to keep the centipede part. I was like wigging out and was screaming at her to leave. Just needs a small tweak, in my opinion. :twilightsheepish:

2223820
Thank you, the feedback is most appreciated, and I never turn down assistance when it's offered. Yeah, if you see something that you think could use improvement, point it out and I'll take it under consideration.

This story is so... intense that it could be adapted into an awesome sci-fi movie by only changing the names and the fact tha they are ponies. :moustache:

it's like a combination of LOST and Robinson Crusoe (yes there are enough remarkable differences to consider them not repetitives with each other)

I have no doubt that EQD will accept this. Honestly I’ve loved every second so far and I can’t wait until the next update.

But do take your time. It’s better to be good than rushed. :twilightsmile:

I been far too slow in making a certain reference I believe.

:twilightsmile: You're a wizard Lumina.

With that out of the way, goodluck with EQD, yeah not sure what to else besides that. Just goodluck.

2237216
I think you're the first person to actually point out the connection between this fic and LOST. I really drew a lot of inspiration from that show, and I tried to pay homage to it in places. Yeah, and this story is really starting to get intense. Oh man, all the feels are happening in the upcoming chapters.

2238753
Thank you! I'm really happy to hear that so many people are enjoying this fic! I hope it makes to EQD, that would make my week. If it doesn't, eh, I could live with that too. Want me to let you in on a little secret? I'm not actually in the process of writing this; I finished the first draft of "Awakening" some time in August, and I've been editing it ever since then. They still have to be reformatted for fimfic and they need some touch-up work done before they get posted, though.

Wow, this is pretty good, just started, I'll also hold onto my full review for later, but so far I can say the writing is good, didn't see any errors in spelling or grammar either.

All in all, so far it's really good, I don't see to much wrong with what I've read so far. There is one sentence that didn't make a whole lot of sense though.

"The hefty of her saddlebags weighed down her steps and dug into her back. It was unrelenting, and caused her to reconsider the excursion."

I think "hefty" might not be the right word. Maybe you meant "heft" or "weight"?

“Look, mommy!” Lumina tugged at her mother’s mane. “It’s a cocoon like I the ones I learned about in Ms. Sun Shine’s class. I think it’s about to hatch.”

Gotta extra I in this sentence :twilightsheepish: Good chapter though it's getting really interesting.

This review is brought to you on behalf of the group: Authors Helping Authors
Name of Story: Awakening
Grammar score out of 10: 8
Pros: Very engaging story, I loved every minute of reading it. Th flow is great and the details are good enough that I visualize what was happening for the most part. I loved the characters as well. Lumina is a great character, and Animus was great as an AI, before and after he was damaged. I did feel a connection to the characters, I felt bad for Lumina with how her dad acted towards her and what she went through with the doctor.

Cons: Honestly not to many cons in my option, chapter 2 was short, and there are a few mistakes I noted on the chapters I found them in.

Notes Section: Not to many notes I can come up with, maybe a little more explanations on what some of the terms mean like "AC". Also better description of the alien ship, mentally I have it as sorta like the pyramid ship from the Alien Vs Predator movie. Over all I do really like this story and hope to read more of it when you get more chapters finished and published. Also this is my first "official" review so I hope it's helpful :twilightsheepish:

This review is brought to you on behalf of the group: Authors Helping Authors
Name of Story: Awakening
Grammar score out of 10: 8
Pros:
Some extraordinarily effective world building has been used in your story. Despite having no idea of this future, you've eased us into this pretty darn well. Of course, their are some issues and I would really like to know about why the unicorns and pegasi are at war, and why is magic suppressed, but we already know a lot about the technology and culture at the time.
Lumina is a nice OC that keeps me wanting to follow her.
Plot is progressing slowly, but this is a good thing since we are discovering a lot of stuff and thus, you're allowing us to immerse into this world and figure what happened to Equestria.
Cons: The past/present fragmented view is a bit of an issue since it kind of breaks the narrative flow. I see that the chapters are necessary, but can you do something like... IDK... have her dream about it instead of these rather sudden flashbacks?
Twilight development is sudden, unexpected and you haven't really explained why do unicorns suppress their own magic. Please elaborate in future chapters.
I know you're going for vagueness as hook, but we're chafing at the bit for more background info. If you don't provide this soon especially about why three pony races are at war and what the hell is New Canterlot, then the audience is going to go a little crazy :pinkiecrazy:
Not really a con, but it would be nice to have Lumina get a new companion or partner to explore this. By herself... it gets difficult after a while.

Other than that, an awesome story sir. I await to see what Lumina would get up to

Alright. Time is ticking, so here is what I think about the first two chapters.

It's a great story!

It didn't need many lines to show me, that you invested real energy into this craft. Your grammar is good and the plot is enjoyable proceeding, somehow premising a fatal plot without taking the peace out of order. My favorite so far is the Animus (sounds familiar...), what is programmed to help the sole ponies out there to stay sane, with little details like his acted search-process, letting him appear to be more pony.
Also the cultural changes that took place over the decades are well-conceived, really good.

The only mistake that I scouted is a minor rule of punctuation, which repeats multiple times:

She tucked the book back into its hiding place, dimmed the lights, pulled the covers over her head, and looked for sleep.

[...]Its heat and radio signatures do not correspond to any known griffon, pegasi, earth pony, or unicorn vessel.”

In a series of three or more terms and a single conjunction (or, and, etc), the last term does not receive a comma.

So far I can't see a single reason to reject this from the FiMFiction Gold Archives, and I also have to say that you got my personal interest.

I'm looking forward to read more! (geesh, time...)

Carpe noctem,
Chaodiurn

Very interesting little story here so far. I am enjoying it.

Something obviously happened in the past to stamp out magic, though I am not entirely sure how that would work with a biologically based source like it is in the show... Something more sinister at work most likely. Twilight, and possibly the other EoH being around is also interesting in the sense that they seem to be tied to a bloodline? Descendants maybe, or just the ones they feel most capable of changing things.

I await future chapters.

2255819
I'm really happy to hear you enjoyed it so much, and I'm super excited about getting into the FimFiction Gold Archives :pinkiehappy:
As for the little grammar mistakes, I'm setting aside a little bit of time over the next few days to try to hunt those down, and while I'm at it I'll make an effort to correct the item lists throughout the piece.

Well, I finished Ch 1, and already I'm very impressed and excited to read more. Now I feel like my own story is rather low quality in comparison. :rainbowhuh:

This will be worth the wait. I hope you make EQD; this story defiantly deserves it. :twilightsmile:

Here's the review from Authors Helping Authors I promised in return for your excellent review. :)

Grammar score out of 10: 8

Pros: Three? Three isn't enough! I'm willing to go so far as to say that characterization and plot are spot on. It feels like an individual who doesn't mind spending time alone. It feels like an AI with some personality thrown in. Flight of the Navigator comes to mind in that regard especially.

And when things turn bad, the sense of isolation is impeccable. Not really in a depressing way like Silent Running, just the simplicity of being entirely cut off from everything known, and losing all that she had.

The alternation between present and past works really well. Snapshots of what happened before which give extra insight into what makes the character today flow very well. Already, the sense of being isolated from everyone else is there, in a much less dramatic form of course.

Cons: A few spelling mistakes, some misused words, and the occasional broken sentence. But they are few and far between, very little interruption to the reading flow.

I'm uneasy about the psychological conditioning that came into play, but that's obviously more of a matter of personal preference. I just wouldn't expect to see something dark in that particular way here.

I can't really think of a third con, actually...

Notes Section: This is a very good fic, and obviously under-appreciated because the main characters from the show only appear as hallucinogenic voices. I really do look forward to seeing more! :moustache:

“What I like most of all are the characters,” said Lumina. “See her? That’s Rainbow Dash. The legends of Old Equestria say that she could fly so fast, that magic itself would exploded around her in a Sonic Rainboom.” Lumina aimed her hoof at a purple unicorn beside the pegasus. “And that’s Twilight Sparkle. Believe it or not, when I was growing up, I wanted to be just like her.”

- *explode

That was the only major typo I found, and for a first fiction, this is of much higher quality than most.

Okay, I'll start off with this: you introduced the "hook" of your story beautifully in this first chapter. It is a unique idea, ponies cut off from magic, and so they went for the stars. Lumina has an interesting character, and Animus provides a useful way for her to bounce back thoughts without overly-extensive internal monologues, I'm glad I've decided to check this out.

2270688
I'm glad you liked it! And thank you for pointing out that typo. After all this time, I still haven't fixed all of them.
2264782
I went and checked out Silent Running... and it was the saddest movie ever :fluttercry:

Just one little thing, a pet peeve exclusively refers to something particular that someone dislikes. It doesn't refer to social idioms like referring to someone by a surname.

You asked with assistance on how to get your story noticed, there are three users who I respect and know have talent with writing/reviewing, and they have quite the following. I'd suggest you talk to them, and ask for advice or assistance on the matter, because by god, there's only been one other author on this site I've read who's first story, also sci-fi, had me so hooked.

Those authors I'd suggest you talk to are:

Bad Horse

GhostofHeraclitus
And lastly,
DPV111

You can tell them I sent you, and if they ask why, you can tell them what I'll tell them if they ask me: you've got innate skill, and I want to see you craft it into something even greater than what you have here.

In fact, I'll start you off and send a message to that last one myself, the other two will be great advisers should you need them.

2272586
Thank you for putting in the good word for me. I'm working on contacting them so hopefully, maybe, they'll start finding their way here soon.

This...

This is the sci-fi pony story I've been waiting for. Spaceships? FTL drives? War? Mysterious planets and ships?

It makes me all nostalgic back to the days when I first played Freelancer, or Freespace, or Starlancer..

*Sigh* Most people just don't write stories like this anymore.

2253568 I knew you were going to make EQD. Congrats. Did you think my review was fair?

2291130
Yeah, I thought it was a fair review, and helpful, as well as appreciated.
Not sure who went and disliked our reviews, but it doesn't phase me any. I'm too zen to get bothered by anything like that :trollestia:
Also, thank you!

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