• Member Since 5th Apr, 2012
  • offline last seen Nov 16th, 2019

DeiStar


DeiStar

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Twilight's life is treading on very thin ice, and the only hope is for her to open her eyes, tonight. After a conversation with the doctor about Twilight's condition, Celestia enters her room and talks to her. After all, it might be their last night together.

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 164 )

Think the "trending" in the description is supposed to be "treading."

that was beautiful

iT was great....I am not crying i am just sweating out of my eyes hey look at that thing over there *points in a direction and runs off*

Please add another chapter I would really enjoy reading it :)

This feels inspired by an event. Interesting.

Good emotional appeal and good flow as well. I didn't spot any grammatical issues while reading. I like the hopeshot at the end too. There's little else to say. :heart:

Damn you, for making this old Jarhead cry...

It was beautiful. Thank you.

Very lovely story. I hope Twilight makes it through ok. We're all there for ya twi.
:fluttercry::applecry::raritycry::heart:

Wow, just...wow...nice one, man
:ajsmug:
Got me right in the heart, it did :twilightsmile:

Gonna click the follow button... Just in case it continues.

Saw the title, instantly thought Beatles; and it seems I was correct! The transition from music to literature was flawless. I applaud you, good sir.

Oh man, right in the feels. :twilightoops: In a good way. :twilightsmile: I hope you will continue this further, I'd like to see what happens after.

A very heartwarming oneshot. :twilightsmile: Made me sad on an otherwise happy day.

A left hook to the feels ribcage. :twilightoops:

Here, have a few Pinkies for that ending. :pinkiehappy: :pinkiesmile:

Random pony: Mr. Mayor! The Dam of Manly Tears, it has sprung a leak! What do we do!?
Mayor: *takes off sunglasses*... God help us all.....

Heartwarming and filled with hope. Beautifully executed sadfic. :heart:

Why hasn't anyone posted the song yet? This is Johnny Cash's cover.

[youtube=Ka2h0BMdUgU]

A beautiful story. :twilightsmile:

Beautiful. A masterpiece!

“This is really hard for me to say, since I know Ms. Sparkle means a lot to you, Your Highness, but... if her body rejects once again the medicines we supplied to her a while ago and doesn’t wake up tonight, I don’t think she’s going to make it to watch your beautiful sun rise into the morning sky. ”

I'd rewrite this entire paragraph if I were you. It is a single run-on sentence.
Also, I'm pretty sure the once again bit should go like:
if her body once again rejects the medicines
or
if her body the medicines once again

less spit it to Twilight.“If you leave us, everypony will be crushed.

Missing space.

“I am truly lucky to meet you,

Was. We're talking past tense here.

I'm going to be honest here. I didn't like it, and that's five minutes of my life I'll never get back. The premise has almost been done to death, and there's almost always one of these stories in the featured box when I'm looking, so no points for originality.

Celestia's reaction doesn't feel in character. Her lose of composure is a big hit against the story. She's over 1000 years old, and has no doubt experienced death more times than she cares to remember, so the whole breaking down into tears doesn't do it. In my eyes she would be sad, but mostly numb to the situation.

Tying in with the grammatical errors, there is a lot of poor word choices, like 'acquiring' the disease. It makes sense, but contracted would be more appropriate to the situation.

Finally, the earlier dialogue, and this one is a poor choice I see writers make constantly. There is only dialogue. There is so much more to interaction than just the words spoken, body language plays a huge part, but you've completely ommited it from Celestia's conversation with the nurse. Add some expressions, movements and tones in, it'll make your characters feel more natural.

1312245
I dunno, these kind of stories seem to be a bit of a trend :pinkiehappy:.

1313369
I'm aware that this is a generic sadfic.

This is actually my first work with the Sad tag, so I wanted to try with an overused plot to begin with.

Thanks, anyway.

:fluttercry: That... was beautiful!

*sheds a man tear*

A few minor mechanical errors. You might want to have more variety in your word choice. It seems like you don't really change it up. Also, it's hooves, not hoofs when you mean plural.

That was good..........SHE'S ALIVE YESYESYESYESYESYESYES:applecry::pinkiehappy:

why do you people keep giving me all thies feels? i cant hold all of them! :raritycry:

This was not bad for your first sad fic but of course you could try to be more orginial next time and provide more details, for instance what is the disease and for how long has Twilight had it for, also I'm afraid I'll have to deduct points for using the 'Celestia is an imortal sun goddess' idea, it's been done to death unfournately. :eeyup:

That was beautiful. It was powerful, and well written.

please... for the love of god please update with another chapter. this one hit me in the feels... great work!

1313369 I don't care how long you've lived, losing a loved one, NEVER gets easier, and honestly I wouldn't wish immortality on anything.

1313484 Honestly I liked your story better than most sadfics with similar plots, if only because it left a little room for hope at the end. I've read to many stories where everyone loses and the ending leaves no room for happiness. I get that entertainment as of late has been leaning towards realism, but honestly people like to see the hero/heroine manage through despite all odds, we like seeing a happy ending...

And I'm just uselessly ranting...
TL:DR Anyway Great story, don't care its generic, liked the room for hope.

1313484 Yeah so either I've developed a heart of stone or immunity to these kind of fics but I didn't cry. Don't rightly know why, this is certainly well written if a bit generic but you've already made that admission. I think I'd actually be more interested in the little Trixie reference you made.

Somehow... this was just... beautiful. Who would have thought a 1,700 word story could be this great?

Somehow... this was just... beautiful. Who would have thought a 1,700 word story could be this great?

screw it. we need more. The ending was a cliffhanger and I think you know that.

I LOVED IT!

1312391 Marines don't cry! they excrete extraneus salt through their ocular orifices!!!

Like this :raritycry:
(with less makeup =3)

Well, that was sad. Another fic into our heart. Love, all the world needs is love. Only that will make peace in the world. Nicely done there. Hope to see more from you.

Well, I'm not going to alter a review based on whether it's your first try or anything like that, so buckle up.

Word repetition at the start is a huge problem. Almost all of the sentences need rewording to avoid it, and then later, there are a fair number of very questionable word choices that make the narrative feel a little immature and unsophisticated. The dialogue suffers from this, too, with many lines (more towards the beginning) feeling completely unlike anything any real person, let alone Celestia, would say. Lastly, much of the sentence structure was, while serviceable, rather dull. Groups of very short sentences and long ones with repetitive rhythms add to the feeling of unwelcome simplicity.

From a less technical perspective, the tone was functional, and avoided many of the potential pit traps that similar pieces fall into. It didn't overreach, or try to force anything that wasn't there, which made it fairly readable despite the technically dry narration. A little bit tell-y on occasion, but actually not that bad, perhaps even better than the average on FIMFiction (although I'm not sure how much of a plus you'll take that as). Though I suspect it pulls tears from the eyes of many of your target audience, I'm afraid it's won't be because of a well executed plot or anything more than the most base emotional manipulation.

As seems to forever be my main criticism these days, it isn't really a story at all, but a scene in narrative format. There is no struggle, or twist, or sense of attachment, beyond that which is stolen form the show. It's too short to be a full story, yet too rambling to be a simple exposition of an idea.

Score: ☼☼
Not actually bad, but flawed in very basic ways that make it unremarkable. Feel free to drop me an email if you require any explanations of my comments.

-Scott 'Inquisitor' Mence

A Twilight is Twilestia fic these are a Dime a dosen to borrow a yank phrase

:fluttershysad: Not gonna cry... not gonna cry, SON OF A BITCH, I'M NOT GONNA CRY!!! :fluttercry: Aw, buck it... this was amazing, beautiful, powerful, and filled to the brim with hnnnggh. This was my face when I finished reading...
media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m6zym9OFsr1qbmrgd.gif

It needs a sequel. That was art. I'm not going to cry, mainly because my mom's in the room.

A wire was attached to one of her legs, connecting directly with an intravenous bag.

So they hooked her up to a DC battery? Or did you mean a tube was attached to her leg, leading up into an intravenous bag?

MY GOD! I can read bloody anything and not cry but still good job

Stay strong Twilight:pinkiesad2:.

Womanly tears were shed :heart:

I love that song, and while I sort of saw it coming, the way you worked it in as the last line killed me :raritycry:

The "she would forever treasure in her mind forever" part was a little redundant. That's all I found that hasn't been mentioned yet.
Still a good read, though.

Manly tears were shed. Is there any chance that you might continue this?

SO TWILIGHT'S ALIVE, RIGHT?! SHE'S NOT GONNA DIE, RIGHT?!
Some pony please say yes. :fluttercry:

beep beep beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep
:trollestia: - guess i need a new student to troll

All in all, a good start. Keep working at your descriptions (without over-doing it), and you should have an easier time.
I think everyone agrees Celly and Twi have something very special, and this was a nice addition to the sub-genre. :yay:
Stop hitting my feels. They're not used to it. :eeyup:

Oh, this looks interesting. I'll read it later.

So many feels!:fluttercry: Good job with this one, it made me cry!:twilightsheepish:

Short, sweet, and oh so good. :twilightsmile: :yay:

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