It's strange how a short few years can seem like such a long time ago, Twilight remembers the moment she was told the truth about her, and how she would outlive all her friends.
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- Member Since 5th May, 2012
- offline last seen Feb 3rd, 2014
Fuliam
My name is Fuliam, I like ponies and writing fanfiction, so ya. That's about it.
Fuliam
Joined 5th May, 2012 ·
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Hia reading now cant wait to see what happens...
Looove these types of books....
Lots of people tackle this concept, and with good reason. There are many intricacies one can explore and a lot of time can be spent exploring them. I'm disappointed to see that you decided to go with a one-shot, here. There are so many elements you've condensed, it's clear you have a solid idea of the universe you've created, but it's like you thew it at us much like a banana cream-pie to the face instead of over a 3 course meal. Seriously, this could be a solid 10-chapter story if you spent some time on each character's emotional state and cleaned up the backstory (frankly, you could probably just be rid of Candence). Chapters 1-3: Letter, Train, Arrival in Canterlot. Chapters 4-6: Party, Reveal, Backstory. Chapters 7-10: Reactions, Revelations, Epilogue. You could even write a sequel that deals with Twilight not aging, or dealing with her actual transition, staying young (and growing wings?) as her friends age around her.
Anyway, I'm rambling since it's 2:30, so apologies for that. Just wanted to say that I think you could spend more time here, even if it is a bit of a well-done topic, it's one I always like to read.
Pretty simple and take on a fanfic concept many have done, but it was done rather well. The only complaint I have is.. your refer to spike as a green dragon, he's purple.
"The Curse of Immortality" finally someone that defines immortality as what it is "a curse"
Need more discribsen. Don't trust that everyone know what next. F.exs How did they feel? And how was the trainride. Why took it a night to get to Canterlot? What did they in the trainride? What was the style of rainbows mane? You covered something when you discribe it. But not the whole thing.
Good job writing this dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Vinyl_sad.png
1204133
i agree with this, the story could be expanded to something bigger but otherwise a very good story here
i liked it... so much...
1204133
I appreciate the critique, a lot of this I can use, I was considering expanding it to be a full story, I still might. But there are certain things I need to take care of first.
Immortality is only a curse if you make it a curse.
If you live your life like you have a million years to get out of bed and brush your teeth then immortality will get really old really quick. If you stoop loving anyone because someday you will loose that person then you will never love anyone ever again and immortality will get pretty old really quick.
If you live your life like every day was a special and beautiful event that can never be replaced, that can never be duplicated then immortality is a strange and wonderful thing.
If you love your friend and lose her does this mean that you can not love her children? grandchildren? There are beautiful and wonderful people born everyday. Love the people you can while you can and accept their love in the same fashon.
Life is beautiful no matter how long or short it lasts.
*See Alicorn!Twi fic in feature box*
*Insta-click; Insta-fav; Insta-read; Insta-like*
Nope, my opinion is not biased at all.
Short and good.
I like that.
You need an editor. Hire me. Hire me NOW.
NOW, DAMN YOU, NOW!
Derf... my feels... all over the floor...
It does seem kinda cramped, like you tried to fit too much content into too little space. This needs to be expanded, spaced out. Detail filled in. Grammar errors fixed. Oh, the grammar errors...
Many of the names are not capitalized like they should be. "Ya" is not a word. "Yeah" is how it is actually spelled.
It wasn't half bad. The pacing seemed a bit too fast, and it probably could have been a lot better if it wasn't a one shot. But it was good nonetheless.
As
1204133
1206313
and
1206373
Said it could do with more details and I am working on it. The story is being expanded from it's current form so think of it as a... skeleton.
You need an editor. NEED. Otherwise, I agree with the first poster. This could be so much longer.
1206478
I agree, but finding one is easier said then done.
My only gripe with this story is that Celestia says Me and Luna or Me and her, instead of the proper her and I or Luna and I. but thats it other wise it was awesome
Not a bad one-shot my friend.
1206486
I'd love to proofread.
1204276
http://everything2.com/index.pl?node_id=1894965&displaytype=printable
This is an interesting story with just that message.
http://everything2.com/index.pl?node_id=1894965&displaytype=printable
1205631
Maybe for the first few million years but read the above link to find out why to never wish for immortality.
1206486
This group should help you.
Path_of_Cloud recommended it.
Bronydragon
1206773
It is a curse because you will outlast all friends and family and no precious memories can compensated the thousands of losses of them over the millennia. But we leave it at that, I always get so melancholy philosophy of this topic.
1206798
I'm not saying that everyone should wish for immortality but that guy in the story was a moron.
His first acts were simply prooving to himself he could not die then he spent the next billion years waiting to die ...
He never DID anything. That was one of my points. Did he spend a million years before getting out of bed and brushing his teeth? Nope he spent 4 million years watching continents cuddle. He is a moron who wasted 4 million years of life because he had the lifespan to waste it.
What should he have done before his universe collapsed into a singularity? Jumped ship to a paralell reality maby?
Smaller scale immortality (Celestia, Luna) is much much easier to deal with.
If you want to see a better example of immortality read "The Boat of A Million Years" . I do not think you will be dissapointed.
I gotta ask a question. Since Spike is a dragon wouldnt he still be alive? Dragons do live for 1000's of years. Of course they are not immortal like alicorns, but they would live a long time like allicorns do. I would also expect Spike to be devastated by his friends deaths.
Meh. It was well written but I like to think that alicorns are not immortal, they just live for a few thousand years.
Somepony tell me is this a good story, or just another story about somepony bitching about how immortality sucks?
So
SO
SO Tired of these wah wah wah im immortal and dont die stories. I guess i will continue to wait for a good. "I'm immortal and its good" story.
Umm, when is this fanfiction occurring? I've never seen a laptop in the show.
Short but sweet. I was left wanting a little more, but what was written was good even if rushed. dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Redheart_gasp.png
I think the real show will have something a little like this coming up in season 3,4, or 5(that is if it lasts that long)
Well, this was a fun read, though crammed into a single chapter instead of savored over a longer period.
Just a little grammar catch that drew me out of the story: Instead of "Me, Celestia, and Cadence went" or similar structure, the correct way is "Celestia, Cadence, and I went." For politeness, the I goes on the end. It's also an "I" because the subject has to agree with the action; "Me went" is not grammatically correct.
1206390
I'm about to read it, and if it is good, and could be expanded, then your going to get an earful from me about it.
That was really, really good man. I'm crying now.
1206390
Definitely a skeleton, this had little story or visuals, the whole thing was really just "told." Concept could be expanded to be a good story, but, right now, it needs work.
1207218
This fic is occurring when Pinkie Pie was alive. That is all.
Immortality is really only a curse if you are the only immortal one. But even then, eventually you will grow tired of life. My view of immortality is the last line of the song First Night Alone by ThatSonofaMitch and All Levels at Once. The line is, "What good is the morning if the night never comes?" Basically, life is meaningless without death.
Anyways, onto the fic. There was the occasional grammar error, particularly when to use the word 'me' as opposed to 'I', but other than that, it was a decent read. Nice job.
1207218
In the royal wedding, I remember seeing speakers, there's no use having speakers like that if there are no computers.
There's a number of grammar issues for you to sort out, and character interactions feel emulated. I really don't think you know these characters very well. The filler dialogue is awkwardly worded, like you just couldn't find anything to put there.
It isn't enough to make sure their actions are consistent. The way they talk tells you more about who these characters are than anything.
Hope this helps.
You know some of us would kill for immortality...but at the cost of watching friends come and go out our life. How depressing...
I liked it albeit it was short.
As you said, very much a skeleton of a story. Needs some proofreading, mostly for grammar. Honestly I wouldn't release this version at all - use it as an outline and re-release the story once you've fleshed out the first chapter or two.
Interesting premise and it'll make for a good read to see how you deal with Twilight's sudden introduction to immortality versus the other alicorns' long experience with it. It just needs to be expanded and polished more as a story to get there. Keep writing!
I concur on the suggestion to get the help of an editor.
The grammar is a little odd in places, and it's good to use more formal language in some things and less formal in others. For example, this:
"... full story of the Elements, me, Celestia, and Luna will all take part in this Story telling. ..."
should be "Celestia, Luna, and I" since Princess Cadence is the one talking.
AND
Celestia finally looked up and spoke a single sentence, a simple sentence, "yes, they will."
This sentence should be "Yes, they will." since it's a sentence, the first word should still be capitalized. If possible though, this probably fits better after a pause, or as an end clause of a longer sentence. In fact you could even lop off the 'yes'.
I would also recommend using 'okay' as the spelling most of the time when you want to use 'ok', since it's a bit more correct and doesn't feel as informal/slang-ish. That is not to say its wrong, but I would suggest that the setting is not quite that informal in this case for sure. Some wording also flows better off the tongue/the inside of the brain and sounds reasonable and sensible, whereas other choices may sound stilted, or unnatural, when read aloud.
You might consider nixing the "essence of the six original ponies" stuff, unless it's critical to expanding the story (should you choose to do that), since it explains something that doesn't necessarily need that much explanation. It can also sometimes raise other questions that the story might need to answer, such as whether they were real or some spell or illusion, etc and whether they could/can be trusted. You should probably invent/make/borrow a specific reason for Twilight to become an Alicorn, due to the Elements of Harmony, instead of any or all of them to help give the story a bit more solidity. Otherwise, it feels like you've just chosen to use Twilight. There's also an element of unfairness since she would now have a horn and wings.
Try and flesh out the story a bit, it's a little short and somewhat sudden, although it seems like an okay point for this particular flashback to appear/appear again. Personally, it would make more sense to me for her to have come the letter while reminiscing or something. It's not like Twilight Sparkle to leave a piece of paper on her desk for years, decades even. Finding it in a book she was looking for might make a tad more sense, although it's a matter of choice and doesn't overly affect the story.
Also, a few details of the funerals in question would help to hammer home that they are gone, as well as the shortness of life and the suddenness of remembering/feeling again the sadness of having to outlive them. You could bring Spike into this as well, if you wanted, since he would probably still be alive, having outlived the elements enhanced ponies (unless it was a huge enhancement). Dragons in most stories, FIMFics and elsewhere, can live from 500-1000 years old at least assuming that they aren't immortal or haven't been killed.
Thank you for going on with this by expanding it. So short, it was, that I was disappointed. I hate "Twilight becoming an alicorn" stories because in some cases, they don't even have reasons that make sense...to me, anyway. *sighs* But I...actually, I don't see why she is becoming one here, as well. Is it simply a transformation into an alicorn; was that how Luna, Celestia, and Cadence became ones? If so, that's fine, I just want that to be cleared up.
I also hope we get some detail as to how the others died--on the same stinking day, I should add--and just how long it was between that announcement and their deaths when you expand this; I would like to know their ages because the older they are, they more they make an impact on Twilight. I'm sure they'll be friends until the end, and the longer they live, it will only torture her more when they do. It's such a shame to see her through this...if only we got some emotion, some tension out of it. But, hey, this was a short, simple one-shot; I won't slam on it too much. It was okay, just not a favorite of mine, I could say.
1204276 Rest assured, we shall not force it upon you. We would rather not have you if you cannot appreciate it.
I shall offer only one point: Those who are most familiar with death are those who can most endure eternally.
Ask away if you wish for clarification.
It looks like you had an editor, but then he quit halfway through the story. Grammar errors abound in a featured story actually miffs me quite a lot. DON'T let it happen again, incompetent readers.