• Member Since 1st May, 2013
  • offline last seen 1 hour ago

Knight Breeze


Just your average gaming geek/college student. I study computer science, play pathfinder, and write stories, and have a patreon!

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Twilight Sparkle has been through quite a lot during the course of her young life. With her friends she has re-discovered an ancient magic, saved the world from Nightmare Moon, and imprisoned the embodiment of Chaos in stone.
However, she cannot help but feel in over her head when she wakes up aboard an alien space station, where strange creatures are running dangerous experiments on her and others in an effort to make living weapons.
That's just the beginning however. She soon finds herself and her people caught up in the middle of an interstellar war over one of the most basic principals of sapient life.
The right to think for yourself.
Just an idea I had, and I'm not even really sure where it's going to go. But I liked it and I thought that it would make a great story. comments would be appreciated, especially those geared towards making me a better writer.

Cover Art by Mario94 on deviantART URL: http://mario94.deviantart.com/

Preread by Doomotter

Also, mad props to my new editor Eddiehowell! He's great!

Additional characters and tags will be added as the story dictates.
MLP is owned by Hasbro and Faust.
All other characters and worlds in this story are made by me.
This story is 100% approved by Twilights Library!
Also, if you don't like my story, that's fine. Just tell me what I'm doing wrong before you click that downvote button. How can I improve unless I know what I'm doing wrong?
WOOT! FEATURED 11/24/14!! I NEVER THOUGHT IT WOULD HAPPEN!

Chapters (22)
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Comments ( 830 )

You're making a lot of common word use mistakes, such as "their" instead of "there", "it's" instead of "its", and "was" instead of "were".

Read the site's writing guide. After you have finished, if you still aren't sure you can fix it yourself, you can click the "Groups" button on the top of your page. On the resulting page, click the "Find" button (you don't need to type anything). On the list, you'll see at least two groups dedicated to helping people find editors.

2640769 Thanks for the catch. I honestly thought the usage for it's and its were the other way around. :derpytongue2: I took a read through it and made a few other modifications as well, hopefully improving its readability. :pinkiehappy:

that story sound familiar......did you based the idea on a movie or something?

2956963 Nope, original idea. came to me in a dream actually.:rainbowderp:

2956971


you sir have weird dream. I won't talk about grammar and all that stuff. i am not a grmmar nazi.

But one little advice: writte more!

This is actually pretty interesting, please continue. I suspect the goal is to return Twilight back to Equestria with the help of this Jaleth.

I only found one little problem here. It's when Jareth was thinking within her own mind. It was a little difficult to distinguish that from the telepathy of the other dridunes. So long as the point of view is clear and in first person you can probably just leave personal thoughts out of italics.

I wish I could help more, but that's about all I see wrong with it right now. Although I question some parts of dridune biology and evolution, especially the overpowered psywarriors. Speaking of which, keep world building! That's what can turn this story into an adventure.

Also if you want to bring in more views getting a cover picture might help, but something essential is to fix your description. The story relevant part is already done with by chapter two. Not much of a problem for shorter stories, but longer ones should reveal a bit more. As for the rest of it, that's really something you should put in the author's note.

Looks really good

2959461 thanks for the suggestion! I changed how the telepathic conversations look, and I hope that it improves readability.

woot! the ward broke 100 views!:pinkiecrazy:

3083831 Yes, this time around it was easier to see who was talking/thinking. Unfortunately I'm terrible with names so I can't help you there.

As for the rest of the chapter: it ain't bad, and at this point I'd say the story proper is beginning. I don't remember if it was mentioned before, but are the ponies aware of all these aliens? If not then Twilight is taking it pretty well. Regardless I'd expect her scholarly nature to be asking all sorts of questions trying to understand the situation.

And just a reminder for the future: don't make Twilight overpowered. Yes she is smart and has strong magic, but it won't be much fun if that trumps everything. Maybe you could tie it into those psychic abilities to even the odds a bit. Or show her magic clashing with technology, which would also give our new human an actual use. An Achilles Heel usually works well to keep a character's power in check.

Hmmm, yes, the potential here is delicious. If you ever find yourself stuck or wanting a pre-reader I'd be happy to help.

3084657 I would love a pre-reader. thanks for the offer.:pinkiehappy:
not really sure how pre-reading works of fim fiction. :derpyderp1: do I e-mail the chapter to you? or do I give you a password or something? a few hints would be nice.

as for the whole overpowered thing, thats actually something I hate in animes, where one character becomes so ridiculously overpowered that it leaves all the other characters wondering "well, what the heck am I supposed to do?" so I'll be doing my best to keep that in check.

As for twilight taking things well, no, ponies are not generally aware of space aliens. She would actually much rather study everything with a microscope then do what she is doing right now. But the clear and present danger is keeping her focused on the present.:twilightoops:

trust me though, "study everything" is on the list that she just made.:twilightsmile:

3084892 An easy way for writers and editors/proofreaders to work together is for the writer to put the chapter in Google Docs and send their helper a link to it in a private message.

For me this is very interesting story :pinkiehappy: waiting for more :twilightsmile:
Consider the idea of different languages for prisoners I know it may be difficult but it will be worth it
2956963
There was this old game but I can't remember title :facehoof:
You play as alien in world that everything was control and in one point you end in prison :facehoof:
It was point and click adventure :facehoof:
...
...
...
...No can't remember :twilightangry2:

Two hours of searches but I have found it :yay:
"The feeble files"
Check it out the prison part is similar to this story :trollestia:

3094904 trust me, different languages are on the list of ideas to use.

Also, I really had no idea that anything like this had been done before. Literally I fell asleep, and had the first two chapters as a dream/nightmare.:pinkiecrazy:

thanks for the fave by the way, man. hope I don't disappoint you guys with where I take this.


There is a lot of "Tell" in this chapter, your story is interesting, but search for ways to describe backstory with actions rather than long sections of explanation.

3121528 thanks for the advice. Really, I intend to do a lot more "show" in later chapters. I actually re-wrote that one chapter 5-6 times before it was even halfway decent. I still don't think I did that one right, but it's the best I've got right now.:twilightsheepish:

I'll probably come back to it later and fix it, but If I kept working on that one chapter, I would never get any further in the story.:derpyderp2:

3084921 nevermind about the prereader, A friend who's a writing major just offered to preread for me, but thanks for the offer though!:pinkiehappy:

Nice chapter :pinkiehappy:
Can't wait for more :twilightsmile:

3162730 3162396 Thank you! it took me several revisions before I thought it was just right.:pinkiehappy:

sentiant life

First, you misspelled it.
Second, Sapient would probably be a better word choice, Since it specifically means wise or intelligent, while sentient refers to the ability of perceiving things and being self aware (Such as dogs, cats, pigeons)

3167207 Thanks for the catch! don't really have time to fix it right now, I'm heading back to college tomorrow, but as soon as I can, I'll go back and fix it.:derpyderp2:

Wow, I'm pretty late to this one. Although I guess it doesn't matter much since I don't have a lot to say about this chapter. It's good enough. It works, but it almost feels like a filler chapter since it mostly just introduces characters and objectives. Good call on the language barrier though; that'll make this escape a bit more interesting.

You probably didn't intend it this way, but I (figuratively) face-palmed at Jaleth's guilt induced hero trip. There's probably dozens, or even hundreds of prisoners on board the vessel (you never really gave us an idea how large this place is), and since it's primary role is secret research (and rock smashing) it's likely they don't have any large ships standing by. Still, I'm sure that Twilight and the four bipeds will end up in one of those shuttles, but I'm actually unsure about Jaleth going with them. Probably not. I sense a heroic sacrifice in the near future, and it will involve a big explosion (my favorite kind).

(Oh, I didn't respond to it earlier, but thank you for letting me know you found your own pre-reader. I make the offer on occasion but I think they just forget about me.)

3186162 thanks for the feedback! yeah, it feels like filler, but I needed this chapter to introduce some new characters so it wont feel out of left field when I bring them in later. :pinkiecrazy:

As for Jaleth's little hero trip, lets just say its the culmination of a lot of crap that she had to go through for the last couple of years. it warrants its own flashback, but for now it's to remain a mystery.:rainbowderp:

Honestly I went through ten different versions of this chapter. this seemed to be the best way to do what I needed it to do.

Intriguing, I also love world building so have a 'stache :moustache:

I see a voyager episode in my mind, but I cant remember the title...
In all seriousness, I can't remember it. :ajbemused:

Now seeing 2 star trek episodes. one voyager, one tng. I'm getting anxious reading this. Very well done. Would never have found this if it werent for my brother, who upon seeing your facebook post concerning this story, said simply, "Austin, come take a look."

perhaps... Not a good idea, but I'll throw it out anyway. 'Ignorance is(nt) bliss'?

3094342
remembering's too hard, aint it?

3 episodes Star Trek at mind... How many before this is over, who knows?
your story makes wish I still had my pocket knife so I could sleep with it.
Still a good story though.

As promised, I read the story, and I will now offer my thoughts on it. Although I don't actually have much to say about it (and this is coming from a guy who routinely creates giant walls of text about ponies). Part of it might be that I don't generally care too much for sci-fi ponyfics, even though I like both sci-fi stories and ponyfics. And I generally don't like the dark tag too much. But none of this is very relevant, so I'll move on now.

The story so far seems good to me. Interesting, intriguing, a good amount of mystery. But it's still just beginning, so there's not much else to say about it yet.
The only thing that's really bugged me as far as plot goes so far is that Twilight was somehow able to free all the prisoners without anyone noticing. I find it odd to begin with that there's no sort of surveillance system that would pick them up, and odder still that they're not keeping an eye on the prisoners when one of them is running around doing who knows what. Maybe it's that same arrogance that let what's-his-name keep his fancy technologies.
On a related note, this story seemed to be a sci-fi story that just so happens to have a pony in it. That's not really a complaint, per se, just an observation.

I really like the characters so far, especially Jaleth. As with the story, I don't have much to say right now, but I look forward to seeing what these characters get up to.

Overall, your writing abilities seem to be pretty good. I wasn't exactly looking for them while reading, but your writing doesn't seem to be littered with distracting spelling and grammar errors at least.

And as for ideas for a better title, I think it depends on what exactly the overarching theme is. Your description says it's about the right to think, so maybe something based off of that. From the first few chapters I would have considered something like "Memories" as a name, but unless memories will continue to play an important part throughout the story I don't think it will work well. I'll let you know if I think of anything better.

My verdict: Keep an eye on this one. It's too early to pass definitive judgement, but what we have so far looks promising.

3269471
You know this feeling when you have something at the end of your mind and you can not remember what was it :facehoof:
It drives me "crazy" :twilightangry2:
BTW
Knight Breeze when we can expect next chapter:ajsmug:
I'm dying to see how this story will go :pinkiehappy:

:pinkiegasp:Wow, guys. just wow. I go to sleep one night, wake up the next to find this. um... so to answer all your comments:
3269497 Although I have watched a lot of star trek, the idea is completely original. :pinkiecrazy:I'm glad that you like it so much though! thanks for the fav!:pinkiehappy:

3269653 Thank you for the feedback!:pinkiehappy: that is the kind of thoughtful comments that I'm looking for. it shows that you read the story and your putting thought into it.
As for how twilight was able to escape notice, why the guards aren't physically watching over the prisoners, and how twilight was able to so quickly free everybody without being molested, as well as the question about the surveillance system, some will be explained in the next chapter, while others will be explained further into other chapters.:rainbowderp:

3270548 as for when you can expect the next chapter, I'm working on it now:yay:. I am currently attending college right now, so that takes precedence.:raritycry: However, I am close to completing it, so you can expect anytime between in a few hours to in a few weeks. honestly it depends on my school work.:twilightblush:

lastly, all my readers get moustaches for being awesome.:moustache:

3269653 one last thing though. yes this story has the dark tag, but no It doesn't have any gore or incredibly explicit material in it, nor will it. it has the dark tag mainly because the villains in this story are incredibly sadistic and are libel to do things that you would not see in the show.
Mainly I was using the dark tag to warn my readers beforehoof that this story has a bit more of a serious tone then what you would find in the show. I actually hate it when writers use gore. you can be expressive without having to resort to that sort of thing.

3269466 That actually is a very brilliant idea for a name! (much better then "the ward" at any rate.) I think I'll use that.

3271905
I know it doesn't have to be gory to be dark, and it's not just the gore that I don't like in dark stories. I think it has something to do with the fact that in my mind ponies=happiness. So when ponies end up in stories where things are not happy it seems a bit off to me at the least.
But as long as we get a happy ending...

3272309 yes, there will be a happy ending. I prefer it when the good guys win, and it is a stance that I do not compromise on.:pinkiecrazy:
however, that doesn't mean that crap won't happen. it's the struggle to reach that ending that makes a story worthwhile.:moustache:

3272346
Well that's good. It means all we have to worry about is who's going to be dead by the end of the story.
It's hard to say for sure right, now but I'm putting Captain Hale and Donny on the top of my "most likely to die" list for now. But that could easily change as we get more character development. Jaleth is up in the air for me. She's shown that she's willing to die and I'm sure she'd sacrifice herself in a heartbeat to save the others. But on the other hoof, the death of a character who almost wants it like her does not have nearly the same effect as the death of someone who very desperately wants to stay alive, like say, most anyone else. I could see her surviving and going through the whole "it should have been me" thing when someone else dies. So it's a close one, but I'm betting she'll die, but not until the end. She'll be the last one to die and it will be in a heroic sacrifice, probably taking out Hivanti or another big villain. And of course I'm almost certain Hivanti will be dead by the end (or neutralized, captured, and imprisoned, but close enough).

You'd just better not kill off Twilight:trixieshiftleft:

I really like your world building. Pretty standard sci-fi SPAAAAAAAACE universe, but species variety takes the cake. I'm not sure if I want cameos to stuff like Ethereals or the drell from Mass Effect, but I think what you made are more interesting for now.
Typos I found:
it's species name should be its.

This story is criminally under viewed. The writing isn't world shattering, but the premise is very original. I think The Ward was a better title, unless they're going to escape soon. The current title is bad; wordplay in a title evokes comedy and does a SciFi adventure no favors in attracting readers.

That was a decent action scene.

I do have some advice for the writing in general: don't state things so explicitly so much. All you had to do for us to understand how arrogance led to the unsecured prisoners was have Jaleth mentally note that they're more concerned with figuring out Twilight and the potential breakthroughs than actually dealing with a serious breach of security, and then give the line about arrogance thy name is etc. In other words, avoid explanations appearing as actual explanations, and instead provide readers with the observations/details, so they still understand but don't feel like someone is just giving them the answer to a question.

Now that's a good chapter :pinkiehappy:
At word of advice:applejackunsure:
Don't make Twilight to OP :ajsmug:
I would still enjoy the story but it will be much better if she will tired her self like everybody else :rainbowdetermined2:

Oh wow, it happened again. I post a new chapter and suddenly...

3294890 SPAAAACCE!!!!
But seriously, no I won't be having cameo races in this. A few are influenced by races from other sources (Dridune = Illithids is the most obvious one), any and all races (with the exception of humans and equestrians) are completely my own design. This is not a crossover, but an actual scifi world I am attempting to create.:pinkiecrazy:
And thank you for the catch, I must have missed that when I was proofreading.

3272623 I won't say who lives and who dies, because honestly that would be too big of a spoiler.
But I am not the writer for the Game of Thrones. I am not in the habit of creating a lot of enjoyable characters, then killing them all off.

3295218 Honestly, I think this title is better, but I do not think it fits perfectly with what I want this story to be. I am still completely open to suggestions for a different title.

3295306 I was actually unsure if I should have her say that, and I still am not sure. It really wasn't a part that I felt I had gotten correct. I'll probably go back and fix it later, but for now I need to press forward, or I'll never get anywhere in the story.
And thank you for the complement! I was actually unsure of what perspective I should take for the fight, but I think the enemy perspective really pulled it together, and also touched on developing the Dridune as a race.

3296103 Don't worry about that. She is actually reaching her limit, as you will see in the next chapter. Lets just say that three teleport spells, twelve memory spells, five transmutation spells, and twelve modified "come to life" spells have seriously drained her reserves. :twilightblush: That shield spell? she was about to pass out when Hale told her to drop it.

3296297
I'm not expecting you to tell me who's going to die, I just like hypothesizing in the comments.
So Balvalt. As far as I can tell, you never mentioned him before this chapter, where he shows up, tries to do his job, shows that he's not a heartless monster, and dies. I'm certainly not attached to him (if anything I got a bit confused trying to remember if we've seen this guy before. After all, named characters rarely die so unceremoniously), but that was still quite the move you took. Are you trying to show us that even though the Dridune as a whole might be evil, the individuals aren't always all bad? Are you trying to make us hope that Jaleth won't blow the whole station up because of that? You may not be a writer for The Game of Thrones (which I've never actually seen), but it seems that you may know a thing or two about killing characters.

I really didn't mind that Twilight didn't do much in this. Probably because it let the part of my mind that likes sci-fi enjoy it without the part that likes ponies getting in the way.

So did this get preread and updated between when you wrote that author's note and when I read it? Because for an un-preread chapter, this is surprisingly good. By which I mean there weren't any distractingly large errors. So congratulations, I guess :pinkiesmile:

3297893 To answer your last question first, no this didn't get preread first. I had stated earlier that I was going to post a new chapter on wednesday, and unfortunately my prereader just couldn't make that deadline. (He's a great guy, just had a lot of college work to take care of.) I honestly cannot and will not blame him for that, seeing as how I was in a similar predicament a week ago.

As for the Dridune, I'm trying to flesh them out more, and make them seem more human, as well as introduce some more characters on the enemy side. That being said, the actual lore behind the Dridune hopefully will blow minds. Hopefully.

3298050
Well you hinted at some sort of ancient connection with ponies. Unless the Chimeras are a completely different race that has nothing to do with the Dridune or something. But still.
But if I had to take a guess (and I do, because I'm me, and that's what I do), I'd say that they are somehow related to the changelings, probably sharing a common ancestor millennia ago or something. My logic is thus:
1)The Dridune have all this telepathic stuff. Changelings are often depicted as having a hive mind of some sort, and Chrysalis at least was able to do some mind control.
2)The Dridune are somehow able to steal genes from other races and add them to themselves. The changelings can actually transform into other races.
3)Changelings, as far as we can tell, are either drones or the queen. The Dridune mooks don't seem to quite be at drone level, but they are clearly much less important and more expendable than the psywarriors and the emperor.
4)The Dridune see their emperor as a god. We don't know how exactly the changelings see their queen, but the ponies' princesses are practically goddesses and Chrysalis was able to take Celestia in a fight...
5)Changelings put their prey in cocoons and assimilate them into the swarm. The Dridune keep their captives in labor camps as mindless slaves until they kill them as they attempt to assimilate their genes.
6)They both seem to be pretty evil.

Sure, it could turn out that they're related to ponies or Celestia is actually a Dridune who took on a bunch of pony genes or something, but for the time being I'm sticking with the changeling theory.

You know, I'll be honest, I wasn't expecting much from this fic going into it. Lo and behold, the more I read the more hooked I've become. I find your world building quite interesting. Very interesting seeing a multitude of races. I'm also liking how you've made the Dridune more than just a bunch of soulless psychopaths. Anyways, can't wait to see more. :twilightsmile:

(would've typed this the moment I finished reading but, I hate doing so on my iphone lol)

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