• Member Since 4th May, 2013
  • offline last seen 11 minutes ago


On the Sliding Scale Of Cynicism Vs. Idealism, I like to think of myself as being idyllically cynical. (Patreon, Ko-Fi.)


There's really no way to prevent it. No matter how careful you are, regardless of one's dedication to personal cleanliness, they're going to get in eventually. And for most ponies, it's a moment of deep gross-out, followed by scrubbing down their entire pantry, kicking out far too much of what's in it, and ending with a regretfully expensive shopping trip to replace what was lost.

But this is Rarity. The situation was unacceptable. And her intention was to take out the problem at the source.

Now if she can just find a way of explaining that to the jury...

Now with author Patreon and Ko-Fi pages.

Rated C for Crackfic.

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 86 )

Story title suggested by Blazzing Inferno: chapter title from LoftyWithers.

May I trouble you for the salt?

"Then please... do account for yourself," the prosecutor smiled. His horn's corona ignited, and a pocket square wiped some excess saliva away before it soaked into the fur of his chin. "Now. Where did it begin?"

Rarity took a slow breath and in doing so, gave the jury what they wanted.

I just listened to Tool’s 10,000 Days album yesterday, and this made me think of the one track that starts in the doctor’s office, where the guy was visited by aliens. And that just makes this better. I’ve liked most every story by Estee I’ve read, and I can already tell this one will be no exception.

The chapter title is what sold it for me.

i shouldn't be cracking up like this late at night. thank you :D

Weevil is as weevil does :raritywink:

You did it! And the puns are killing me. :facehoof:

Love the title. :rainbowlaugh:

We'd all been waiting for this, and you didn't disappoint.

What a brilliant use of Chekov's gun. I always, always wonder how you manage to come up with such creative curveballs

Now that I’ve finished this story, I have to say it was at least as hilarious as I expected, if not more. Awesome Thumbs up and a fave.

I just knew you would write this and it was even better than I thought it would be!

Hope you're feeling better, Estee. Thank you!

Every time extreme extermination comes up, the wise words of a certain warrant officer from the future come to mind:

Nuke the site from orbit. It's the only way to be sure.

Way to turn lemons (in this case, weevils) into lemonade (in this case, a fun story). Have a like.

A bit of Rarity insanity to make the quarantine better. A very fun read.

Honestly, I would like to see how the magnification experiment would go with apples. Or Zap Apples fir the extra magic kick. I am sure Twilight would love to experiment with it once the shock and guilt have passed.

And a cheer for the mention of Zecora. We haven't seen her in a long while in Estee stories so a mention was nice.

Emil #15 · Apr 19th, 2020 · · 9 ·

I'm not a fan this time. I understood the comedic aspect, and the writing is excellent as always...but when I thought about it a little more, the level of cringe was just too much to upvote.

The rest of the Mane 6+1 acted as expected to defend their friend, and that's understandable and mostly laudable. But let's look at the collateral damage this time. First the jurors- we don't know what happened to them, but hopefully none of them were permanently traumatized. Given Ponyville, that's questionable.

Second, even being charitable in our damage estimations, an expensive part of the factory burned down and some portion of the production floor and its equipment received significant damage. A vast amount of finished product and raw materiel lost. With an acquittal for arson, the insurance company- if such an industry even exists in Equestria- may not cover the losses. Guess who the dozens of ponies who are going to be laid off or furloughed are? It's not the executives, that's for sure. Celestia better have a royal account ready just to make whole the ponies unfortunate enough to have ever encountered the Bearers.

"They were careless ponies, Rarity and Rainbow -- they smashed up things and creatures and then retreated back into their egos or their vast carelessness or whatever it was that kept them together, and let other ponies clean up the mess they had made."



The most dangerous four words in any language: "I've got an idea."

A pasta factory had very little in the way of security guards

I don't know if it's a good thing or not that she wasn't caught by the Ziti Guard...

Glorious. Rarity's brand of insanity is just something special, isn't it?

I Knew it would be Rarity rather than Pinkie Pie!

Wait...is that cover photo from your pantry?

Really, there was just about nothing which could be done with that orange that bright, especially when one was limited to the supplies which could be improvised from what was found in a holding cell

Department of
It Could Have Been Worse

Belzebub is a demon prince, "Lord Of The Flies"
Presumably, this includes flour weevils as well

Well that was some fun insanity.

At least magnifying the bugs actually making them bigger was an accident. I half expected that would happen on purpose. Good thing Rarity already planted the idea of Thaun-Mutated buggies.

Out of all this nonsense though, the best bit was Pinkie being described as the sane and reasonable one working hard to maintain friendships with a whole bunch of crazy ponies...

Obvious self-defense. The weevils attacked first.

Two quick notes:
-Flour dust and matches don't mix. Well, they do mix, but grain dust explosions at storage silos involve flying hunks of concrete and fire. Pound for pound, it can be as explosive as dynamite, so don't try this at home, kiddies. (although you can sprinkle powdered non-dairy creamer over a lit candle for... Oh, wait. No, don't try that, no matter how impressive.)
-Actual limits on insect parts can be found in the FDA publication Food Defect Levels Handbook. Yes, you've been eating bug parts and eggs all of your life, more if you eat organic. Don't worry about it. Your grandparents ate a lot more.

When I first saw this, my thought was Pinkie Pie
becoming convinced that Chrysalis had sent them as SPIES! :pinkiegasp:

This was a ton of fun :rainbowlaugh:

We did breeding experiments with flour weevils at school, crossing different coloured ones to see what colours the offspring came out as. It was one of the things which originally got me interested in genetics.

This was hilarious.
And so Rarity. :raritydespair:


because the trial ended before it reached her own collaborating testimony,




"When one truly thinks about it," declared the unicorn sitting in the witness stall, "everything I did could be seen as a fully reasonable course of action."

Calling it at the starting gate: This will end in fire.

"Burn it down," Rarity placidly ordered. "All of it."

After all, Sweetie Belle got it from somewhere.

There's flour dust all over the factory.

Really, we may want to look at their mother's criminal history.

I only knew of two things which reliably killed the things.

Because there's definitely something funny about that family.

Delightful stuff throughout, with just the right amount of gut-twisting disgust to season the text. Thank you for a most enjoyable biohazard. (Well, it's definitely a biohazard by the seventh one. The rest depend on where you're reading.)

"You know how I feel."

Woo! Acknowledgement!


Magic Mutations are canon! :madscitwi:


Nice explanation of events and commentary! :rainbowlaugh:


I was wondering how she'd get out of this!


That's a new spell... Really got me wondering if new spells can be extracted from twists of usual ones...

The FDA officially allows up to 60 insect fragments per 100g of chocolate, and it doesn’t end there. Insect pieces can be found in almost everything we consume, from coffee to cinnamon, with the result that we naturally consume quite a large quantity of bugs over the course of a year.

Some comedian (George Carlin?) was riffing on this

This story has given me renewed motivation to clean out my pantry.


I had originally thought about this as a somewhat more serious Pinkie-focused story (because flour weevils are a bakery's personal Tartarus), but it didn't take long to realize that we'd be going over the same territory as Diaper Pale: something disgusting is associated with Sugarcube Corner and ponies revolt accordingly. That led me to switch characters -- and once I reached Rarity, it was time to go crackfic.

Sometimes, you just need The Crazy.

Or "Biohazard" in the original Japanese. Which the localization team then used as a subtitle for 7.

I was five years old. I loved to operate the flour sifter whenever I spotted my mother making baked goods. One day I did the inevitable five year old’s thing and asked her why we sifted the flour.

It took my three weeks before I would eat baked goods again (she made molasses cookies, my favorite). Thank goodness that at at that time I didn’t yet know grains were the main ingredient in breakfast cereals (and massive amounts of sugar, these were the sixties).

Clearly, resorting to fire was the lesser of two weevils.

you actually did it :facehoof:

You are a terrible influence. :trollestia:

10189302 Aditionally, the seventh game is titled BIOHAZARD: resident evil in Japan.

I especially like how the English version highlights the VI and the upright of the L for RESIDENT EVIL to demarcate this as the VIIth title, whereas the Japanese version highlights the first and second 'strokes' of the Z in BIOHAZARD to make a 7.

Now you've got me picturing Rarity in a proper S.T.A.R.S. uniform and equipped with a Spike-themed flamethrower.

:moustache: instead of bleach you could of used pasta sauce
:rainbowhuh: red or white?
:trollestia: Suddenly I feel like some ziti

"I will, for the sake of safety," the designer reasonably added, "require a few minutes to locate and evacuate Opal. However, any possessions which the swarm has reached can be reasonably sacrificed. In the event of total infestation, it should take no more than three seasons to fully reconstruct my life, and I would hope that until then, somepony among you -- not you, Rainbow -- would be willing to offer up their couch --"

Death cloud ?

On second thought, you can keep the salt.

And now I need to check my stockpile of Pasta. But dsmn Estee, great story once again!

oh, that made me think of a scene in The Martian (the novel) where someone made a bomb out of Sugar and Pure Oxygen.

Comment posted by River Babble deleted Apr 19th, 2020

Hey, in a large number of countries, bugs are considered a valid source of daily protein! :D We’re just unknowingly acclimating to the rest of world society!


I'm starting to feel like everyone missed the Crackfic tag on the way in.

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