Chapter XX
Princess Mi Amore Cadenza woke up with a start, glancing around for the source of her alarm. After a few minutes of looking, while simultaneously listening to her husband's snoring, her heart finally seemed to settle down to a more reasonable rate. However, as she snuggled back into bed, she was forced to get up again as her bladder demanded her attention.
Grumbling slightly over the finicky nature of bodily functions, she finally rose from the comforts of her soft, warm bed and made her way to the bathroom. As she rose, Shining Armor mumbled incoherently in his sleep, then flipped over, bringing a smile to the pink princess's lips.
As cute as she found him, though, she could not deny the siren call of the restroom.
Once she was finished with her business, she stumbled out of the bathroom again, flipping off the glowcrystal lighting as she went. However, as the lights went out in the bathroom, something caught her eye, which made her flip the bathroom lights back on again.
There, sitting on her desk, was a rather important looking scroll emblazoned with Celestia's personal seal. Her heart started hammering as she quickly scooped up the letter, both hoping and dreading what it contained.
It had been six months since Twilight's disappearance, and there had still been no word as to what happened. Shining Armor had been a wreck, having not only led the charge in the search and rescue attempt, but was also one of the few remaining guards that still held out hope that she was alive somewhere.
Cadence still held out hope as well, but she also knew the statistics. The longer someone was missing, the more likely it was that they would be found dead. It was why she had started dreading each and every piece of correspondence from the Solar Diarch. She dreaded the day when she would receive a tear-stained letter, informing her in shaking horn-writing that her sister-in-law's body had been found somewhere.
That being said, Cadence still held out hope that Twilight had simply ran off and eloped somewhere, and that her absence was simply the result of her being on her honeymoon. It was a thin hope, but it was one that she desperately held on to.
The alternative was to lose hope. That was something that she could not do.
Therefore, it was with both excitement and fear that she broke the seal on the scroll. Then, with some apprehension, she unrolled the long paper in front of her.
* * *
Shining Armor planted his hoof on the shadowy figure's face, his horn glowing as he looked down at the scum underneath his shoe. “Where is she?!” he shouted at the figure, his face an inch away from the perpetrator's.
“You'll never see her! She's gone forever!” the monster cackled madly.
“You tell me where my sister is right now, or so help me...” Shining said, delivering a swift kick to the shadow's gut.
The shadow rolled a few feet, then stopped. Shakily, it rose to its hooves, looked up at the enraged Captain of the Guard, and opened its mouth, only to release an eerie, ear-shattering scream.
* * *
Shining Armor jolted awake at the sound of his wife's ear-piercing scream, his heart racing as he tried to figure out where the danger was coming from. He was interrupted in his search, however, when the pink princess scooped him up from his bed with her magic, spun him in a circle a few times, then planted a big, wet kiss on his lips.
Somewhat disoriented, yet at the same time relieved that her scream had been one of joy, and not of terror, Shining Armor looked up at his grinning wife a little bemused. “Um... is there something I should know?”
“Just the most amazing news ever!” Cadence said, pulling Shining into another one of those wonderful kisses he was so fond of.
Shining, of course, was far too tired to think properly. That being said, his mind, like the minds of all newlywed husbands, came to the first logical conclusion.
“You're pregnant?” he said, hope and dread rising in his chest.
“What? No!” she said, setting him down in shock.
Shining Armor wasn't quite sure how he felt about that. He was both elated that additional responsibility had been put off, but also extremely disappointed at the same time. “Oh...” was all he managed to say.
“You don't have to sound so disappointed,” she said, lightly pushing his forehead with her hoof.
“Well, if it's not that, then what could possibly cause you to scream at four in the morning?” he asked, glancing quickly at the clock.
“Honey, they found her! She's alright!” Cadence said, pulling Shining into a hug as she pranced about in excitement.
Shining was dumbstruck. “You... you mean that... that they found Twilight?” he said, not quite believing his own words.
“Yes, Shiny, Princess Celestia sent me a... letter...” Cadence said, but trailed off as Shining quickly turned and sprinted for the bathroom. She heard the shower turn on, followed by Shining screeching about the coldness of the water. Cadence waited impatiently as the shower continued to run, then was turned off. Shining then came out, toweling himself off and looking at her in confusion. “Okay, I'm awake now. What was it you just said? Because I think I must have been dreaming that last part,” he said, bracing himself for the worst.
“Shiny, it's no dream. Celestia sent us a letter in our sleep. They've found Twilight!” she said, holding his damp face between her hooves.
In an instant, Shining lifted his wife off her hooves with his magic, covering her face in kisses as she squealed at the unexpected display. He pranced around a bit, then finally settled down and just held his wife. “Oh, thank heavens!” he cried into her shoulder. “I... I just...”
“...I know, Shiny, I know,” she said, gently rubbing his back.
They just sat there for the longest time, holding each other, sharing in the joy that a lost family member had not only been found, but was safe and sound. Finally, after what seemed like hours, Shining pulled back, his face filled with excitement. “Well? What else did the letter say? Where has she been all this time?” Shining asked.
“I don't know! I just read the first couple of lines, and screamed at what I had read!” she said as she levitated the letter towards the two from its resting place on the floor. She then flicked on the bedroom lights, to allow them better reading light as they both bent over the glorious letter.
Dear Princess Mi Amore Cadenza and Prince Shining Armor,
It is with great pleasure that I write to you tonight. I know that you may have already gone to bed, but this is news of such great importance, that I felt it could not wait until morning.
We have found Twilight Sparkle.
Not only have we found her, but she is also alive and well. As you can probably guess, this is momentous news. We have already informed her parents, who have rushed to the palace to see their daughter as quickly as possible. If memory serves, I could hear the screams of joy all the way from my counsel room, as I was otherwise occupied and unable to greet them personally.
As fantastic as this news is, it is poisoned with news that is far more dire. Twilight, though safe and sound now, had been ponynapped by creatures of such unimaginable cruelty and evil, that it is truly a miracle that she made it back at all.
By her own admission, these creatures have absolutely no regard for others, treating them as their playthings, torturing and killing without cause or provocation. She managed to escape, however, with the help of others who were in a similar predicament. She and her new friends fled from them, and were later found by those that are allied against these evil creatures. They then returned Twilight to us free of harm, but come bearing dire news: the evil is coming to us.
I know you are wondering what these evil creatures are, and how we can bring justice to them for what they have done. I also know you are wondering who it was that brought Twilight home safe and sound.
The answers, however, are just too fantastic and terrifying to properly convey in a letter. Instead, I will be sending a representative of those allied against this new evil to you in the Crystal Empire. He will have much to discuss, and will wish to meet with you personally. These new visitors are very strange, not only in appearance, but also in how they traverse the world. If you see something loud and frightening in the sky, please take heart. That is probably them. Believe me when I say that they mean us no harm.
This 'Alliance,' as they call themselves, will make many requests, both for land and for assistance. It has been decided that it is in our best interests to comply and aid them as much as possible.
They are our allies, and will act as such. Any request they make may be freely turned down, and I have found that they will respect our wishes in this. However, they only seek to protect us, and turning down their requests will prove foolhardy, as it will open us to the assault that is undoubtedly coming.
This representative will arrive sometime in the morning to late afternoon, so please be on the lookout for him. His means of transport will be black and ominous looking, but he and his superiors are here to help.
Hoping that this finds you well,
-Princess Celestia.
At this, the couple just looked at each other in shock. “What do you think she means by all that? Why wouldn't she describe fully who these saviors and demons are?” Shining Armor asked, apprehension clear in his voice.
“I don't know. Aunt Celestia seems to think that it is something that we probably will not believe, not without seeing for ourselves with our own eyes,” Cadence mused as she reread the letter.
“Well, whoever these new allies are, they saved my sister. I don't care who they are. It could have been a group of changelings to find her for all I care, I still will greet them as brothers and friends,” Shining said.
“Agreed, though Celestia seems a bit... intimidated. Either by them, or by the enemy that is coming. I wonder what could have unsettled her this much?” Cadence asked quietly.
“I don't know, but these new enemies picked the wrong family to mess with,” Shining said, pulling his wife in for another kiss.
“You got that right,” she answered with a giggle.
* * *
Princess Cadence fidgeted nervously on her throne, busying herself with the day-to-day paperwork as she waited for the arrival of this mysterious visitor. She and Shining had discussed it during the early hours of the morning, and they had agreed that she would continue working on the needed functions of the Empire, while he prepared the citadel to host the Alliance's representative. He had already had his best troops spit-shine their armor, and had prepared a huge banquet in honor of the occasion. However, despite this, as well as Princess Celestia's reassurances that these people who had returned Twilight were friendly, she couldn't help but feel a certain amount of apprehension over what was to come.
This was hardly a surprise, however. Cadence still had no clue what these newfound allies even looked like, much less whether or not they could even eat the food they had prepared. Silently, she prayed that this representative wasn't carnivorous; not because she had any aversion to carnivores, but because the Crystal Empire rarely played host to such beings. That being said, their supply of meat was practically non-existent, and many of the crystal pony chiefs would probably freak out if asked to prepare anything that wasn't vegetarian.
Hmmm... what did she mean by a big, black, noisy object? Are they coming by airship? Cadence wondered to herself. Celestia had been rather skimpy on the details, but she had reassured the pink princess in her letter that the representative would be difficult to miss.
As she was sitting there, musing to herself over what Celestia's cryptic warning could possibly mean, she slowly became aware of some sort of noise that seemed to grow progressively louder as she sat. It seemed to be coming from outside, south by southwest if she were to judge its direction.
Quickly, she ran towards the window, eager to see what sort of beings would return her sister in law to her home. As she scanned the horizon, she spotted what appeared to be a black speck off in the distance. It didn't stay that way for long, however, and approached far faster than she thought was possible for a vehicle.
As it came closer, the noise grew into a roaring hum, and Cadence had to gasp at the strangeness of what she saw.
It appeared to be some sort of sleek, black box, though more angular and clearly more aerodynamic. Underneath the pod was a series of glowing blue discs, while at its rear was a set of glowing strips of light that seemed to leave a trail of energy in its wake. It swiftly made its way to where Shining Armor and his troops were waiting, then slowed until it came to a complete stop. It then gently descended until it touched down with a gentle bump.
It was almost eerie, the silence that had fallen over the whole city. Thankfully, nopony was panicking, due mainly to Cadence having released an official statement earlier that day, informing everypony of the impending arrival. She watched with anticipation as the box-like craft slowly opened, then recoiled slightly at what had come out.
What... what am I looking at here? she thought as she tried to make sense of the new arrival.
* * *
Captain Shining Armor couldn't help but feel a sense of dread as the nightmare came out of the craft in front of him. It was tall, standing probably at six feet. It had four long, bug-like legs, which made an ominous skittering sound as it exited the craft. It had two sets of arms as well, one set positioned above the other, though both were currently folded behind the creature's back. Its beak was a strange, serrated parody of a bird's, with two slits near the front that Shining assumed served a similar function to a nose. Above its beak were its eyes, though the appearance of those eyes were unlike anything he had ever seen before. Though they lacked irises, they still had pupils in the center, the rest of the eye being a weird, iridescent green color. On its forehead were a set of antenna, which seemed to have a life of their own, moving at seemingly random times.
The creature was clothed in what appeared to be a blue and gold dress uniform. On its right breast pocket it wore some kind of winged insignia, as well as some sort of motto written in another language. On its upper left shoulder Shining spotted a patch depicting what appeared to be a purple and green sphere, while on its other upper shoulder was a patch that looked like a flaming eye.
The creature slowly approached the group, and Shining could only commend his troop's bravery for standing their ground in the face of such a monster. The creature stopped just in front of Shining Armor, then brought its upper right hand from behind its back. Shining noted that the creature had a four-clawed hand, with one of those claws being opposable. The creature then brought its hand up to the ridge above its right eye, and went into what was unmistakably a salute.
“Prince Shining Armor, I presume?” it said, its voice sounding male, and almost... jolly?
“...Yes?” Shining asked slowly.
“I am Captain Hazalk of the Galactic Alliance Space Navy. I was told by Princess Celestia that you would be apprised of my arrival. Also, I was told to deliver a personal message,” he said. Shining couldn't be sure, but he thought he saw the faintest hint of... mischievousness... in those eyes. However, it was gone before he was even able to register it.
“We were told you would be coming, though we did not expect you to look so... different,” Shining said awkwardly, trying desperately not to offend the bizarre creature. He shook his head awkwardly, hoping to shake off some of the misgivings he had about this creature. “So, what was that message?”
“I am simply to tell you, 'I am alright BBBFF. Hope to see you soon!'” he said, his eyes flashing again with that same mischievousness as before.
Shining just gave him a flat look at that, but then turned his face into one big grin. “What in the hay kind of trouble did Twili get into to run into aliens?” he asked, his whole demeanor instantly changed.
Captain Hazalk just shook his head at that. “It's the kind that puts entire galaxies at risk. If we may? We have much to discuss, and very little time to do so.”
“Of course, captain. Right this way,” Shining said, gesturing for the strange, yet friendly alien to follow him. “We have even prepared a banquet in your honor, and we would love it if you could join us.”
“I would love to, though we cannot take too long. I really need to get back to preparations, seeing as how we are unsure of how much time we have,” Hazalk said, nodding his head politely.
* * *
Scootaloo, Sweetie Belle and Applebloom looked up in wonder and fear at the huge object that hovered over the distant city of Canterlot. “I'm telling you, guys! Its just like in issue 27# of Buck Dodgers and the 41st Century!” Scootaloo said, waving her hooves about from her position on her scooter. “They'll act all friendly, pretend to be here to help, then whamo! They'll turn on us, and we'll all be replaced by pony golems that look just like us, except evil!”
Applebloom just shook her head at that. “Ah don't know. Mah sister said Rainbow Dash came by our house last night, and she said that they was friendly. Not only that, but she also said that they brought Twilight back! So can they really be as bad as you say they are?” she asked uncertainly.
“It's probably some sort of trick. Or! Or they already replaced her! We need to tell everypony as soon as possible!” Scootaloo said excitedly.
“Why are you so excited about this?” Sweetie Belle asked, somewhat confused by her friend's attitude. “It would be terrible if Twilight was replaced by something like that!”
“Yeah! And, how could you even tell if she'd been replaced anyway?” Applebloom asked.
“Uh... I dunno! The comic had antenna coming out of the golem ponies, so maybe we should look for something like that?” Scootaloo said weakly.
Sweetie Belle opened her mouth to respond, but was interrupted when a loud, roaring sound echoed through the town of Ponyville. All three fillies looked up at the source of the sound, only to see something large, black and scary scream through the sky, making its way towards the edge of town. The three fillies watched in awe and fear as the large object slowed down, then slowly started to land somewhere out in the meadow near town.
“Come on, you guys! Those were the aliens!” Scootaloo shouted excitedly. “Let's go check it out!”
“Um... I don't know, you guys... what if we get caught?” Sweetie Belle asked nervously.
“Don't be such a scardy-cat, we're not gonna get close. I just want to see what they look like!” Scootaloo said excitedly as she motioned for the other two to hop into the wagon behind her scooter.
Applebloom only had to think about it for a second before jumping into the wagon and putting on her helmet. Sweetie Belle, though, took a lot longer. “Um, if it's all the same to you guys, I think I'll pass on this one.”
“Ah come on, Sweetie Belle! Where's your sense of adventure?” Applebloom asked her. “And besides, maybe we'll get alien hunt'n Cutie Marks!”
Sweetie was still indecisive. The idea of an alien hunting Cutie Mark really didn't appeal to her, but she climbed into the wagon anyway. To be honest, she was a little curious herself. More importantly than that, though, was that she didn't want to feel left out while her best friends went on adventures without her.
* * *
Chief Engineer Donny Quelzok carefully looked over the schematics for the Kingfisher, then promptly snorted to himself. “Lousy Lionel design. Does the job, but their 'taint no soul, no artistry ta it,” he said, shaking his head in frustration.
“Well, you can hardly blame them,” J'zalk said as he handed Donny a cup of coffee. “They mass produce these things, so it's not like they can really spend a whole lot of time on each one.”
Donny gratefully took the cup, but still frowned at the trouble-making Krin. “Don't you go be muddling the issue. There is an art ta mak'n stuff go boom. The right amount of force in the right place can cut an unshielded ship in half. Also, just the right amount of explosives, shaped in just the right way, can punch straight through a force field if fired at the right spot,” Donny said, a dopey grin appearing on his face. His expression soured, however, when he looked back down at the offending schematic in front of him. “Have you seen the code in these things, though? They just lock on and fire at the center of mass, no finagling, no nothing! And that's not even counting the payload! We have absolutely no variety here, only energy weapons, and 'situational shells.' Why, I have half a mind to start fabricating some 'situational shells' myself, just to show em' just how 'situational' some of these can be!”
His eight-limbed assistant just looked at him dubiously. “Do you really think that's wise? What if they aren't ready by the time the Dridune show up?”
Donny shook his head at this. “Ah know, but I'll be a monkey's uncle if I'm ta let this travesty continue. Tell ya what, let's work on some replacement code, see if we can hack something together before they show up. If'n its ready, we'll at least have something better than these piles of scrap. I don't think it would sit on my conscience very well if'n that pretty little town over there gets leveled because we didn't do our jobs right,” he said, rolling up the schematic as he did so.
J'zalk took a glance back towards the town and nodded his agreement. “Yeah, I couldn't live with myself either. Looks like we're attracting the attention of the locals, though,” he said, noting the crowd that had gathered at the edge of the meadow.
“Let them pony guards take care of them. We've got more important things to worry about here, like mak'n sure they don't become radioactive ash from Dridune capital ship missiles,” Donny said as he strode towards his cannon. “Let's run some preliminary tests, calibrate the darn thing, and make sure nothing's gonna fall out when it starts firing. We got three more of these things to plant before sundown, so make it snappy.”
J'zalk saluted at that. “Yes sir!” he said sardonically.
“And don't be given me any of that crap! I got enough of that from them cadets back on the Valhalla,” Donny said with a shiver. "Ah didn't need it then, and Ah certainly don't need it now."
"Of course Chief Engineer," J'zalk said, switching tactics.
Donny merely grunted in frustration at that, throwing his arms up in the air and storming off, all the while muttering something about the duplicity of the Krin.
Before anything and everything I think it needs to be said that this is meant as constructive criticism, and if it comes across as anything else, just recall that your talking to a cynical bastard. I have been writing for a while now, so I think I do have the authority to talk about this stuff. This could be a truly great story, perhaps even the best SciFi in the fandom, but it needs a lot of work.
First off, this is a really good story that loses it in the second act. What happened to Twilight? I thought she was the POV character and protagonist. You had a good thing going. Character trapped in a hostile environment where everything they know and understand is thrown on its ear, but no. You had to bring us back to Equestrian, where apparently the most exciting thing going on in this galactic struggle for freedom and not dying, is little more then paperwork. And don't give me that "It's all just build up to the big finally". Your job as the writer is to keep the readers suspension of disbelief intact, and I have been made quite aware that I am reading a story by this point. Even if the third act blow my mind, I wont believe that the things happening are real.
And again, where is Twilight? Its hard to stay invested when I don't care about any of the characters on the page, and there are a lot of characters not to care about. Honestly I stopped trying to learn all of their names after chapter 15 (whats with writers using roman numerals in chapter headings, its annoying). That was a problem even in the early bits, what with all the characters we interact with and end up empathizing with that just die. The strong point of any story like this is the isolation and the uncertainty. Honestly, you should probably just hake and slash everything past when Twilight and her band of lovable rouges (might want to rethink that too) leave the space port, as well as cut the alternative POV sections entirely.
5564826 Thanks for the criticism. I really do appreciate it. As for where Twilight is, she's coming back to the picture, do not fear. Also, you don't have to learn all of the names of all the characters. Most of the ones I've been introducing are side or supporting characters, who have some importance to the overall story, but are not the main focus. It has only been five chapters since we've last seen her. That really isn't a whole lot, all things considered. The main reason it feels like she's been gone forever is because of the long wait while I got through my writer's block. She'll be back, and she'll be taking up the largest portion of the spotlight.
A minor detail: Sweetie's name is spelled "Belle".
On another note, I have to agree with awsomeone that the buildup is starting to drag a bit. No biggie, though. My interest hasn't waned, and I'm looking forward to the next update.
5564908 Thanks for the catch! already taken care of!
Yeah, I know. The buildup is starting to drag, but its coming to an end. Almost have everything accounted for (setup wise), then we'll be getting back to the characters you all know and love.
I am also a writer, not an artist, but I have come to the conclusion that good art, like good writing, takes forever and that yes you can speed up the process somewhat with time, effort, and practice, BUT most of the good pictures you see, take a lot more time than you would think they would to be created.
The side-effect of this is that when you sit there after mucking around with a picture that took you 8 hours to draw, it isn't the time but the quality that really differs.
5564890
To be fair, five chapters constitute a whole quarter of the story
Krin!!!!!
and that is a VERY GOOD drawing!
dont sell yourself short.
keep up the good work
Thats pretty good.
That's a pretty good sketch, actually.
I get why they were kidnappings humans now in the other story!
5565474 The Krin are only running a cameo here. There is no actual crossover here.
5565028
Out there in the fun world that is Fimfiction, is a piece of work you now are required to read for homework. It is titled Estrus. Read it. Love it. You will learn, Alicorns pee.
5565484 damn....
So close!
I had forgotten all about the abduction with the war meetings and all, how about some reunions to add some equinity to the mix?
Donny is a TRUE Chief Engineer; if here were back on the Valhalla; he would probably know the right parameters to eke a little more effiency, energy, and Speed out of the Valhalla's Hyperdrive; as well as Pulling a "Scotty" Grade Miracle now and then.
I'm an aspiring writer, and I like to believe that I'm a somewhat good artist, so if you want I'll make an attempt at capturing the image in your mind of the Krin or other characters. (But not Alex from WIB or WID, I've tried before and it looked horrid )
I thought that guy was familiar.
5568287 Sure man, I won't say no to an offer for art!
HAZALK!!!! Breeze, man, I swear I squeed when i saw that name!
Now, I am pretty convinced that this is on a parallel universe to the WIB-verse, if the Krin are part of the Galactic Alliance, which includes humans that sure as crystal spires not a backwater-planet semi-primitive species in this one.
5575592 I don't know why I like it so much, but I love it when an author uses characters, races, places and items from his other books, even if those things are completely unrelated, or their adventures are not cannon to their other story(ies).
That being said, I tend to reuse the characters I have created in other stories. It's just more fun that way, forces people to play 'spot the background pony' with characters from other books. Its fun.
5575269 *does a derpy salute*
(the thing is though is that drawing+taking the picture and posting it the site are two very different things so i just know I'm gonna fuck something up and become frustrated as shit sooooooooo I'll just get to drawing a.s.a.p.)
Okay, so now the Alliance has a token insectoid race. Nothing wrong with tha-
*notices the depiction, remembers names*
ENEMY SIGHTED!
On a serious note: if you still want someone to go and pick through the last chapter or so for proofreading purposes, let me know; it's been a busy few days for me but I should have time now.
5575269 wait so is he wearing pants and boots or what
Edit: also, what does the winged insignia look like? I'm kind of a sucker for tiny little details
5581290 who, the krin? he's wearing pants, but they only travel so far down his legs. The legs themselves are segmented, and no, he's not wearing boots.
5581290 I'll get you the winged insignia later. what it looks like is a winding winged serpent.
5581308
5582987
Okey dokey
5619490 I'm glad you like it! It's on hiatus right now because I'm having trouble with some of the later chapters, but I'm still working on it. As for the commas thing, I keep going back through to nitpick, but I miss stuff sometimes.
I look forward to reading more of this
I've been wanting to do so more proofread/editing for this story as well.
I recommend deleting the word "finally"
I recommend deleting both uses of the word "again," especially the second
I recommend changing this to:
"Cadence's hope was that Twilight had simply ran off and eloped somewhere, and that her absence was simply the result of her being on her honeymoon."
I recommend making this one sentence:
"Therefore, it was with both excitement and fear that she broke the seal on the scroll and unrolled the long paper."
-or, possibly-
Therefore, it was with both excitement and fear that she broke the seal on the scroll and- after a moment of hesitation- unrolled the long paper.
I recommend deleting the term "ear-piercing" and just writing "Shining Armor jolted awake at the sound of his wife's scream"
I recommend getting rid of the "that being said."
ditto
You don't really need the parenthetical information "and not of terror" in this sentence, we already understand that.
to have found her
Spacing error between these sentences
I recommend deleting the second use of the word "even"
I think a dash would work better here than a semicolon
The word "clearly" does not fit here at all, and the sentence could be cut down a bit. I recommend:
"It appeared to be some sort of sleek, angular black box."
I recommend making a few changes here, such as to make the paragraph read:
"The creature was clothed in a blue and gold dress uniform. On its right breast pocket it wore some kind of winged insignia, as well as some writing in an alien language which Shining presumed to be a motto. On its upper left shoulder Shining spotted a patch depicting a purple and green sphere, while on its other upper shoulder was a patch that looked like a flaming eye."
He noticed it, so he did registered it. I recommend changing the word "hint" to "flash" and deleting the second sentence.
I recommend deleting the second use of the word "awkwardly"
Please use the word "just" sparingly. I recommend deleting that word in all the above sentences.
Backwards ordering
You can delete the last two words, we already know they're in Ponyville.
Not sure why that comma is there
I don't think the term "cutie mark" needs to be capitalized.
I would recommend deleting the word "promptly."
----
Most of these recommendations come down to ways in which the writing could be more streamlined. My advice: Consider carefully whether every word you write needs to be there, and if it doesn't, delete it.
WE CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!! YOU MUST CONTINUE OR I WILL THUMBS DOWN EVERY OTHER STORY YOU HAVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!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you have two months to get another chapter that is up to your standards.
5920341 bro, did you read my last blogpost?
6019342 Yeah, but my story already had the alternate universe tag on it, so it isn't like I was going for cannon anyway.
5920338
He just wants to read more about the Lionels!
5564826 Those are some good points, but what if the isolation and uncertainty come during the battle? Maybe he plans on focusing on main characters from the show during it? Still the human turned Dridune was probably the one character I wished he would have focused on. Less characters to focus the story on means the more we care about them, so, again, good points.
This is the worst! I beg you to continue. Continue What I've become and What I've done as well!
6149054 There are actually a lot more applications for war for the ability to levitate things.
More please??
After reading in on the anatomy you've provided in your stories, I've attempted to sketch out one of the Krinn. (Emphasis on the word attempt)i.imgur.com/WWXAqPB.jpg?1 (The picture is of Captain Hazalk while saluting)
Comments accepted that are geared towards making you a better writer huh?
Well in that case, don't finish things that you don't want to finish, even when other people are pressuring you to finish them. That's probably obvious to you by now through so, eat vanilla ice cream from The Habit (a burger place thingy) for creative boosts I guess?
Ooh, what if the CMC get their hooves on that code. CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS ANTI-AIRCRAFT ARTILLERY, YAY
I have really enjoyed the story. I do hope that you're still working on it. Now since you did such a good job on this one I'm going to go read your other stories.
6441048 No worries. I don't want to spoil anything, but keep a lookout tomorrow.
Remember, I have no editor for this one, so expect some errors.
6442537
Yes! Thank you.
I'm sorta worried about how similar the krin look to chrisalidsvignette3.wikia.nocookie.net/xcom/images/6/6a/XCOM-EU_Chrysalid.jpg/revision/latest?cb=20120524085412
6442537
I'll edit for you. Send me a private message if you would like it.
I don't charge and it would be my pleasure to help you and your story.
I knew there was a reason I liked Donny.
More angular than a box, eh? That's hard to do. It's also a little bit difficult to make aerodynamic.
lh5.googleusercontent.com/-m4M4F313TW0/VLIjUCczy4I/AAAAAAAAACw/YgOp6KL05JA/w225-h353-no/Krin.png
my god that thing is so derpy.
i was thinking they looked like the mantie from FTL.
i.imgur.com/vSc5wiM.jpg
i.imgur.com/LNzWOEq.jpg
i.imgur.com/ZAYwQoW.jpg
but you know....with extra arms
and cool looking...
yeah i am going going to pretend they still look like that.