Chapter XIV
As soon as Twilight's young assistant Spike had woken that fateful morning, he had found that his best friend and surrogate mother had disappeared. At first he thought nothing of it, seeing as how she often would wake up before him to get breakfast ready, or else study some new book that Celestia had sent. However, after searching the whole library without even finding a note, he started to suspect that something was wrong. Especially after Pinkie Pie had burst in screaming that she couldn't find Twilight anywhere.
That event alone had warranted a letter to Princess Celestia in Spike's eyes. Pinkie had, literally, a sixth sense about finding other ponies. If she was having trouble finding Twilight, then there was a very good chance that something had gone terribly wrong.
At first, Celestia had thought that Spike was overreacting. Surely Twilight had simply forgotten to leave a note stating where she had gone, so there was no reason to panic. The letter she sent back had been comforting, letting Spike know that Twilight had probably just gone out for a walk. Celestia had also told Spike that if Twilight hadn't returned by nightfall, that he should send her another letter.
That had been six months ago, and yet there was still no sign of Twilight Sparkle. As soon as it became clear that Twilight had disappeared, Celestia's fears began to run away with her. At first she had feared that somepony was planning an attack on the Elements of Harmony, so she had moved the remaining bearers to Canterlot for safety and had increased the security throughout the nation. Soldiers could be seen patrolling the skies and streets of Equestria, while Celestia had discreetly sent messages to all her allies, and spies to all her enemies, hoping that somepony knew anything about the whereabouts of her prized student. Not only that, but ever since Twilight's disappearance, Princess Luna had busied herself by sweeping through the entirety of the portion of the Astral Plane that surrounded Equis.
Eventually, after it became clear that nopony was attempting to steal away the elements, Celestia had grudgingly allowed the five mares to return to their homes, albeit with a guard detail discreetly tailing each one.
Even now, while Celestia handled Day Court, Luna was still busy sweeping the Astral Plane for any echo of Twilight. Celestia sighed when the griffon diplomat finished his long winded speech. It was one that Celestia was having a hard time following, due mainly to all the flowery words and fore-so-muches. “Chancellor, please just tell me simply what it is that your nation wants, I have other matters to attend to.”
“Simply?” the chancellor asked, looking a bit offended at Celestia's bluntness. “Simply put, we think that the alert status of Equestria is uncalled for. One missing pony is hardly something to fret over, and you're making my nation uneasy,” he said, clearly disappointed.
Normally Celestia would have treated the Chancellor with more respect, but after spending so many sleepless nights scanning the Astral Plane with Luna, she was frankly out of patience. She opened her mouth to tell the griffon diplomat just that when the booming voice of Sergent Clear Eyes rang out across the throne room. “Announcing her Royal Highness, the Oracle of Time and High Shaman of the Zebrican Tribes, Lady Alala!”
Celestia immediately rose from her throne in respect as the Zebrican Oracle and her aid slowly made their way to the throne. “I'm sorry Gustaf, I'm afraid I will have to cut our conversation short,” Celestia said.
The Chancellor only nodded at that, unable to tear his eyes away from the blind Seer. He gulped ever so slightly in terror as the unimposing zebra, with the help of her aid, slowly came to a stop in front of the throne. Respectfully, he moved out of the way to allow Alala unimpeded access to the Princess of the Sun.
“Lady Alala, It is my great honor to welcome you to Canterlot,” Celestia said as she took her seat again.
The Zebra looked up at the Princess of the Sun, her face unreadable and her milky eyes unfathomable. “The Sun and the Moon would do well to heed, for all of Equis is in dire need. Trouble comes, destruction assured, unless my warning is heard,” she said, her clear voice ringing with apprehension.
Celestia tilted her head slightly to the side, a twinge of fear running through her heart. Rarely did the Oracle ever leave her home, and even rarer did she ever talk with anypony other than her fellow zebra. However, each time she had, her warnings had been dire, and extremely accurate.
Only a fool would ignore a warning from the Oracle.
“I'm listening,” Celestia said carefully.
The Oracle stood a little straighter at that, her robe jingling as she did so. “A stranger approaches on wings of fire, bringing with him war's dark ire. Terror follows, ponies flee, the whole world in calamity. I see Equis, awash in flame, dead and gone, with us the same. Slaves of slaves our people become, with all our great work undone.”
While this pronouncement of doom filled Celestia's heart with dread, she knew that there had to be a way out. Lady Alala never revealed what the future held unless it could be changed. “What must we do to defeat this stranger?” Celestia asked.
“The stranger? You need not fear, though very strange he may appear. At his heels, though, terror true, an ancient evil comes for you. It comes for all, young and old, ending freedom, enslaving souls. The stranger comes to fight this foe, though how he does not know. Our help he needs to stop this blight, with his kind we must unite.”
Then, without another word, The Oracle turned and started to leave the throne room.
Chancellor Gustaf turned towards Celestia at that point, his expression perplexed. “Not even a goodbye? Or a by-your-leave?”
“We are lucky she decided to say anything at all. The Oracle only says what is needed, and no more. Often times she doesn't even say that much, preferring to let history take its own course without her meddling,” Celestia said as she arose. “I'm afraid that I must end Day Court for today, I must consult with my sister about this new development.”
The griffon nodded at that, his piercing blue eyes fixed upon the retreating back of Lady Alala. “I must take my leave as well. The emperor must be appraised of the recent developments, and it seems that we have a war to plan for.”
* * *
Celestia watched patiently as her sister left her trance, shaking her head slightly at the strain that she had endured in the Dreamscape. “Any luck Lulu?” Celestia asked as her sister slowly rose from her bed.
“I'm afraid not, dear sister. If she were dead, she would have left an echo on the Astral Plane. As it now stands, it feels as if she had just vanished! I cannot find even a trace of your student. I am sorry,” Luna said as she poured herself a cup of tea, exhaustion written clearly upon her face.
Celestia sidled alongside her sister, enfolding the Princess of the Night with one alabaster wing. “It's fine, Lulu, I know you've done your best. Far more than anypony could hope to match,” Celestia said as she hugged her sister closer. “You know what they say, no news is good news," she said weakly.
“Tia, you may put on a brave face for your people, but you need no such farce when you speak with me,” Luna softly rebuked her sister.
Celestia sighed at that, her mask falling as she did so. “I don't know what to do, Lulu. I feel that she is in danger, yet I don't know where to even look. By your own admission, she isn't even on Equis anymore...” Celestia said as sorrow seemed to fill her entire being. “Not only that, but I actually do have some news, and it troubles me greatly.”
Luna looked at her, her face falling a bit. “What has happened?” she asked urgently.
“The Lady Alala came to Day Court.”
Luna reeled at that, her eyes wide in amazement. “The Seer? She only leaves her mountain for the most dire of reasons! What did she say?”
Before Celestia could respond to her, however, she was interrupted by a deep rumbling from outside. “What in the name of-” Celestia started to say, but was interrupted as the doors of Luna's private chambers burst open, revealing Lieutenant Iron Heart.
“Princess Celestia! Princess Luna! The sky is on fire!” he said, clearly out of breath.
Both of the Princesses quickly bolted to the balcony, gazing in awe and fear as a fireball slowly made its way towards Canterlot. It was huge, nearly the size of the city itself, and it seemed to be dead set on crashing into Canterlot castle. Below her, Celestia could hear the screams of her citizens as they panicked through the streets.
“Lieutenant Iron Heart, get together your best troops and quickly evacuate the city. Have Sergent Wild Wind gather our battlemages. I feel that we will need their help in averting this mete-”
“Sister, look! It slows!” Luna said, pointing with one hoof at the sky.
Celestia quickly turned, her eyes scanning the strange fireball. Sure enough, the fireball was slowing down. Celestia quickly noted that, along with the slowed speed, the fire seemed to lessen as well, until both the fire and the object stopped entirely.
What was revealed defied all reason. The object was large, probably as big as Canterlot Castle itself. It seemed to be a distinct oval shape, with three glowing disks positioned in a triangular pattern along its bottom. Its top was a complete mystery from this angle, though Celestia had no doubt that it was any less imposing. The object seemed to be painted a uniform black color, with what appeared to be silver lettering of some kind painted on the side. The object stopped just above Canterlot, its ominous form lurking in the evening sky.
“What is it?” Luna gasped.
“I do not know Luna, but I do not think it bodes well for us,” Celestia answered as a smaller black object detached itself from the larger object and swiftly made its way towards Canterlot's main airship dock.
* * *
“Increase elevation by thirty-five degrees.”
“I really don't know about this...”
“Just do it!”
Fine, fine, whatever you say.”
“Now, a little more to the left...”
“...You know, this really doesn't seem very safe, I really think we should be evacuating with the others...”
“FIRE NOW!”
* * *
“Do you really think this is a good idea Admiral? My people are usually very skittish, even at the best of times...” Twilight said nervously as she fiddled with the straps holding her in place.
“I'm sure. If my intelligence is correct, we don't really have that much time before the Dridune Armada get here. The gravitational forces around here make teleportation dangerous, so atmospheric entry was really our best course of action. As far as first contact situations go, it isn't ideal, no. But neither is the situation,” he responded as he waved one of his paws at the fretting unicorn.
“I'm just glad that we were able to get this many ships together in such a short notice. I really need to send the Pride King a gift for this one,” Captain Hale said from the pilot's seat. “Not to mention those planetary defense guns he gave us. Those will come in handy, especially if they just decided to nuke your planet from orbit.”
“Would they really do that?” Twilight asked in horror.
“You tell us. You've been inside their heads, you know them better than any of us. We don't know what they would do to an incorruptible planet because there has never been one before,” Captain Hale said as he deftly maneuvered the shuttle closer to the platform.
Just as he said that however, the proximity alarms at Hale's fingertips started to go off. What in the blue blazes? He wondered, just as something fast and pink streaked at high velocity directly for the small craft. With an explosion of confetti and streamers, the pink object hit the windshield of the small craft.
Everyone in the shuttle jumped as the strange creature thumped against the craft. The creature was pressed up against the windshield, her forelegs and hind legs spread out, while in her front hooves she held a sign that said something in Twilight's native tongue. She was far pinker than anything on hooves had a right to be, her mane and tail being a darker hue of pink, while her wide, manic eyes were a deep, piercing blue. Her mouth was contorted into a huge, toothy grin, which quickly opened as she screamed something that the people in the cabin could just barely make out.
“Hi Twilight!”
“Gah! Pinkie Pie!” Twilight yelled at the ridiculous mare.
“What in the blazes is that?” Zelgius asked, clearly shaken by the appearance of the pink pony.
“Thats one of my best friends, though why she's on the window is something only she knows.” Twilight said as she tried to get her heart back down to a more regular pace.
“What does the sign say?” Hale asked curiously as the mare started to wave.
“It says 'Welcome to Equis!'” Twilight answered him.
“Well, we can't let her just stay out there, she might fall off, and it is a long way down to the ground,” Hale said nervously.
Before anyone could say anything else, however, the proximity alarms went off again as a blue streak cut through the sky and nabbed Pinkie Pie off the windshield.
“What the heck was that?” Hale asked as the blue streak landed on the distant platform.
* * *
“Pinkie, how could you even think of doing something that stupid!” Rainbow Dash berated the hopping pink pony. “Those are aliens! They could have vaporized you without a second thought!”
“Aw, don't be mad Dashie! These are friendly aliens!” she said, not pausing for a second as she continued to bounce.
“How can you be so sure about that? What if they're some sort of horrible, bug-like abomination, who are just waiting to lay their eggs inside our cocooned bodies!” Rainbow said with a shiver as she waved her hooves at the pink mare below her.
“I think somepony has been reading Spike's comic book collection!” Pinkie said in a singsong tone of voice.
Before Rainbow could answer her though, she was interrupted as the platform was suddenly swarmed with gold plated Solar Guards and dark plated Night Sentinels. “Miss Dash, Miss Pie, I'm going to have to insist that both of you leave the area. It's not safe.” one of the guardsponies said as the others took up a perimeter around the slowly descending craft.
“I can't leave now! What if something happens! I need to be here to make sure that these aliens don't try anything stupid!” Rainbow said aggressively.
“Yeah! And I need to be here to throw all of our new friends a superrific 'Welcome to Equis!' party!” Pinkie said as she continued to bounce, uncaring about the way that everypony nearby was giving her an odd look.
“I'm afraid I'm going to have to agree with the sergeant, my little ponies,” a regal voice said from behind the two mares.
Pinkie and Rainbow quickly turned around to see both Princess Celestia and Princess Luna alight onto the crowded tarmac.
However, before either Rainbow Dash or Pinkie Pie could begin to protest, or even begin to bow, a shout from one of the unicorns closest to the strange craft drew everypony's attention.
“It's opening!” he shouted in a panicked voice.
Everypony had frozen in place as they watched the strange, sleek black craft open. The door seemed to make a hissing sound as it opened, its black maw looking more foreboding with every passing second. The silence around the tarmac was palpable as the unicorn guards all pointed their horns at the craft, while the pegasi in the air readied their thunderheads that they had retrieved from the pegasi armory.
“Hold your fire!” Luna said to the assembled guards.
Reluctantly, the guards complied to the Night Princess's command. The tension was thick in the air as everypony anxiously waited to see what horrors from beyond the void would crawl out of the strange craft.
It was almost anticlimactic when all that trotted out was a young, purple unicorn mare, her smile slightly sheepish as she looked around at all the guards.
“Twilight!” everypony gasped in amazement. However, before anypony could make a move, something pink and fast weaved her way through the guards, zoomed up to the purple pony, and promptly wrapped her front hooves around the startled young mare.
While Twilight tried in vain to pry the exuberant Pinkie Pie off of her, the other ponies who were there started to take a step forward, only to retreat a little when something else stepped out of the landing craft.
* * *
Admiral Zelgius slowly left the shuttle, acutely aware of the stares and the horns directed his way. He made sure to make no sudden moves as he approached the assembled Equestrian forces and what appeared to be the Princesses, if Twilight's description of them were anything to go by.
He knew that any one of these creatures could end his life in any number of nasty ways, and frankly he was completely terrified of them. However, he had a mission to complete, and whether they killed him or not, he was still going to try.
There were just too many lives at stake, theirs included.
So, with all of this in mind, he did the one thing he could think of to alleviate the situation.
He bowed.
I think the alliance is overestimating the capabilities of ponies a bit. Twilights probably at the tippy top of the power scale for magic.
Then again, trained fighters there probably are pretty badass, and the Alicorns are obviously crazy strong. The real question is how good the rest are at resisting psychic control; Twilight's probably one of the strongest minds alive, and she didn't win that fight with brute force.
This sounds like a crossover. Is it a crossover?
4633880
True enough. I hope you are right. Otherwise it would be too easy to win.
Most of the abilities the ponies have innately are really more physical abilities. Earth ponies and Pegasus, even if they have passive magics, have them for purely physical effects. Strength, Mass reduction, Weather manipulation, etc. Unicorns all innately have Telekinesis. There is also conjuration and transformation, teleportation, frikkin lazer beams, and shields. Probably a few others I've missed, but that is most of the abilities shown. All of those are really physical effects, or somewhat astral, but none effect minds.
Only Discord, Cadence, Chrysalis, Luna, Twilight and maybe Celestia show any mental powers. Discord messes with personalities, Cadence with her love magic, (how invasive that is is debatable and depends on your local fanfiction universe) Chrysalis has full mind-control, and other changelings probably do as well. Luna can Dreamwalk, which makes her the most powerful in all likelyhood. Twilight, well, Smarty Pants. And Celestia dispelled that whole mess. Admittedly, I haven't even finished season three, and I think we just finished season four, so I have no idea what other events occured.
Celestia is probably not able to leave the system, due to regulating the system. ("Would you step out the door of a car you were driving?" Young Wizards) Based on Nightmare moon, Luna could potentially leave, being that Celestia handled both Celestial bodies herself for a thousand years.
It may be that they can set the celestial bodies into orbits, but it is also possible that they are unstable and constantly need adjustment. Regardless, active control does imply Luna will be able to run ships over with the moon, and Celestia can probably do something similar via solar flares.
Discord, well, He might not even get involved. I imagine he will, on the whole "If all the ponies get enslaved and lose their free will, the world will be even more boring than when Celestia ruled it."
The big question is how feasible it is to make a arcanotechlogical mind-shield. That being the most important thing to develop or mass produce. This will give them advantages, although most the the magical abilities are reproducible via technology. forcefields, frikkin laser beams (probably), teleportation (albiet not so miniaturized) and possibly telekinesis (tractor beams might be present, pretty common in scifi, and functionally identical) It is the mental powers that matter, and only a handful are likely able to handle it.
~~
The Dridune seem to be based on the Thrint (slavers) from Known Space. When I recently (after starting this fanfiction a few weeks ago) read some of those old stories, I noticed the similarity. Admittedly, there are at least three cases I can think of where anthro-squids have psionic powers. D&D universes tend to have them. Cthulu mythos debatably have them a lot, and Known space has them.
Did they bring the whole damn ship in or just a shuttle? If that was just a shuttle, why are they so big?
Also...
Than. Okay, now this is getting annoying. I have a feeling you're either ignoring my corrections or you simply don't care.
4633947
A bunch hinges on how psychic powers relate to magic. It's possible the force a Pegasi uses to fly or control weather can be applied to internal mental defense, or it's possible only Unicorn magic can fight them. There's also the question of what ponies could do with those psychic crystals... are they related to how stuff like the Crystal Heart work, or completely alien? Are they compatible at all with Equestrians?
4633947 The issue of whether Celestia can or cannot leave is moot because she won't have to, at least at first. It was said in the chapter than the Dridune are already on their way towards Equis. You also seem to forget that Celestia and Luna are not the only ones who can control the sun and moon. Discord can do it ("Return of Harmony"), and so can the combined magical power of all the unicorns in Equestria ("Hearth's Warming Eve").
4634140 Nah, it really was an accident. sorry man.
4634218 Hmm, True.
Admittedly, that was a long time ago, 1000+ years, so Unicorns might no longer be as able to cast that spell together, at least not easily. Discord certainly will.
Celestia won't need to leave, admittedly, or at least not yet.
4633880
While its true that very few ponies are on Twilight's level the Alliance have seen from the Dridune psywarriors that a small number of very talented individuals can dramatically turn the tide of a battle or war. Now its still a slim chance, they are under no illusions that even with the ponies that they'll suddenly easily roll over the Dridune, but its really the only chance they have to actually push the Dridune back rather than slowly be crushed and enslaved. So they will take that desperate gamble.
4633880
While it's true that there are likely very few individuals that can tangle directly with a Psy-Warrior, there is something else that the ponies can offer without the need for Twilight-esque intellect and magical ability - the ability to un-mindfuck individuals which have fallen under Psy-Warrior control. These effects are permanent under normal circumstances, and there are whole worlds out there that have been mind controlled in to submission.
Having allies that can undo this passive mental derailment ... well, that alone wold be a godsend as it means the worlds, soldiers and civilians that have been mindraped in to submission are no longer unrecoverable and that going to battle with Psy-Warriors around is no longer an active suicide mission, as even if you fall you know there are allies who can and will bring you back. This would do wonders for morale. And doesn't require the ones performing the tasks to contend directly with Psy-Warriors, which can be left to those better suited for it (Celestia/Luna/Twilight/Cadence/other beings on that level).
So, while I imagine the ponies can't line up a few hundred individuals to match all the enemy psy-warriors tit for tat, that doesn't really take away from what they can offer - a way to free the enslaved Alliance soldiers and citizens. The fact that they have a few individuals who can tangle with Psy-Warriors in real-time is only icing on the cake, as there are only so many the Dridune can send against them - there are only so many of them around (a couple hundred) in the whole empire, and creating/training one is a huge and monumental effort and investment.
And they actually stand a decent chance at losing Psy Warriors on Equis (which is probably a previously unheard of and nigh unimaginable thing for the Dridune) - Twilight might have simply sent her opponent on a loop for a while, but I imagine someone like, say, Luna would aim for something nastier and more permanent. It was even said that under normal circumstances trying to mind-dive someone is fatal as the horrors of a mind not your own tear you apart, and that Psi-Warriors undergo immensely hard and grueling training (and only few make it) to overcome these effects ... against normal people. Now imagine trying to mind-dive a multi-millenia old being who specializes in the workings of subconscious mind and has flirted with the dark side - I imagine the results might be ... interesting.
Militarily the ponies aren't going to be offering much of anything, but the simple fact that the "normal" unicorns (either those who can be trained to learn Twilight's memory restoration spell, and those who already know it - scholars and doctors, most likely) can be used to undo Psy Warrior effects on the populace and that select individuals can tie up Psy-Warriors - which means that, for the first time, the Dridune might be in for a real "fight", instead of just turning the enemies against each other (Would take one of the powerhouses on the scene, but as we saw, Twilight enabled her allies to fight off the psy-Warrior's influence), which is a leap forward - after all, it's not so much the physical confrontation the Alliance has been losing, but the mythical one enabled by a handful of individuals on Dridune side.
What the ponies offer, even if on a limited scale, is the ability to fight fire with fire - for the first time during the war's history. The ability to stand and fight, truly fight, for the first time as far as anyone can remember. It might not be the thing to instantly blast back the clouds of darkness and let sun eternal shine down on their situation, but it's a ray of light amidst the stormclouds where there was none before.
-------
On this chapter as a whole, I liked the oracle bit. "Slaves of slaves" - Interestingly enough, the Dridune themselves are referred to as slaves ... I imagine that, much like Psy-warrior victims, the Dridune think themselves just as willingly following their Emperor's decree. Seems like Discord's, err, "Freedom's" old buddy Tyranny has been busy. Though I guess it makes sense - for a being who desired perfect order and obedience, it stands to reason that even his apparently favored race would be nothing more than a tool he uses just as the Dridune use other races as their loyal servants. Hmm, I wonder what the results would be if Twilight tried her mental cleansing spell on a Dridune - feels like something that could lead to a number of revelations ... (or I could be completely out in the left field here).
Pinkie Pie splattered against the shuttle was priceless - and felt exactly like something Pinkie would do
I do feel like you overdid it with the size of the ship though - as big as Canterlot? How many kilometers is that? Because a vessel of something like 20km length is already going to have a crew in the ten of thousands, realistically closer to several hundred thousands of members to keep something like that staffed and operational. I can't imagine the Alliance managing to field very many of such ships - training and maintaining crews of such level just for your capital ships in any significant quantity would be a nightmare
4634415
Don't worry, at least it's just that. Spelling, grammar, structuring and pace are top notch, so it's hard to stay mad at a well-written story.
Well, this was awesome. Thank you all for your insightful comments! Sadly, anything with a speculative nature to it I refuse to answer because spoilers. However, I will still try to answer as many as possible.
Also, as for the next update, I think I'm going to go through at fix all the errors of my story first, then get on to the next chapter
4620497 4619702 This is right after the crystal empire, but before the reformation of Discord. Alicorn Twilight hasn't happened yet, and Discord is still a lawn ornament. However, assume that everything else in that season (up to Discord's release) has happened.
4634140 Um, no. just the shuttle landed. The ship is still in orbit, and it is only the size of canterlot castle, not all of canterlot. The fireball only looked as big as all of canterlot.
4626172 I actually have played a star ocean game, but I wasn't too impressed. It was one of their later titles though, so it may have been one of their worse ones. I really don't know enough about the series. Thanks for the punctuation and grammar catches though!
4620100 Glad you like it so much!
4633929 No, this isn't a crossover. Everything here (except the ponies) is my own creation and design, however, the Dridune borrow heavily from D&D's Ilithid race.
4633947 Nice bit of insight! Yeah, the war isn't going to be clear cut, and yes the Alliance are both overestimating and underestimating the capabilities of the ponies. just sit back and enjoy the show. Also, the Dridune are heavily influenced by the Ilithids (mindflayers) of D&D. nice eye at spotting that! But no, I've never read Known Space. sorry.
4635221 Nice insightful comment! But I'm afraid I can't reveal too much. However, as for the size of the ship, go back and reread that part. The fireball was as big as canterlot, however the ship itself was only the size of canterlot castle itself. This means that it is a much smaller ship then you thought, with a crew complement of about 400-500 individuals, and about 30-35 fighters. The ship only appeared larger as it was entering the atmosphere because of the fiery corona that occurred as the atmosphere became superheated against the ship's shields. Trust me, I got the size thing worked out in my head.
4636676
Was it "Till the End of Time" that you played? I heard that one got a lot of flak. I've played the original SNES game and haven't gotten too far in Second Story or TtEoT (PS2 emulation) and am on the third disc of The Last Hope.
Overall, I like the series, but the original would probably be my favorite. Time travel and all that.
4636694 That is exactly the one. The story was disjointed, made no sense, and the writing and acting were terrible.
4636698
Well, take into consideration that console cutscenes were still being fleshed out back then. It was still easier to do that stuff on PC because of looser restrictions and better hardware. Look at the original Command & Conquer for instance, it was one of a handful of PC games with live-action cutscenes in between gameplay. They may not have been the best in terms of direction, writing and acting, but they're still memorable.
I still want to play TtEoT despite the reviews.
4636737 Yeah, I know I gotta take it with a grain of salt, but honestly I was unable to finish it. I had only borrowed it from a friend. Oh well...
4636756
Someday you'll be able to.
I feel the urge to make a Starcraft reference somewhere... Yet for the life of me I am at a loss as to making any particulars. Eh, trust the oldie but goodies then!
Twilight: "CONSTRUCT ADDITIONAL PYLONS!"
Applejack: "Job's finished!"
That was abso-freaking-lutely perfect.
And now for some intergalactic politics! Yay, I
thinkhope.Write on,
Legion
4640477Thank you so much though for giving my story a shot! and thank you for the advice and proofreading! I really appreciate it! But to answer your comments/concerns:
She has an implant. Despite the fact that she's just a scribe for a diplomat, all diplomatic staff are implanted with a translator device. Sorry for not implicitly saying that.
as for pinkie, its pinkie. she might have, she might not have. you never know with her.
Also, Twilight didn't know that she was affected by the mind wammy. she just thought that it would be a good idea to take a prisoner with them, maybe get some information. You weren't able to see that because it was from Jaleth's perspective, and she doesn't know Twilight's language.
As for the Navel thing, sorry bout that. I told a few other people this, but I'll tell you this as well. I know that I have a lot of errors in this story, and I'm going to go through and fix as many as I can before I continue with the next chapter.
Ok, after reading the story over the last two days, I have to say I liked it. The world you've built is rich and interesting (tech to transform undercover agents into another species is some high level stuff). Apart from a few things here and there (then/than, your/you're and a bit tell where show would've been nicer) your writing is pretty good. So, you've got me hooked and I can't wait for the next chapter.
And you haven't fallen into my pet peeve plural pitfall yet, so congrats on that
Before you ask: one millennium, multiple millennia, one pegasus, multiple pegasi, one pegasus guard, multiple pegasus guards
4651235 Thanks! I'm glad you like it that much!
But to answer your concern, I'm not going to release another chapter until I'm finished going through and fixing all the errors. keep an eye out though!
On behalf of Authors Helping Authors, I'm here with your review! Sorry it took so long to get around to it; I've been a bit more preoccupied lately than I originally thought... Anyway, here's what I've got to say!
I've read a lot of scifi (not just that of the fanfic variety), but I have to admit that the galaxy you've envisioned is one of the more detailed and fleshed out that I've seen. We've only really seen the military and scientific side of it so far, but it has this 'complete' feeling about it that hints at a much more detailed and contemplated setting.
You've said in one of your Author's Notes that you were worried about the characters, including the non-canon ones (if I remember correctly), being in character. Throughout the fic, I felt that they were all true to themselves and that your envisioning of TS was very much spot on with her in-show self. That said, at times I felt that a few of the supporting characters suffered from a bit of one-dimensionality, especially the villains. The psywarrior--forgive me if I can't remember how to spell his name--didn't seem like he had much motive other than a sense of superiority and that he was order to basically go some place and be a menace to intergalactic society. I'd like to see more of that careful thought you applied for the world-building applied to more of the original characters and their villains.
You have a rich cast of characters, don't worry, but I'd like to challenge you to get more out of them than you already have.
There were a few typos here and there, some grammatical slip-ups, and the occasional missing punctuation, but nothing recurring that really stood out to me that irked me enough to remember. Stylistically, you're very clean, and I feel that that's certainly a plus when it comes to genre writing. I've spent a lot of time and energy trying to cultivate an approach to narrative that's not too dissimilar from what I feel your own is, so if you ever decide that you've like to refine your style, send me a PM or leave me a comment somewhere and I'll send you along some material and exercises that I feel help me a lot.
Pacing wise, the events of this story move at a mile a minute, but there's always enough down time, I felt, to maintain a balance between the action and the story. This, I feel, gives the narrative a strong forward momentum and it pulled me along through the events of the fic without tiring me out. You've written something that's very hard to put down, and that's a good thing.
That pretty much sums up my thoughts for the moment (I don't want to start going into the plot as the story isn't done yet and things may twist and turn in ways I can't imagine), but I'm looking forward to reading more and I'm looking forward to reading your review of Planet Hell: The Redemption of Harmony once you get a chance to review it.
You know, if you mindslaved a hundred people a second, every second, even while pooping or sleeping, for an entire year, you would not be halfway done with the population of Earth. I'm not sure how consistent the numbers are in this story. We also have a Dridune speaking out loud in chapter 9 despite chapter 3 saying Dridunes have no spoken language and no way to speak other species' languages.
4660653 thanks for taking the time to read my story! However, on to your concerns...
the only dridune in chapter 9 that talked was Jaleth, and Jaleth isn't quite a dridune. Jaleth is a Peli that was genetically mutated into something that looks like a dridune, yet still retains many of the peli's natural abilities, like speech.
as for the numbers involved in mind controlling an entire planet, that hasn't been revealed yet how they are able to do that. don't worry though, zelgius is going to be explaining some things to Celestia and crew.
WOOT! 2000 views!
I like how Admiral Zelgius seemed to think that Twilight is an example of the average unicorn's abilities.
(sigh) and today we know there is no Griffin empire....
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She says she's "just a student", so why would he think otherwise?
I’m not sure why but I had The supreme commander theme in my head
What a fucking mess
Someone played doom recently